Good Tunes

Any minute now my ship is coming in.
I keep checking the horizon
and I'll stand on the bow and feel the waves come crashing
come crashing down, down, down on me.

And you say "be still my love,
open up your heart
let that light shine in."
Don't you understand
I already have a plan--
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

I woke today -- suddenly nothing happened.
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon.
And down this beaten path, up this cobbled lane,
walking in my old footsteps
once again.

And you say "just be here now,
forget about the past
your mask is wearing thin."
Let me throw one more dice,
I know that I can win.
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

Any minute now my ship is coming in.
I'll keep checking the horizon.
And I'll check my machine,
There's sure to be that call.
It's going to happen soon, soon, oh so very soon,
it's just that times are lean.

And you say "be still my love,
open up your heart
let that light shine in."
Don't you understand? Oh I already have a plan --
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

On a clear day I can see, see for a long way.
On a clear day I can see...

~Colin Hay

Help!

Get me out of here! I've been in the office for about 30 minutes. Half of that time has been spent listening to my co-worker tell me really corny jokes that he's reading off of his email. Our desks face each other, so there's no escape. My only out is to put on my headphones and pretend like I am editing some audio cuts. Here's a sampling of the jokes I've heard this morning:

"A male antenna and a female antenna met and got married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was great."

"A dyslexic man walked into a bra."

"An invisible man and an invisible woman had kids. They weren't much to look at."

I will spare you the rest. Just another Monday in the glamorous life of a local celebrity...

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Sadie* doesn't grow hair under her arms!"
*Name changed to protect the innocent

"Don said 'manhood package' at Men's Life. He meant to say 'manhood plan.'"

"Do your roses smell like curry?"

What I actually said: "I'll take the new guys in my group."
What they thought I said: "I'll take the nude guys in my group."

"I got a fortune cookie. I think the fortune is for you. It says 'if you've got it, flaunt it.'"

"With the Blue class coming in, we have fresh meat."

"That's the closest they come to screwing on the Christian channel."

Squishyness!

Yesterday afternoon our office receptionist called my desk. She said "Girl! Sharon and Jennifer and I need you to come down to the desk and pick up a package right away!" So I headed down to the reception area. While walking down there, I was wondering what the package was. Sometimes local PR companies will send us press releases and promotional packages. Often, those packages include food. So I figured the ladies wanted me to come down and open my package because it had food in it and they wanted to eat some.

I arrived at the desk and all three of them were excitedly hovering around the kind of box that I never expected to see. It was a long florist's box. They all wanted to know who was sending me flowers. I was as excited and bewildered as they were! I opened the box to find one and a half dozen long-stem roses! By this time, I was giddy! I opened the card to find a thank-you note for cooking dinner and "for being such an incredible friend." I was speechless. I couldn't stop smiling all afternoon.

While driving to the office this morning, I started smiling just thinking about my roses and the sweet guy that sent them to me. Oh, and just to clarify -- the roses were ordered before the guy read my blog entry about dinner and video games. So they weren't even apology roses! They were just pure, sweet, thoughtfulness! Big, BIG smiles. :}

O MY!

Apparently it doesn't take much to excite me. I have been accused of having orgasms over the red cups at Starbucks.* I know there are those who really enjoy their Starbucks "experience." Dovie and her Chantico and Todd and his indulgent hot chocolate come to mind. For the record, Starbucks isn't really an orgasmic experience for me. I'm no Meg Ryan.

By now, several of my readers are uncomfortable. Beth is probably freaking out. It's okay everyone. Just because we're Christian singles doesn't mean we can't use the "O" word sometimes. I know. I'm committing Baptist blasphemy. Give me a break people. I just wrote the word on my blog, it's not like I actually had one.

That just crossed the line, didn't it?

Yep. I officially pole-vaulted right over the line. But you know what? You liked it. That's why you, my friend, are a faithful QQ reader. I've got you pegged. Play out the line, dangle the bait, wait until you take a nibble, toy with the line a bit and then next thing you know...WHAM! You're hooked! Which is why you'll tune in tomorrow just to see what I'll say next...

*Read Shanna's blog for context

Deja vu all over again

I cooked dinner for my boyz last night. Remember this entry? Um, yeah. I was cooking the meal and stepped into the living room to ask a question. That's when I realized the guys were playing video games. Halo 2, to be exact. It reminded me of a quote from a book: "If you boys would grow up, you might be having sex by now instead of playing Super Mario XXXIV."

I asked them if they were intentionally trying to give me blog matieral. One guy responded that it was the least they could do in return for me cooking dinner for them. Nice.

Now, to be perfectly fair, there isn't a whole lot of room in the kitchen and there's not a whole lot they could do to help out. So it's not that I think playing video games while I'm cooking is rude. It's just that, by the time the meal was ready, I felt like I was calling the kids to come in for dinner.

Must-See Movie

I was flipping channels over the weekend and came across one of my favorite movies: Sergeant York. If you haven't seen this movie, do yourself a favor and rent it. Gary Cooper won his first academy award for his role as Sergeant York. The movie is based on the true story of Alvin C. York.

York was a poor farmer in the Appalachian Mountains of Tennessee. He was a rabble-rouser, known for drinking, gambling, cussing and fighting. His best friend died in a bar fight, which eventually led to York's conversion to Christianity.

A few years later, he was called up to serve in World War I. York struggled with the concept of war and killing. He believed the Bible commanded "Thou shalt not kill." But he also believed he should obey the laws of his country and do his duty. He spent two days and a night out on a mountain, praying about what to do. His diary records that God spoke to him on the mountain and told him to go and serve and promised him that he would come back safely.

York was shipped off to France. He was an excellent sharpshooter (having honed his skills in turkey shoots back home). He and his detachment were traveling through the Argonne Forest, when they came under attack. Three of his superiors were killed along with most of his detachment. He assumed command of the seven surviving men. He was under heavy fire from a German machine gun nest, when he single-handedly killed nearly 30 enemies and took over the nest, forcing 132 Germans to surrender to him and his seven soldiers.

He was awarded the French Croix de Guerre and the Legion of Honor, along with the Congressional Medal of Honor. He was a poor, simple man. A devout Christian, he carried his New Testament to the battlefield and read it through five times while at war saying it was "my rock to cling to."

He was hailed as the greatest hero of WWI.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

Friend: "You should come out of your shell."
Me: "I don't have a shell."
Another friend: "You're like a naked turtle."

"That's what you get for eating chicken fat off of someone else's plate."

"Shelley 'Seclusion' Gibbs has left the building."

On the perils of playing co-ed flag football: "Oops! Sorry, I meant to grab your...flag."

What I actually said: "Have a cookie. It will make you feel better."
What he thought I said: "Have a quickie. It will make you feel better."

"I feel like there should be a disclaimer: Actual discipleship results may vary."

"Frontal hugs are bad because our parts might touch."

Randomosity*

I didn't blog on Tuesday because it was Election Day. I left work at 1:30am. I was covering an election "party" for District 22. It was dismal.

Today, I treated myself to Chick-Fil-A. I ordered an eight-pack of nuggets. I drove away and looked in my bag. They gave me a 12-pack. Score!

My IM buddy, Steven, told me his goal is to make it onto the Friday Funnies every week. Tomorrow will be his first time on there. This should be fun because it means he'll be trying to make me laugh all the time.

My roommate, Dinah, sold me out. I'm bitter.

If HD radio makes an FM signal sound like CD quality, does it make an AM signal sound like FM quality?

I have a dilemma. I have a Thanksgiving party and a wedding on the same night. Do I pick one? Or do I try to make both? What to do, what to do.

Between last night and this morning, I received nine emails from Troy. I think that might be a record.

I still haven't seen my first red cup of the season. Although it doesn't feel much like the "season" anyway. A third of the way through November and it's actually hot outside! Sigh.

I want a new bedspread. Maybe this one.

I also want a KitchenAid mixer. They are stinkin' expensive.

I'm ready to start my Christmas shopping. Problem is, I don't know what I'm getting for anyone.

Last night I had a rare opportunity to watch TV. I was torn between Dr. 90210 and the Food Network. I don't recommend flipping back and forth between the two.

*Dear Reader, you have just been subjected to the kind of random thoughts that flit through my brain on any given day.

Going to the Chapel...

I know. It's only been a couple of weeks since "the date." And here I am, practically engaged. Not to the man who took me on "the date." Sorry Justin!

