All's Fair in Love and War

This lovely little number was a special gift to me from a friend. He calls it our love-fern. I call it grounds for termination.

It all started back in December of 2006.

There was a white elephant gift exchange and someone ended up receiving an ugly, yellow, ceramic cornucopia.

Somehow the cornucopia ended up in my gift bag and went home with me.

I could have just thrown it away. But instead I decided to exact revenge on the man who forced his cornucopia on me.

I waited a few months and then with the help of an accomplice, we struck. We hid the yellow object of offense deep within the cavity of the under-stairs closet in his house.

Fast forward about three or four months. I'm at his house. It's late at night and time for me to go home. One of the house residents offers to go pull my car up into the driveway for me. I'm touched by this gesture and hand over my keys.

The next day I go grocery shopping. I open the trunk of my car . . . and see the bleeping cornucopia hiding demurely behind a box! I shake my fist at the sky and realize this means full-out WAR.

Clearly I have to come up with something that will be very difficult to top. This is no longer a game for amateurs.

Then it hits me. The PLAN.

Step 1: Obtain a cardboard box

Step 2: Wrap cornucopia in tissue and newspaper and pack it into the box

Step 3: Obtain proper mailing address

Step 4: Go to UPS store

Step 5: Have box shipped directly to my nemesis' office

Step 6: Imagine the look on his face when he opens the package

Step 7: Revel in glory

Of course, I figured there would be retribution. But I heard nothing. He said not a word. So I said not a word. It was a battle of the wills. Eventually, someone revealed to me that the cornucopia was broken in transit. The Cornucopia Wars had come to an end. I was victorious.

Fast forward several more months. It's my birthday. A few of my closest friends are gathered for dinner. One of them appears to be giddy with excitement to see me open my gifts. He hands me a huge gift bag and I can see the bright-red blooms of a kalanchoe sticking out of the top. He knows how much I like plants. What a sweet and thoughtful gift. I pull out all the tissue paper and look into the bag . . . and my jaw drops. I look up and tell him I hate him while pulling the freakin' cornucopia (complete with broken, taped-on handle) out of the bag. He planted the kalanchoe in it.

Then he informs me that this kalanchoe is a cutting from a plant that his mother received when he was born. It's very special. He considers it our love-fern and will be deeply hurt if the plant doesn't thrive and grow.

So it's now sitting on my porch with the other plants. I give it plenty of attention and take special care of it because, after all, I have plans for its future.

How Does Your Garden Grow

Project Patio is growing.

More plants are added nearly every week. But there's still a long way to go. I'm having trouble determining exactly which plants thrive best in the environment.

The patio is made entirely of brick and wood, so it gets very hot in the day. But there's also a latticed roof, so it only gets filtered sunlight. The challenge is that sun-loving plants aren't getting enough light and shade-loving plants are getting too hot. And all of my kalanchoes refuse to bloom.

But for the most part, everything looks nice and happy.

Tomorrow...the story of one man, one woman and their love-fern.

Watch the Whole Thing

You'll be glad you did.

Dream Come True

Sleep is an elusive thing for me sometimes, especially when I know I have to be awake at 3:30 in the morning. Last night I tried to go to sleep extra early. I was snuggled into bed by about 9:15. I didn't actually fall asleep until closer to 10pm. But I made the effort.

The problem is I slept restlessly and woke up numerous times because I was worried I might over-sleep. Then I started dreaming. I had this dream that I couldn't sleep. In my dream, I fell asleep for about two hours and then woke up and wasn't able to go back to sleep. The whole time in my dream I knew that I had to be at work by 4:45am and I knew that I was only going to get about 2-3 hours of sleep.

Of course, this dream actually woke me up and made me worried about sleeping.

It's a bad day when your alarm is set for 3:30am and you're awake well before it goes off.

The old has gone, the new has come

Remember my old, sad, unhelpful computer? I broke up with it several weeks ago and since then have been in a rebound relationship with a used computer.

But as of yesterday I dumped my rebound in favor of my sexy new laptop with docking station.

I can get him turned on really quickly and his stamina is unbelieveable. He's also very responsive to my signals. It's mostly a physical relationship, but I'm pretty sure I'm in love.

Secret Crush

I have a secret crush.

Before you get all excited: you don't know the guy and there is absolutely no chance of me getting involved with him. There's no long-term potential with this crush. The reason I have a secret crush on him is because he is the kind of guy I would like to date, even though I don't want to actually date him. And no, he's not Zach Braff.

It's actually a man who works at my office. He's quite a bit older than I -- probably in his mid-40s. He's a very tall black man with just a touch of gray in his hair. He's also a widower. And before you go there, no I am not looking to get in a relationship with a 40-something widower. I'm just telling you a bit about him.

What I'm really drawn to is his quiet dignity. He's very gentle and mild-mannered, but also very confident and decisive. He doesn't speak often, but when he does people listen to him. He works hard and does everything with excellence. He has a good sense of humor, but doesn't need to be the center of attention. He cares about people and talks to you as though you really matter. And he loves and fears the Lord.

I don't want to marry him, but I do want to marry someone like him.
And I sure hope he doesn't read my blog.

A Whole New World

A new fantastic point of view...

Ok, enough of that. On to the point of this entry. My job is changing. No, I'm not changing jobs. But there are just a lot of differences. My current boss really wants me to hone my craft and a big part of that involves traveling. I never used to do much traveling in the first 4 1/2 years here. There was the occasional trip to Dallas or Austin, but that was about it. Well this year that's all changing. I have a trip to Chapel Hill, NC next month, a trip to DC in June and a trip to Ann Arbor, MI in July with a follow-up trip in November. This may not sound like much to those of you who travel as a regular part of your job, but in my world this is unheard of.

Birthdays and other momentous occasions

Yesterday was my birthday. I counted more than 30 Facebook greetings, half a dozen emails, seven text messages, a handful of phone calls, two heart-shaped balloons, 12 friends at dinner and a partridge in a pear tree.

This was my first Facebook birthday and I must say I really enjoyed it. It's hard not to get excited when you log into your account and see 23 new notifications from people who wrote on your wall.

I experienced another first on my birthday. I got my first-ever-in-my-life speeding ticket. That's right, I made it to the grand old age of 29 before getting the honor of chatting with an officer about my speed. I wish I could say that I enjoyed it as much as the rest of the day, but I didn't. In fact, it was pretty much awful and I was very upset. And when I told him it was my birthday he just looked at my ID and said "huh, sure is, sorry" right before handing me the citation.

There and back again

I won't bore you with all the details of my vacation. But there are a few stories (and pictures) worth sharing. Now for those of you who have never traveled with me you may not know that something is always sure to go wrong when I travel by air. There was the Cuban crisis of 2006 and let's not forget about what happens in Vegas.

This time around it appeared everything was going according to plan. Our whole group of five arrived at the airport on time. We checked in without incident, had zero problems going through security and had time to eat dinner while waiting for our flight. Granted, our flight was delayed for about 45 minutes but one expects those things in this day and age.

What I did not expect was that our group would be separated on the plane. This shouldn't have been a huge problem. The window seat was empty, I was in the middle, my teeny-tiny roomie was in the aisle. The boys were right across from us and Liz was several rows closer to the front.

Not a problem. Until I noticed a woman who appeared to be eyeing that window seat.

The woman was enormous.

I'm not talking just overweight. I'm a big girl myself, so I have plenty of sympathy and compassion for plus-size girls. But this woman was way beyond overweight. She was huge!

I tried to stay calm and convince myself she was looking at the seat in front of me. She inched closer and closer down the aisle and within moments was standing right there, pointing at the seat next to me, asking to slide in. Oh, mommy.

