Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"We should develop a new women's perfume and call it SaltLick!"

"I am the litmus test for grace."

"Laurie, could you ice down my biceps? Because I think they're swollen."

On the subject of Laverne and Shirley:
Me: "It's not like I greet them in the morning."
Guy Friend: "If they were mine, I would greet them every day."

On the subject of crossing the line vs. dancing close to the line:
"If you're only dancing, then you're dancing in the middle of a Southern Baptist Convention Elders' meeting."

"Please let me know when the alpha version of SaltLick is ready for testing."

How the Bible addresses the dangers of internet dating:
"Though I have much to write to you, I would rather not use keyboard and monitor. Instead I hope to come to you and talk face to face, so that our joy may be complete." 2 John 12 (New Living Paradigm Translation)

I have a date!

A guy called me yesterday. He told me he had tickets to see West Side Story and he was wondering if I wanted to go. Yesssss! I did think it was odd that he told me he wasn't going to kiss me afterward. But, whatever. I also thought it was strange that he stressed the fact that other people would be going with us. It's almost like he's trying to tell me it's not a date. Hmmm. But he specifically told me I could call it a date, if I wanted to. It was also a little weird that this guy knows I have already told him that we wouldn't make a good couple. Seems like he wouldn't ask me out after we've already had that conversation. But clearly he asked and I said yes...woman's prerogative and all.

Okay, so maybe it's not a date. Maybe it's one friend calling up another friend to invite that person to go see a show together. Throw me a bone, people. A girl can dream.

Bath Time

I recently learned about the vast differences between how men and women view bathing. I'm not talking about getting clean, I'm talking about taking a bath. Here's what I learned:

Women and bathing~
When a woman takes a bath, it is a relaxing experience. Certain preparations must take place before stepping into the tub. First, you pour a glass of wine (some of you may skip this step). Next, you run the hot water. My own preference is to make the water as hot as I can stand it. This is relaxing to the body and helps keep the water warm throughout the duration of the bath. While the water is running, some sort of scented bath salts, bubble bath or other additive should be poured into the tub. If you have long hair, now is the time to pin it up. Light a few candles and place them around the tub/bathroom. Grab a rolled up towel or air pillow, along with a novel or magazine. Step into the tub, adjust the pillow, lay back and breathe a deep sigh of relaxation. Commence sipping, reading, breathing in the scented steam and generally luxuriating in the silky water. Try not to doze off. Repeat next week.

Men and bathing~
Men don't take baths. There's a reason for this. Here's what happens when a man takes a bath. First, draw a tubful of hot water. Make it really hot. Get in the tub. Sit there for a while. Don't bring a book with you because it will get wet. Start sweating in the hot water. Get out of the tub and turn down the thermostat. Get back in the tub. Sit there some more. Realize you are hungry. Get out of the tub, go to the kitchen and grab some crackers and cheese. Get back in the tub while munching your snack. Realize there are now cracker crumbs floating in your bathwater. Sit there a little longer. Realize you are thirsty from all the crackers and cheese. Continue to sit in what appears to be your own filth until you can't take it anymore. Get out of the tub feeling dirty, sweaty, thirsty and disgusted. Swear never to take another bath.

Making Music

I am so excited to have Guest Music Critic Eye Doctor Justin sharing his review with us today. Hopefully this will become a semi-regular feature on the QQ. Enjoy!

Album of Note: Turn Around by Jonny Lang

Every once in awhile there is an album that comes along that impacts me on so much more than simply a musical level. For me, Turn Around is that album.

Jonny Lang (yes, that's right... there isn't any "h") has been making music for almost ten years now. What makes that so amazing is that he is my age... 25. When I was a freshman in high school Jonny released his first album, Lie to Me, and in the 10 years since then he has meticulously developed himself into a brilliant blues guitarist/singer/songwriter. In all honesty, Jonny Lang is the blues artist that I have been looking for. Many of his fellow singer/songwriters ( i.e. Mard Broussard) would do well to pay close attention to the way that Jonny goes about his art.

The first album of his that I was exposed to was Long Time Coming, but he was not truly on my radar screen until last week when I downloaded his new album Turn Around. On the surface, this album is a cool fusion of blues and gospel, but then I read this interview, and Turn Around completely came alive.

Amazing. Turn Around is Jonny Lang living out the reality of his life while producing the best blues album out right now. If you do nothing else, do yourself a favor and download "Only a Man", but the whole album is well worth your $9.99.

An Affair to Remember

I've been trying not to make a big deal out of this. My internet love affair with Dennis has been spiraling downward. At first, the relationship seemed to be really great. We even had our own music montage! But as the days went by he grew more and more distant. I tried not to let it bother me. I kept reading his blog. I even commented a few times. I didn't tell anyone that things weren't going so well. I thought maybe the problem was with me. But then the argument began. It's funny how couples will fight over the smallest things. It actually took a mediator to resolve the dispute between us. I wanted to share all of this with my faithful QQ readers because I have good news: Dennis and I are fully reconciled. I told him how I felt he had created distance between us. He quickly responded by commenting twice on my blog! He also added me to his blog-roll. The least I can do is reciprocate.

Relationships can be hard.

Sunday Song

I woke up
and wished that I was dead
with an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed.
I thought of you
and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on.

And everything
that I said I'd do,
like make the world brand-new
and take the time for you,
I just got lost
and slept right through the dawn
and the world spins madly on.

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my windowsill
the whole world is moving but I'm standing still

I woke up
and wished that I was dead
with an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed.
The night is here
the day is gone
and the world spins madly on.

I thought of you
and where you'd gone
and the world spins madly on.

~The Weepies

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Scream and say you saw a roach. Maybe we'll get a free meal out of it."

"And behold, she spake unto him and said, 'alas.'"

"I could carry you across the threshold, but the construction crew might get the wrong idea."

"All these baseball players on steroids...instead of using cups, now they're using thimbles."

"Todd, you don't want a shag?"

"God's sovereignty is like a string around your neck."

"I'm like a muslim terrorist."

Dichotomy

I post something intended to be funny and silly and I get 17 comments. Most of them being reactionary or angry. I post something sweet and heart-felt and I get three comments (thank you, Commenters!). So clearly I need to stick to the outrageous, over-the-top, controversial topics. That way I'll get more comments. The more comments I have on my blog, the more important I feel. So now I have to come up with a list of vitriolic topics to blog about that will generate hundreds of comments and maybe get me listed on Blogger's "Blogs of Note."

(Some of you may not know the definitions for dichotomy and vitriolic. I don't care.)

(Okay, really I do care. But I am trying to be vitriolic. I realize you don't know what that means. The important thing to remember is vitriol does not come naturally to me. I'm really having to work at it.)

(Okay, fine. It means acidic or caustic. And dichotomy means a division, usually between contradictory groups. Are you happy now? I didn't think so.)

Why best friends are...well...the best

Best friends are the best because...

1. They stand up for you.
2. They defend you against attack.
3. They don't mind when you make fun of them.
4. You don't mind when they make fun of you.
5. They make you feel safe.
6. They know what you mean to say, even when you don't say it.
7. They push you to grow in your faith.
8. They overlook your faults, but they don't let you get away with anything.
9. They know all your inside jokes.
10. They are trustworthy.
11. They tease you and you like it.
12. They encourage you and you appreciate it.
13. They keep no record of wrongs.
14. They charge you for text messages but fix everything in your house for free.
15. They are Christ to you.

Let's Give 'Em Somethin' to Blog About

I fear the Summit Blog is dying. In a recent scientific survey conducted by me, I found that only 54 percent of the blogs listed in my "Friends" section were updated within the last month. Out of 44 blogs, three are dead links. Three other blogs have not been updated since May. One of the blogs has a grand total of two entries, the last one being in August. Even the most dependable bloggers would appear to be entering the death throes.

Perhaps it is time for an intervention. Maybe all of these bloggers simply need something to blog about. In an effort to help revive the blog community and do my part to promote Summit blogging, I submit the following topics for use by anyone undergoing blog-block.

• Summit Men: Why they don't date
• Summit Women: Why they always say "no"
• Nehemiah as the next hot baby name
• Destination Weddings: Colosse or College Station?
• Rescuing a girl from a River or a Well
• Beth Moore: Doctrine Diva
• A scriptural dissertation proving that single men and women should never pray together
• A vote for a Democrat = A vote for Hell
• T-Holla: The Real Slim Shady
• Flirting: God-style
• Why Blogger's spellcheck doesn't know how to spell "blog"

For everything else there's...