Last weekend I went to the annual Hoe Down. Much fun was had by all. While there, I ran into Preston. Preston is one of those guys that I only see from time to time, but when we do see each other we really enjoy catching up. So Preston sees me and a big grin spreads over his face. We chat for a few minutes, then he asks me where I'm sitting for dinner. I tell him he should select a table for us to share. About midway through our meal, Preston informs me that he recently found my blog. He loves it. Finds it addicting. And, through reading my blog, he discovered that I work for his favorite radio network. He told me that when he found out where I work and what I do, he wanted to propose to me on the spot. I told him I would gladly accept.

Stay tuned for further updates...

Preventing the Common Cold

A certain drug-dealer friend informed me of a new study that should benefit everyone. The study looked into the best way to prevent the common cold. A lot of people take zinc, but zinc can lead to permanent loss of smell.

So researchers found the best method of cold prevention is making out for 30 minutes, three times a week. Strengthens your immune system. Ahem.

My drug-dealer friend informed me that if any girl had a prescription for this new preventive measure, he would be duty-bound to fill the prescription.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Darrick, stop making Laurie naked!"

Pastor Gregg in sermon: "My desire is..."
Guy sitting next to me in church: "to be a player."

"I'm going to get lip for that decision...and not the good kind of lip."

"What we need is Director and Women's Coordinator Emeritus."

Overheard in men's restroom: "Let's quiet down and let these guys concentrate on their bowel movements."

The Secret

For those of you who still care, I can now reveal the secret. Two months ago I blogged that I had a secret that only two other people knew about. I told you that secret could be revealed after October 31st. I also told you this secret was nothing ground-breaking. It wasn't about a relationship, nuptials, pending births or anything else remotely thrilling. It was just a secret. So here's what happened.

One day late in August, I received an email from Todd Richards. The email instructed me to scroll down to the bottom and read the conversation that was pasted in. The conversation was between Todd and Justin Fountain. The two men were debating who had more nicknames. Justin threw down the gauntlet and challenged Todd to a nickname duel. The only problem was the men needed an objective outside observer to judge the contest. This, Todd told me, is where I came in. Would I be the judge of the Infamous Nickname Challenge? Pretty please with a cherry on top? I, of course, was honored by the request and readily acquiesced. I was also slightly shocked that I was considered an "objective" judge, but I kept that thought to myself.

So the contest began. I drafted several rules for the contestants. Negotiations over the rules took about a day. Finally, all parties were in agreement and the INC began on the first day of September in the Year of our Lord two thousand and six. The rules stated that each contestant must be referred to by any given nickname twice before it could be submitted. Furthermore, the nickname had to be used by at least two different people in reference to the contestant. The contestants were prohibited from giving themselves new nicknames, although once a nickname had been used they could repeat it in front of others in an attempt to help it catch on. The contestants were also prohibited from telling any one about the INC. This was a top secret contest. The deadline for nickname submissions was the thirty-first of October in the Year of our Lord two thousand and six.

Over the past two months, both men did their best to promote the use of nicknames. Every once in a while, I would receive an email or text message alerting me to a new qualifying nickname. It was my job to judge the validity of each entry and keep the tally. The race was neck and neck. The first entry came from Todd. He was called "T-Bone." The next was from Justin. He had two: "New York Justin" and "My Favorite." Then another from Todd, "Hot Toddy." Then Justin pulled ahead again with "Violent J."

Yesterday, I did a final check on the numbers and found the standings were as follows:

Todd: T-Bone, Hot Toddy, Toddatello, T-Rich

Justin: New York Justin, My Favorite, Violent J, Cocky Justin, J-flow

Justin's final submission broke the tie and he was declared winner of the Infamous Nickname Challenge! Todd was a gracious loser, stating Justin deserved to win with a nickname like J-flow as his final entry. It is assumed Justin was a gracious winner as well...

And as a postscript, Todd said he had one more nickname he would have liked to submit, but it came a day late and was only used by one person. Don Munton referred to him as "T-Baby."

Not Again!

I almost cried in front of a boy again tonight. Different boy. Rough week.

Summit Mole?

I just read a book called what a girl wants. If you know me at all, you know I am not the chick-lit/chick-flick kind of girl. I would much rather watch a marathon viewing of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy than be subjected to Sweet Home Alabama. So it was after much persuasion by numerous girlfriends that I reluctantly picked up a copy of what a girl wants (the title is not capitalized, so stop freaking out). I have a confession to make. I liked it.

Here's the premise: single, 31-year-old, average Christian girl ruminates on the oddities of her church singles group and the drama of being single and wanting to be married.

I think the author must have spent several months undercover in Summit before she wrote the book. I call it uncanny. Let me give you a few examples.

On finding dates at work:
"At work, engineers are on a different plane. They're not thinking about dates or women, they are thinking about an integrated circuit they must procure, and since they can only open one mental compartment at a time, my chance of getting a boyfriend at work is about as slim as Ally McBeal's neck."

On singles' friendships:
"He calls me when he gets dumped. I call him when no one calls me. We've been friends for years. And friends is all we'll ever be."

On other Christian girls:
"How do you tell someone who speaks flirtation as such a natural form of communication that it's playing with fire? She has no idea the authority she holds in her tiny swaying hips."

"I just love standing next to her size-two figure while we sing so I can look like the great opera diva next to her."

On Christian guys:
"I can picture him pulling my hair before I can picture him kissing me."

"When I was in eighth grade and boys discussed video games, I understood. Now that I'm thirty-one I think to myself, If you boys would grow up, you might be having sex by now instead of playing Super Mario XXXIV. But as an aging virgin, who am I to judge?"

"The Bible outright tells men that beauty is fleeting, yet they seem to chase after it like a leaf in a rogue wind, stumbling and grasping, while another more intricate and colorful leaf dangles on the tree."

Did I write this book in my sleep? My main problem with the book (and all of the chick-lit/flick variety) is the neat, tidy, lovestory ending. Real life doesn't always work that way. But I guess a girl can hope to get what a girl wants.

Disaster Averted

I almost cried in front of a boy tonight. It was close.

W

Hung out with the Prez yesterday. We're tight like that. He was in town to stump for a congressional candidate. He walked in with his collar unbuttoned and his sleeves rolled up. Looked very Texas-casual. He knows his people. They ate it up. His personality comes through so well in person. No matter your political stance, he's a likeable fella. It's difficult to capture his wry humor and sly style in the media. You can't help but smile at him when he looks at you or makes a wisecrack.
I was covering this rally he was speaking at. The room was filled with hundreds upon hundreds of PLMs. It was scary. It was so very white bread, perfect smile, middle class. White. Whiter than white. There may have been a total of five African-Americans in the room. One of them was a guest speaker...can we say "token"? I saw one person of Hispanic descent. A handful of people from South Asia. And lots and lots of white people. White people wearing polos and dockers. White people wearing twin sets and pearls. I felt as though I was staring my future in the face. So that's what I'll look like when I'm 40.

Sigh.

Blog Anonymity

I am accused of allowing too much mystery on my blog. I am told I need to throw more people under the bus. People want to know who "the date" is. People want to know who the comments are from on the Friday Funnies. I bow to the whims of my adoring public. I will include more attribution. Fear not! Things that are said in private conversation will not be attributed. But things said in public are fair game. This is your warning.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"The first time we met was at a bar. The second time we met we slept together."

"The whole baby-making concept freaks me out."
Note: the person who made this statement actually meant baby-having, not baby-making.

Overheard: "The problem is she contaminates every pair of panties she owns."

"We require the most beautiful cheerleading squad, which you shall lead in glorious chants of our god-like physiques."

Overheard: "That's because all you're thinking about is sex."

"We need something bigger to mix all the margaritas."

Me: "I bought a new dress for our date."
My Date: "Me too."

"The gamma female spies her prey. As she slowly slips down the cliff, she makes sure not to startle the object she seeks...the easily frightened male of her species. Keeping her eye on him at all times, she slowly, ever so gently approaches...in the blink of an eye, she pounces. The male is startled and bolts over to the alpha female group where he is greeted by the shallow gene pool females he delights himself in so often, leaving the gamma female to lick her wounds and return to her den. Her empty, cold lonely den."

The Date

I know all of you have been waiting to find out how "the date" went. I didn't want to blog about it yesterday. It was all too fresh and new. Now that I've had time to process it, I am ready to fill you in. The following is a rundown of Tuesday.

4:00: Leave the office early to go home and get ready.

4:30: Stop at the drugstore to buy shaving cream. Must make sure legs are extra smooth.

5:00: Jeanine comes over so we can get ready together (she has a "date" too).