I was crushed, both literally and figuratively. Praise God for teeny-tiny roomies because I had to lift up the arm rest and half sit in her seat. My whole body ached from sitting in a half-bent position on the edge of the seat for the entire three-hour flight.

And so begins vacation.

Leavin' on a jet plane

Don't know when I'll be back again...

Well technically I know when I'll be back in Houston. But I don't know when I'll be blogging again. Definitely not until some time next week. The staff of the QQ is taking a little R&R in D.C. By the time I get back, I'll have aged a year.

I know you'll be sad that I'm gone and miss me terribly. In an attempt to assuage your sorrows, I leave you with several fun activities to enjoy.

First, in case you don't read The Traveler's blog, here's a truly priceless bit of internet humor. Go to your google bar. Type in "Find Chuck Norris" and then instead of hitting the search button, hit the 'I'm feeling lucky' button.

Second, if you're white or if you want to know what it's like to be white then this is the website for you. Funny, offensive and incredibly accurate.

And lastly, the next time you're killing time and surfing the web you really should visit freerice.com. Spend five minutes on this website and make a tangible difference for hungry families, all while improving your vocabulary!

Have a great week! Catch ya on the flip side.

no time

I spend TWO nights a week on this!

If you came to me ten years ago, nay -- five years ago, and told me that the world's most popular television show in any genre would be a live production of ballroom dancing featuring slightly obscure celebrities, I would have filed your name under the 'gullible' entry in my mind's dictionary. I also would have asked you if you'd be interested in buying a piece of the Brooklyn Bridge.

Catching Some Rays

I have not yet grown tired of tooling around town in my adorable and oh-so-sexy Mini Convertible. The weather this weekend was quite perfect for running errands with the top down. Sunshine and cool breezes make for one Happy Laurie. But I have discovered a drawback to these wonderful Spring days. I now have a seatbelt-shaped sunburn across my chest. Two rosy-red patches divided by a three-inch-wide diagonal swath of palest white that cuts right across my clavicle. I would post pictures, but this is a (mostly) family-friendly blog.

You Decide

What do YOU think is going on in this picture?

Email Excerpts

The following missive came from an email one of my friends sent me earlier this week. Sometimes the inbox contains priceless jewels of bloggability.

From: Guy Friend
To: LJ

Hey Chica...

So, I didn't get a chance to tell you the other night about my Chili Cook Off. It was exciting. Ok, now onto the thing that made me think of you. Our individual project teams had special names that were associated with whatever Chili we were cooking and/or the theme we were trying to portray. Our Admin staff, not on a specific project team, cooked hot dogs for the kids rather than the chili. Their team name was "LJ and The Pups". It cracked me up just a bit. I imagined that you were in a poodle skirt and all your girls were wearing cutesy, pink dog collars doing a little doo-wop behind you...if you could only see the mental picture I had...

Who's gonna catch it?

Quite possibly the only time I'll do a bouquet toss...

Picture Perfect

Last week I was chatting with a co-worker in the studio and someone walked by and snapped our picture. We were both caught a little off-guard, but laughed about it. I mentioned how I think candid shots are always terrible. You usually end up making some strange face or looking drunk or something.

My co-worker agreed and then said "but you take great candid shots. You're very photogenic."

Me: "Hmm, I don't usually feel that way, but thanks for saying that."

Him: "No really. In fact I have a great picture of you that I snapped a while back. It's up on the wall in my apartment."

Me, nervously: "You have a picture of me? In your apartment?"

Him: "Yeah. You look really cute in it."

Me, mildly disturbed: "Well...thanks."

More Irony

I don't have time to blog today.
The only way to inform you of that is by blogging.

Just for fun

From our Moscow Bureau

Spring has arrived! I can hardly believe it. We've had 5 solid days of sunshine. I actually went out for a walk a day or two ago with nothing but a t-shirt on (get your mind out of the gutter). My point is that winter is on its way out (and not a moment too soon). With the warmer weather come longer days and shorter nights. I'm told that it will be daylight until almost midnight during the summer. Looks like I'll have to invest in aluminum foil for my bedroom windows.



As I've mentioned previously, I finally found an apartment. This weekend my agent (who is the best real estate agent I've ever used) took me to Ikea to buy furniture for my apartment. When I moved to Moscow, all I brought was nine bags so you can imagine all the stuff that we had to buy to furnish the apartment. The only reason I think she had me come to Ikea with her was to a) push the baskets and b) pay the bill. Would you believe that before we were finished I had baskets full of everything from spatulas to sofas? When we got to the counter to pay I had about 25 yards worth of baskets to push and several poor saps standing in line behind me watching as I counted out 150,000 rubles ($6,000) in $20 dollar increments (everyone uses cash in Russia). I'm not sure I could have done any of the shopping that day without my agent. She was able to negotiate the store (it's freakin' huge), negotiate with the sales people, and get the shipping and assembly lined up as well (all of which had to be done in Russian). Then she took me to an electronics store to buy a microwave and tv. Eight hours later I had all the makings of a furnished apartment…on paper…

The next day the problems began. The delivery guys showed up 10 hours late and then refused to deliver. Once we did convince them to deliver they didn't deliver all of the items. Half of the items they did deliver they damaged either in transit, or the way up the stairs. The assembly guys showed up the day after the delivery guys and managed to damage the other half of the items…(it was like a tag team event). The best part is that they do not remove the boxes from your apartment (they say for warranty reasons). So now, while I may not have a bed, I can always construct one out of the boxes and duct tape (literally 50+) that they've left behind...if I could only find duct tape.

Friday night I ventured out with some friends of mine to go check out a movie at a large cinema. The cinema only has one English speaking screen that is located about 1-1/2 blocks from the concession stand inside the theater. So after you've bought your ticket and purchased your popcorn and soda, you have to walk outside and down the street to your movie. No big deal right… That is until you walk outside and are swarmed by children wanting you to give them your soda, your popcorn and in some cases your wallet. The kids ages range from 5 years to 12 years I'm guessing. The two little devils that attacked me were around 6yrs (girl) and 10 yrs (boy). Had they been homeless or destitute one might feel as though sharing your drink, popcorn or even money would be the right thing to do. But these little animals were dressed nice. And they had a system of attack. They actually cornered the girl I was with and because both her hands had drinks in them, she couldn't do anything. They had her purse unzipped before I could get over to her to save the sodas! Crazy! After the show we stood near the entrance and watched the little monsters as they attacked wave after wave of unsuspecting movie goers. To be young and gypsy…



~The Moscow Correspondent

Reality? Or just every girl's dream?

I got home pretty late last night, around 9:30pm. I felt exhausted, slightly cranky and not even close to looking pretty. My hair was a curly mess. I had glasses on instead of my contacts. My clothes were wrinkled. In other words, it wasn't exactly my most shining moment.

Even so, there was a man waiting for me. He folded me into his arms and said "Laurie Johnson, why do you have to be so good-looking?"

I said something to the effect of "Oh puh-lease. Don't make fun of me."
That's when he pulled back and looked in my eyes. "I'm serious," he said. "With your messy hair and your glasses, coming in tired at the end of the day...this is the real Laurie. You look beautiful."

And for that one moment I actually felt beautiful.

Tryst

I just met an attractive single guy for lunch.
He paid.
I gave him my house key.

Randomosities

• I discovered something this morning that was quite surprising and unexpected. I even exclaimed "whoa!" out loud when I made the discovery. But it's really not worth telling you about.
• I got my first sunburn of the season. I was at an outdoor assignment yesterday afternoon. I didn't realize I was burned until this morning when I was getting ready. The funny thing is the burn is square-shaped.
• I did fall for one April Fool's Joke yesterday. It almost made me cry.
• It's been a good shoe week. Every day for the past five or six days I've received compliments on the shoes I wear. I've been meaning to take a picture of my newest pair. They made quite the splash among the ladies at the office.
• I covered an event yesterday about the dangers of drinking and driving. About five minutes after I left the event, I noticed a man driving a battered old pick-up truck. He was drinking a beer.

