Reality Bites: Part Trois

Men are incorrigible. Case in point:

Me: So what are the plans for tonight?

Guy: I'll come by and pick you up around 7pm. Any preferences for where you'd like to go?

Me: 7pm is spiffy. I'm open to pretty much anything from sushi to fish-n-chips, hole-in-the-wall or white linen. Basically if you're looking for a hot girl who has a sense of adventure and killer conversational skills, you've come to the right place.

Guy: Wow. If only the rest of my life could be this simple. Approached by a hot, easy, girl who is adventurous. The pulse is racing.

Me: Let's not get carried away. I'm pretty sure you're the one who brought up the word "easy." Was that a Freudian slip or were you hoping the power of suggestion would convince me?

Guy: Yes.

Reality Bites: Part Deux

A guy called and asked me to dinner and a movie. I referred him to yesterday's blog post.
Turns out he was a pretender.

Reality Bites

Me: Bill* wants to take me to coffee.

Guy #2: What did you tell him?

Me: I told him I really don't want to expand my group of fake dates.

Guy #2: Good. You don't have room in your life for any more "Guy #" friends. All the pretenders need to just step off. And the real ones need to step up.

Me: Great. I think that will leave me with only vacancies.

*Names changed to protect the innocent.

Dreamy

I had the craziest dream last night. I was in a sci-fi movie. Picture it as a sort of cross between The Fifth Element and The Lord of the Rings. My co-stars were Luke and Owen Wilson, Chris Rock, Cate Blanchett and Anthony Hopkins.

I only remember a few details from the dream: Cate Blanchett was in the hospital and Owen Wilson was her servant; Chris Rock was attacked by an alien substance that stuck to his face and blinded him; Anthony Hopkins was the bad guy; Luke Wilson joined me on a trek across a desert.

I promise I haven't been abusing any type of controlled substances.

I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done,
and wake up to your face against the morning sun.
But like everything I've ever known, you'll disappear one day.
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away.

A New Title...and More Muppets

I have a new title: Culinerd. That's a combination of the words "culinary" and (obviously) "nerd." I earned this title after making what I thought was an innocent and off-hand remark about the slight flavor of fennel seeds that I detected in a friend's entree. To be exact, the fennel seeds were in the Italian sausage which was part of the stuffing inside the chicken breast which made up the primary element of the entree. But I digress. As soon as the words "fennel seeds" were out of my mouth, a hush fell over the table as my friends looked at me, mouths agape, forks suspended in mid-air and then proceeded to laugh uncontrollably and mock me for what they termed my culinerd sensibilities.

Laugh all you want, you Cookery Commoners! You Pabulum Plebeians! You Viand Vulgars! Laugh all the way to my dinner table, where your laughter will be silenced as you ruminate upon your misdeeds and masticate the victuals set before you.

A Famous Culinerd

The Three Irish Tenors...sort of

My new 'Life Motto'

What have you done for me lately?

I'll explain later...

Not feeling well. Going to bed now.

Bethany, I beat you to it...

Hee Hee

Ouch

Some days are just harder than others, ya know?

I was born when I met you.
Now I'm dying to forget you.

I'm Famous

Yesterday I got quite a surprise. A friend emailed me and said she was surfing the net and headed over to blogHouston to check out what kind of criticisms they had for the media this week. For those of you who don't know, blogHouston is a group of citizens who offer a round-up of news stories they consider to be important to the region. They also critique local news reports and offer commentaries and suggestions. A lot of Houston journalists read this blog to see what these guys are saying about us. Anyway, the purpose of my friend's email was to alert me to the fact that blogHouston has linked to the QQ!

I checked it out and sure enough...there I am under the list of "Journo Bloggers" on the lower right side of the page. Wow. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, yes, I am a journalist. And yes, I am a blogger. But I'm not a journalist-blogger. I'm blogging about my personal life...not about Houston news happenings. All the other "journo bloggers" on that list are actually blogging about news. Most of them are blogging for their employers. I'm blogging about my fake dates and growing plants on my patio. Now everyone in Houston has a link to my blog. This could really increase my readership...but I'm not sure I'm prepared to answer questions if, for instance, the mayor asks me how things are going with Guy #1.

I might have to start blogging about "grown-up" things so people will take me seriously as a journalist. If anyone has any suggestions for grown-up topics, let me know. I've got nuthin'.

You Decide

I'm back. I missed all of you just as much as you missed me. I was out of town. It was a girls' weekend road trip. We had a great time and made a lot of memories. My favorite memory was photo-documented. The pictures below are of Katy doing an impression of something. She will probably kill me for putting these on my blog. So if the blog isn't updated tomorrow...somebody should come look for my body.

What do you think is going on in these pictures?

I hope I don't wake up.

Because waking up without you
is like drinking from an empty cup.

Pride & Prejudice

Last night a friend and I went to the theatre. We found our seats, settled in and relished the prospect of enjoying the performance. That is, until the people behind us were seated. I cannot begin to adequately describe how annoying these people were. They whispered (loudly!) to one another throughout the show. The woman kept making remarks on everything from the actor's accents to their looks. At one point she actually said "these girls aren't nearly as pretty as the ones in the movie." This woman was so loud...we could hear everything she was saying. Oh, and she would occasionally finish the actors' lines for them! She laughed really loud...and often laughed at inappropriate times when the rest of the audience was silent. Her husband kept playing with some sort of plastic candy wrapper...crinkling it over and over...and over and over. I'm not kidding. It was maddening. My friend and I kept looking at each other in amazement over the amount of noise this couple was making throughout the evening. I was definitely feeling proud that I wasn't acting as uncouth as that couple and I was absolutely prejudiced against them for being such annoying play-goers.