5:30: Final touches on hair. Quick coat of polish on toes.

5:45: Finish the make-up, with careful attention to mascara. Two coats.

5:50: Put on new dress, strappy black heels and fabulous earrings. Decide against the necklace.

5:55: Grab evening bag. Spritz on perfume. Blot lipstick. Final check in the mirror.

6:00: Doorbell rings. Our dates are here! Open the door. They look so cute and ever so slightly uncomfortable.

6:05: Jeanine and I are ready to leave.

6:10: My date is worried because traffic is bad. Jeanine's date is optimistic, but not the one driving.

6:15: My date is more worried and begins discussing alternative routes and travel times.

6:20: My phone rings. It is Shanna. No, it is not Shanna. It is one of her students, trying to convince me he is Shanna's new boyfriend.

6:25: Still on the phone with Shanna's "new boyfriend" who is trying to convince me to meet him at Starbucks. My date gets slightly jealous. Get off the phone with under-age boy who wants to meet me at Starbucks.

6:30: Arrive downtown and walk to restaurant.

6:35: Decide the wait at restaurant is too long. Walk to another (very nice!) restaurant just around the corner.

6:40-7:35: Enjoy lovely dinner and excellent conversation. Walk to theatre.

7:40-10:30: Watch show. Whisper jokes and comments to my date. My date whispers back. Date suggests we sneak into the box seats during intermission. Date doesn't specify what he wants to do when we get there, so I decide it's better to stay where we are.

10:35: Walk back to car. Someone suggests parking garages are a good place for...well..."parking." No "parking" actually takes place.

11:00: Arrive home. Thank my date for a lovely evening.

11:05: Walk inside and find two cockroaches.

11:10: Text my date, in hopes that he will propose marriage and get me out of this hellhole.

11:25: Date texts back. No marriage proposal.

11:35: Get ready for bed (after Jeanine vanquishes cockroaches). Consider what the best colors for bridesmaids dresses would be. Wonder what my date would think of black with pale pink sashes...

Forget Something?

This is what greeted me when I got on the elevator at the office today. A broom. Clearly, there are only two possible explanations for this: someone was sweeping the carpeted elevator and was raptured up, leaving only the broom behind OR the Wicked Witch of the West was in the studios to do an interview and accidentally left her broom on the elevator.

Bits and Pieces

I changed my profile picture. A big thanks to the people who let me know they think it's a good picture. I like Beth's assessment of what it says about me. Funny, smart and gorgeous. Go with that. If you don't agree, feel free to keep it to yourself.

Girls, I will not be telling the secret object of my affection that I like him. I'm with Dovie on the whole concept of staying single rather than trying the "Ruth approach." Besides, I know I won't end up with this person, so there's no point in telling him anyway. (Dennis, this other man in no way jeopardizes our relationship.) (Kirk, ditto.)

Today I interviewed a total wacko. My job is so weird sometimes. One day I am covering the sentencing for one of the biggest corporate fraud cases of the century, and the next day I am talking to a man who thinks that he died, came back to life and is now a psychic. Did you know that God is simply all perceptions perceived? That's right. This man has God all figured out. God is the embodiment of every thought you could ever have. Presumably God only embodies the good thoughts and not the bad ones.

My date is tonight! I bought a new dress (more on that in the Friday Funnies). It amuses me how seriously people are taking this. I would just like to state here that if I actually had a "real" date, I would not be blogging about it. There are some things that don't belong in the public domain.

Speaking of things that don't belong in the public domain: Sarah, I simply don't think I can bring myself to blog about the unnamed TMI topic. It would make for a great blog topic...but I must take pity on my QQ readers and leave some things unsaid.

Finally, a moment of silence for Troy's blog. (Pause.)
It has been exactly two months since we have been blessed by an entry from The Troy. I still check The Silly Rotor every day, just in case...and every day it makes me sad.

R.I.P., T.S.R. You'll always be in our hearts. We love you.

Sunday Song (Belated)

Please don't do what I say,
cause if you don't love me,
it's worthless anyway.
Please don't trouble yourself,
you'll only go away in the end.

Please don't follow all my commands
cause what's the point in that.
I keep hoping that all of your plans
will fall through the roof.

Like two ships passing in the night, we're gone.
Only the moon and the stars in the sky
did know to cry for me as I sailed on.

Please don't trouble yourself.
I only want your love,
you keep giving me your help.
Please stop playing along.
You know you're wasting your energy
and you're breaking my heart.

Oh I can just see it now-
you're recklessly in love,
your heart's boiling over.
I can just see it now-
you're coming around.

~Landon Pigg

Bummer

Have you ever liked someone, while knowing that you will never end up with that person?
I am so there.

Courtroom Blogging

I'm blogging from the overflow room in the federal courthouse. We're waiting for the sentencing hearing for Enron CEO Jeff Skilling to begin. This is one of those days that, as a reporter, I hate and love at the same time. The first part of the day is "hurry up and wait." Here is what I have done so far:
-Rush to the courthouse. -Check in with the marshalls and turn over all recording equipment. -Set up computer in the overflow room. -Read up on background for the story. -Wait for a long time. -Keep waiting. Hearing starts at 1pm...no telling when it will wrap up, probably around 3pm. So lots of waiting.
Here is what my afternoon will probably look like:
As soon as the sentence is handed down: pack up computer and rush downstairs. -Retrieve recording equipment from marshalls. -Run outside and set up recording equipment. -Wait for Skilling and attorneys to come down and make a statement. -While listening to Skilling's statement, realize that prosecuting attorneys are sneaking out the other door and are getting away. -Grab recorder off mike stand and rush after them. Tackle one to the ground and force her to give me a comment. -Triumphantly head back to the mike stand just in time to hear Skilling say "no more questions." -Frantically write a report to go on air. -Call in live report and stumble over several words. -Drive back to the station and do phone interviews with "experts." -Write new version of report for the morning news. -Go home and go to bed.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"If you could talk about floating grass, he would be much more interested in listening to you."

"I think I'll go to Hooters for dinner...to witness to the lost."

"I wish you could do Night Radio and be 'Laurie Fever.'"

"Do you need to go to counseling to work through your blame issues?"

Me to Guy: "Don't forget you have a hotpad in your pants."
Guy to me: "Thanks. I know it's there."

"I don't know which is worse - standing next to Mr. Pipe Smoker or next to Mr. Body Odor. The worst is standing next to both of them. I don't ever want to do that again."

Hi. Me again.

Just when I think I have nothing left to say...a random bunch of bloggable items comes to mind.

Last week I saw a woman jogging in the park...wearing a bikini.

I was amused by the following phone conversation with a guy.
Me: Hey, what's going on?
Guy: I'm holding a small, flowered bag. Inside the bag is pain reliever, a hairbrush and something called "Burt's Bees."
Me: That's mine.
Guy: I thought so. I already checked with my roommate and he said it wasn't his.

I just had a serious conversation with one of our classical music announcers about the musical and production merits of JT's FutureSex/LoveSounds album.

We have a new intern in the newsroom. He's 17 and absolutely adorable. He walked up to my desk yesterday, slid a piece of paper toward me and said in a near-whisper "I just finished my first story. How should I end it?" My immediate thought was "if you just finished your story shouldn't it already have an ending?" I didn't say that out loud.

A friend of mine is trying to decide what to wear to her high school reunion. The invitation says dressy casual. Isn't that an oxymoron? Seriously, what exactly is dressy casual?

There are only five days left until my date!

I'm so ashamed

I've missed not one, but TWO days of blogging this week. I'm sorry.

On Monday, the flooding situation made work a bit crazy. Yesterday, I was sent to cover breaking news on the bomb threat against Reliant Stadium. There was simply no time to blog at work (shocking). My internet is down at home, so no blogging happened there either.

To compound the problem, I don't really have anything interesting to blog about today. So you get this lame excuse blog. Yay for you.

And, unless things take a sharp turnaround, I have hardly anything for the Friday Funnies tomorrow. It's looking dismal.

There is a topic I want to blog about. But I don't think I have the guts to do it as it falls squarely into the "TMI" category.

Oh! Random email press release just came through. They used the slang term "fabu" as though that's really cool. Don't they know that's so '90s?

More thoughts coming to me...was out on the job today and introduced myself to someone. When I told him my name his eyes got huge and he raised his hands in front of his mouth, let out an excited sigh and exclaimed "Oh my gosh! I'm meeting LAURIE JOHNSON!" then he sort of fluttered his hands and got all tongue-tied. I shook his hand and asked his name and he couldn't answer...he literally forgot his own name for a moment! He told me he's a huge fan of mine. When I left, his final words to me were "I can't believe I met Laurie Johnson today."
Ahhh...the life of a celebrity.