Phone-flirting

I got a text message early this morning.
It said "Call me, Baby."

I don't know who it was from.
I didn't call.

Mistaken Identity

We've kicked the fundraising into high gear at the station. I was on air for five hours straight on Saturday. My voice is worn out. But I got a funny, bloggable story out of it, so that counts for something.


When I got off the air on Saturday afternoon, one of our long time volunteers, John, told me that a friend of mine called. John said this friend made a contribution and then asked him to "please tell Laurie I said hi." John said he couldn't remember who the caller was for sure, but he thought it was a guy named Tom.

Me: "Oh, TOM! Of course, he's a good friend of mine!"

John: "I'm not sure it was Tom, but I think that's right."

Me: "Ok, well thanks for telling me. That was really sweet of him to call."

So I went and asked the database administrator if he could check and find out if a friend of mine had called in. "Could you search in the comments for anyone who said 'hi to Laurie'?" I asked.

The search came back. Sure enough it was Tom who called.
Tom Foster.
I have no idea who that is.

From our Moscow Bureau

Last Sunday I woke up bright and early and headed to the church that I've been visiting (hoping that they might have installed special chairs that can support the load of a man that eats a lot of pancakes).


On the way, I noticed hundreds of soldiers milling around and setting up metal detectors on the main street by the church. I figured it was another protest rally or something, but I really had no idea. I just strolled past with my head down like I had good sense.

When I got out of church, I couldn't believe my eyes. They were having a huge Saint Patrick's Day Parade. I stood and watched for a few minutes and then headed to meet some friends at the Electronics market (that experience was a whole other story within itself).

This week I had to make a trip to Siberia to visit with some customers. For those of you who aren't geographically gifted. Siberia is a LONG way away from Moscow (or anywhere for that matter). The travel agency that I used to book my trip got mixed up initially and tried to book my trip via train (it takes 48 hours by train). I ended up taking a three or four hour plane flight, and a six hour car ride to see the customer. To complicate matters, my phone broke on the flight to Siberia, so when I got off the plane I didn't know where to go, who to call, or what to do. I ended up just walking out of the airport, hoping that my driver would recognize me. He did, and he was holding a sign up that said Baker Hughes (Of course, he held the sign up from the warmth of his Land Rover, as he knew better than to get out in the cold). Did I mention that they had 4 foot of snow? CRAZY! We drove all day to the customer's field office.

When we arrived the safety girl gave me a brief run down (in broken English). I almost laughed out loud when she told me about their water system on site. She told me that the running water was not safe to drink, she then clarified that it was "only meant for human consumption". I was biting my lip not to laugh.

On the long ride back to the airport I begged my driver to stop at a convenience store so I could get something, anything, to eat (I hadn't eaten in 12 hours). He relented and pulled into what had to have been the worst truck stop/gas station that I've ever been to in my life. They had a café, but when I looked in the kitchen there was a cat laying on the kitchen counter next to where they put the food. I opted for potato chips instead of something fresh. I bought almost every bag of chips they had (bags of chips were all that they had to eat in the store). I would have killed someone for a Snicker bar (or anything Chocolate)!

When you can't read Russian you depend on pictures to help you thru. I had bought bags of chips with pictures of what appeared to be meat and seafood on the bags. I had never had Beef Stroganoff flavored chips before that day (I can now mark that off my list). I had also never had caviar flavored chips, nor will I ever again.

~The Moscow Correspondent

Telling Fortunes

Our station ordered Chinese food in for us today. All American-style Chinese food must come with a fortune cookie. Usually I am mildly amused by the "fortunes" they contain. Today, I'm a little apprehensive.

My fortune says:
"Today you should be a passenger. Stay close to a driver for a day."

Apparently this cookie company dabbles in scary fortunes. On the flip side (both literally and figuratively) the Chinese word I'm supposed to learn is "boyfriend."

Maybe that's my consolation prize for the foretold doom.

Support Something

I have a new mouse pad. It has a picture of Houston's skyline and says "Support Thought Radio." I have no idea what this means. It's not even good grammar. But apparently it's what the higher-ups have decided is a catchy phrase for our listeners. Personally, I think our listeners are smart enough to be unimpressed by meaningless jargon. But maybe that's why I'm not in management...I think too much like a normal person.

Q is for...

Every day a surprising number of people find my blog by searching a particular phrase. I am constantly amazed at how many people on the World Wide Internet are interested in 'words that start with Q.'

So many people stumble across the QQ by googling that phrase that I have now become the #9 Google hit when you search those terms.

Imagine their disappointment when they get here and discover I don't actually blog about words that start with Q. Maybe I should start some sort of recurring feature about Q-words.

Of course, it amuses me that so many people would rely on Google for the answer to this question. Does no one use a dictionary any more?

But perhaps I shouldn't quip, quibble or quarrel with these querists in their quest for Q quarries.

From our Moscow Bureau

Last week I went out to a bar on Thursday night called 'The Real McCoy' and it was awesome. They have live music 5 nights a week and I'd heard that the bands are great. The band I saw was fantastic (though I have no idea how to pronounce their name). They opened with a James Brown cover, and continued to play a variation of Russian and English cover songs. I heard Banana-rama, Pink Floyd, Stevie Ray Vaughan, but the one that brought the house down was 'Ghostbusters'. I've never heard it live. What a show! Who ya' gonna call?...


Also, this week was Pancake week here in Moscow. While the Russian pancake (called Blini) is nothing like what you'd find at IHOP, it's pretty dang good. It's sort of like a crepe. You can get them with honey, strawberry jam, or a variation of butters and creams. I think I had every variation that they could concoct at the Pancake Festival down by Red Square. The only pancake I didn't partake in was the one that had caviar and sour crème on top. DISGUSTING!


Also, Sunday I found a Church. It's called the International Christian Fellowship. It's located in a theater near the city center (Arbat). It's always a little awkward visiting a new church, but I think my experience this Sunday took the cake. I arrived a little late with one of my coworkers and his family. Most of the aisles were full, but we were able to find one that would accommodate all four of us, but several people had to stand up to let us by (since it's in a theater, everyone has their own seat). When I got to my seat in the middle of the aisle I sat down and the seat collapsed leaving me on the floor. I'd broken the seat and caused everyone in the vicinity of the accident to turn and laugh. No more flap jacks for me.



~The Moscow Correspondent

Blog-fast

I'm considering an extension of my blog sabbatical. Tune in tomorrow to find out what decision I make.

From our Moscow Bureau

A friend of mine recently moved to Russia. He'll be appearing on the QQ as a guest blogger from time to time. Here's his first update.
****

All is well here in Moscow. It's getting warmer every day. But with the warmer air, the snow is turning to rain. I've brought my dress shoes to work so that they won't be ruined. I wear my hiking boots to the office and then change when I get here. It all sounds good until you see me on the metro or walking down the street in a suit and hiking boots.

Also, I went and had Mexican food on Saturday. While it wasn't bad for Moscow, it was probably the worst Mexican food I've had in my life. They made me quesadillas with salami and cheese inside (pretty gross). They also made me a big bowl of guacamole. It smelled just like B.O. In fact, I thought it was me at first.

~The Moscow Correspondent

Appeasing the Masses

I'm on Blog-Sabbatical

Sexy Lingerie and other unexpected outcomes

This week I needed to buy some lingerie. For a friend. I'm being serious. So on my way home from work, I drove to Rice Village to go to the VS store there. I circled the parking lot for about 15 minutes trying to find a spot. I finally found one all the way on the other side of the shopping center. So I parked and walked back to the store...only to discover a small sign posted on the window.