After the show, we were all leaving and I quickly glanced behind me to get a look at these ill-mannered, annoying people. Gah! I know them!! It was this sweet couple who used to own a business I worked for while I was in college. The lady was my boss for two years!!! I affectionately called her Granny Annie!!!! I quickly turned away before they could see me and told my friend we had to get out of there fast.

Then I felt bad. I know how sweet and genuine that couple is. I know how much they love the Lord. I know how many people they have poured into over the years. And I judged them based on their noisiness at a play. But what was even more convicting is that my judgment of them changed when I knew who they were. What if they had been total strangers? I would not have loved them with the love of Christ. I would not have shown them grace. I would have gone home still thinking of them with pride and prejudice in my heart. And that is a reflection on me...not on them.

Another Rescue

Last night a friend called me. I was at the store, so I let the call go to voicemail. When I checked the message I couldn't hear anything other than what sounded distinctly like a kitten meowing. Strange.

About an hour later my friend called back. I answered the call and she told me she had spent the evening at her grandparents' house. All evening long she kept hearing an odd whining sound. She thought perhaps it was some sort of machinery...but she said it sounded just like a kitten. She mentioned it to her grandparents, but they didn't know what it was. The evening progressed and the whining continued. Finally, the family decided to investigate. They searched the whole house and determined the noise was loudest in the kitchen. It really did sound like a kitten. A loud, upset meowing kitten. They looked in all the cabinets, behind the fridge and even pulled the dishwasher out to inspect the cavity behind it. Then they examined the walls and ended up removing an electrical outlet from the sheetrock.

My friend put her hand into the hole in the wall...and pulled out a kitten. Yep. There was a tiny kitten INSIDE the kitchen wall. She said it was dirty and covered with insulation. They checked the perimeter of the house for holes and couldn't find any openings. They have no idea how it got there.

Police Scene

I witnessed a police rescue today.

I was driving down Memorial heading to the station, when I noticed a police car pulled over in the median. As I approached, the officer got out of his car and walked into the middle of street. I slowed down and came to a stop as he walked into my lane. Then he bent over and picked something up from the middle of the road and walked back to his car.

It was a turtle.

Definition of Terms

Motivated: To provide with an incentive; to incite; impel; move to action

Unmotivated: see Laurie Johnson

Disclaimer

To my faithful readers,

I'm having a blog-identity crisis. I feel the need to explain myself. I don't want the QQ to cause anyone to question my ethics, morals or general good manners. I'd like to take this opportunity to say I am NOT dating two guys at one time (contrary to what many of you may believe). I am also not going on dozens of dates with various eligible men, nor am I being kissed by said eligible men. Everything you read on the QQ is true. But it's not the whole truth. Any kisses mentioned have been cheek-kisses. Any dates analyzed have been platonic outings between friends. Any flirting has been...well the flirting really is authentic. I've got to have some fun. Any real dates, kisses or potential relationships are not on the blog. Not now. Not ever.

Signed,
The Author

Snuggling is just one of the best feelings. Even better when it ends in falling asleep with your head on someones chest.

Laurie Letters

My roommate and I often write little notes and letters to one another. Sometimes they are notes of encouragement. Sometimes they are notes reminding us to take out the trash. This week the notes were of a more sinister sort.

Laurie 1 to Laurie 2:
Hey Mama!
There's a lizard in the house. He jumped out at me. I screamed. Just wanted you to know. Love you.
~Hottie

Four days later, Laurie 2 to Laurie 1:
LJ,
I killed the lizard! I used 1/2 a can of bug spray in the process. So the ozone layer is gone, but at least the lizard is too. Love you.
~Mama

We are all phantoms

This is just so cool.

Nostalgia

Today would have been a very good day for the Friday Funnies. Lots of material.

FF, I miss you!

Someone told me a lie. Someone looked me in the eye and said "time will ease your pain."

My So-Called (Dating) Life

I had a date last night. I have to say, I was really impressed by the guy. He did everything just right. He asked me in person. He gave me plenty of warning (asked on Sunday for a date on Wednesday). He emailed me the day before to confirm and tell me how much he was looking forward to it. He made two different plans and asked me whether I would prefer a low-key intimate setting or a night out, big-date setting. He picked me up. He planned the perfect evening (brought a bottle of wine and took me to a little Italian cafe where we sipped our wine and shared a brick-oven-baked pizza). He took me to another spot for coffee after dinner. He drove me home. He kissed me goodnight. He emailed me today to tell me how much he enjoyed the evening and to say he thinks we should go out again soon.

Oh, and conversation was great as well. In fact, considering the topics we covered, you'd think things were pretty serious between us. We talked about marriage and children (three kids was the consensus). We agreed on the type of honeymoon we want (quiet, laid back, secluded). We discussed our expectations on the frequency of...ahem..."intimacy" in a marriage. I'm not sure we're in agreement on this one as he seemed to think 3-4 times a day wasn't unreasonable. We discovered that he prefers to sleep on the right side of the bed and I prefer the left. And we talked about the different things we'd like to register for (me: a food processor, him: a leaf blower).

Too bad he's a guy I've known for years and it's a completely platonic relationship and this was just another friend-date. One day...one day...it'll be a "real" date. And I won't be blogging about it.

Here Comes the Bride, Where is the Groom?

Last night I had a dream that I was getting married. I can remember every detail of the dream. It was a destination wedding in the Mediterranean. Everything was beautiful. The bridesmaids' dresses were an unusual, but really lovely, shade of grass green with a pale pink ribbon. My whole family was there and a number of friends were in attendance. I remember feeling excited and nervous all at the same time. The wedding party walked down the aisle to the front of the church, and then it was my turn. There I was, wearing a beautiful dress, holding a bouquet of flowers, about to walk down the aisle and come face to face with my future husband...and then...I woke up. Blast! I didn't get to see who I was about to marry! What's the point of dreaming about getting married if I don't even get any useful information out of it?!