(It still makes me laugh every time I run spellcheck and the site wants to change "blogging" to "flogging." The irony.)

Taste Sensation

Today I went a little crazy and purchased a Diet Pepsi Jazz Black Cherry French Vanilla. I bought it because there were so many adjectives in the title. And so many flavors. I think the Diet Pepsi Jazz Black Cherry French Vanilla is trying to be all things to all people.
It was two things to me: nas-ty.
It tasted a little bit like bubble gum mixed with cough syrup, with a lingering aftertaste of yeck. That was after the first sip. I took another swig just to confirm my findings. Still yeck. This is the point where I caution all of you not to try it. Which, of course, means most of you will buy one the next time you're at a convenience store because you want to taste the yeck for yourself.

Oh, and just because this is my blog and I can do pretty much whatever I want on it...I am providing you all with a list of links that you simply must check out. Enjoy.

Disapproving Rabbits (They're rabbits. And they disapprove.)

Ken Jennings' Blog (He's hilarious!)

Marmaduke Explained (Warning: sometimes contains offensive language.)

The Sacred Sandwich (Look for "Your Best Teeth Now.")

Sunday Song

Baby, see how I've been living-
velvet curtains on the windows too
keep the bright and unforgiving
light from shining through.
Baby, I remember all the things we did
when we slept together in the blue behind your eyelids.
Baby, sweet baby

Chased your scent through the gloom
until I found these purple flowers.
I was spent. I was soon
smelling you for hours.
Lavendar, lotus blossoms too,
water the dirt -- flowers last for you.
Baby, sweet baby

Tangerines and persimmons and sugar cane,
grapes and honeydew melons, enough fit for a queen.
Lemon trees don't make a sound
til the branches bend and fruit falls to the ground.
Baby, sweet baby

Come to my world and witness
the way things have changed.
'Cause I finally did it, Baby,
I got out of La Grange.
Got in my Mercury and drove out west,
pedal to the metal and my luck to the test.
Baby, sweet baby

I've been trying to enjoy all the fruits of my labor.
I've been crying for you, boy, but truth is my savior
Baby, sweet baby if it's all the same,
take the glory any day over the fame
Baby, sweet baby

~Lucinda Williams

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"We should develop a new women's perfume and call it SaltLick!"

"I am the litmus test for grace."

"Laurie, could you ice down my biceps? Because I think they're swollen."

On the subject of Laverne and Shirley:
Me: "It's not like I greet them in the morning."
Guy Friend: "If they were mine, I would greet them every day."

On the subject of crossing the line vs. dancing close to the line:
"If you're only dancing, then you're dancing in the middle of a Southern Baptist Convention Elders' meeting."

"Please let me know when the alpha version of SaltLick is ready for testing."

How the Bible addresses the dangers of internet dating:
"Though I have much to write to you, I would rather not use keyboard and monitor. Instead I hope to come to you and talk face to face, so that our joy may be complete." 2 John 12 (New Living Paradigm Translation)

I have a date!

A guy called me yesterday. He told me he had tickets to see West Side Story and he was wondering if I wanted to go. Yesssss! I did think it was odd that he told me he wasn't going to kiss me afterward. But, whatever. I also thought it was strange that he stressed the fact that other people would be going with us. It's almost like he's trying to tell me it's not a date. Hmmm. But he specifically told me I could call it a date, if I wanted to. It was also a little weird that this guy knows I have already told him that we wouldn't make a good couple. Seems like he wouldn't ask me out after we've already had that conversation. But clearly he asked and I said yes...woman's prerogative and all.

Okay, so maybe it's not a date. Maybe it's one friend calling up another friend to invite that person to go see a show together. Throw me a bone, people. A girl can dream.

Bath Time

I recently learned about the vast differences between how men and women view bathing. I'm not talking about getting clean, I'm talking about taking a bath. Here's what I learned:

Women and bathing~
When a woman takes a bath, it is a relaxing experience. Certain preparations must take place before stepping into the tub. First, you pour a glass of wine (some of you may skip this step). Next, you run the hot water. My own preference is to make the water as hot as I can stand it. This is relaxing to the body and helps keep the water warm throughout the duration of the bath. While the water is running, some sort of scented bath salts, bubble bath or other additive should be poured into the tub. If you have long hair, now is the time to pin it up. Light a few candles and place them around the tub/bathroom. Grab a rolled up towel or air pillow, along with a novel or magazine. Step into the tub, adjust the pillow, lay back and breathe a deep sigh of relaxation. Commence sipping, reading, breathing in the scented steam and generally luxuriating in the silky water. Try not to doze off. Repeat next week.

Men and bathing~
Men don't take baths. There's a reason for this. Here's what happens when a man takes a bath. First, draw a tubful of hot water. Make it really hot. Get in the tub. Sit there for a while. Don't bring a book with you because it will get wet. Start sweating in the hot water. Get out of the tub and turn down the thermostat. Get back in the tub. Sit there some more. Realize you are hungry. Get out of the tub, go to the kitchen and grab some crackers and cheese. Get back in the tub while munching your snack. Realize there are now cracker crumbs floating in your bathwater. Sit there a little longer. Realize you are thirsty from all the crackers and cheese. Continue to sit in what appears to be your own filth until you can't take it anymore. Get out of the tub feeling dirty, sweaty, thirsty and disgusted. Swear never to take another bath.

Making Music

I am so excited to have Guest Music Critic Eye Doctor Justin sharing his review with us today. Hopefully this will become a semi-regular feature on the QQ. Enjoy!

Album of Note: Turn Around by Jonny Lang

Every once in awhile there is an album that comes along that impacts me on so much more than simply a musical level. For me, Turn Around is that album.

Jonny Lang (yes, that's right... there isn't any "h") has been making music for almost ten years now. What makes that so amazing is that he is my age... 25. When I was a freshman in high school Jonny released his first album, Lie to Me, and in the 10 years since then he has meticulously developed himself into a brilliant blues guitarist/singer/songwriter. In all honesty, Jonny Lang is the blues artist that I have been looking for. Many of his fellow singer/songwriters ( i.e. Mard Broussard) would do well to pay close attention to the way that Jonny goes about his art.

The first album of his that I was exposed to was Long Time Coming, but he was not truly on my radar screen until last week when I downloaded his new album Turn Around. On the surface, this album is a cool fusion of blues and gospel, but then I read this interview, and Turn Around completely came alive.

Amazing. Turn Around is Jonny Lang living out the reality of his life while producing the best blues album out right now. If you do nothing else, do yourself a favor and download "Only a Man", but the whole album is well worth your $9.99.

An Affair to Remember

I've been trying not to make a big deal out of this. My internet love affair with Dennis has been spiraling downward. At first, the relationship seemed to be really great. We even had our own music montage! But as the days went by he grew more and more distant. I tried not to let it bother me. I kept reading his blog. I even commented a few times. I didn't tell anyone that things weren't going so well. I thought maybe the problem was with me. But then the argument began. It's funny how couples will fight over the smallest things. It actually took a mediator to resolve the dispute between us. I wanted to share all of this with my faithful QQ readers because I have good news: Dennis and I are fully reconciled. I told him how I felt he had created distance between us. He quickly responded by commenting twice on my blog! He also added me to his blog-roll. The least I can do is reciprocate.

Relationships can be hard.

Sunday Song

I woke up
and wished that I was dead
with an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed.
I thought of you
and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on.

And everything
that I said I'd do,
like make the world brand-new
and take the time for you,
I just got lost
and slept right through the dawn
and the world spins madly on.

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my windowsill
the whole world is moving but I'm standing still

I woke up
and wished that I was dead
with an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed.
The night is here
the day is gone
and the world spins madly on.

I thought of you
and where you'd gone
and the world spins madly on.

~The Weepies

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Scream and say you saw a roach. Maybe we'll get a free meal out of it."

"And behold, she spake unto him and said, 'alas.'"

"I could carry you across the threshold, but the construction crew might get the wrong idea."

"All these baseball players on steroids...instead of using cups, now they're using thimbles."

"Todd, you don't want a shag?"

"God's sovereignty is like a string around your neck."

"I'm like a muslim terrorist."