Bongo Boy had friends over last night. They sat outside on the steps partying for a while. One "friend" spent the night. Don't ask me how I know this...
I walked out the front door this morning and saw the friend's car parked across the street. Wow.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I'm not speaking to you today because I'm not on the Friday Funnies."

"Smells like ambush."

"Justin Isaac Fountain isn't a good assassin name."
"But Jiffy is!"

"Do you smell something stinky? Because I think you might be spoiled."

"I don't know if that's funny enough for the Friday Funnies. I've had two glasses of wine...I'm not a good judge."

Some things money can't buy...

Detergent: $2.49

Razor and shaving cream: $1.96

The feeling of soft, clean sheets on just-shaved legs: Priceless

Mixed Emotions

Every week the mayor's information officers send out his public schedule to the media. This week we were excited because he will be attending an event at our station. Check out the media notification:

6:30 p.m. ~ Mayor White will attend the KUFH high-definition station "switch flipping" ceremony. Location: Melcher Center for Public Broadcasting, University of Houston.

That's great and all...except those aren't our call letters.

True Love & True Pain

You know you love someone when you agree to meet them for breakfast at 6:30am simply because they tell you "it will be fun."

You know you should exercise more when you go running on Monday and your body screams expletives at you on Tuesday.

I'm goin' out to eat worms

That's right. Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me.

For the first time since I can remember, my Evite inbox is empty.

Population of the World

Nominal Christians: 1.2 billion
Muslims: 1.2 billion
Secular Religions: 938 million
Hindus: 820 Million
Active Christians: 680 million
Buddhists: 400 million
Chinese Folk Religions: 383 million
Tribal Religions: 176 million
Other: 95 million

Out of all those groups, an estimated 2 billion people are completely unreached with the gospel of Christ. One of these unreached groups is the Baluch. The Baluch people are Sunni Muslims who live in regions dominated by Shiite Muslims. There are 4.5 million Baluch living primarily in Pakistan and some scattered in Iran, Turkmenistan, the Gulf States and Sweden. There are only ten known Baluch Christians in the world.

Do I know you?

Last Friday I experienced a career first. I was out on an assignment at a press conference. I was innocently minding my own business, when a TV camerman standing behind me gave me a love pat on my rear! I whirled around to look at him and he gave me a sly smile and commented about the event. I was so flabbergasted, I didn't even know how to react. One of my guy friends told me I should have asked for his number. Riiiight.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I can't pimp out Jonathan."

"Hey, you two over there in the love bubble..."
loooong pause before the love bubble responds
"Huh? What?"

"Shanna, how do you feel about all these teachers getting their groove on with young boys?"

"It's all false advertising."

Me to police officer: "It's really warm in here. Is the A/C broken?"
Police officer to me: "It's like this all the time...like working in hell."

"We'll live here for the first year, then we'll get you pregnant and move to the suburbs."

"I was just in a happy non-Bandaid world before you dropped that bombshell."

A friend speaking on the assumed advantages of being married over being single: "I'd rather have even a few months of earth-shattering, mind-blowing, furniture-destroying melees in the bedroom...living room...kitchen...closet...garage...with my husband...and then be taken for granted for 40 years."

Further Explanation Required

I am not in the business of blogging a survey of the Old Testament. There's no way we can possibly hash out all the implications of God's plan for the Israelites on my blog. I also need to restate that my posts on world missions are about just that -- world missions. I am merely looking at one aspect of God's work and how He used His people to make His glory known to the nations. So let me clarify and address yesterday's post and Troy's comments regarding the topic.

The Abrahamic covenant states: "Now the LORD said to Abram, "Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed." Gen 12:1-3 (my emphasis added)

The blessing referred to in this passage connotes more than the receiving of good things. This blessing refers to the conferral of a family name, responsibility, obligation and privilege. So we see that God intends the Abrahamic Covenant to result in His blessing being poured out on all peoples. We know this is ultimately fulfilled through Christ. So does this mean that the covenant lies dormant for 2000 years until the arrival of Christ? Or does it mean that Abraham and the Israelite nation are to confer the blessing to the nations around them?

Two more times, God repeats the promised blessing to Abraham (Gen 18:18, 22:18). He also repeats it to Isaac (26:4) and to Jacob (28:14-15). The blessing falls on the Israelites, but it's not intended to stop there. There are five epochs before the appearance of Christ: Patriarchs, Captivity, Judges, Kings, Second Captivity/Diaspora. Surely God meant for the blessing to be shared throughout these periods.

The Israelites were sinful, so God established the Law. The Law was a specific revelation for the Israelite nation. It was intended to set Israel apart. "They were to live out the righteousness of the one true God, whose glory they were to declare in the whole earth (Isaiah 19, Numbers 14, Deuteronomy 28:10)." ~ Paul Borthwick, A Mind for Missions

The nation turns from God and the Law, so He sends the prophets.

"By the time we come to the prophets it is clear that the calling of Israel as a nation is for the sake of the whole world...Israel then is to be preserved so that she can mediate God's promises for His creation as a whole. They are to exhibit a people, institutions, and a land which will reflect God's glory so that this can one day be communicated to the whole earth and to all peoples." ~ William Dyrness, Let the Earth Rejoice

Isaiah, Habakkuk and Micah all reminded Israel of God's plan to include the whole earth in the blessing. The Psalmists also frequently refer to the mandate to glorify God through all the earth. The Old Testament proves over and over that God is a missionary God. Elisha demonstrated God's redemption to Gentiles (2 Kings 4:8, 2 Kings 5), Esther served as God's messenger to her Gentile captors, Joseph was God's agent of redemption in Egypt, Daniel and Jonah witnessed to pagan nations.

The Exile and the Great Commission are not the same thing. In my previous post, I wasn't trying to imply that God commissioned the Israelites out to other nations. But He did expect them to demonstrate His righteousness for the purpose of making His glory known. "He prepared His people Israel, as children of Abraham, to be a blessing to all nations. In the Old Testament, God's people made choices that kept them from fulfilling His perfect plan, but they could not stop His purposes from being plainly stated. God was in the business of redemption, and He would accomplish His purposes through His Messiah." ~ Borthwick

Whew. Time to take a break. Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday and you know what that means...

World Missions...and Things cont'd.

God has a heart for missions. His final word of command was to send His followers to every people group on the earth to share the good news of Christ. However, His followers don't seem to be nearly as excited about missions as God is. It seems that missionaries throughout the ages have been reluctant to leave the comfort of home and safety for the unknown perils of the mission field. In God's Story in History, we are told how the gospel spread through the world despite the believing community.

"Where possible God accomplished His will through the voluntary obedience and godliness of His people, but where necessary, He did His will through involuntary means." ~ Ralph Winter

In Genesis 12, God unfolds the vision for His plan for the world. From Genesis 12 to the end of the Bible, one long drama unfolds: God's plan to redeem His fallen creation through the giving of His Son. God intended the Israelites, starting with Abraham, to be a missionary people. The "blessing" He promised to Abraham was conditioned upon Abraham sharing his blessing with the nations. But the Israelites failed over and over. They refused to go willingly. So God sent them unwillingly. Time and time again, God used the Israelites' disobedience to display His power and might to the surrounding nations, whether His children were cooperative or not. This often meant sending them into captivity. Their captors saw the power of God, even when the Israelites did not.

Then Jesus appears on the scene. He was sent to His "own" but the second He reveals God's plan to share the blessing with the Gentiles, His "own" erupt in fury. The Israelites just aren't okay with serving a missional God. They failed in their job of blessing the nations, so God moves on to the next group: the Gentiles.

Unfortunately, the Gentiles don't do much better. More on that tomorrow.

On a lighter note...I am tempted to watch the season premiere of America's Next Top Model tonight. This is probably the only TV show that I have a desire to watch.

World Missions...and Things cont'd.

In Understanding God's Story, we are reminded that it is His story and not ours. One of the reasons people reject the gospel is because of the method in which it is presented to them.