Sigh.

At least I know the bridesmaids' dresses were cute.

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Yesterday was bad. Very, very bad. To put this in perspective: one of the high points of the day was when some old lady hit my car. While it was parked. Yeah. That was one of the lesser bad moments. The others were worse. Much worse. Some of the moments were so bad that I can't even go into detail on the QQ. Suffice it to say you don't even want to know what happened. Fortunately, for every truly awful day there is a truly wonderful film clip to be found on the internet. So in celebration of better days to come, I give you Napoleon Dynamite as told by bunnies.

Plan B

You know how a lot of people have that one friend who has always been "just a friend"? It's the person that is always there for you when you need them. Always willing to spend time with you, encourage you and be your stand-in date. But you know you're never going to actually be "with" that person. There may be times when one or the other of you wants to change the relationship, but circumstances just don't seem to work out. So you end up making that person your Plan B. You know how the conversation goes: "If neither one of us is married in ten years, let's just marry each other."


I have that friend. My Plan B, if you will. Unfortunately, she's a girl. But she's pretty incredible and we've decided we'd make a great couple. There will be a lot of adjustments. I'm not sure I'm ready to live an alternative lifestyle. And taking her home to the family could be weird. But we talked about it last night and realized there are way more positives than negatives in this scenario. For example, she brought up the touchy (no pun intended) subject of sex. We'll have to go without. But I reminded her of two things: we're ALREADY going without AND all our married friends tell us it's not that great to begin with. So what could be viewed as a negative, actually turns out to be a positive. Another positive is we'll be able to meet each other's emotional needs much better than any man could do. So when I'm all weepy and needy...she'll know exactly what to do and how to respond. Whereas a man would just awkwardly pat me and tell me not to cry, all while wishing he were somewhere far, far away. Oh, and she already lives in The Montrose, so we'll be surrounded by others who are like us. It's always nice to live near other "special" couples.

So all in all, it seems like a win-win situation. Let the ten-year countdown begin.

Me and my future Honey

Check out my PP!

Project Patio is growing (no pun intended). I've added a water feature. My wonderful friends from my Sunday School class gave me a generous gift card to Home Depot and I was able to purchase a lovely little fountain, along with some more plants. The patio really looks quite inviting. Lately, the evenings have been cool enough to spend some time outside. I finally feel like my labor is starting to pay off. Earlier this week I actually spent an entire evening out there! I potted some plants and moved some large containers around and pruned some of them. I was dirty and sweaty and my hair was frizzed out to ginormous proportions from the humidity, but I loved every minute of it. I still don't think of myself as a gardener, though.
More like a Plant Momma.

Close-up view of the water feature

A water feature in its natural habitat

Party of Four(th)

Independence Day, 2007: The day started with several friends coming to my house for brunch. We feasted on breakfast casserole, sticky buns and pancakes (banana and blueberry). Then we sat around feeling sleek and happy and enjoyed the slow-moving pace of a drizzly holiday morning.

Most people left after an hour or two. But three friends stayed and we spent literally the entire day just hanging out: talking, eating, laughing, and enjoying our little party of four. Nothing special happened. In fact, the day was about as low-key as it could possibly get. Usually I am bustling about, getting things accomplished or running errands or simply moving from one spot to another. So yesterday was so refreshing -- to simply sit and be with friends. No agenda, no deadline, no demands or expectations. Just a quiet, cozy home filled with the comfort of familiar and beloved faces and the joy of uninterrupted conversation and fellowship.

I'm struck by the fact that I didn't do anything "patriotic" yesterday. I didn't sing the National Anthem. I didn't wear red, white and blue. I didn't wave a flag or even eat a hot dog or apple pie. But I did cherish my freedom. I did rejoice in the richness of the blessings God has given me. And I did remember that my entire life is a celebration of the Independence I have through the redemption and salvation of Jesus Christ. I love my country and am proud of my heritage as an American, but it is for eternal Freedom that Christ has set me free!

Star-struck

I met a movie star. Seriously. You've seen him. In fact, you probably laughed at his part in the film. Check out the clip. Watch for the scene where the two guys are sitting on the park bench. He's the one on the right. I know him.



He's one of the servicemen I interviewed yesterday.

Random Come-ons

Fact: I got a new haircut last week
Fact: Random men are flirting with me
Hypothesis (courtesy of Greg): New haircut = x-factor

It started on Saturday night. I went to the Astros game with several friends. After the game we were all walking out of the stadium. I was talking to someone in our group when I felt a hand slide along the back of my shoulders and rest on the back of my neck. I assumed it was someone from our group so I turned to look and see which of my friends was caressing me. Instead, I look up to see some guy standing there, looking down at me with a little smile on his face. "Um, hi," I said. "Hi," he replied. He just kept walking along with his hand on my neck. I was frantically trying to figure out what to do (do I know this guy? what is he doing? how do I get away?).

Right at that moment, Troy (who was walking nearby) noticed what was going on and grabbed me, put his arm around my shoulders and steered me away from the random guy. (Rabbit-trail moment: Men, we really appreciate when you serve us in these ways. I felt very vulnerable in that moment and it was great to have a Christian brother paying attention and providing a safety net.) Thanks for looking out for me, Troy!

The random flirting continued today. I interviewed three servicemen who have been discharged from the military and are now going through a program to help them reintegrate into civilian life. One of them, a Marine, was obviously flirting with me.