Dichotomy

I post something intended to be funny and silly and I get 17 comments. Most of them being reactionary or angry. I post something sweet and heart-felt and I get three comments (thank you, Commenters!). So clearly I need to stick to the outrageous, over-the-top, controversial topics. That way I'll get more comments. The more comments I have on my blog, the more important I feel. So now I have to come up with a list of vitriolic topics to blog about that will generate hundreds of comments and maybe get me listed on Blogger's "Blogs of Note."

(Some of you may not know the definitions for dichotomy and vitriolic. I don't care.)

(Okay, really I do care. But I am trying to be vitriolic. I realize you don't know what that means. The important thing to remember is vitriol does not come naturally to me. I'm really having to work at it.)

(Okay, fine. It means acidic or caustic. And dichotomy means a division, usually between contradictory groups. Are you happy now? I didn't think so.)

Why best friends are...well...the best

Best friends are the best because...

1. They stand up for you.
2. They defend you against attack.
3. They don't mind when you make fun of them.
4. You don't mind when they make fun of you.
5. They make you feel safe.
6. They know what you mean to say, even when you don't say it.
7. They push you to grow in your faith.
8. They overlook your faults, but they don't let you get away with anything.
9. They know all your inside jokes.
10. They are trustworthy.
11. They tease you and you like it.
12. They encourage you and you appreciate it.
13. They keep no record of wrongs.
14. They charge you for text messages but fix everything in your house for free.
15. They are Christ to you.

Let's Give 'Em Somethin' to Blog About

I fear the Summit Blog is dying. In a recent scientific survey conducted by me, I found that only 54 percent of the blogs listed in my "Friends" section were updated within the last month. Out of 44 blogs, three are dead links. Three other blogs have not been updated since May. One of the blogs has a grand total of two entries, the last one being in August. Even the most dependable bloggers would appear to be entering the death throes.

Perhaps it is time for an intervention. Maybe all of these bloggers simply need something to blog about. In an effort to help revive the blog community and do my part to promote Summit blogging, I submit the following topics for use by anyone undergoing blog-block.

• Summit Men: Why they don't date
• Summit Women: Why they always say "no"
• Nehemiah as the next hot baby name
• Destination Weddings: Colosse or College Station?
• Rescuing a girl from a River or a Well
• Beth Moore: Doctrine Diva
• A scriptural dissertation proving that single men and women should never pray together
• A vote for a Democrat = A vote for Hell
• T-Holla: The Real Slim Shady
• Flirting: God-style
• Why Blogger's spellcheck doesn't know how to spell "blog"

For everything else there's...

Bongo Boy had friends over last night. They sat outside on the steps partying for a while. One "friend" spent the night. Don't ask me how I know this...
I walked out the front door this morning and saw the friend's car parked across the street. Wow.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I'm not speaking to you today because I'm not on the Friday Funnies."

"Smells like ambush."

"Justin Isaac Fountain isn't a good assassin name."
"But Jiffy is!"

"Do you smell something stinky? Because I think you might be spoiled."

"I don't know if that's funny enough for the Friday Funnies. I've had two glasses of wine...I'm not a good judge."

Some things money can't buy...

Detergent: $2.49

Razor and shaving cream: $1.96

The feeling of soft, clean sheets on just-shaved legs: Priceless

Mixed Emotions

Every week the mayor's information officers send out his public schedule to the media. This week we were excited because he will be attending an event at our station. Check out the media notification:

6:30 p.m. ~ Mayor White will attend the KUFH high-definition station "switch flipping" ceremony. Location: Melcher Center for Public Broadcasting, University of Houston.

That's great and all...except those aren't our call letters.

True Love & True Pain

You know you love someone when you agree to meet them for breakfast at 6:30am simply because they tell you "it will be fun."

You know you should exercise more when you go running on Monday and your body screams expletives at you on Tuesday.

I'm goin' out to eat worms

That's right. Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me.

For the first time since I can remember, my Evite inbox is empty.

Population of the World

Nominal Christians: 1.2 billion
Muslims: 1.2 billion
Secular Religions: 938 million
Hindus: 820 Million
Active Christians: 680 million
Buddhists: 400 million
Chinese Folk Religions: 383 million
Tribal Religions: 176 million
Other: 95 million

Out of all those groups, an estimated 2 billion people are completely unreached with the gospel of Christ. One of these unreached groups is the Baluch. The Baluch people are Sunni Muslims who live in regions dominated by Shiite Muslims. There are 4.5 million Baluch living primarily in Pakistan and some scattered in Iran, Turkmenistan, the Gulf States and Sweden. There are only ten known Baluch Christians in the world.

Do I know you?

Last Friday I experienced a career first. I was out on an assignment at a press conference. I was innocently minding my own business, when a TV camerman standing behind me gave me a love pat on my rear! I whirled around to look at him and he gave me a sly smile and commented about the event. I was so flabbergasted, I didn't even know how to react. One of my guy friends told me I should have asked for his number. Riiiight.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I can't pimp out Jonathan."

"Hey, you two over there in the love bubble..."
loooong pause before the love bubble responds
"Huh? What?"

"Shanna, how do you feel about all these teachers getting their groove on with young boys?"

"It's all false advertising."

Me to police officer: "It's really warm in here. Is the A/C broken?"
Police officer to me: "It's like this all the time...like working in hell."

"We'll live here for the first year, then we'll get you pregnant and move to the suburbs."

"I was just in a happy non-Bandaid world before you dropped that bombshell."

A friend speaking on the assumed advantages of being married over being single: "I'd rather have even a few months of earth-shattering, mind-blowing, furniture-destroying melees in the bedroom...living room...kitchen...closet...garage...with my husband...and then be taken for granted for 40 years."

Further Explanation Required

I am not in the business of blogging a survey of the Old Testament. There's no way we can possibly hash out all the implications of God's plan for the Israelites on my blog. I also need to restate that my posts on world missions are about just that -- world missions. I am merely looking at one aspect of God's work and how He used His people to make His glory known to the nations. So let me clarify and address yesterday's post and Troy's comments regarding the topic.

The Abrahamic covenant states: "Now the LORD said to Abram, "Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed." Gen 12:1-3 (my emphasis added)

The blessing referred to in this passage connotes more than the receiving of good things. This blessing refers to the conferral of a family name, responsibility, obligation and privilege. So we see that God intends the Abrahamic Covenant to result in His blessing being poured out on all peoples. We know this is ultimately fulfilled through Christ. So does this mean that the covenant lies dormant for 2000 years until the arrival of Christ? Or does it mean that Abraham and the Israelite nation are to confer the blessing to the nations around them?

Two more times, God repeats the promised blessing to Abraham (Gen 18:18, 22:18). He also repeats it to Isaac (26:4) and to Jacob (28:14-15). The blessing falls on the Israelites, but it's not intended to stop there. There are five epochs before the appearance of Christ: Patriarchs, Captivity, Judges, Kings, Second Captivity/Diaspora. Surely God meant for the blessing to be shared throughout these periods.

The Israelites were sinful, so God established the Law. The Law was a specific revelation for the Israelite nation. It was intended to set Israel apart. "They were to live out the righteousness of the one true God, whose glory they were to declare in the whole earth (Isaiah 19, Numbers 14, Deuteronomy 28:10)." ~ Paul Borthwick, A Mind for Missions

The nation turns from God and the Law, so He sends the prophets.

"By the time we come to the prophets it is clear that the calling of Israel as a nation is for the sake of the whole world...Israel then is to be preserved so that she can mediate God's promises for His creation as a whole. They are to exhibit a people, institutions, and a land which will reflect God's glory so that this can one day be communicated to the whole earth and to all peoples." ~ William Dyrness, Let the Earth Rejoice

Isaiah, Habakkuk and Micah all reminded Israel of God's plan to include the whole earth in the blessing. The Psalmists also frequently refer to the mandate to glorify God through all the earth. The Old Testament proves over and over that God is a missionary God. Elisha demonstrated God's redemption to Gentiles (2 Kings 4:8, 2 Kings 5), Esther served as God's messenger to her Gentile captors, Joseph was God's agent of redemption in Egypt, Daniel and Jonah witnessed to pagan nations.

The Exile and the Great Commission are not the same thing. In my previous post, I wasn't trying to imply that God commissioned the Israelites out to other nations. But He did expect them to demonstrate His righteousness for the purpose of making His glory known. "He prepared His people Israel, as children of Abraham, to be a blessing to all nations. In the Old Testament, God's people made choices that kept them from fulfilling His perfect plan, but they could not stop His purposes from being plainly stated. God was in the business of redemption, and He would accomplish His purposes through His Messiah." ~ Borthwick

Whew. Time to take a break. Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday and you know what that means...