"Temporarily closed due to water damage."

Grrr. I walk back to my car, struggle through Rice traffic and head over to Highland Village to go to another VS store. I circle the parking lot for only about five minutes this time. Just as I'm walking up to the door I see the saleslady locking it and closing the shop. I missed getting in by one minute. Drat.

Now on to the movie review.

I rented Michael Clayton (not the man, the movie). If you're trying to remember which one that is...George Clooney was in it and nominated for best actor, the film was nominated for best picture and Tilda Swinton won best supporting actress. All of this means that the movie had to be either outstanding or truly terrible.

I was prepared for truly terrible. What I got was outstanding.

Now I have to throw in one caveat: there is a lot of foul language in this movie. And some of it is quite graphic. There's nothing else questionable besides the language, but it was strong enough to be offensive.

Nevertheless, the acting, writing and, above all, the plot were enough to set this movie apart as something truly worth seeing. I think what I liked most about this movie was how it never fell into predictable territory. I kept expecting it to turn into an Erin Brokovich type plot. You know the routine:

'One humble lawyer takes on Corporate America because of his love for the lowly and downtrodden.'

But the movie never went there. Instead, it showed the ugliness and decay of the industry, but without turning into a conspiracy theory. I believed the movie. I felt like the things that happened could really happen, do really happen. And then the full power of the film comes in at the end. It's almost a fist-to-the-stomach moment when everything comes together and it dawns on you what has happened and what it all means.

Stellar.

Facebook Friends and other inaccuracies

I have 169 friends on Facebook. This is terribly misleading. Quite a large number of my Facebook friends aren't actually friends at all, but rather acquaintances or people I have met here and there. And there's quite a large number of close friends of mine who aren't on Facebook at all. That said, one actual for-real friend pointed out to me the other day that he and I have 104 Facebook friends in common. Pretty impressive.


I promised to deliver on some movie reviews. (Note to self:
return movies tonight.)
I watched Becoming Jane on Monday. I had every expectation of loving it.
I hated it.

That has to be one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time. As a historical film, it got about 2% of the facts right. They spelled Austen's name correctly...that's about it. I was very frustrated. So I decided to stop thinking of it in terms of Austen's life and start thinking of it as simply a period romance.
I still hated it.

Several girls told me how good this movie was. That it was "sweet," "cute," "romantic" etc...
I wish women would start thinking critically about the movies they watch. Think about what the movie is really portraying. It's more than just a romance between a sexy actor and a beautiful actress. Who are these characters? Why are they doing what they do? Are they teaching you anything about human character?

In Becoming Jane the answers to those questions are disappointing at best and destructive at worst. We see a willful girl who recklessly throws away her good reputation, breaks trust with her family, betrays her engagement to another man and consents to run away with her lover. We see her lover who is a known scoundrel with a history of drinking, gambling and whoring, who jilts her because she doesn't have any money and then later convinces her to take him back so they can run away together.

And somehow this is supposed to be romantic, touching and noble.

Return to the Land of the Living

It's good to be back. I've been laid out sick for the past three days and it wasn't pretty. Friday and Saturday were a blur of activities interspersed with my groaning and complaining about not feeling well. Sunday was an absolute delight of a day filled with a ruptured eardrum, killer sore throat, less than four hours of sleep and aches and chills. Monday and Tuesday involved lying in a stupor on the couch. I was so sick that I even forgot to have morning coffee. Yeah. That's sick.

But I did learn a few things in the course of my illness. I learned there's an irony in modern life wherein I traded staring at my computer screen at work all day for staring at my TV screen at home all day.

I also learned that JG Wentworth can help you get the cash you need from your structured settlement or annuity. It's your money. Use it when you need it.

I also rented a couple movies to help me weather the upper respiratory storm. I'll be posting reviews later this week.

Ruptured Eardrum

Agony.

Thoughts

I don't see my pet ladybug today. I can't tell if she's just hiding under a leaf or if she has permanently relocated.

The Houston Chronicle linked to my blog this week. Apparently someone on their editorial page liked my story about helping Chief Bradford get out of the parking lot. My blog hits have already gone up.

I'm going to the rodeo tonight. Four white girls are going to see John Legend on Black Heritage Day. Got a problem with that? Incidentally, although I was born and raised in Texas, I do not own cowboy boots or a hat.

ER was so much better than Grey's Anatomy could ever hope to be.

Dancing with the Stars starts in just over a week! This is my one 'reality tv' indulgence. I don't even watch AI.

Wedding season is still in full swing. The end is nowhere near in sight. Pray hard.

Notice anything...unusual?

This is a picture of my ivy plant. On my desk. In the newsroom. On the third floor of my building.

If you've ever lived with a cat, you know this is exactly what it's like

Re-covering

Last night wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. The particular race I was covering was fairly straightforward. The returns came in early enough that I was able to be back at home shortly before 1am.

My favorite moment from last night was when I showed up at the Democratic Election party to interview one of the candidates. I pulled into the parking lot and noticed a very large truck maneuvering to get out of the parking lot. The driver kept backing up and pulling forward in an attempt to squeeze between the cars around him. I started to motion to him that I would help him back out of the space. That's when I noticed who the driver was. It was former Chief of Police and Candidate for District Attorney C.O. Bradford. That's right. I found myself directing traffic for the former police chief.

Laurie Johnson. News Reporter/Traffic Cop.

Blah blah blah

Election days are actually really boring. I'm at work with absolutely nothing to do until about 9pm tonight. I'm already getting sleepy.

A Long Day's Journey Into Night

It's Primary day in Texas and that means one thing: I'll be at work until about 2am.
Wish me luck.

Coping with Loss

I lost a dear friend over the weekend. It was very unexpected and there was nothing anyone could have done to stop it. This was a relationship I had developed over the past two or three years and it was very important to me. When the accident happened, my first reaction was disbelief. Then as the reality of the situation sunk in, I began to question God on why He would allow this to happen. He didn't answer. But I know we live in a fallen world and that means decay and destruction are part of the process.

But it doesn't make the death of my Chi hair straightener any easier to bear. It was a rough weekend.

The Liberal Media Rules!

My job is so great. Yesterday I was taking a ride on the McCain train and following the "Straight Talk Express." Today I was part of "Change We Can Believe In" where you can Barack the Vote. Apparently I'm a flip-flop-er.

One of the really great things about working in radio is how it allows us to share perspectives from normal, everyday people.

Every once in a while my network will do profile pieces on famous fictional characters. (A few weeks ago they profiled Darth Vader.) This week, a reporter profiled the infamously corrupt evangelist Elmer Gantry. I listened to the piece, wondering how the reporter would address the themes of sin, hypocrisy, faith and redemption. I literally cheered out loud when I heard who he interviewed for the piece - a group of students at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville.

The students ran with the opportunity to share the gospel! Christ's sacrifice and salvation was made known to millions of people through this one little story. I highly recommend you listen to the whole piece.

Mixed Results

John McCain was in town again today. I covered the event. There are some good things about this and some bad things. We'll cover the bad news first.

Bad:
I had to get up way earlier than I'm used to.
I've only had one small cup of coffee.
I had to ride a huge bus with the words "Get on the McCain Train" written on the side.

Good:
A TV reporter told me I have a really cute haircut.
A PR guy fixed me up with that one small cup of coffee. No one else got any.
I had to ride a huge bus with the words "Get on the McCain Train" written on the side.

Lessons in Humility

This morning I was sitting at the media table at City Hall, waiting for the council meeting to begin. They always start about 30 minutes late. I always arrive on time.