"Some people reject the gospel not because they perceive it to be false, but because they perceive it to be alien." ~Stott

The basis of missions is to reveal the glory of God to the nations. When Christ delivered the Great Commission, He sent us to share the gospel with every nation. In the Greek, this is "pente ethne" which means every people group. There are an estimated 16,011 people groups in the world. Of those, 6,650 people groups have never been reached with the gospel. That represents about 2.59 billion people who don't even have the ability to hear about Christ. That seems daunting and insurmountable. But...

"God is not in a rush; He has not lost control of the world; His ultimate purposes are not being thwarted; He is still all-powerful, all-glorious, and still seeks to bring humanity back to Himself so that we might experience His glory." ~Paul Borthwick

On a lighter note...as Dovie pointed out, today is National Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Three Men and a Little Lady

Last night I cooked dinner for three men. I showed up at the house bearing a pot roast and bags of groceries. They hovered around like kids in a candy store. Then they wandered into the living room and discussed football while I started cooking.

A few minutes later, one of them came into the kitchen to be sociable for a bit. He asked me if I needed any help. I asked him if that was a serious offer or a courtesy offer. His reply seemed to indicate it was a courtesy offer, so I didn't press him into service.

A short time later, he asked if they had permission to turn on the TV while I worked on the meal. I acquiesced. They became absorbed in an episode of 24. I mashed the potatoes, sauteed the onions, steamed the green beans, thickened the gravy and baked the brownies.

I thought to myself "so this is what marriage is like."

World Missions...and Things

I am taking a Perspectives class at church. The class is designed to give people an understanding of God's work in the nations and His movement in missions. I was already familiar with many of the facts and statistics, but it is still mind-blowing to hear these truths over and over. I plan to share some of the quotes and illustrations that have most resonated with me.

The first lesson of the course starts with Understanding God's Story. Just two paragraphs into the reading, this sentence struck me.

"The degree of the church's commitment to world evangelization is commensurate with the degree of its conviction about the authority of the Bible." ~ John Stott.

If you can't say amen you'd better say ouch.

And further down, Stott says: "Individual Christians and local churches not committed to world evangelization are contradicting (either through blindness or through disobedience) an essential part of their God-given identity. The biblical mandate for world evangelization cannot be escaped."

Chew on that for a bit.

On a lighter note, I had another crazy dream. I was pushing a shopping cart through an assisted living center. I got lost in the maze of hallways and came across an old man who seemed a bit like a pirate. Then I turned a corner and found two cockroaches crawling toward me.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I thought Troy said 'you're in charge of Laurie.'"

"I have a teeny, dumb husband brain."

"I'm nobody's bubba."

"Laurie, which is more disgusting: boogers or poop?"

"I'm going to tell you a dirty joke."

"Gives a whole new meaning to 'potty mouth.'"

"You're a great cook, you serve people and you insult me. You're irreplaceable!"

O Twisted Fate

I spoke too soon. Just last night, I told Moms that the roach problem was getting better. Just this morning, I woke up and opened my eyes to see a HUGE cockroach on the wall above my bed. I thought to myself "maybe I'm dreaming again." Unfortunately, this was all too real. But in all things, God provides. Kristen was still at home and came to my rescue. She climbed up on my bed and killed the thing.

The part that scares me is the connection between my dreams and reality. Are my dreams manifesting themselves into life? If I see any homeless men today, I am running away as fast as I can.

Dreamy

I think all the medicine I've been taking is causing me to have weird dreams.

A couple nights ago, I dreamt a homeless man shot me in the leg. Anyone care to analyze that one?

Last night, I dreamt a cockroach was chasing me. It was one of those dreams where your body moves in slow motion and you can't get away. I kept trying to dodge him and he kept running straight at me. I was crying and feeling panicked. I realized the only thing I could do was kill him. I had a tissue in my hand (I do have a cold, after all) and I reached down and squashed him with it. He popped. I screamed and fainted. Then I woke up feeling clammy and scared.

I am afraid of going to sleep tonight.

Blah

I feel blah. I'm getting sick. I have a sore throat, a slight cough and a little bit of congestion. These things combine together to make me feel like whining and being generally cranky. But instead of indulging in my misery, I give you a list of "nevers."

• I have never smoked.
• I have never been to a professional football game.
• I have never been to New York.
• I have never liked lima beans.
• I have never been kissed.
• I have never gone sailing.
• I have never seen The Goonies.
• I have never wanted to go to Las Vegas.
• I have never been to Disneyworld.
• I have never watched a horror movie.
• I have never been skiiing.
• I have never broken a bone.
• I have never learned to roller skate.

Internet Romance

It all started here. It began innocently enough. One comment led to another which led to another and so on. Next thing I know, I'm involved in a blog-relationship. Our love is set to music.

I haven't even had a chance to tell my mother. She'll be so happy.

Can you tell I'm bored today?

I may have to start a video clip version of the Friday Funnies...

Friday Funnies: Bonus Edition

Oh my gosh! A friend just sent me this saying it made her think of me. Eeek.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"You just said that with 'seductive voice.'"

"We gotta keep those cellos apart. They breed."

"I'm so hot, it is sinful to go on a date with me."

"Are you two involved in a bro-mance?"

"I had a random dream last night about you and Dave. YOU GOT MARRIED."

Random. Scary.

I have the song "John Jacob Jingle-Heimer Schmidt" stuck in my head today. I don't know how it got there. I don't know how to get it out. All I know is now you have it stuck in your head too.

Rumors, Buzz, Bragging etc...

So I have a secret. Apparently my secret has caused quite a buzz. Numerous people have tried to guess the secret. One guy informed me that another guy bragged he could get the secret out of me. Not so, my friend.

None of you will ever guess this secret. It's not something that would be within the realms of anything you will think up. I won't tell ANY of you what the secret is until the two month period is up. So those of you who think you can find out the secret are wrong. Those of you who plan to ask certain well-connected friends for information will find it a useless endeavor.

I will dispel some rumors about the secret. No one is pregnant. No one is engaged. No one is about to get pregnant or engaged. No one is stealth-dating. No one has plans to stealth-date. In fact, my secret has nothing to do with male-female relationships at all.

You are all evil. There is no hope. That's it. Thank you.

Somewhat Questionable?

We all know I'm not afraid of the shady. Sometimes I even embrace it. Shocking, I know. Well apparently I have taken things too far. A friend informed me that QQ shows up as "Somewhat Questionable" on his Covenant Eyes account. So every time he hits my site, Covenant Eyes sends a report to his accountability partners, informing them that he is surfing a website with somewhat questionable content. He had to explain to said accountability partners why he's been visiting the site so frequently and why it's okay for him to do so.

Oh no she di'int!

I thought it was just another calm afternoon at Starbucks. I should have known things would go wrong. We weren't at my Starbucks...we were on foreign soil.

I had already noticed a few odd sights: those two women seem a tad bit friendly with each other; yikes! lady, rethink the dueling gingham checks; oh no, you are clearly almost 50 years old and you're wearing that!

But then it happened. The couple at the table behind us prepared to leave. They started bundling up their bouncing baby boy who was absolutely precious. My friend and I were admiring his adorableness when we noticed something alarming happening. The mom began removing the baby's garments. She then proceeded to change his diaper on the table in Starbucks! Ewwww!

My friend and I looked on in horror. I had to turn away. I couldn't watch. She finished the job. They left the store. A short time later a group of people came in and sat down at that table. The poor fools had no clue.

My friend looked at me and said "which one of us is going to blog about this?"
Both of us. Definitely.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Like a presidential whack-a-mole."

"You are probably very irritated right now. I enjoy that."

"It's because I'm Black, isn't it?"

"My desk has FLEAS!"

Me: "Because of you, I'm not getting any!"
Guy Friend: "Sleep. She's referring to sleep."

Top Secret

I have a secret. Only two other people know about it and they are also sworn to secrecy. We have had this secret for less than 24 hours and it is already killing me. We have to keep this secret for two months. I have already said too much.

For Beth

Beth is bored today. She is sad because no one has emailed her, the blog updates are few and she hasn't received any personal text messages today. So I will hereby relate my Tale of Two Text Messages. (Cue dramatic, scary music.)

Last Wednesday, I received a text message from a number I did not recognize. The message was of a shady nature. An unidentified person asked me "What is the plural of penis? My friend wants to know." Of course, I was shocked and horrified that someone would send such a disgusting text message to me (translation: I thought it was really funny, but had no clue who sent it). I did not reply to the text because I figured it was some sort of prank.