World Missions...and Things cont'd.

God has a heart for missions. His final word of command was to send His followers to every people group on the earth to share the good news of Christ. However, His followers don't seem to be nearly as excited about missions as God is. It seems that missionaries throughout the ages have been reluctant to leave the comfort of home and safety for the unknown perils of the mission field. In God's Story in History, we are told how the gospel spread through the world despite the believing community.

"Where possible God accomplished His will through the voluntary obedience and godliness of His people, but where necessary, He did His will through involuntary means." ~ Ralph Winter

In Genesis 12, God unfolds the vision for His plan for the world. From Genesis 12 to the end of the Bible, one long drama unfolds: God's plan to redeem His fallen creation through the giving of His Son. God intended the Israelites, starting with Abraham, to be a missionary people. The "blessing" He promised to Abraham was conditioned upon Abraham sharing his blessing with the nations. But the Israelites failed over and over. They refused to go willingly. So God sent them unwillingly. Time and time again, God used the Israelites' disobedience to display His power and might to the surrounding nations, whether His children were cooperative or not. This often meant sending them into captivity. Their captors saw the power of God, even when the Israelites did not.

Then Jesus appears on the scene. He was sent to His "own" but the second He reveals God's plan to share the blessing with the Gentiles, His "own" erupt in fury. The Israelites just aren't okay with serving a missional God. They failed in their job of blessing the nations, so God moves on to the next group: the Gentiles.

Unfortunately, the Gentiles don't do much better. More on that tomorrow.

On a lighter note...I am tempted to watch the season premiere of America's Next Top Model tonight. This is probably the only TV show that I have a desire to watch.

World Missions...and Things cont'd.

In Understanding God's Story, we are reminded that it is His story and not ours. One of the reasons people reject the gospel is because of the method in which it is presented to them.

"Some people reject the gospel not because they perceive it to be false, but because they perceive it to be alien." ~Stott

The basis of missions is to reveal the glory of God to the nations. When Christ delivered the Great Commission, He sent us to share the gospel with every nation. In the Greek, this is "pente ethne" which means every people group. There are an estimated 16,011 people groups in the world. Of those, 6,650 people groups have never been reached with the gospel. That represents about 2.59 billion people who don't even have the ability to hear about Christ. That seems daunting and insurmountable. But...

"God is not in a rush; He has not lost control of the world; His ultimate purposes are not being thwarted; He is still all-powerful, all-glorious, and still seeks to bring humanity back to Himself so that we might experience His glory." ~Paul Borthwick

On a lighter note...as Dovie pointed out, today is National Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Three Men and a Little Lady

Last night I cooked dinner for three men. I showed up at the house bearing a pot roast and bags of groceries. They hovered around like kids in a candy store. Then they wandered into the living room and discussed football while I started cooking.

A few minutes later, one of them came into the kitchen to be sociable for a bit. He asked me if I needed any help. I asked him if that was a serious offer or a courtesy offer. His reply seemed to indicate it was a courtesy offer, so I didn't press him into service.

A short time later, he asked if they had permission to turn on the TV while I worked on the meal. I acquiesced. They became absorbed in an episode of 24. I mashed the potatoes, sauteed the onions, steamed the green beans, thickened the gravy and baked the brownies.

I thought to myself "so this is what marriage is like."

World Missions...and Things

I am taking a Perspectives class at church. The class is designed to give people an understanding of God's work in the nations and His movement in missions. I was already familiar with many of the facts and statistics, but it is still mind-blowing to hear these truths over and over. I plan to share some of the quotes and illustrations that have most resonated with me.

The first lesson of the course starts with Understanding God's Story. Just two paragraphs into the reading, this sentence struck me.

"The degree of the church's commitment to world evangelization is commensurate with the degree of its conviction about the authority of the Bible." ~ John Stott.

If you can't say amen you'd better say ouch.

And further down, Stott says: "Individual Christians and local churches not committed to world evangelization are contradicting (either through blindness or through disobedience) an essential part of their God-given identity. The biblical mandate for world evangelization cannot be escaped."

Chew on that for a bit.

On a lighter note, I had another crazy dream. I was pushing a shopping cart through an assisted living center. I got lost in the maze of hallways and came across an old man who seemed a bit like a pirate. Then I turned a corner and found two cockroaches crawling toward me.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I thought Troy said 'you're in charge of Laurie.'"

"I have a teeny, dumb husband brain."

"I'm nobody's bubba."

"Laurie, which is more disgusting: boogers or poop?"

"I'm going to tell you a dirty joke."

"Gives a whole new meaning to 'potty mouth.'"

"You're a great cook, you serve people and you insult me. You're irreplaceable!"

O Twisted Fate

I spoke too soon. Just last night, I told Moms that the roach problem was getting better. Just this morning, I woke up and opened my eyes to see a HUGE cockroach on the wall above my bed. I thought to myself "maybe I'm dreaming again." Unfortunately, this was all too real. But in all things, God provides. Kristen was still at home and came to my rescue. She climbed up on my bed and killed the thing.

The part that scares me is the connection between my dreams and reality. Are my dreams manifesting themselves into life? If I see any homeless men today, I am running away as fast as I can.

Dreamy

I think all the medicine I've been taking is causing me to have weird dreams.

A couple nights ago, I dreamt a homeless man shot me in the leg. Anyone care to analyze that one?

Last night, I dreamt a cockroach was chasing me. It was one of those dreams where your body moves in slow motion and you can't get away. I kept trying to dodge him and he kept running straight at me. I was crying and feeling panicked. I realized the only thing I could do was kill him. I had a tissue in my hand (I do have a cold, after all) and I reached down and squashed him with it. He popped. I screamed and fainted. Then I woke up feeling clammy and scared.

I am afraid of going to sleep tonight.

Blah

I feel blah. I'm getting sick. I have a sore throat, a slight cough and a little bit of congestion. These things combine together to make me feel like whining and being generally cranky. But instead of indulging in my misery, I give you a list of "nevers."

• I have never smoked.
• I have never been to a professional football game.
• I have never been to New York.
• I have never liked lima beans.
• I have never been kissed.
• I have never gone sailing.
• I have never seen The Goonies.
• I have never wanted to go to Las Vegas.
• I have never been to Disneyworld.
• I have never watched a horror movie.
• I have never been skiiing.
• I have never broken a bone.
• I have never learned to roller skate.

Internet Romance

It all started here. It began innocently enough. One comment led to another which led to another and so on. Next thing I know, I'm involved in a blog-relationship. Our love is set to music.

I haven't even had a chance to tell my mother. She'll be so happy.

Can you tell I'm bored today?

I may have to start a video clip version of the Friday Funnies...

Friday Funnies: Bonus Edition

Oh my gosh! A friend just sent me this saying it made her think of me. Eeek.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"You just said that with 'seductive voice.'"

"We gotta keep those cellos apart. They breed."

"I'm so hot, it is sinful to go on a date with me."

"Are you two involved in a bro-mance?"

"I had a random dream last night about you and Dave. YOU GOT MARRIED."

Random. Scary.

I have the song "John Jacob Jingle-Heimer Schmidt" stuck in my head today. I don't know how it got there. I don't know how to get it out. All I know is now you have it stuck in your head too.

Rumors, Buzz, Bragging etc...

So I have a secret. Apparently my secret has caused quite a buzz. Numerous people have tried to guess the secret. One guy informed me that another guy bragged he could get the secret out of me. Not so, my friend.

None of you will ever guess this secret. It's not something that would be within the realms of anything you will think up. I won't tell ANY of you what the secret is until the two month period is up. So those of you who think you can find out the secret are wrong. Those of you who plan to ask certain well-connected friends for information will find it a useless endeavor.

I will dispel some rumors about the secret. No one is pregnant. No one is engaged. No one is about to get pregnant or engaged. No one is stealth-dating. No one has plans to stealth-date. In fact, my secret has nothing to do with male-female relationships at all.

You are all evil. There is no hope. That's it. Thank you.

Somewhat Questionable?

We all know I'm not afraid of the shady. Sometimes I even embrace it. Shocking, I know. Well apparently I have taken things too far. A friend informed me that QQ shows up as "Somewhat Questionable" on his Covenant Eyes account. So every time he hits my site, Covenant Eyes sends a report to his accountability partners, informing them that he is surfing a website with somewhat questionable content. He had to explain to said accountability partners why he's been visiting the site so frequently and why it's okay for him to do so.

Oh no she di'int!