As I was interviewing him, I asked about the various injuries he had sustained during his time in the service. He listed off a whole litany of injuries (shootings, stabbings, knee injuries, stomach and muscle injuries etc). I told him it sounded like he was falling apart.

He replied "No way! I've still got it all together. In fact, what are you doing tonight? We should go dancing! Then I can show you all I've got to work with." Then he got this embarrassed look on his face and his buddies started teasing him that he was blushing. It was definitely a first in my job experience.

And for anyone who may be wondering, I told him I didn't think it would be very safe for me to go dancing with him...since he seems to be a magnet for shootings and stabbings.

Scandalous

I spent some time with Guy #2 last night. We had dinner together and then we went on a little evening road trip. I won't go into details, but at one point I had to tell him I wouldn't go skinny dipping with him.

March of the...

Penguins. Apparently I make people think of penguins. Remember this from way back when? I thought that was all behind me. Until yesterday. Troy sent me a link to an article he saw. It was about a prehistoric penguin. Scientists estimate the ancient bird stacked up to about five feet tall.

Troy: "I was amazed at a 5-foot penguin. I mean that is a huge bird!"
Me: "Seriously. Kinda scary, actually."
Troy: "Then I was thinking 'about how tall would a 5-foot penguin actually be?' and I thought of you."

Wow. I have no words...

Conflict Resolution

I did something very bad to my knee. I don't remember having anything against that knee. But for whatever reason, my knee is angry with me. I exacerbated the situation by slipping in the shower and nearly destroying my ability to walk. It was an accident, but now my knee won't even speak to me. Talk about holding a grudge. Geez. I told a friend about the falling out I had with my knee.
His response: "Well, Laurie, you're not 20 anymore."

My eyeballs hurt

I have to get up at 3:30 in the morning every day this week. 3:30!!! Which leaves me with a serious dilemma. Should I take a nap this afternoon and then stay up a little later, i.e. 9:30ish? Or should I stick it out and try to stay awake until this evening and go to bed around 8pm?

My brain says "don't nap, just go to bed early." My body says "are you freakin' kidding me?! I'm exhausted!"

What a predicament.

Sabbath Prayer

A Blessing on Daughters~ The Fiddler on the Roof

May the Lord protect and defend you,
May He always shield you from shame,
May you come to be, in Israel, a shining name.
May you be like Ruth and like Esther,
May you be deserving of praise,
Strengthen them O Lord, and keep them from the stranger's ways.

May God bless you and grant you long life,
May God fulfill our sabbath prayer for you.
May God make you good mothers and wives,
May He send you husbands who will care for you.

May the Lord protect and defend you,
May the Lord preserve you from pain.
Favor them, O Lord, with happiness and peace,
O hear our sabbath prayer
Amen.

Treachery

Last night, I lured Guy #2 over with promises of a home-cooked meal. After I enticed him with shrimp pad thai, I ensnared him with chocolate cake. Then I sent him home. With a bag of garbage.

Stayin' Alive

Yesterday after work I had to head out to Katy for a family dinner. The traffic was awful. I was listening to Damien Rice on my iPod.

Bad traffic + Sad music = Depressing commute.

Fortunately for me, Guy #2 called at just the right moment.

Me: Hey!
Him: Hey, are you still in your car?
Me: Yes, why?
Him: Tune your radio to 99.1
Me: Seriously?
Him: Yeah, 99.1. I want you to share a moment with me.
Me: Um, ok. Hang on...I have to find it. Do you often listen to 99.1?
Him: You're going to be glad...just tune in. This is going to make your commute better.
Me thinking: How does he do that?! I never told him I was having a rough commute.
Me out loud: Oh my gosh, I just tuned in. That is awesome!
Him: I know, right? There's nothing like a little disco to brighten your day.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please enjoy the following video as a recreation of the radio moment Guy #2 shared with me.

She puzzed and she puzzed til her puzzler was sore

A friend recently complained about a lack of entertaining content on the QQ. I wanted to make many sarcastic comments in reply. But I refrained and took the criticism as it was intended: a compliment upon the standard of "excellence" on this blog and a concern over the implication that I may be losing my passion for the medium.

Fear not, gentle readers! I still love maintaining the QQ and I have no intentions of leaving the blogosphere any time soon. The problem lately is one of perspective. I have to balance that which my audience will find entertaining with that which is appropriate to share in the public domain. This can be tricky. Furthermore, there just aren't that many funny or entertaining things happening to me of late. I seem to be in a dull season of life. The most exciting thing that has happened to me today is that I balanced my checkbook. Important, yes. Blog-worthy, no.

I've been brain-storming different things I could blog about. One thing that comes to mind is my on-again/off-again relationship with Guy #1. He's been in and out of the picture for weeks now. But no one wants to be bored by the petty details of my love life, or lack thereof.

I could blog about my new abode. But the excitement of installing a thermostat pales in comparison to the former thrills and chills of the hellhole.

I could blog about my travels, but I haven't had any.

I could blog about Tom, but he's been in Korea and hasn't had any new adventures for me to chronicle.

I could blog about creepy stalker guys, but they've abandoned me.

I could blog about the PP, but I've been too busy lately to make any progress on it.

Or I could blog about pretty much nothing, and turn it into a fairly long blog entry. Hmmm. Brilliant.

Yikes! My Dad is wearing Bling!

My dad is usually very hard to shop for. He doesn't have any hobbies. Seriously. Not one. He doesn't do anything. Seriously. I mean it. He doesn't go anywhere. Seriously. Nowhere. I'm not exaggerating.

So this year I was really excited when my brother told me that my dad made a special request for a Father's Day gift. Dad saw a ring that he really liked and told my brother that's what he wanted. In fact, he wanted it so badly that he reminded my brother about it nearly every day and would frequently ask whether it had been purchased yet. My brother told me he would go get the ring and we could go in on it together. I was so relieved to not have to come up with a gift idea.