On Sunday, I received another text message from the same phone number. This time the person asked "What is your address?" and that was a little creepy. Hmmm, let me see...should I reply to Mr. Anonymous Pervert Texter with my home address? Riiight. Again, I did not respond to the message.

On Monday, the same person called me. They're calling now! Ok, I am officially creeped out. I did not answer and hoped the person would leave a voicemail. They didn't. I started to send a text message to Troy, telling him about this latest attempt to cellphone stalk me, when they called AGAIN! I was in the process of typing the text message and I accidentally hit the "accept call" button on my phone. Ooops! I was stuck. I had to answer the phone and confront this wacko and deal with whatever obscenity they were about to spew over the phone line.

"Who IS this?", I demanded into the phone.

"This is Linda Brook*" a timid, meek voice answered.

I nearly died laughing. It was a girl from church! A girl I know! A girl who is very funny and sweet and had no idea she was freaking me out with her text messages. I have now programmed her number into my phone...so the next time she sends me a text of a shady nature I won't accuse her of being a perverted stalker.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

New "Secret" Crush

I might have a new crush. Don't tell Andy. It's just that I never see him these days. Our schedules are so different. It's like we have grown apart. Sometimes these things just happen. I'm not saying I don't still love him. I'm just saying that my love for him has changed. I mean, it's really hard to make long-distance relationships work. I need more from him than the occasional smile or glance across the room. I need real commitment, not just random encounters once every month or two. He will always hold a special place in my heart, but I think I have to give my secret fantasy crush status to someone else.

I refer you back to a previous entry.

I guess even then, deep inside, I knew the truth between us. I see Matt pretty often, usually at city council meetings. He's a newspaper guy. Newspaper guy=brilliant. Yesterday he offered to share story ideas with me. This is unheard of in newsworld. Reporters just don't share leads with reporters from other organizations. It's one thing to offer a lead to a co-worker, it's a completely different thing to offer a lead to a colleague at another outlet. Anyhoo, he made the offer and I accepted. Then I got his phone number. Now I just have to wait for a slow news day so I can have an excuse to actually call him.

The days are waning

August is almost over. You know what that means: I will be able to spend money at Starbucks again! I am so excited about the thought. In the meantime, I have a new Starbucks card that a kind benefactor tucked into my purse to tide me over until September. I will go do some studying tomorrow night and use it then. It makes me giddy just thinking about it. :)

Thanks to all who so willingly gave to the cause. Amy, Mrs. Warfield, Michelle, Todd, Troy and Darrick: because of you, I was able to have six Starbucks drinks and two croissants this month. You warm my heart.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"'Come back!' said all the pale little villagers as one of their own was swept up in the dark current of people..."

"Capella Haiku:

Oh sweet Capella
keeper of Katrina ambi
Wade is so gleeful

Republicans meet
Capella is on late night scene
She is excellent"
(A colleague wrote this for my co-worker Capella. I realize it's not funny to most of you, but it made me laugh and that's what the Friday Funnies are all about.)

"I take my dating much more seriously than my football."

"Laurie, have you ever been so drunk that the room was spinning?"
(A co-worker asked me this. I'm not sure he believed me when I said "no.")

"People I hate: A 427-Part Series"

"You and Ross should write a book together...'A Day in the Life of Shady People.'"

"All metaphors should be cold and delicious."

"Let me know if you want help picking out your first-date outfit."

"I dreamed about your blog last night. I was reading the Friday Funnies and, well, they just weren't funny."

Unfinished Business

A random list of bloggable items. I probably won't get around to blogging about any of these things.

• I had Starbucks on Tuesday. Thanks, Michelle!
• Katie and I got "shushed" at La Madeleine this morning. Apparently we were laughing too loud for the man at the next table who was talking on his cell phone.
• Yesterday I was at a restaurant when a man told me I am beautiful and he'll always remember my eyes.
• I miss Jessica and wish more of you knew her.
• I can cry more tears than I ever thought possible. Sometimes they won't stop coming.
• Sometimes I just need to be held. Sometimes there is someone there to hold me. Usually there isn't.
• I received my first dirty text message.
• I have believed a lie and I don't know how to unbelieve it. It's one of my deepest wounds.
• Two live cockroaches on Monday. One in the kitchen drawer.
• Ice cream makes me happy.
• I've journaled more this week than I have all year. Seriously.
• I need to meet Moms.

The Office

Our HR administrator sent out an email yesterday. The subject line is "Training Opportunity: Rape and Aggression."

I don't want to be trained in how to do these things.

And the days are not full enough

And the days are not full enough
And the nights are not full enough
And life slips by like a field mouse
Not shaking the grass

~Ezra Pound

Every good and perfect gift...

Sometimes blessings come in unexpected ways from unexpected sources.

On Saturday, I joined with several girls from my Sunday School class for a prayer breakfast. Amy's mom, Linda, came and shared a bit of her testimony. She was great -- very warm and engaging. In addition to sharing her testimony, she also shared goodie bags! Each package had an assortment of odds and ends: gum, pencil, chocolate etc... But the BEST part was the Starbucks gift card tucked inside! That's right! Without even knowing it, she blessed me with the one thing I was desperate for!

I am treasuring up my little Starbucks card. I plan to use it on Saturday. I have promised not to schedule anything on Saturday and have written the words "DO NOTHING" in my planner. Part of my "do nothing" day will include a delightful trip to my beloved Starbucks. I'm counting the hours until we can be together again.

As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love -- a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

~C.S. Lewis

The Office

Our elevator is really slow. So slow, it would appear someone requires a chair while waiting.

Friday Funnies

"Do you have any water? Because if you do, we'll stand here and pour it all over our bodies."

"In transexual relationships it can be hard to maintain plutonicity."
translation: in cross-gender friendships it can be hard to maintain platonic boundaries.

"I'm looking forward to meeting Laverne and Shirley."

"He staggers around like a drunk pirate."

Wardrobe Malfunction

This entry should probably fall under the "too much information" category. But I am past caring, at this point. Incidentally, I was accused of sharing TMI last night on the phone with a guy friend. Sorry Friend! You're about to get a double dose!

This morning I was planning my wardrobe for the day. I have one of those crazy days where it started out with an early breakfast meeting, then off to work after which I'm having dinner with a friend, then meeting up with another group of friends at another restaurant, then heading off to go dancing. Whew. So I knew I needed to wear something that would be appropriate for work, but still be fun and cute for a night out because I will have no time to go home and change.

I headed out the door feeling pretty good about my selection. V-neck shirt with jeans and heels and, because I am a Good Baptist Girl, a tank top under the shirt to keep anything questionable from showing. Yes, well, good intentions are better than nothing, right? As the day has progressed, said tank top keeps sliding lower and lower and lower. Like, really low. As in, "Hi, my name is Laurie and please also meet Laverne and Shirley who are making a public appearance today."

I can't decide which is better: do I keep tugging the darn thing up every five minutes or just embrace the situation and work it?

Flirting Baristas

Random thought: shouldn't a male "barista" actually be a "baristo"?

As previously mentioned, my Date from Last Night took me to Starbucks yesterday. Keep in mind that I had not been there in more than a week. Wow...eight days even. So my Date from Last Night and I walked up to the counter to place our order. When the barista saw me he exclaimed "Hey! It's been a while since I've seen you around here!" I had to explain to him that I am on Starbucks hiatus and that my absence wasn't the result of any personal animosity or lack of interest. I couldn't decide whether the fact that he missed me was funny or sad. But it drove the point home...my love affair with Starbucks runs deeper than even I realized.

My Love Story

I had a date tonight. Yes, it's true. I don't want to go overboard and start gushing all over this blog...but it was pretty magical. The date was with someone I've known for some time, but tonight was different. There was a spark in the air, like the feeling in the atmosphere just before a storm. I savored the moment, knowing I wouldn't have another like it for a long time. I had to treasure it up because there won't be a second date...at least not for a while. I have told my sweet Starbucks we must part ways for a time. We came together tonight and it was like I had never breathed before that moment. But it couldn't last. I had to leave and I won't return...