Another reporter showed up just before the meeting started. She saw me sitting there waiting and asked me if I show up on time every week, even though I know the meetings don't start until later. I replied in the affirmative. Her response was "you are a woman of integrity."

Wow.

I felt really honored by her remarks. I was proud that something as simple as showing up on time (even though I don't need to) reflected on my character. I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Toward the end of the meeting this reporter and I were having a conversation about her news organization. I made a couple of thoughtless, tactless and somewhat hypocritical remarks. I got back to the station and immediately emailed her an apology.

I couldn't help but notice the irony.
How quick I am to take credit for that which should be credited to Christ!
How quick Christ is to remind me of His grace and humble my pride!

'Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.' Proverbs 16:18

Convertible Thoughts

Driving a convertible changes your perspective on life. Your commute becomes a happy time instead of a chore. Trips to the grocery store are exciting. Sunday afternoons become an opportunity to 'go for a drive.' You see buildings you've never noticed before. You smell wonderful aromas: fresh-cut grass, backyard grills, coffee, Tex-Mex.
Life is mellow, sweet and pleasant.

Driving a convertible reminds me that it really is possible to buy happiness. I've been pondering how easy it is for people to ignore God or to think they simply don't need Him. External luxuries like a convertible prompt me to respond with praise to the Father of heavenly lights from Whom all good things are given. But think of all the people who have external luxuries and praise only themselves. And they are satisfied.

I am reminded of Luke 18:25. Don't look up the verse. Just read what's written below.
***
Luke 18:25
by Karsten Piper

He spread his blanket on the sand,
kneeled and arranged his bowls and tools:
hook, mallet, clamp, chisel, rasp, razor.

His smile glinted in the rongeur's claws,
and upside down in the curette's spoon.
Light shone out of the needle's eye.

"Hoosh," he said, and began plucking hairs,
paring calluses, shearing wool, shaving
to the follicles, cutting to the quick.

He sorted these, trimming skin with skin,
hair with hair, into rows of clay bowls,
and set a large basin to catch each sour drip

as he sliced the hide and used both fists
to yank back the whole stubbled, gray pelt,
as wet and red on its underside as afterbirth.

He piled this heavily away, draping it
in clean linen, and turned to the meat and bone
heaving under sheer, tight membrane.

Sawtooth chewed into femur, rib and shoulder.
Pliers twisted and wrenched away tendons
until everything softened, canted and collapsed--

yet not one sliver dies. Each ribbon and shard
bawls for the horror and hurt of their missing,
wishing for the old braying wholeness.

Pain bloodies evening and morning,
stabbing day after day from even the first cuts,
like the slow light of far stars.

Eyeballs and heart float alone in the last bowl,
dark and defenseless, quavering when he leans down
and they recognize in his eyes how little is left.

"Easy now, Camel," he says and lifts me
in his fingertips, one quivering strand at a time,
through the eye of the needle.

You'll Never See This in Houston

Rending my garments

My hard drive failed at 10:04 this morning. It's now 2:59 and my computer is still not functional. I haven't even started on my story. My deadline is in 2 1/2 hours.

A-Z: B is for Bostini

I'm finally back on track with my Baking Challenge. It's been a long time since I started with Apple Pie Cupcakes. I want to challenge myself on the variety and difficulty of the desserts I make. So for my 'B' dessert, I made Bostinis. They're a take on the classic Boston Cream Pie, but much more difficult. Oh, and the recipe is appalling. It's a good thing you're only eating a small portion because no part of this is good for you. All the elements turned out well, but it made way more than the stated 8 servings. I had a lot of leftover chiffon cake and quite a bit of custard. If you care to recreate Bostinis on your own, I provide you with the recipe. You may faint after reading it. There's enough cream and eggs in it to start your own dairy.

Bostinis
Custard:
3/4 cup whole milk

2 3/4 Tbl cornstarch

1 whole egg, beaten

9 egg yolks, beaten

3 3/4 cups heavy whipping cream

1/2 vanilla bean (or 1 tsp vanilla extract)

1/2 cup + 1 Tbl sugar

Combine the milk and cornstarch in a bowl, blend until smooth. Whisk in the whole egg and yolks, beating until smooth. Combine the cream, vanilla bean and sugar in a saucepan and carefully bring to a boil. When the mixture just boils, whisk a ladleful into the egg mixture to temper it (this prevents the eggs from cooking when you add the hot cream). Whisk all the egg mixture back into the cream. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture is thick enough to coat the back of a spoon. Strain the custard and pour into small custard cups or dessert dishes. Chill until ready to assemble.
Chiffon Cake:

1 1/2 cups cake flour

3/4 cup superfine (caster) sugar

1 1/3 tsp baking powder

1/3 tsp salt

1/3 cup canola oil

1/3 cup beaten egg yolks (3-4 yolks)

3/4 cup fresh orange juice

1 1/2 Tbl grated orange zest

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 cup egg whites (about 8 large)

1 tsp cream of tartar

Preheat oven to 325. Spray a 9x13 pan with cooking spray. You may also use custard cups or small molds. Sift the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt together in a large bowl. Add the oil, egg yolks, orange juice, zest and vanilla. Stir until smooth, but do not overbeat. Beat the egg whites until frothy. Add the cream of tartar and beat until soft peaks form. Gently fold the whites into the cake batter. Pour the batter into the pan or molds. Bake 25 minutes, until the cake bounces back when lightly pressed. Do not overbake. Place pans on wire rack to cool completely. Remove cake from pans, cover to keep moist until ready to assemble.
Chocolate Glaze:

6 oz semi-sweet chocolate

2 oz bittersweet chocolate

1 stick unsalted butter

Chop the chocolate into small pieces. Place the butter into a saucepan and heat until it is just about to bubble. Remove from the heat; add the chocolate and stir until melted and smooth. Keep warm until ready to assemble.
To assemble:

Cut cake into rounds the same size as the custard cups. Place a round of cake flat side up on top of the custard in each dish. Pour warm chocolate glaze on top. Serve immediately.

As you can see in the photo, I used champagne flutes to serve the Bostinis. It was the perfect serving size, but makes it a little more difficult to assemble.

We Like the Moon!

There's a full lunar eclipse tonight. If you live in this area, you should be able to view the entire eclipse. It starts around 7:45pm and will be totally eclipsed by 9pm. The entire event will be over by about 11:10pm.



By the way, this will be the last total lunar eclipse until 2010.

Just a little reminder from your friendly neighborhood reporter.

If you had eyes like golden crowns
and diamonds in your fingertips
you'd waste it.


If shining wisdom passed your lips
and traveled to the ears of God
you'd waste it.



So I hate that you're overrated,
most revered and celebrated
because you're wasted.



And every time you close a door
and nothing opens in its place
you've wasted.


And when you speak the words you know
to those who know the words themselves
you've wasted.



Such a classic waste of cool!
So afraid to break the rules
in all the wrong places.


~Brandi Carlile

Supporting the right candidate

Former President George Bush endorsed John McCain this morning. I covered the event. So in the spirit of the day, I would like to offer my own endorsement.
Today I announce my support of bareMinerals make-up.

I believe bareMinerals is the right choice for all those who uphold the values and ideals of make-up. There are some who will say bareMinerals is too costly. Others say it can't get the job done. But I'm here to tell you that bareMinerals is competent, qualified and affordable enough to be the cosmetic of choice in make-up bags across America.

I have known bareMinerals for some time now and I believe in the integrity and honesty of this candidate. I ask you to join me in my support.

He answers the phone. But he doesn't actually talk.

For those of you who were exhausted or depressed by the lack of humor in the last post, I present this sacrificial offering. Watch all the way to the end. You won't be disappointed.

Total Depravity: Embrace It

If you're here on the QQ looking for something funny to lighten your day...well today is not the day for you. This will be a serious and even weighty topic. But I encourage you to stick around and read it anyway.