Then I saw the ring...
I think the picture speaks for itself.

Friday Funnies: Final Edition

Things that made me laugh this week:

"They're probably thinking we're gay."

"I'm more freaked out about my hair than anything else. God will give me the words to say, but I feel responsible for bad hair."

"If I were a girl I'd be pregnant all the time...cuz I just can't say no."

"We should get coffee or something...maybe I could be Guy #542635."

"I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning, and you weren't helping."

Engrish

My roommate just got back from a two-week mission trip to China. I got home late last night to find she left two souvenirs in my room for me. One was an adorable little green teapot. (Troy, no jokes.) The other was a small plastic package with a piece of cloth inside. Huh? I couldn't figure that one out until I noticed the small print. There are several Chinese characters on the package and underneath them is the English translation which reads like this:

"Hygiene Wet Turban Needless Wash"

It took me a little while to figure it out, but in other words:

"Disposable Sanitary Moist Towelette"

Smiling

I just got a four-word email from a friend that totally made my day.

"I heart you, Laurie."

Sometimes a simple little sentence makes all the difference.

Testing the Waters

I'm thinking of discontinuing the Friday Funnies...
Just thought I'd put that out there...
Don't hate...

The Rare and Elusive Serious QQ Blog Post

Last week was pretty rough for many reasons. Emotionally, physically and spiritually I was a bit of a mess. It all kind of culminated over the weekend. On Saturday I felt like crud and on Sunday I was moody and mentally all over the place.

But God, in His eternal faithfulness, reminded me how intimately He knows me and how sweet His love is for me. He reminded me how blessed I have been to be able to minister to others. He allowed me to truly accept praise from others for my own acts of service and to receive with grace and humility an act of heart-felt service from a friend. He taught me how tender and humbling it can be to allow someone else to take care of me. He gave me the wisdom and strength to comfort others and He sent others to comfort me. And He assured me that He has not forgotten me and He will never forsake me.

So this week I am still emotionally, physically and spiritually a mess. I always will be. And God always will be able to handle that.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I've been sleeping with dogs. Literally."

"I had several parties in my mouth."

"I do crazy things when I'm in the Spirit."

"I haven't cuddled with an XY in years."

Me, Myself and I

Today...

I like the shoes I'm wearing.

I don't like my hair.

I don't have much work to do.

I'm okay with that.

I'm in pain.

I'm unsettled.

I don't know why.

I'm waiting for people to call me.

I'm not looking forward to taking the calls.

I feel sort of sad.

I'm okay with that.

I'm hungry.

I'm too tired to go get something to eat.

I need a hug.

I want a kiss.

I won't get either.

I still don't like my hair.

I want to jump in a puddle.

I think about myself too much.

I don't have anything else to blog about.

The Single Life

Everything I want to blog about right now is confidential, off-limits or too juicy for the blog.
It's killing me.

Complimentary Parking

I had lunch with a hot guy today. Ladies, he's available. Let me know if you want his number. Or better yet, let me know if you want me to give him your number.

But back to my point.

There was a cute shiny car parked next to ours and he accidentally dinged the door. Upon which he informed me he had a compliment for me and a large group of women (which is better than having a compliment for me and a group of large women, but again I digress).

He said dinging the car reminded him of something God was asking him to submit himself to. Which in turn reminded him of something he appreciates about me and many other women he knows. He said it's very pleasant, exciting and attractive to see Christian women who allow and even encourage the men around them to take the lead. He noted how difficult it can be to submit to God's will and acknowledged how it must be difficult for women to submit, not only to God, but to the men of the Church as well. He expressed gratitude and appreciation for the women who so willingly submit to, follow and serve with the men around them.

Then he said I could feel free to let other women know how much men appreciate these qualities.

He also said I should make him look really good when I blogged about him.

The Intimidator

I had an interesting conversation with a guy friend on Saturday. We were talking about the reasons that some women may be particularly intimidating to men. For example, many men are intimidated by incredibly beautiful women. They may consider the woman to be "out of their league" or simply presume they'll get shot down if they ask her out. After all, why would a goddess want to go out with a mere mortal?

There's another group of women that can be intimidating. It's the girls who are strong-minded, independent thinkers with clear opinions. They're women who aren't afraid to speak their minds. They don't back away from debate and are willing to challenge others. This can be very intimidating. I told my friend I suspect I fall into this group.

He quickly set me straight. "Actually," he said, "when I first met you, I wasn't intimidated by you. I just got the impression that you knew exactly what you were looking for...and I wasn't it."

Wow. Just what I need. Apparently I give the impression that all you guys should just go ahead and eliminate yourselves from being candidates because if you don't, then I will.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh (last) week:

"I've never been called a wench before."

"If love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular?"

"I can stop the Tom-train before it even leaves the station."

Me: "Ok. You win."
Him: "Troy=9 Laurie=1,437. I'm gaining on you."

Absolutely Ridiculous

I bought the most ridiculous pair of shoes the other day. I was at DSW looking for a pair of stylish, but sensible, black heels for work outfits. Just as I was about the leave the store, my glance fell on a pair of shoes that literally caused me to catch my breath. It was like love at first sight. I tried to stay grounded, reminding myself that they probably weren't my size and even if they were, they would probably be out of my price range.

But love doesn't listen to reason.

I picked up the box and discovered to my joy that they were my size. (Okay, they're actually a little big. I wear a 7. These are a 7 1/2.) They're probably way too expensive, I thought. I checked the price tag. They were marked 40% off of an already reduced price. In fact, with the reductions they would end up costing less than $40. Could it be possible? Does love ever work this way? It's true, dear friends. Some stories do have happy endings. Some people are lucky enough to have their dreams come true. And some shoes can make a girl happy.