Taking My Vows

Last night I had dinner with all seven sides of Shanna. At least, I think all seven sides of her were there...I'll have to check and make sure. Anyway, the very young high-school hostess who seated us kept giving me odd glances and staring at me. As I sat down, she said "you look just like my chemistry teacher!" I laughed and said chemistry would be the last thing you would ever find me teaching. Throughout the evening, high-school hostess would pass by our table and stare at me. One time she walked by and said "Hi again. Is this your first time to eat here? I've never seen you here before." A few minutes later she referred to herself as "teacher's pet." When we left, she called after me "Goodbye, Teacher!" The funniest part is she attends a Catholic school. So I not only look like her chemistry teacher...I look like her chemistry teacher who happens to be a nun!

Call me Sister Laurie Elizabeth

Get Real

Some of you might be wondering about the poem I posted last night. Others have noticed and pointed out that I have been posting lots of poetry lately. One friend observed yesterday that he wasn't sure what to think about that or what it meant. Well, I am here to enlighten you. I think my blog is going through growing pains. Which really means I am going through growing pains. My blog has served as an outlet for my silly stories, off-beat humor and shady anecdotes. But I feel like it has been very one-dimensional. People who read my blog and don't know me personally will get a very skewed idea of who I am. I fear even the people who do know me may be misled by what they read here. The reality is...

I am not always happy.
I laugh a lot, but I don't always enjoy life.
I am easygoing, but I carry many deep hurts.
I put on a brave face, but I am scared.

In other words, I am just like every other person on the planet. I want my blog to reflect more of the complete me. So, from time to time, I will post things that reflect the way I am feeling. I may share a little bit more about my personal journey. I might make myself vulnerable. And I will still laugh and tell funny stories and relate the shady comments that get made to me each week. Have no fear! You will still be able to come to this blog and find something amusing to entertain you. But you might also find out a little more about me. I hope you'll like what you see, because it's just me trying to get real with you.

To ___

See me standing here?
I hope I look tough
to you. Tough and strong
and unafraid and
maybe defiant as well.
Maybe you look at me
and you are scared. I
hope so. I hope my
defiance convinces you
to never hurt me again.
Not that I will let you. You
aren't allowed in any more.
At the center
there is a heart dripping blood
telling you how much you're hurting me.
But it's lying. I won't let you
Hurt me.

~Laurie Johnson

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"In the name of Laurie Johnson, DIE!"

"Why do so many marriages fail? I mean, I know there's porn and stuff..."

"Where's Keira Knightley?" "Probably throwing up in a toilet somewhere."

"Improve your marriage in less than 24 hours!"

"I know what you're thinking...and this is not a booty call."

Advice to a Girl

No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed;
Lay that on your heart,
My young angry dear;
This truth, this hard precious stone,
Lay it on your hot cheek,
Let it hide your tear.
Hold it like a crystal
When you are alone
And gaze in the depths of the icy stone.
Long, look long and you will be blessed:
No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed.

~Sara Teasdale

The Big Time

My story made it onto the network this morning! Woo hoo! You can listen to it here.

Risk

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom.

~Anais Nin

Exclamation Points

I paid off my car this week!

I'm working on a pretty big national story which will air on the network tomorrow!

I get to have Starbucks tonight!

The Astros won last night!

You Who Never Arrived

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of
the next moment. All the immense
images in me -- the far-off, deeply-felt
landscape, cities, towers, and bridges, and
unsuspected turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods--
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house--, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,--
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence, and
started, gave back my too-sudden image.
Who knows? Perhaps the same
bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening...

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Coffee Lovin'

Apparently blog desperation works. Within 24 hours of posting my intention of going on Starbucks hiatus I have had three offers from people who want to purchase the liquid gold for me. I have now have a coffee "date" set up for this week and a second one scheduled for next week. I am trying to space them out so I don't get my Starbucks fix all at once. I am currently accepting applications from people who want to take me to Starbucks between August 17th and August 31st. I also have an opening tonight. I'm just sayin'...

Tremens

After receiving lots of flack from a certain friend about my Starbucks expenditures (note the June tally in the left column), I have sworn off Starbucks for the month of August. I determined I will not make any purchases at said coffee shop for an entire month. I will be $42.04 richer by September 1st. The only way I will get any Starbucks in me, is if you buy it for me. I am now accepting donations in the form of gift cards, cash, checks and blood platelets. This would also be an excellent opportunity for some of you guys to ask me out. All you have to say is "Laurie, I'm really interested in spending some time with you. Are you available to go to Starbucks this Friday?" I guarantee I will say yes...as long as you're buying...and as long as it's August.

The Sweetest Kind of Night

I admit, I love to lie by someone as they fall asleep,
to hear their cautious breath turn to an unrestrained rhythm,
like a perfect prayer, to hear their chest exhale and swell
like a silent promise of life, to listen so intently to their heartbeat,
pulsing, like an ancient lullaby, and then slowly,
to realize your heart is beating as well, cautiously at first,
but later breaking, into a coaxing surge,
much like the hushed flapping of a giant bird's wings,
yet as calm as the sun in August.

~Erin Agee

Friday Funnies

"How cute! You're taller sitting down than you are standing up!" ~ A comment from someone who noticed I am shorter when standing than when sitting on an elevated barstool.

"If you live with your parents, you won't be using those 'curtains' very often." ~ Curtains = lingerie

"New Potatoes!" ~ You had to be there.

"Quick! Tell her she's pretty!" ~ One guy telling another guy what to do after second guy offended me.

"Give him a womb for his children." ~ No explanation forthcoming.

Reason # 58 Why I Love My Job

I had to cover a cadet firefighter training procedure today. My job was to follow the team as they ran through a rescue drill. These are the sacrifices I make for you, the public. Someone has to disseminate the news and that someone is I. You can thank me the next time you see me.

We Wear the Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes --
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

~Paul Laurence Dunbar

Aedh Wishes for the Clothes of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread upon my dreams.

~W.B. Yeats

Get Excited

Cakewalk 2006 is practically around the corner! Check here for frequent updates, baking tips and maybe even some of Laurie's top secret recipes!

Apologies

I didn't blog yesterday. You have probably figured that out. I'm sorry. I have nothing to say for myself. I won't even offer any excuses. I will simply face what I have done, express remorse and attempt to move on and regain your trust. I can only hope this hasn't damaged our relationship.

While you are working on forgiving me for my fall, I will share some random things about myself that you may not know about me.

• I don't like American cheese.
• I was scared of Mr. Snuffleupagus.
• My hair used to be so long that I could sit on it.
• When I was 12, my baking won the blue ribbon at the county fair.
• I never went to school until I started college.
• I don't have a favorite flower.
• I have been on one blind date.
• I know how to make quilts.
• I don't like the beach very much.
• I love forests.
• I had two pet ducks named Howard and Fluffy.
• I hate dusting.
• I like Pepsi better than Coke.
• I don't like Dr. Pepper.
• I can't roller skate.
• My favorite book is Bleak House.
• I hate the sound of squeaking windshield wipers.
• I hate being late.
• I love the smell of rain.
• I have never gotten a speeding ticket.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week (and last week):

Husband and wife speaking simultaneously to me:
Husband~ "You'd like her. Y'all are a lot alike."
Wife~ "She's really dirty."

"Here, have a lemon. It'll help you pucker."

One dude talking to another dude:
"If you were a woman, I'd marry you."

"Would you like to donate a dollar to the trans-gender community?"

"Happy Jesus Music"

"Laurie, I promise he was NOT naked in my bedroom!"

"You're on Laurie's blog. It's like being on Oprah."

"It sucks being a sex object, but it's a price I'm willing to pay."

"I am watching Bob Ross do his "happy little strokes." Can you ever imagine him being angry? He is Clay Collum."

When you think it can't get any worse

People amaze me.

Happy Little...

My friend Beth's new blog brought back Happy Little Memories of Bob Ross. I LOVED him! If you don't remember Bob Ross and his Joy of Painting series you are either a behbeh or you were too cool for PBS. Either way, you missed out. But thanks to the wonders of modern technology, you can relive the past and experience the Joy of Bob Ross in all his afro-hair glory.