A couple of weeks ago, my pastor preached a sermon on Calvinism. I'm not here to dissect his thoughts and points. I bring it up because his sermon challenged me to examine why I believe what I believe. I hope that you regularly take the time to do so yourself. No matter where you stand on theology or belief in God, take some time to test your own heart and ask yourself if what you believe is true. I pray if you're reading this and you don't know what you believe, that God would reveal His truth to you and call you into a relationship with Jesus Christ. And if you think that sounds crazy, I challenge you to keep reading the rest of this post. You ain't seen crazy yet. ;)

I came across this breakdown of the concept of Total Depravity. I think it's one of the most accessible explanations I've come across. I'm including it here and hope you'll take the time to read it.

The Westminster confession states the doctrine of total depravity in these terms: "Man, by his fall into a state of sin, hath wholly lost all ability of will to any spiritual good accompanying salvation; so as a natural man, being altogether averse from that good, and dead in sin, is not able, by his own strength, to convert himself, or to prepare himself thereunto" (Chap. IX, sect. iii).

Every element of that statement is crucial. Note exactly what kind of inability is described here. It is not an inability to do good things. It is an inability for "any spiritual good accompanying salvation." In other words, sinners have no ability to do spiritual good that merits God's favor or forgiveness. They are completely antagonistic to real righteousness. They are hopelessly in thrall to sin. They cannot save themselves or even make themselves fit for God's salvation. They have no appetite for spiritual truth, no ability to understand it. Therefore, they cannot possibly believe the truth or appropriate salvation for themselves by any means.

In John 8:44, Jesus told the Pharisees, "You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father." Their desires were corrupt, and it was a corruption that emanated from the nucleus of their very nature. Jesus said they were like the devil. He went on to say, "[The Devil] does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature; for he is a liar, and the father of lies."

The implication is, You are in the same boat. He was telling those Pharisees, in effect, It is your nature to be evil. There is no way you could do otherwise. There is no way you can make yourself other than what you are. "Can the Ethiopian change his skin Or the leopard his spots? Then you also can do good who are accustomed to doing evil" (Jeremiah 13:23).

At this point, some readers will ask, "If this is so—if we are sinful by nature, totally unable to be any other way—how can a just God hold us responsible for that? It wouldn't be fair to command a paraplegic to run a marathon and then punish him because he was unable, would it?

But our inability isn't the inability of a paraplegic; it is an inability of the will. Our inability does not arise from a lack of physical, rational, or cognitive faculties. It arises from a wrong moral inclination—a will that is firmly set against the truth and has no inclination to will otherwise.

All our faculties—our minds, emotions, and wills—work just fine. That is, we can think and act and choose freely according to whatever our own desires and motives are. But that is precisely the problem: our desires and motives are the very thing sin has corrupted. Our desires are defective. So the will itself is therefore bent against righteousness. Our corruption is therefore a willful depravity. It is a moral defect, not the kind of inability that keeps a paraplegic from running a race.

Depravity inclines the will of a fallen sinner to love sin, so that God's righteousness becomes morally repugnant. The sinner is left unable to love Him, unable to choose obedience to His law. It is a moral defect, and therefore the sinner himself is morally culpable.

But isn't the human will free? In one sense it is, but in the sense normally meant by people who tend to make the most liberal use the expression "free will," the will is not free. It's in bondage to sin.

Our will is free to choose according to our desires, but it is not free to determine those desires. The will is free in the sense that our choices are not forced upon us or compelled by external pressure. But our will is not "free" in the sense of being sovereign over our moral nature. We cannot by an act of will change our character for the better. That is the whole point of Jeremiah 13:23: The sinner has exactly as much ability to turn his own heart to do good as a cheetah has to will his spots away.

In other words, depravity corrupts our heart and perverts all our appetites. It so inclines our nature that we love sin. Evil desires therefore govern the choices we make. Since we make those choices freely and with great delight, we are guilty for them.

So our inability is no excuse for our sinfulness. It is precisely the opposite. It is the very reason we are condemned. Sin flows from the very core of our souls. The heart of who we are is evil. We are "by nature children of wrath" (Ephesians 2:3). That is why we do evil things. Jesus said, "For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man" (Mark 7:21-23).

In other words, we are not sinners because we sin; we sin because we are sinners. We were born sinful, and all our acts of sin proceed from that.

Written by Phil Johnson

Ridiculous

A few weeks ago I blogged about the fact that my credit card was compromised. The card company closed my account and issued a new account. They promised to mail me a new card and said it would arrive in a few days.

Well a couple weeks ago I received the new card. It was in an open, unsealed envelope. Needless to say, I was immediately concerned about the security of my new account. I knew it was probably just an accident that the envelope was unsealed. But anyone could have looked inside and written down the number on my new card.

So I called the credit card company and asked them to close the account. They told me they didn't want to lose my business. They asked me if they could issue a new card and UPS it directly to my office. I agreed.

The UPS package arrived at my office this week. The envelope was half-way torn open.
I give up.

More Premonitions

I ran some errands last night. I needed a new pair of black heels for work. I also needed a new bra. Normally I would shop for these items at a department store or a specialty store. But I was in a hurry and somewhat broke, so I went to Target. While I was browsing through the lingerie section, carrying an assortment of bras, I thought "I sure hope I don't run into anyone I know."

You see what's coming next, don't ya?

Sure enough, I turned the corner and there was a girl I am slightly acquainted with.
At least it wasn't a guy.
I pretended I didn't see her and kept on walking.

Friday Night Car Wash

Funny things happen in the big city. For instance, imagine that you're having dinner with friends. After dinner, you all decide to go around the corner to the Dessert Gallery and have some cake (and eat it, too). Then imagine that you and all your friends are leaving, and you turn the corner to go to your car and you find out it has been sitting under a geyser of water for quite some time.

I apologize for the sideways video. I don't know how to turn it.
And yes, this really did happen to us.
And yes, my roommate's car was reeaaallly clean afterward.

Thoughts

Driving a convertible is a lot of fun.
Suffering from allergies is not.

Going Topless

Me in my little shiny, red topless number.

Isn't it cute? (That's for Tom.)

Laurie Johnson is calling

I got a real ego boost today. A friend of mine works in the Texas Medical Center as a public information officer. For those of you not familiar with the lingo, that means her job is to make sure the right information about the organization is distributed to the public. A big part of her job is dealing with the media and responding to requests for information, interviews etc.

Every so often all the PIOs in the Texas Medical Center get together and perform disaster preparedness drills. They make up different emergency scenarios and then go through the response steps.

They had one of those drills this week. They were responding to a mock emergency and part of the scenario (I kid you not) was "Reporter Laurie Johnson is calling, asking for information and an update on this emergency. What are you going to tell her?"

That's right. I was used as an example in the TMC disaster preparedness drill. Of all the reporters in the city, they picked me.
I have arrived.

Going for the Gold

That guy with the incredible muscles is Raj Bhavsar. He's from Houston and is competing to make it into the summer Olympics. I met him and two other candidates for the U.S. Men's Olympic Gymnastics Team today. I also met legendary Gymnastics Coach Bela Karolyi.

I love my job.

I walked into the gym and saw the guys practicing on the parallel bars, the pommel horse and the still rings.
With their shirts off.
Note to self: Memorize scriptures about dealing with lust.

These guys are seriously in shape.
And about as tall as I am.
There's always a catch.

Whittling the Wish List?

Today is the day!

I'm getting my Mini Cooper today! Heading off to San Antonio in about an hour to pick it up. I dyed my hair red in honor of the occasion.

Okay, really I just dyed my hair red because I felt like it. It would be kinda weird if I dyed my hair red to match my car. I mean, if you've done that it's cool and all. Weird, but whatever.