The above shoe is NOT an example of a stylish, but sensible, black heel.

My PP

I have patio furniture! On Monday, Fountain and I drove out to Katy to pick up this set from my mom. She decided she didn't want it any more. So I am now the owner of free patio furniture. Project Patio is starting to take shape! I think the next phase will be a water garden.

Of course, by the time I get everything in place, it'll be so freakin' hot outside that we'll all just look at the patio from inside the air conditioned comfort of the living room.

Weekend Wrap-up

Drove a friend to the airport. Baked bread. Replaced thermostat. Napped. Partied. Lunched with the girls. Shopped. Went to church. Drove to Katy. Picked up patio furniture. Washed laundry. Partied. Pruned plants. Chilled with one of the girls. Watched a movie. Reluctantly admitted the weekend was over.

Homemade Bread: Before

Homemade Bread: After

Friday Funnies: The Anniversary Edition

Today is my two-year blogiversary! On this day, two years ago, I began what would become one of the most meaningful relationships of my life. Okay, perhaps that's an overstatement. But it has been really fun and I hope it continues for at least another...whatever...

Anyway, in celebration of Two Years of Dedicated Service to my QQ readers, I am posting some of the Greatest Hits of the Friday Funnies. I actually combed through every FF entry and culled my favorites out of the bunch. Enjoy!

These are the things that made me laugh each week:

"My mother is pushy and stubborn. You would like her."

"Would you really want your speedo mounted anywhere else?"

"Quick! Tell her she's pretty!"

"I'm looking forward to meeting Laverne and Shirley."

"All metaphors should be cold and delicious."

Me: "Because of you, I'm not getting any."
Guy: "Sleep! She's referring to sleep!"

"Are you two involved in a bro-mance?"

"I'm nobody's bubba."

Me: "I bought a new dress for our date."
Guy: "Me too."

"I hope I didn't pressure him with my eyes."

"I think I bit Laurie on Thanksgiving Weekend."

"Are you practicing safe text?"

"I need to work on my Schlitter-body."

"I'm glad our church supports pagan fertility rituals."

"I touched your boob with the love of the Lord."

"Giving me my own radio show would be like giving an atomic bomb to Kim Jong-il."

"You can't put that on a felt board."

Overjoyed

You'll never believe what I received this week! A couple of days ago, I checked my office mailbox and noticed a large white envelope. It was inter-office mail from another department. I opened it and nearly fainted with the extreme joy and honor of receiving a Certificate of Recognition in Sincere Appreciation of 5 Years of Dedicated Service!

That's right. I've worked here for five years now and that kind of dedication does not go unrewarded. I am so proud of my Certificate of Recognition. It is SO much better than a bonus.

I'm in love

I met an incredible person today and fell totally in love. Her name is Lula. That's right. She's a she.

Lula is in her 70's. She is what I term a spitfire. She is sassy, smart and hilarious. She writes love poems to her husband, who she's been married to for 52 years. She wears bright red dresses. She likes to dance. She laughs at her own jokes. She is friends with everyone. She loves telling stories. She is beautiful.

I hope I can grow up to be like Lula.

It's nearly 4pm

I just realized I forgot to eat lunch today.

Call me Martha

I don't have any plans on Saturday. So I have decided I am going to install a new thermostat in our house and bake homemade bread. I am super excited about the bread. I don't make it very often because it's so time-consuming. But it's one of my favorite things to bake. Nothing compares to the incredible aroma of warm, yeasty bread filling the whole house. And nothing compares to the taste of homemade, fresh-from-the-oven bread. Delightful.

If you're in the neighborhood, drop by and join me for a slice.

Got Creeps?

The following is a transcript of an actual voicemail message I received.

"Hi Ms. Johnson...this is Greg Leach with Leach's Creepy Guy Exterminator Service. I was...uh...notified you were having some...uh...issues with a certain individual and I just wanted to call and offer my services...and just so that you can have all the information...I do take cookies as payment. So please give me a call back when you get a chance...and when you stop laughing."

I have decided to contract for services with this company. For any of you who may be having similar problems, I'll let you know if I am pleased with the work performance and will be happy to provide a referral.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"There are definitely feet in that movie."

"I can hold my water."

"Lord, we pray that NPR would become a Christian, conservative talk show. Amen."

"I am the smartest woman alice. I mean alive."

"I figured that would be a good picture for you to get some ideas on what you could have in your garden."

"NPR Ultimate Fighting Challenge."

"Your mom is the true American Idol."

"You can't put that on a felt board."

"We have matching lip gloss. It'll confuse peeps even more. They won't know who to kiss."

"I realized that I am afraid of men. Crazy, huh? Especially since I like them so much."

Creepy Stalker Fan

Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call at the office. One of my co-workers answered the phone and the person on the other end asked to speak to me. So I took the call. The man on the phone proceeded to tell me how much he enjoyed listening to the station.

"Oh, that's nice. It's always good to hear from a listener who likes what we're doing."

Then he started talking about how much he loves listening to my stories and how I sound like I really love my job.

"You're very kind."

Now he's talking about how great our website is. He's been looking around on there and...oh...by the way...he noticed my picture. It's in black and white. He really likes it. He thinks I look very...nice. He was thinking maybe he could mail me a card or something...if there's an address he could mail it to. He really likes that picture of me.

"Thanks for calling! Have a great day! Buh Bye!"

The Apple...

Doesn't fall far from the tree. Apparently shadiness is in my DNA. It runs in the family.