Random Observations (although not a list of 18)

• Saw Hot BMW Owner again today. We chatted for a bit. He asked me how my conference in L.A. went. We talked about work. Guess what he does...he started a hedge fund last year and does his own trading. He has amazing eye lashes. Darrick, you've got competition for the Best Male Lashes of the Year award.
• I'm not nearly as nice as I seem. I am impatient, arrogant, supercilious and I probably think I am better than you. It's not pretty.
• Singles jump to conclusions way too easily. Despite appearances, things aren't always what they seem.
• The things that most intimidate me are usually the things I need to welcome into my life. I have a challenge ahead of me that I am going to tackle, but it scares me. If you want to know more, ask me after Sunday.
• I've been listening to too much sappy music lately. It's making me sad. Must stop playing Izzy's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Also must remove the "Sad Songs" playlist from my ipod.
• Starbucks cup quote of the day "Food is the great equalizer...Remember, you can always love people through food." I often show my love to people by cooking for them. If I have ever cooked you dinner or made something because you said you liked it, I was showing you how much I love you.
• Bongo-boy is back with a vengeance. He's been playing a variety of songs every night and sometimes in the morning. *Clenching teeth.*
• Several of you will be disappointed because this blog entry isn't funny enough. Sorry. See the sappy songs entry above. Feeling more sad than funny right now. Hopefully the funny will be back tomorrow.

There's No Place Like Home

For my 2.7 readers who were worried about the absence of the Friday Funnies last week: have no fear! The Friday Funnies are still around. I was unable to post them because I was at a conference in Los Angeles. Said trip gave me plenty of material for this entry. I don't like L.A. I have visited there before and this second trip confirmed that it is just not the city for me. I have no desire to ever go there again. But L.A. is good for stories, so here are a few of the things that happened while I was in La La Land.

Things I saw:
A 6'5" transvestite in a mini-dress
An attractive, well-dressed 30-something African-American man with a mohawk
A 50-something woman with the word "vagina" on her t-shirt


Things that happened within a 50 mile radius of me:
Hundreds of lightening strikes
One mudslide
One earthquake
One day of 112 degree temperatures

People staying in my hotel:
A Master Spiritualist and his conferees
All of the Miss Universe contestants

Number of live roaches I saw outside my house the moment I got home:
Two
Ahhh. Welcome home.

How Poetic

I am beside myself. Seriously, it's like I'm sitting next to me right now. How can this be possible, you ask? Well, all sorts of wonderful and magical things happen once you have become the subject of an ode.

Ok, so I just re-read the ode and I guess maybe I'm not technically the subject of the ode after all. But I think we can safely say I did inspire the ode.

Hmmm, just read it again. I guess I didn't really inspire the ode either. But the brownie I baked...that baby got this whole ode thing off the ground.

So maybe it wasn't my brownie that started the ode trend. Looking back, it might have actually been something more like a blueberry.

But there is no denying I am named in the ode and my brownie is praised. I think I am even referenced as the best baker...errr, no...never mind.

Good Times

This week I realized that the most random things make me happy. I'm not talking about the joy of life. This isn't a spiritual post about the meaning of the universe etc etc etc... I'm just talking the little things that happen on any given day that make smile, feel good or revel in the moment. Here are some of the things I have delighted in this week.

My dear friends Dustin and Megan called me on Sunday to invite me to join them for last-minute dinner plans. I was so excited I found myself skipping around my house and bouncing up the stairs.

Coffee has made me very, very happy this week. Just holding the mug makes me feel better.

Yesterday I opened the fridge and realized I still had some fresh cherries from my last trip to the grocery store. Cherries are my favorite fruit.

Simultaneous to the cherry moment, I had a basil moment. Jeanine's basil plant went crazy and all "woo hoo" last week and produced an abundance of basil. She shared. I incorporated the herb into the meal I was cooking.

Speaking of the meal, it made me happy too. It was an experiment. No recipe. Just a bunch of random things like basil and tomatoes and red pepper flakes and presto! I had a meal. I have to admit, it was really good.

A new friend paid me the highest compliment I have ever received. I was truly touched and it made me immensely happy.

And finally, when I just ran spellcheck on this entry the program suggested I change "woo hoo" to "woo ho."

*Updated*
Reggie Aqui makes me happy for a whole host of reasons. O Reggie of the sweater vest and puffy jacket, your live shots bring joy to my otherwise mundane existence.

PMS

Someone sent me this email and it made me laugh.

There are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide to help the guys navigate those hazardous times.

Dangerous: What's for dinner?
Safer: Can I help you with dinner?
Safest: Where would you like to go for dinner?
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

Dangerous: Are you wearing that?
Safer: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
Safest: Wow! Look at you!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

Dangerous: What are you so worked up about?
Safer: Could we be overreacting?
Safest: Here's my paycheck.
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

Dangerous: Should you be eating that?
Safer: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Safest: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

Dangerous: What did you DO all day?
Safer: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
Safest: I've always loved you in that robe!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some more chocolate.

Rebuttal

Dear Todd,

Being 30 and single is not a bad thing. But your list of reasons for being glad you're single is all wrong. Please review my rebuttal and take notes.

1. You never have to share the covers, but you also never get to share your bed.
2. You already put the toilet seat down. This is not a valid reason because no woman will ever have to make you do what you already do.
3. If you've ever had to wonder whether that particular pair of underwear is clean or dirty, then this method does not work as well as you think it does.
4. See #1
5. Ummm, ewwww.
6. The leftovers from home-cooked meals make very nice lunches.
7. Order something she doesn't like.
8. This one is tricky. The best I can come up with is: back row, lights out, who cares what's on the screen, an extra ticket is a small price to pay...
9. Great, so you're just going to bottle it up inside and let it consume you from within.
10. Less family = Less presents
11. Watch something she does like.
12. Some of us don't like chick flicks...give us some credit.
13. Being married means you can act like you're hanging out with the guys even when you're with your wife. Just ask Dustin.
14. Hanging out with females vs. getting some action from your hot wife...hmm, tough one.
15. Just remember: When you decide not to shave your face, she might decide not to shave her legs.
16. How is this a difficult question? There is clearly only one answer and that is: "Of course not, honey. You're hot!"
17. Or you can notice the new haircut and get MAJOR points.
18. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone else to blame?
19. And no one to spend it on...
20. All alone.
21. Think of weddings as a means to an end. They get us in the mood for luv.
22. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. You do want to be a man of God, don't you?
23. See #2.
24. Talking in your sleep would actually be kinda cute.
25. Better-Dealer
26. You also never, EVER get to purchase lingerie. Think about it.
27. BOR-ING. And not true. You still feel the repercussions from your girl friends.
28. "Fun single events" like...eating out and seeing movies and watching the playoffs...? Yeah, you're right. You can't do those things as a couple. No way.
29. Wow. It makes me sad that you list sleeping on the floor as one of the pluses of being single.
30. Well, this whole rebuttal blew that theory out of the water.

*********
Nota Bene:
Don't freak out, people. I got permission to write a rebuttal to Todd's list. Isn't that submissive of me? ;)

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I bet they weren't getting massages."

"I am trying to come up with a Top 30 Reasons I am glad I am Single...but I can't get past 3."

"Adam and Eve realized they were buck naked."

"I think we all just witnessed a mass DTR."

"God, you know I can be a real jackass sometimes."

Under-Achiever

I just got back from my assignment. I was interviewing the sponsors and participants of a science camp for inner city youth. I now feel stupid. Seriously, these 13-year-old students are smarter than I will ever be. I wish you all could have been there for the interviews. There I am, surrounded by engineers and astronauts who are demonstrating scientific and mathematical formulas. I am talking to this scrawy kid with glasses who looks an awful lot like Urkel and he's telling me about the robots they've been building this week. He's going on and on about how great it's been to participate in biology, math and physics classes all week and how he is so excited about one day becoming an aerospace engineer. He's 13, people!

Hello, Hello

The other night I was involved in a minor car accident. I scratched a car as I was pulling alongside of it while parallel parking. It was totally my fault. The owner wasn't around, so I left a note on the car. Did I mention it was a BMW? Dang it!

The owner has since called me back and we met. Can I just say...he is HOTT!!! And sooo nice! He's not even really that worried about the damage and told me not to stress about it. He's friends with my next-door neighbor and told me the next time I see his car parked out front, I should drop by and say hello. To which I say "Hello, Hello." ;)

The Break-up

I have a problem. I have two days to figure out how to break-up my roommate and her boyfriend. Dave is taking Dinah to see The Lion King on Thursday night. Several weeks ago, Dave made a deal with me that if he and Dinah were to break up for any reason, he would take me with him to see the show. Ever since then, I have been praying hard for the demise of their relationship. They are still going strong and my chances of getting that free ticket are rapidly evaporating. Anyone have any good ideas on how I could facilitate a break-up within 48 hours?