I thought it was just another calm afternoon at Starbucks. I should have known things would go wrong. We weren't at my Starbucks...we were on foreign soil.

I had already noticed a few odd sights: those two women seem a tad bit friendly with each other; yikes! lady, rethink the dueling gingham checks; oh no, you are clearly almost 50 years old and you're wearing that!

But then it happened. The couple at the table behind us prepared to leave. They started bundling up their bouncing baby boy who was absolutely precious. My friend and I were admiring his adorableness when we noticed something alarming happening. The mom began removing the baby's garments. She then proceeded to change his diaper on the table in Starbucks! Ewwww!

My friend and I looked on in horror. I had to turn away. I couldn't watch. She finished the job. They left the store. A short time later a group of people came in and sat down at that table. The poor fools had no clue.

My friend looked at me and said "which one of us is going to blog about this?"
Both of us. Definitely.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Like a presidential whack-a-mole."

"You are probably very irritated right now. I enjoy that."

"It's because I'm Black, isn't it?"

"My desk has FLEAS!"

Me: "Because of you, I'm not getting any!"
Guy Friend: "Sleep. She's referring to sleep."

Top Secret

I have a secret. Only two other people know about it and they are also sworn to secrecy. We have had this secret for less than 24 hours and it is already killing me. We have to keep this secret for two months. I have already said too much.

For Beth

Beth is bored today. She is sad because no one has emailed her, the blog updates are few and she hasn't received any personal text messages today. So I will hereby relate my Tale of Two Text Messages. (Cue dramatic, scary music.)

Last Wednesday, I received a text message from a number I did not recognize. The message was of a shady nature. An unidentified person asked me "What is the plural of penis? My friend wants to know." Of course, I was shocked and horrified that someone would send such a disgusting text message to me (translation: I thought it was really funny, but had no clue who sent it). I did not reply to the text because I figured it was some sort of prank.

On Sunday, I received another text message from the same phone number. This time the person asked "What is your address?" and that was a little creepy. Hmmm, let me see...should I reply to Mr. Anonymous Pervert Texter with my home address? Riiight. Again, I did not respond to the message.

On Monday, the same person called me. They're calling now! Ok, I am officially creeped out. I did not answer and hoped the person would leave a voicemail. They didn't. I started to send a text message to Troy, telling him about this latest attempt to cellphone stalk me, when they called AGAIN! I was in the process of typing the text message and I accidentally hit the "accept call" button on my phone. Ooops! I was stuck. I had to answer the phone and confront this wacko and deal with whatever obscenity they were about to spew over the phone line.

"Who IS this?", I demanded into the phone.

"This is Linda Brook*" a timid, meek voice answered.

I nearly died laughing. It was a girl from church! A girl I know! A girl who is very funny and sweet and had no idea she was freaking me out with her text messages. I have now programmed her number into my phone...so the next time she sends me a text of a shady nature I won't accuse her of being a perverted stalker.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

New "Secret" Crush

I might have a new crush. Don't tell Andy. It's just that I never see him these days. Our schedules are so different. It's like we have grown apart. Sometimes these things just happen. I'm not saying I don't still love him. I'm just saying that my love for him has changed. I mean, it's really hard to make long-distance relationships work. I need more from him than the occasional smile or glance across the room. I need real commitment, not just random encounters once every month or two. He will always hold a special place in my heart, but I think I have to give my secret fantasy crush status to someone else.

I refer you back to a previous entry.

I guess even then, deep inside, I knew the truth between us. I see Matt pretty often, usually at city council meetings. He's a newspaper guy. Newspaper guy=brilliant. Yesterday he offered to share story ideas with me. This is unheard of in newsworld. Reporters just don't share leads with reporters from other organizations. It's one thing to offer a lead to a co-worker, it's a completely different thing to offer a lead to a colleague at another outlet. Anyhoo, he made the offer and I accepted. Then I got his phone number. Now I just have to wait for a slow news day so I can have an excuse to actually call him.

The days are waning

August is almost over. You know what that means: I will be able to spend money at Starbucks again! I am so excited about the thought. In the meantime, I have a new Starbucks card that a kind benefactor tucked into my purse to tide me over until September. I will go do some studying tomorrow night and use it then. It makes me giddy just thinking about it. :)

Thanks to all who so willingly gave to the cause. Amy, Mrs. Warfield, Michelle, Todd, Troy and Darrick: because of you, I was able to have six Starbucks drinks and two croissants this month. You warm my heart.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"'Come back!' said all the pale little villagers as one of their own was swept up in the dark current of people..."

"Capella Haiku:

Oh sweet Capella
keeper of Katrina ambi
Wade is so gleeful

Republicans meet
Capella is on late night scene
She is excellent"
(A colleague wrote this for my co-worker Capella. I realize it's not funny to most of you, but it made me laugh and that's what the Friday Funnies are all about.)

"I take my dating much more seriously than my football."

"Laurie, have you ever been so drunk that the room was spinning?"
(A co-worker asked me this. I'm not sure he believed me when I said "no.")

"People I hate: A 427-Part Series"

"You and Ross should write a book together...'A Day in the Life of Shady People.'"

"All metaphors should be cold and delicious."

"Let me know if you want help picking out your first-date outfit."

"I dreamed about your blog last night. I was reading the Friday Funnies and, well, they just weren't funny."

Unfinished Business

A random list of bloggable items. I probably won't get around to blogging about any of these things.

• I had Starbucks on Tuesday. Thanks, Michelle!
• Katie and I got "shushed" at La Madeleine this morning. Apparently we were laughing too loud for the man at the next table who was talking on his cell phone.
• Yesterday I was at a restaurant when a man told me I am beautiful and he'll always remember my eyes.
• I miss Jessica and wish more of you knew her.
• I can cry more tears than I ever thought possible. Sometimes they won't stop coming.
• Sometimes I just need to be held. Sometimes there is someone there to hold me. Usually there isn't.
• I received my first dirty text message.
• I have believed a lie and I don't know how to unbelieve it. It's one of my deepest wounds.
• Two live cockroaches on Monday. One in the kitchen drawer.
• Ice cream makes me happy.
• I've journaled more this week than I have all year. Seriously.
• I need to meet Moms.

The Office

Our HR administrator sent out an email yesterday. The subject line is "Training Opportunity: Rape and Aggression."

I don't want to be trained in how to do these things.

And the days are not full enough

And the days are not full enough
And the nights are not full enough
And life slips by like a field mouse
Not shaking the grass

~Ezra Pound

Every good and perfect gift...

Sometimes blessings come in unexpected ways from unexpected sources.

On Saturday, I joined with several girls from my Sunday School class for a prayer breakfast. Amy's mom, Linda, came and shared a bit of her testimony. She was great -- very warm and engaging. In addition to sharing her testimony, she also shared goodie bags! Each package had an assortment of odds and ends: gum, pencil, chocolate etc... But the BEST part was the Starbucks gift card tucked inside! That's right! Without even knowing it, she blessed me with the one thing I was desperate for!

I am treasuring up my little Starbucks card. I plan to use it on Saturday. I have promised not to schedule anything on Saturday and have written the words "DO NOTHING" in my planner. Part of my "do nothing" day will include a delightful trip to my beloved Starbucks. I'm counting the hours until we can be together again.

As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love -- a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

~C.S. Lewis

The Office

Our elevator is really slow. So slow, it would appear someone requires a chair while waiting.

Friday Funnies

"Do you have any water? Because if you do, we'll stand here and pour it all over our bodies."

"In transexual relationships it can be hard to maintain plutonicity."
translation: in cross-gender friendships it can be hard to maintain platonic boundaries.

"I'm looking forward to meeting Laverne and Shirley."

"He staggers around like a drunk pirate."

Wardrobe Malfunction

This entry should probably fall under the "too much information" category. But I am past caring, at this point. Incidentally, I was accused of sharing TMI last night on the phone with a guy friend. Sorry Friend! You're about to get a double dose!

This morning I was planning my wardrobe for the day. I have one of those crazy days where it started out with an early breakfast meeting, then off to work after which I'm having dinner with a friend, then meeting up with another group of friends at another restaurant, then heading off to go dancing. Whew. So I knew I needed to wear something that would be appropriate for work, but still be fun and cute for a night out because I will have no time to go home and change.

I headed out the door feeling pretty good about my selection. V-neck shirt with jeans and heels and, because I am a Good Baptist Girl, a tank top under the shirt to keep anything questionable from showing. Yes, well, good intentions are better than nothing, right? As the day has progressed, said tank top keeps sliding lower and lower and lower. Like, really low. As in, "Hi, my name is Laurie and please also meet Laverne and Shirley who are making a public appearance today."