I was talking to my mom this week when she told me she was thinking about changing jobs. She works as a nurse in Labor & Delivery. She usually works the overnight shift, and she gets tired of it. So I was expecting to hear her say she was thinking about leaving the hospital to work at a clinic. I was wrong. My mom looks at me with a completely straight face and says...

"I think I'm going to start a phone sex company."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Mom: "Yeah. I'm already used to working nights and I figure it would be really easy. I've already thought of a name for the company: Night Nurses."

Me: *absolute and utter silence*

Mom: "I figure all I have to do is say things like 'Oh Baby' and ask questions."

Me: "Ask questions?"

Mom: "Yeah. Like 'do you know what I'm touching right now?' Things like that."

Me: "Please don't ever mention this conversation again. I feel sick to my stomach."

Of course, my mom was just joking. I think.

Drum Roll, Please

You know her. You love her. Please welcome bbrown to the blogging world. The blog is really great...and not just because I've already been mentioned by name in one of her entries.

She'll be signing autographs at her next public appearance.

How does your garden grow?

Project Patio is actually starting to look pretty. My mom is all excited that I am gardening now. She has always loved to garden, so I think she feels like I am following in her footsteps. Plus, she knows a lot about plants and can teach me some mad gardening skills. It's sort of a bonding thing.


She bought me a watering can (see photo). She also gave me a lovely Boston Fern and a red bromeliad (see second photo).


See the container on the ground next to the gate? That's an entire "Laurie-themed" container garden. She picked out all the plants because they made her think of me. The plants represent my love of cooking, my faith and my girliness. So the container holds a Shrimp plant, "Grape Expectations" Coleus (which also gives nod to my love of literature), Pineapple Coleus , Wandering Jew, Angel Wing Begonia, Pink Polka-Dot plant, Blusher Coleus and Maidenhair Fern among other things.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

On snoring:
"There's no way his lungs could possibly make that kind of noise."

"Don't burn your butt when you sit down."

On the subject of guys and girls liking each other:
"Not those two. Those two."

"Have you heard the one about the narcoleptic bird?"

"We are not going to indiscriminately snuggle."

"I have no words for you. You are mean and evil. I loathe you, Laurie, I loathe you."

Big Plans

I've been on vacation all week. Each day has had a theme.
Monday = "Perfect Hostess Day"
Tuesday = "Errands and Details Day"
Wednesday = "Catch Up with Friends Day"
Thursday = "Trendy Cosmopolitan Day"
Tomorrow, Friday, was supposed to be "Beach Day"

The forecast for tomorrow is "mostly cloudy with a good chance of showers and thunderstorms. Strong storms will be possible with gusty winds, hail and heavy rain."
Not exactly Beach Day weather.

So now...
Friday = "Stay in My PJs and Watch Movies Day"

Taking up my cross

Yesterday I was feeling a little sad. It was just one of those days. So this morning I began contemplating some of that sadness and examining my emotions. The Lord brought to mind a particular wound in my heart that seems as though it will never heal.

I began to cry out to the Lord about that pain and sorrow and I said out loud "This is killing me, God. You're killing my heart with this sorrow."

Right in that moment the Lord responded and said "Yes, I am. I am killing all the things in you that are not from me. I am killing every thought, every emotion, every hurt and every comfort that keep you bound. I will put to death all of those things, and it will hurt. But it is my good and perfect plan for you."

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ~ Galatians 2:20

The Adventures of Tom

It's time for Tom to make another appearance on my blog. He's quite the guy. There aren't many men out there who get their own blog entries on the QQ.

So here's what I learned about Tom over the course of a weekend spent in East Texas.

If I had needed him to, he could have foraged for roots and berries, killed and butchered a wild hog, built a shelter, created natural mosquito repellent and sunscreen, and rescued me out of a burning building.

As it was, all he actually had to do over the weekend was play some serious sand volleyball, wear a dress, rendezvous by the containment pond, show off a boar tusk, kill a cockroach and rescue a puppy out of a burning building.

You really should get to know Tom.

Help!!!

I don't know what to get for my mom for Mother's Day. Ideas?

Retreat Recap

I really want to blog about my East Texas Adventures from the weekend, but it's hard to know where or how to begin. I think maybe a list of bullet points will get the message across without going into the whole story.

• 100 miles on my car just to get dinner
• La Enchilada...like a Taco Cabana gone bad
• El Burrito. Nuff said
• Shrimp Boat Manny's...finest seafood in Livingston
• Containment Pond...not Consummation Pond
• Birds falling out of the sky
• Centipedes vs. Scorpions
• Foraging for roots and berries
• Romantic three-party walks around the lake

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I was jaded by his tallness."

"Council Votes to Cage Children."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to grab you there."

"I guess this means we're getting a new mom and dad."

On the subject of the Dalai Lama being nearly 40 minutes late for a lecture:
"The Dalai Lama is either a procrastinator, disorganized, anal, or he is implicitly giving a lesson on patience. Whatever it is, I like it."

Growing Herb

Phase One of Project Patio is going well. I planted an herb garden. I now have a thriving patch of chives, dill, cilantro, marjoram and basil. Last night I used some of the cilantro with mashed avocado and dry spices to make a rustic guacamole. Tonight I plan to use some of the basil in a fresh tomato salad. It makes me feel like I am doing my part to promote a sustainable lifestyle.

Pearly Confusion

Buying toothpaste sets my teeth on edge.

I went grocery shopping last night and made it all the way through the store without having to make a complicated decision...until I got to the toothpaste aisle. Suddenly I was confronted with a multitude of options. I had more choices than a Chinese buffet.