I'm losing my funny

It's happening. I've been trying to fight it. I've been trying to avoid it. I keep telling myself it just can't be. But I can't run from the truth any longer. I'm not as funny as I used to be. I don't know when the downward spiral started. I suspect it may directly correlate to the number of roaches in my life. My funny meter was still full when I moved into the hellhole. It seems to have steadily dwindled since then. (Random observation: I like the word "dwindled.") I collect funny people around me, which makes me seem funny. But I have a sinking feeling that I'm not as funny as people think I am. I fear my funniness is all a ruse. I'm just a foil for the funniness of others. Even the "Friday Funnies" are quotes that other people said; none of them come from me. If the trend continues, there is great potential that I could become downright boring and un-in-ter-est-ing. Blech.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"It's a good thing we have our umbrellas." ~ said by man and teenage son walking in rain carrying tiny drink umbrellas.

"Will you marry me? We can register at Pottery Barn." ~ my second marriage proposal from a girl.

"Dude, your car is getting more action than we are! It's copping a feel!" ~ said by two guys after learning the car seat belt was uncomfortably squishing a certain female body part.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good: I am on vacation all week and am taking a road trip to visit my dear friend Katy in Oklahoma.

The Bad: I probably won't be blogging much this week and you will all have to find something else to amuse you at work each day.

The Ugly: There are seven dead roaches in my house right now.

Friday Funnies

I don't have much for this version of the Friday Funnies. To be honest, it wasn't a very funny week. The few things I do have all came from the same person. So here are the...

Things that made me laugh this week:

"The inside of your purse is cavernous."

"I should be bottling my own 'essence' and selling it. I'd make a killing!"

"If you really want me to get a mini, you could give up 2.5 Starbucks drinks a month and subsidize the extra cost."

"Kirkie-pooh and Kirkalicious are perhaps appropriate for certain business dealings, but not the kind that I am pursuing here."

Circle of Friends: Part Four

Before I start waxing eloquent about my friends, please note the Starbucks tally is updated. Today is the first day of my vacation, so this morning I walked over to Starbucks and enjoyed the "usual" and a piece of banana bread. It was $6.17 worth of relaxation and peaceful time with God. What a lovely start to my holiday.

Okay, enough about me, let's talk about Troy.

When I think of Troy, I think of two scriptures: "...aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands...so that you may live properly before outsiders..." and "do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others" (1 Thes 4:11-12 and Phil 2:3-4). Troy exemplifies these verses. He truly strives to live quietly, drawing little attention to his own merits and service, but living in such a way that outsiders notice the difference in his life. I have actually heard one of his co-workers say they could never imagine Troy saying or doing anything unkind. Troy has a true servant's heart. If I were to list off all the ways he has served me and given selflessly of himself, this would end up being my longest blog entry ever. Just yesterday, he humbled himself and served me when I was acting like a total brat.

Which is another reason why I appreciate him. Troy is my friend who still likes me when I am being totally and completely myself. Which means I am probably being childish and selfish and more than a little annoying. Troy definitely sees more of the ugly side of me than I show to most people. He's seen the ugliness and hasn't run away or abandoned our friendship. Instead, he quietly sees me through those times and patiently encourages and instructs me to grow in God's grace. He's not afraid to call me out, but usually he doesn't even have to because I am convicted simply by watching how he lives.

Troy is also stinkin' hilarious. He never ceases to surprise me. Every time I think I have him figured out, he throws me a curve ball. He is a man of contradictions. He is one of the most methodical, analytical people I know. But he still manages to be completely random and unpredictable. I love being around him because I never know what will happen next. We could be having a deep, theological discussion and next thing I know, we're talking about how a verse in Isaiah reminds him of Jack Black! Who thinks of these things?! Better than just about anyone else, Troy knows how to push my buttons. And he takes advantage of that frequently. He takes an evil delight in getting me riled up. I pretend to be mad about that, but anyone who knows me knows that I secretly like it. Which is probably why we get along so well. Like peas and carrots.

Troy, you are always teaching me what it means to be a true friend. Your friendship is invaluable to me.

Circle of Friends: Part Three

I almost didn't make it with my blog entry today. Too many things happening all in one day. But I managed to pull it off after all and I am here to tell you about my wonderful friend Laurie Lau.

Laurie Lau is my long-lost twin sister. She is Chinese and I am cajun and we share the same name, so we were clearly separated at birth (it makes sense in our minds). Laurie is the one person that I am most likely to spend time both laughing and crying with (sometimes simultaneously). We get together and act completely silly and random but it never fails that our conversations go deep and we get down to the raw things in our hearts.

Laurie is the most spiritually fervent person I know. Her passion to know Christ and share Him with others permeates her entire being. She is amazing. I often say I think she is the single most incredible person in Summit. All of her goals are centered around being used by and for Christ.

Laurie's heart for missions is what gave me a passion for other countries. When we first started hanging out, I was content to stay right here and let others go to the tough places. But her testimony, exhortation and prayers helped birth in me a desire to serve the nations. Laurie's passion for world missions is so strong that she actually feels oppressed in her spirit if she stays in the U.S. for too long. She's already been to Cuba this year and has plans to go to China and Sudan before the year is over. That's just the kind of person she is.

In addition to being the most zealous Christian I know, Laurie is also my soul sistah. She is a completely American, Chinese girl who thinks she is a black woman. And I can relate to that. I'm Hot, she's Mama, together we're one Hot Mama. Because we're long-lost twin sisters and we look so much alike, people are always getting us mixed up. Those are the kinds of jokes we make and laugh for hours about.

Laurie, your example is a constant source of inspiration to me. I want to be more like you because I know that being like you means being more like Christ. Thank you for loving me.

Circle of Friends: Part Two

Today's friend of note is Todd. I have had the privilege to be Todd's friend for about three years now. I am about to embarrass him publicly on my blog. Tee-hee-hee.

When I first met Todd, I had the biggest crush on him! He was just so cute with his spiky hair and glasses and dimples and his laugh that fills up the space around him. It was a dark day when I discovered that someone told him about my crush! A lesser man would have gotten all awkward and weird and dropped the friendship. But Todd is a man of integrity who values honesty and openness above comfort and ease. He made it a point to make sure my heart was well-protected, while simultaneously maintaining a lasting friendship. My crush turned into deep respect for him as a man and a friend. His desire to be transparent and honest with people is one of my favorite things about him.

Todd longs to know God more deeply and intimately. He is so honest about his walk with the Lord and the ways in which he desires to grow. He's also honest about his failures and struggles. He encourages me through his trials and joys because he's real about what God is doing in his life. Todd is one of those people who makes me want to be more transparent. I so frequently put up walls and keep certain parts of my life off-limits from others. Without even knowing it, Todd challenges me to change those parts of me and allow my brothers and sisters to see inside to the "real" Laurie.

For some crazy reason, Todd thinks I am cool. It's always good to have a person in your life who knows how stupid and silly you can be and still thinks you're one of the cool people. I am not cool. He persists in thinking I am. This has the effect of making me actually feel cool. Which is nice. (Insert inside joke here).

Plus, Todd is just plain fun. I smile just being around him. Right now, as I'm typing, I'm smiling just thinking of him. We share the same wicked sense of humor. This can be good...and it can be bad. ;) Many a sketchy joke has passed between us. Good times. I heart Todd.

Toddy, you're the best. And I'm not just saying that!

Circle of Friends: Part One

I had grand plans this week to post a series of favorite romantic songs. But I'm not in the mood. Pun intended. Instead, I will blog about four important friendships and how these people bless and encourage me. Today, I give you Shanna.

Shanna is one of my favorite people to be around. Have you ever heard her laugh? It's this great combination of joy and badness. :) She's predictably unpredictable. She's always surprising me with something she says or does. Yet, it's not a surprise because that's just Shanna. I love hearing her pray. Only Shanna can get away with saying "Dear God, You ROCK!"

She makes fun of me when I get puffed up. She encourages me when I am down. She loves the good AND the bad things about me. Shanna is the kind of person that always makes me feel loved and special. When I spend time with her, I leave feeling encouraged and cared for. She always makes it a point to ask me how I am doing...and she really wants to know the answer.