So...yeah.

Radiant Thinking

Part of the training I was in this week centered on creativity. I know that might sound odd for a training topic. But I work in radio and being creative is a big part of my job.

The trainer introduced us to a creative method known as radiant thinking. It's basically a word association exercise. You can use it for any creative effort, but he was teaching us to use it for developing story ideas.

You can try it right now. Get out a piece of paper. Draw a small circle (about the size of a 50-cent piece) in the middle of the paper. Now draw ten rays shooting out of the circle. Think of a word or idea and write it in the middle of the circle. Now as fast as you can, think of the first ten words that come to mind and write them down on the rays.

To take it further, pick the three most unusual words you just wrote and repeat the above steps using those words. Now see if there are any repeated words or connected ideas. The idea is that certain themes will emerge and you'll get a clearer picture of your creative ideas.

I can't imagine ever using this for my reports. But I'm thinking it might be downright brilliant for blogging. :)

What are ya after doin' thar?

I was in training the past two days. A radio broadcasting coach is working with the reporters at my station to help us improve our writing and vocal performance.

The guy is really good at what he does. I've learned a lot from him after just two days of sessions.

But the main thing I've taken away from my time with him is...his accent.

He's from Newfoundland. Imagine an accent that's a cross between Canadian and Irish. That's how he sounds.

I keep catching myself slipping in words with an accent here and there. I've also been thinking to myself in an accent.

It's all I can do to keep myself from reporting my stories with a bit of brogue thrown in.

Whittling the Wish List

It's true. My Mini Cooper is on its way! The picture is actually the one I am going to get. And yes, it's a convertible. I honestly never dreamed when I started my Wish List that I would actually be getting the things on the list. All you guys better watch out! Getting a boyfriend is next. :)

Quotes

Best quote of the day:

"What do you think about same-sex marriage?"
"I think it's better than no sex marriage."

Second best quote of the day:

"$23,700"
"Done."

Sit Down and Shut Up

This week has been incredibly stressful. In addition to dealing with some long work hours and extra responsibilities, I've also been dealing with having a car accident, shopping for a new car, handling a compromised credit card account, trying to get insurance adjusters to call me back and trying to figure out how long it will take for this whole situation to be behind me.

My body is still aching from the wreck and my muscles are tense from all the worry. My mind races and I've been having anxiety dreams every night. I wake up not feeling rested and then I spend the entire day divided in my mind between work and personal concerns.

I've been praying all week for God's wisdom and that He will protect me physically and financially through this whole process. But I've still been overwhelmed. So tonight I asked the Lord to just bring a verse to mind that I could rely on this week. And the first thing that popped into my head was "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10

That honestly wasn't what I was expecting to hear from God. But I realize it's what I needed to hear. It's God's patient and loving way of telling me to sit down and shut up and let Him take care of things. And it's a gentle reminder that the way He does business is not necessarily to fix everything, but rather to make sure His name is glorified.

So tonight I am going to be still. I am not going to strive and worry and obsess over the details of the situation I'm in. I am simply going to rest in the knowledge of God's character and power and let the peace that transcends understanding guard my heart and mind through Christ Jesus.

Total Loss

It's official. My car is totalled. I don't yet know how much money I'll get for it, but the tow company is coming out tomorrow to pick it up. I've been advised by my insurance agent to start shopping for a new car now because I'll probably have my settlement check within three days. So now I have a dilemma on my hands. I don't want to go car shopping alone. But I also want to very carefully choose my car shopping companion. This is a big decision.

It's Only Tuesday

And it feels like it should be Friday. This is turning out to be a brutal week. I've worked late several nights in a row and am just feeling tired and overwhelmed. And guess what. Tomorrow is city council day. Joy.

Irony: Part Two

Just when you think your weekend was pretty bad from being in a wreck and having your car totalled...

...you get a phone call from your credit card company reporting that your card has been compromised and someone has racked up $979 in cosmetics purchases on your account.

She must be one ugly thief...

Premonitions: The Sequel

I worked late last night and by the time I was driving home it was very dark, very cold and very drizzly. The rain was just heavy enough to make the roads really slick and make it difficult to see. I was driving through Memorial Park and thought "this is the kind of night when really bad accidents happen."

About ten minutes later, I found myself sitting in my now crumpled car in the middle of an intersection along with two other crumpled cars. Not the Friday evening I was expecting to have.

As you've probably deduced from the fact that I'm blogging right now, I'm fine. I'm a little sore and stiff, but not hurt. No one else was hurt either. My car, on the other hand, isn't feeling so well. Parts of her are dangling off and other parts are bent into shapes they're not intended to be in.

What had happened wuz...

I was driving west on Woodway and was about to pass through the intersection at Woodway and Post Oak Rd. Another driver, going east on Woodway turned left, failing to yield, and crossed right into my path. I hit her. Then the car in the lane next to me hit her. It wasn't pretty. We all got out of our cars and the other girl who had been in the lane next to me called the police. For some reason I thought "she's a Christian. I just know she's a Christian."

A few minutes later when she got off the phone, she walked up to me and asked me if I attend HFBC! She said she just knew I was a Christian and she felt like she recognized my face.

So that's two premonitions in one night. Except I think the first one was more a judgment based on knowledge and probabilities and the second one was more the presence of the Holy Spirit. But ya know, who's counting...

A thought

The next time anyone tries to tell me the radio station I work for is really liberal, I am going to refer them to yesterday's post.

Dictators and Aliens

Walking through the parking lot this morning, I passed one of my co-workers and said hello. He responded in kind and then he glanced at a button I have pinned to my coat. The button is hot pink and says "I've been to Cuba." My co-worker asked me if I actually have been to Cuba and I assured him that it's true. He asked me a few questions about the country. I told him some of my impressions and shared with him about the extensive propaganda spread throughout the country by the Cuban government.

Next thing I know, my co-worker is informing me that if Hillary Clinton is elected president she'll quickly become a dictator along the lines of Fidel Castro. He informed me in a near whisper that the first thing she'll do as president/dictator is shut down all the AM radio stations. Then her second move will be to abolish the electoral college. Then he cast his eyes toward the heavens and pleaded for God to spare us from such a state.

That's when I began sending up silent prayers of my own that God would protect me from conspiracy theorists.

A few moments later, I was walking down the hall toward the elevator and I noticed a young woman out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't see her face, but I didn't recognize her. So I figured I should be cordial and say hello. She turned to look at me and I swear her face looked like an alien's. She had huge, wide-set eyes, a high forehead and flattened features. I only got a glimpse of her before she turned and walked through a doorway without saying a word. I peeked around the doorway to watch where she went and she was nowhere to be seen.

So I began sending up silent prayers that Mr. Conspiracy Theorist hadn't rubbed off on me.

I couldn't find you in a sermon
I couldn't find you in a song
I couldn't find you Sunday morning
and that's when I knew something had gone wrong
I couldn't see you in the reading
I couldn't hear you in my prayers
I couldn't feel you in my feelings
and I began to fear that you weren't there


Then I thought I heard a sound somewhere in me
You said to stoop way down and that's where you'd be...

I never thought I'd find you here, way down in my shame and fear
I never thought that you'd draw near to this - my faithlessness
I never thought to look for you in this ditch that I've been crawling through
I never thought you'd listen to the plea of non-religious me


They told me they'd be praying for me
then they showed me to the door
They made it clear that they'd ignore me
until I wasn't struggling any more
That's when I started feeling guilty
it must have been my fault somehow
If only I'd been stronger, maybe
I would not be in this mess right now


But then I saw a nail-scarred hand bleeding on me
You said "I understand" and you showed me mercy...