I can't decide which is better: do I keep tugging the darn thing up every five minutes or just embrace the situation and work it?

Flirting Baristas

Random thought: shouldn't a male "barista" actually be a "baristo"?

As previously mentioned, my Date from Last Night took me to Starbucks yesterday. Keep in mind that I had not been there in more than a week. Wow...eight days even. So my Date from Last Night and I walked up to the counter to place our order. When the barista saw me he exclaimed "Hey! It's been a while since I've seen you around here!" I had to explain to him that I am on Starbucks hiatus and that my absence wasn't the result of any personal animosity or lack of interest. I couldn't decide whether the fact that he missed me was funny or sad. But it drove the point home...my love affair with Starbucks runs deeper than even I realized.

My Love Story

I had a date tonight. Yes, it's true. I don't want to go overboard and start gushing all over this blog...but it was pretty magical. The date was with someone I've known for some time, but tonight was different. There was a spark in the air, like the feeling in the atmosphere just before a storm. I savored the moment, knowing I wouldn't have another like it for a long time. I had to treasure it up because there won't be a second date...at least not for a while. I have told my sweet Starbucks we must part ways for a time. We came together tonight and it was like I had never breathed before that moment. But it couldn't last. I had to leave and I won't return...

Taking My Vows

Last night I had dinner with all seven sides of Shanna. At least, I think all seven sides of her were there...I'll have to check and make sure. Anyway, the very young high-school hostess who seated us kept giving me odd glances and staring at me. As I sat down, she said "you look just like my chemistry teacher!" I laughed and said chemistry would be the last thing you would ever find me teaching. Throughout the evening, high-school hostess would pass by our table and stare at me. One time she walked by and said "Hi again. Is this your first time to eat here? I've never seen you here before." A few minutes later she referred to herself as "teacher's pet." When we left, she called after me "Goodbye, Teacher!" The funniest part is she attends a Catholic school. So I not only look like her chemistry teacher...I look like her chemistry teacher who happens to be a nun!

Call me Sister Laurie Elizabeth

Get Real

Some of you might be wondering about the poem I posted last night. Others have noticed and pointed out that I have been posting lots of poetry lately. One friend observed yesterday that he wasn't sure what to think about that or what it meant. Well, I am here to enlighten you. I think my blog is going through growing pains. Which really means I am going through growing pains. My blog has served as an outlet for my silly stories, off-beat humor and shady anecdotes. But I feel like it has been very one-dimensional. People who read my blog and don't know me personally will get a very skewed idea of who I am. I fear even the people who do know me may be misled by what they read here. The reality is...

I am not always happy.
I laugh a lot, but I don't always enjoy life.
I am easygoing, but I carry many deep hurts.
I put on a brave face, but I am scared.

In other words, I am just like every other person on the planet. I want my blog to reflect more of the complete me. So, from time to time, I will post things that reflect the way I am feeling. I may share a little bit more about my personal journey. I might make myself vulnerable. And I will still laugh and tell funny stories and relate the shady comments that get made to me each week. Have no fear! You will still be able to come to this blog and find something amusing to entertain you. But you might also find out a little more about me. I hope you'll like what you see, because it's just me trying to get real with you.

To ___

See me standing here?
I hope I look tough
to you. Tough and strong
and unafraid and
maybe defiant as well.
Maybe you look at me
and you are scared. I
hope so. I hope my
defiance convinces you
to never hurt me again.
Not that I will let you. You
aren't allowed in any more.
At the center
there is a heart dripping blood
telling you how much you're hurting me.
But it's lying. I won't let you
Hurt me.

~Laurie Johnson

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"In the name of Laurie Johnson, DIE!"

"Why do so many marriages fail? I mean, I know there's porn and stuff..."

"Where's Keira Knightley?" "Probably throwing up in a toilet somewhere."

"Improve your marriage in less than 24 hours!"

"I know what you're thinking...and this is not a booty call."

Advice to a Girl

No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed;
Lay that on your heart,
My young angry dear;
This truth, this hard precious stone,
Lay it on your hot cheek,
Let it hide your tear.
Hold it like a crystal
When you are alone
And gaze in the depths of the icy stone.
Long, look long and you will be blessed:
No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed.

~Sara Teasdale

The Big Time

My story made it onto the network this morning! Woo hoo! You can listen to it here.

Risk

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom.

~Anais Nin

Exclamation Points

I paid off my car this week!

I'm working on a pretty big national story which will air on the network tomorrow!

I get to have Starbucks tonight!

The Astros won last night!

You Who Never Arrived

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of
the next moment. All the immense
images in me -- the far-off, deeply-felt
landscape, cities, towers, and bridges, and
unsuspected turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods--
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house--, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,--
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence, and
started, gave back my too-sudden image.
Who knows? Perhaps the same
bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening...

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Coffee Lovin'

Apparently blog desperation works. Within 24 hours of posting my intention of going on Starbucks hiatus I have had three offers from people who want to purchase the liquid gold for me. I have now have a coffee "date" set up for this week and a second one scheduled for next week. I am trying to space them out so I don't get my Starbucks fix all at once. I am currently accepting applications from people who want to take me to Starbucks between August 17th and August 31st. I also have an opening tonight. I'm just sayin'...

Tremens

After receiving lots of flack from a certain friend about my Starbucks expenditures (note the June tally in the left column), I have sworn off Starbucks for the month of August. I determined I will not make any purchases at said coffee shop for an entire month. I will be $42.04 richer by September 1st. The only way I will get any Starbucks in me, is if you buy it for me. I am now accepting donations in the form of gift cards, cash, checks and blood platelets. This would also be an excellent opportunity for some of you guys to ask me out. All you have to say is "Laurie, I'm really interested in spending some time with you. Are you available to go to Starbucks this Friday?" I guarantee I will say yes...as long as you're buying...and as long as it's August.

The Sweetest Kind of Night

I admit, I love to lie by someone as they fall asleep,
to hear their cautious breath turn to an unrestrained rhythm,
like a perfect prayer, to hear their chest exhale and swell
like a silent promise of life, to listen so intently to their heartbeat,
pulsing, like an ancient lullaby, and then slowly,
to realize your heart is beating as well, cautiously at first,
but later breaking, into a coaxing surge,
much like the hushed flapping of a giant bird's wings,
yet as calm as the sun in August.

~Erin Agee

Friday Funnies

"How cute! You're taller sitting down than you are standing up!" ~ A comment from someone who noticed I am shorter when standing than when sitting on an elevated barstool.

"If you live with your parents, you won't be using those 'curtains' very often." ~ Curtains = lingerie

"New Potatoes!" ~ You had to be there.

"Quick! Tell her she's pretty!" ~ One guy telling another guy what to do after second guy offended me.

"Give him a womb for his children." ~ No explanation forthcoming.

Reason # 58 Why I Love My Job

I had to cover a cadet firefighter training procedure today. My job was to follow the team as they ran through a rescue drill. These are the sacrifices I make for you, the public. Someone has to disseminate the news and that someone is I. You can thank me the next time you see me.

We Wear the Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes --
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

~Paul Laurence Dunbar

Aedh Wishes for the Clothes of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread upon my dreams.

~W.B. Yeats

Get Excited

Cakewalk 2006 is practically around the corner! Check here for frequent updates, baking tips and maybe even some of Laurie's top secret recipes!

Apologies

I didn't blog yesterday. You have probably figured that out. I'm sorry. I have nothing to say for myself. I won't even offer any excuses. I will simply face what I have done, express remorse and attempt to move on and regain your trust. I can only hope this hasn't damaged our relationship.

While you are working on forgiving me for my fall, I will share some random things about myself that you may not know about me.

• I don't like American cheese.
• I was scared of Mr. Snuffleupagus.
• My hair used to be so long that I could sit on it.
• When I was 12, my baking won the blue ribbon at the county fair.
• I never went to school until I started college.
• I don't have a favorite flower.
• I have been on one blind date.
• I know how to make quilts.
• I don't like the beach very much.
• I love forests.
• I had two pet ducks named Howard and Fluffy.
• I hate dusting.
• I like Pepsi better than Coke.
• I don't like Dr. Pepper.
• I can't roller skate.
• My favorite book is Bleak House.
• I hate the sound of squeaking windshield wipers.
• I hate being late.
• I love the smell of rain.
• I have never gotten a speeding ticket.