She remembers everything. She remembers when I had a bad day two weeks ago and follows up on how things are going. She remembers prayer requests that I share with her and she prays for me and asks me for updates. She notices things that I don't even tell her about. She can look at my face and instantly know whether I am happy, sad, frustrated or tired. She sends me random text messages and notes, telling me she's thinking about me and she loves me. She always wants the best for me and believes the best about me.

Shanna, you are a wonderful friend and a blessing to me. I love you.

Update: Two Topics

One: The starbucks tally is updated. Yesterday afternoon, I purchased a grande, peppermint mocha frappuccino at a cost of $4.64.

Two: I am informed by one of the previously mentioned intelligent, well-educated men that he knew all of the information, but was so delighted by my reaction to the others' ignorance that he decided to play along. I am also informed that he was in no way disappointed by the ensuing conversation.

Flabbergasted

Yesterday I had a conversation with four intelligent, well-educated men. In the course of that conversation, it became clear that not one of them knew the most basic elements of how the female reproductive cycle works. Seriously???!!! One of the men was even under the impression that a woman "generates" a new egg every month. Like "poof! there's an egg." I found myself explaining the scientific process of the menstrual cycle to four grown men who all happen to be good friends of mine. I never, ever, ever thought I would ever, ever, ever be called upon to do something like that.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Mark this day. At 8:53pm on Monday, June 19th, I reminded you of something you have to do this week!"

"I'm looking for my IBM -- Ideal Black Man"

"Don't you think it's weird for a grown man to have a pet frog?"

"I'm calling to tell you about a kinky bumper sticker I just saw"

"I may be all man on the outside, but on the inside beats the gentle heart of a woman...with a beard"

"Why don't we just go get naked?!"

*********
Starbucks tally is updated: the "usual" PLUS a piece of coffee cake -- $6.17.

Great Memories

Last Saturday, I spent a long, rainy morning with two sweet friends. We drank coffee, laughed, prayed, told secrets and shared special memories that are precious to us. I was reminded of one of my fondest childhood memories and want to share it with all of you.

I am the oldest grandchild in my family and also the only girl. This means I am a princess. :)
My family adores me and I have a suspicion that I was quite spoiled when I was little. Explains a lot, doesn't it? Everyone in my family paid attention to me, but it was my relationship with my pawpaw that is really special to me.

My pawpaw is not a very affectionate man. He doesn't know how to communicate well and he has a very hard time expressing love to people. He isn't very good at interpersonal relationships and he doesn't know how to hug or pat or be physically affectionate. But growing up, I always knew how much he loved me because of the special trips he would take me on.

My pawpaw and I have been to England, France, Switzerland, Germany, Australia and many other places together. We never left his backyard, but we traveled all over the world. He had this big porch swing in his back yard, set underneath his willow tree. We would sit on that swing and he would push it back as far as he could and then he would tell me to buckle in and get ready because our flight was about to take off. He would lift his feet and the "plane" would soar into the air and our journey would begin. As we were flying through the willow leaves, he would describe the scene down below. He would tell me all about the countries we were flying over. We visited many exotic places and had hundreds of adventures.

Sometimes we would take domestic trips by "rail" instead. He would shout "All Aboard" and I would jump on the train and we'd take a trip through the countryside. We saw everything and we never got tired of traveling. We always took a box of Nilla wafers along for sustenance.

Looking back on that, I laugh because I realize that my pawpaw really just wanted to spend time in his beautiful garden, half snoozing on his swing. But he turned those lazy, summer evenings into magical moments for his little garden fairy. He gave me his time, his imagination and his love.

Some day soon, the Heavenly Father is going to shout down and say "All Aboard" and my pawpaw will jump on that train and take the trip of a lifetime. I'll be left standing under the willow tree, looking at an empty swing. But before that happens, I think we have a last-minute flight to Italy scheduled. He'll bring the Nilla wafers.

The Nightmare Spreads

Last night my phone rang at about 9:30. It was my friend Beth, who told me she was about to cry and she was calling me because I was the first person she thought of that could relate to her distress. I have asked her to guest-blog her experiences for the rest of you. Here is an account of what she told me last night.

~L
*********
I am not an unclean person. I regularly clean my sink. And I have roaches invading my apartment. Every time it rains, they find their way in. I should probably just install a tiny swinging door for them.

Last night, I had the worst roach attack ever. I was entering my bathroom when I was abruptly stopped by the scene which was before me. My precious purple Oral-B toothbrush was being grotesquely fondled by a three-inch roach (not including length of the swirling antennae). At that point, I kind of blanked out. For the next hour or so, I was in a fog (and not just because of Raid). When I got back my strength, I picked up my Dr. Scholl's wooden sandal and smacked that baby down yelling, "You deserve to die!"

Somehow I made it to CVS and purchased a new toothbrush and a protective tube to cover it up. It didn't say "roach protector" on the label of the tube, but I think it will do the job. And right now, while I'm at work, my apartment is getting fogged by Raid. I might have to sleep with a gas mask on, but it's worth it.

Newsroom Humor

Perry signs "Rain Cut" bill
by David Benzion 06/20/2006 12:07 am


Acting quickly in response to widespread flooding across the Greater Houston area, Texas Gov. Rick Perry has signed emergency legislation to reduce rain by about one-third over the next three days, and provide a number of other weather-related changes, including a one-time, 2,000-percent, Super-Dee-Duper increase in dryness.

"This is a rain cut Texans can take to the bank," Perry said during a signing ceremony early Tuesday morning at TransStar central command.
"Letme be completely clear: for the next three days, one out of every three raindrops that would have fallen on Houston won't, and the ones that do will dry 2,000-percent faster. That's something Super-Dee-Duper, and I'm pretty darn proud of it. How 'bout you?"

The reductions in local rainfall will primarily be recouped through a new state business flood, which will target all corporations and limited liability partnerships, many of which had previously succeeded in remaining dry.

Even before the rain cut bill was signed, however, debate was sparked over how significant the precipitation reductions will be.

Perry, in television and radio commercials that began airing this morning, is claiming that the "average" Houstonian will avoid 2 million rain drops over the next three days.

But Comptroller Carole Keeton Strayhorn and other critics say that degree of dryness is much more than most Houstonians will realize. Strayhorn, who is seeking to unseat Perry as an independent challenger, has said precipitation reductions will average a modest trickle, perhaps a puddle or two during that period.

Surveying the damage to Houston via a barroom television in downtown Austin, independent candidate Kinky Friedman assured fellow drinkers that while he could do nothing to actually stop the rain, as Governor he would be willing to stand atop the Astrodome and implore the God of Israel to part the waters flooding the 610-Loop, just like Charlton Heston in "The 10 Commandments."

Meanwhile, Republican nominee and presumptive State District 7 Senator Dan Patrick took to the airwaves late Monday and called for the immediate construction of a regional "horizontal wall" manned by 10,000 umbrella-wielding National Guard troops, to protect the city from, as he put it, "the unrelenting invasion of undocumented water that is crossing the borders of our roadways."

Shorthand

Yesterday it was pointed out to me that most people (except James) don't know what things like "wx" mean. I use several abbreviations and acronyms as part of my radio "lingo" and sometimes they find their way into my regular conversation. So I thought I'd write up a list of the most common shorthand words in my business and see if they make sense to anyone. I'll put them in context.

Record severe wx update.

TX XGR approves funding.

Gather 15 min SOT.

TRT is 1:15.

MOS interviews needed.

Please use NATS in report.

SCOTUS decision is in.

Definitely a Starbucks kind of day

the "usual" $4.06.

Hurry up...and hurry up

I'm no longer bored. Now I am stressed. My back and shoulders are hurting because that's where I carry my tension. My noon presser with the judge and mayor triggered a whole pile of memories from covering Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. I think I've blogged about this before. Journalists are a little bit like doctors. We look at the job that needs to be done and push down the emotions that go along with it. I don't have time to freak out over the shuttle falling out of the sky. I have to cover the debris field and attend press updates and get the facts out to the public. But six or eight months later, something will happen to trigger those emotions and I have to deal with them. It seems today's flooding and emergency responses are the trigger for the stuff I didn't deal with during Katrina and Rita. Just seeing the mayor and judge standing there, briefing the community on the emergency, was enough to bring it all back.