I never thought I'd find you here, way down in my shame and fear
I never thought that you'd draw near to this - my faithlessness
I never thought to look for you in this ditch that I've been crawling through
I never thought you'd listen to the plea of non-religious me


Blessed are the poor in spirit, the Kingdom will belong to them
Your love is strong but still they fear that you will never let them in
Lord I am a true believer, help me overcome my unbelief
I stepped out on the raging water and now I'm sinking in the sea


If we have no room for strugglers, where are they to go for answers?
Didn't Jesus ask his Father for another way?
And what does that say
About the way we handle people when their faith is fragile?
Even Jesus slipped and stumbled when he carried the cross
Now the curse is gone and in its place
Amazing grace!



~Ross King

%$#!*@$!#

My work computer appears to be in its final death throes.

His body broken for us

Last night at church, we shared the Lord's Supper. I really appreciate how we've been participating lately by standing up and walking to the table to receive the elements. I find it very beautiful to watch thousands of people silently streaming forward in a communal act of physically receiving the symbols of death and forgiveness.

The deacons of the church stood at the tables, serving the juice and bread. As I was waiting for my turn, I noticed that shards and crumbs from the wafers were scattered on the ground. Those crumbs and bits of bread represent Christ's body. The people of the church were trampling the pieces, crushing them underfoot. As my foot fell down on those crumbs and ground them into the carpet, it was such an incredible physical reminder of what my sins and the sins of those around me put Jesus through. He was trampled and crushed and ground into the dirt by the very people who depended on him for their salvation. By me.

I realize that for those of you who are Catholic or who have a Catholic background, this description of the treatment of the elements could be upsetting to you. It was upsetting to me. But it was upsetting in a powerful and beautiful way. I went back to my seat and ate the bread and drank the wine and thanked God for His mercy on me - chief among his tormentors and executioners.

***
Wounded and forsaken, I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten, feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King into the Master's courts
Lifted by the Savior and cradled in his arms...


I was carried to the table, seated where I don't belong
Carried to the table, swept away by His love
And I don't see my brokenness anymore
when I'm seated at the table of the Lord
Carried to the table, the table of the Lord.



Fighting thoughts of fear, wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup? This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness the Savior called my name
In His holy presence I am healed and unashamed...


As I'm carried to the table, seated where I don't belong
Carried to the table, swept away by His love
And I don't see my brokenness anymore
when I'm seated at the table of the Lord
I'm carried to the table, the table of the Lord.

~Leeland

Thoughts

I had a fling yesterday. You heard me right. "Why have a full on affair when you can have a fling?" Of course, I'm referring to a candy bar that my roommate brought back from New Zealand. It really is called a Fling. And it really does have that little catch phrase on the package. It was tasty.

It occurred to me this morning that I've had nine roommates. Nine! In the span of five years, no less. Fortunately, if I stay on track to keep my New Year's resolution, then my tenth roommate will be the final one.

Mike Huckabee was on the Colbert Report this week. I've seen him on there before. He's really funny. Is it bad that I would consider supporting him because I like his sense of humor? I suppose it's probably not the best idea to vote for the President of the United States and leader of the free world based on his ability to come up with a good punch line.

Oh, and on the Daily Show, Jon Stewart referred to Larry King as a "magical talking gnome." I haven't laughed so hard in ages.

Above Average

The average American woman owns 19 pairs of shoes. It's good to know I'm above average. But I must admit I had no idea how far I exceeded the norm when it comes to shoes. I know I have a lot of shoes, I just had no idea I had that many more shoes than is considered normal. In fact, just 15 percent of women own 30 pairs of shoes, according to the Consumer Reports National Research Center.

Confession: I have 31 pairs of shoes, not counting flip-flops and a few pairs that I've been meaning to give to Goodwill.

Live from City Hall

I'm blogging from City Hall...this could signal a huge turn-around in the outlook for my Wednesdays. If I have to be stuck in these meetings, at least I'll have the opportunity to mock the proceedings in real time. I am having some internet connectivity issues. I'm also concerned there may be some problems with this laptop, so I'm hoping this all works out.

Right now the Controller and Finance Administrator are giving their monthly financial reports to the councilmembers. Yawn. The most interesting thing that has happened so far was when the mayor lectured the new councilmembers on how to present their arguments around the table.

Damsel in Distress

I came home Sunday night to find an intruder in my house. He tried to attack me, but I fought back and killed him. I then had a problem: getting rid of the body. I couldn't do it on my own. I tried, but found myself unequal to the task. So I emailed four of my guy friends, asking if someone could help me.

One guy responded. One! Wow. I feel loved.

Irony

Just when you think you're alone and longing for companionship...you discover there's a giant cockroach in your kitchen.

Ever miss something you've never had?
I just feel a little alone.

Premonitions

Ever have a moment when you just know without a doubt that something is about to happen? That's happened to me several times lately. But I'm not talking about just a vague premonition. I'm talking about specific details. For example, last week I was heading home after having dinner with friends. I got in my car, put my purse on the seat and literally thought "I should pull my phone out of my purse because Alyssa is about to call me." Within 15 seconds, Alyssa called. Now Alyssa and I don't talk on the phone much and it's not an everyday thing for her to call me. But I somehow knew she was going to call.

It happened again last night. Twice. The first time was when I was again leaving the group and again I thought "Alyssa is about to call." Sure enough, seconds later my phone rang. She was calling to suggest that we, along with another friend, go get some coffee.

We drove to the coffee shop. Now, we were heading to a shop we don't often go to. It's not one of my regular haunts. But as we walked up to the cafe, I looked inside and saw several people sitting at tables. I made eye contact with one guy who I've never seen before, but as soon as I saw him I thought "someone we know is going to be inside." Guess what. We walked in and made it about five steps and saw a friend sitting at one of the tables. And what's even weirder is she was sitting with that guy that I had made eye contact with just moments before.

Now I just need to figure out how I can turn this to my advantage. I should work on having a premonition about what my future holds.

Battling My Fears

When I was about nine years old something horrible happened to me that has haunted me all my life. For years I avoided confronting the issue. That one moment has had repercussions for the past 20 years of my life. But about three weeks ago, I finally confronted my fears and have let go of that moment from the past.

I have found freedom and finally started using a round styling brush on my hair.

You thought this was going to be a serious QQ post, didn't you? So gullible.

You see, when I was young I had really long hair. So long I could sit on it. And one fateful day one of my older girl cousins was playing with my hair. She was brushing it and braiding it and just having fun. And she took a round hair brush and rolled it up in my hair...and it got stuck. Horribly stuck. My hair was all tangled up in it and she freaked out and started trying to tug it out and that hurt SO bad. So of course, I started crying and ran to get my mom. It took about half an hour to get that brush out of my hair.

Ever since then, I would never use a round brush. All my stylists through the years told me I needed to use one -- it would increase the volume. But always in the back of my mind I had memories of that awful experience with a round hairbrush.

But a few weeks ago I decided to confront my fears and start using a round brush. (It helps that my hair is about two feet shorter than it used to be.)

Freedom is a voluminous thing.

Resolution

I don't usually make New Year's resolutions. But this year I decided I should have at least one. The problem with resolutions is most people don't have the motivation to actually keep them. You pick something that you know you should work on, but you don't really want to work on. So you say to yourself "this year I am going to exercise more, eat better, quit procrastinating, save more money and give more of my time to volunteering." But you don't really feel like doing any of those things. So I have decided I need to set a resolution that I will actually want to accomplish.

That's why my New Year's resolution for 2008...is to have sex. I feel there is sufficient motivation for me to keep this one. Of course, I'm talking about sex after the wedding. So I suppose my actual resolution is to get married. "Find your mate in '0-8!"

Of course, I'd also settle for "Go on a date in '0-8."