Whitening. Extra Whitening. Pro-Health. Cavity Protection. Tartar Protection. Tartar Protection Whitening. Baking Soda Peroxide Whitening with Tartar Protection. Maximum Strength Sensitivity Protection Whitening Plus Scope. Gel. Paste. Mint. Vanilla Mint. Citrus Clean Mint. Green Tea Mint. Lemon Ice. Cinnamon.

And all of that JUST from Crest. Don't even get me started on Colgate, Aquafresh, Aim, Sensodyne, Oral-B...

I don't even know which one I purchased.

An Alarming Trend

Yesterday morning I woke up two hours before my alarm went off and I couldn't go back to sleep.

Today I woke up 45 minutes before my alarm went off.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Project Patio Update

I have discovered a drawback to Project Patio. Various creatures begin to think you are creating a new habitat just for them. I'm not afraid of lizards, but there's something a little bit creepy about reaching out to grab the doorhandle and realizing you nearly grabbed a lizard instead. I used the flash so he would show up in the picture, but it was actually very dark out there and I didn't see him until it was almost too late.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"When I get old and lose all my teeth, will you come over and chew my food for me?"

"I was my mom's moist little birthday present."

Guy on the subject of boxer-briefs:
"A noble attempt, but you always lose something with a hybrid."

"There is a Laurie Johnson on Ellen right now and she is black. Coincidence? I think not."

Guy: "Um, this will be my version of the brazilian wax."

Me:
"I think I am going to re-name my garden 'Project Patio.'"
Friends:
"Then we can call it PP for short!"
"Yeah! We can say things like 'how is your PP, Laurie?'"
"Oh! How about 'Have you seen Laurie's PP lately?'"

"To hell with legalism. Let's booze it up."

"Be careful, or I will break a slate over your head."

More Flowers

Flowers again this week. I feel very loved.

Two Thoughts

There's something sort of romantic about drinking hot tea.
The romance is lost when you're drinking it out of a styrofoam cup.

From bad to worse

I'm getting sick.

Whew

Aren't we supposed to get rest on the weekends? Sigh.

My weekend was supposed to look like this:

Friday: Get off early and drive to Gruene, TX for a girls' weekend with my mom, gramma and aunt.

Saturday: Spend the day shopping and being touristy, then drive to Austin for a journalism awards banquet.

Sunday: Drive back to Houston and celebrate my birthday with a few friends.

My weekend actually looked like this:

Friday: Go to work at 8am to cover a soldier's memorial service. Wrap up that story and prepare to leave the office when we get the alert of a gunman on campus at the Johnson Space Center. Drive to JSC and report live from the scene for the next six hours. Leave JSC at 9pm, head back to the station and file reports for the national news desk and write a version for use the next morning. Leave the office at 10:30pm. Get a call from my mom telling me my pawpaw fell down and broke his hip.

Saturday: Leave my house at 7:30 to go to hospital. Sit with my pawpaw for five hours, waiting for other family members to show up from out of town. Drive back home and eat food for the first time in about 17 hours. Crash in bed and nap for an hour. Get up, shower and join others for dinner. Drive back out to Katy to visit pawpaw and spend the night with my family.

Sunday: Get up at 5:30, shower, pack and head to the hospital in time for the 7am surgery. Sit at hospital for five hours. Visit pawpaw in ICU after the surgery. Go to lunch with family. Drive home and get ready for church. Go to church. Go home and cry. A lot.

I think I got an average of five hours of sleep each night, along with an unhealthy dose of stress and emotional fatigue. My body aches today and all I want to do is go home and hide in my bed under the blanket. But instead, I get to work late tonight. Yay.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Way to go, Bulldog."

"By the way, I found my underwear."

"I'm a retorter, you're a reporter."

Him: "I was really frustrated because she was trying to tell me how to do my job."
Me: "So you didn't like that she was giving you lip?"
Him: "Well, let's not get carried away. I am still a man, after all."

"You should hide a message in a code on your blog. See if he finds it."

"Have fun at small groups...talking about whichever guy is the flavor of the week."

"This could be our chance to beat the crap out of a teenage kid, just like we've always dreamed of doing."

My Day Off

I took the day off. Here's what my day off will look like:

5:15am-Alarm goes off.
6:00am-Leave my house.
6:20am-Arrive at friend's house. Proceed to cook breakfast.
7:00am-Friend comes downstairs to find me cooking in the kitchen. Friend is quite surprised and very pleased.
7:15am-Eat breakfast with one surprised friend and one friend who was in on it all along.
8:30am-Clean up the kitchen and head home.
9:00am-Laundry.
10:30am-Get eyebrows waxed.
10:45am-Grocery shopping.
11:30am-Unload groceries. More laundry. Fix a light lunch.
11:45am-Blog.
12:15pm-Nap.
2:15pm-Make phone calls relating to personal business matters.
2:45pm-Write list of class-related items for discussion.
3:00pm-Clean bathroom.
3:30pm-Wash sheets.
4:00pm-Check mail. Go for a short walk.
4:30pm-Start preparing dinner for another friend.
5:45pm-Friend arrives for dinner.
6:00pm-Eat dinner with friend.
7:15pm-Leave my house.
7:35pm-Arrive at home teams.
10:00pm-Return home. Pack for weekend trip.
Midnight-Go to bed.

Warm Fuzzies

There's something about getting flowers that just makes me melt.

Project Greenspace

Remember the project I mentioned the other day? Right now, we have a covered patio with a bare brick floor and wood panel walls. I want to transform it into a lovely garden wonderland. I envision a space filled with plants, rocks, twinkle lights, candles, a seating area and perhaps a water feature. Here are pictures of what it looks like now.

Out for a Stroll

I was walking downtown the other day and ran into an old friend.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Spring smells good. It's like God took the whole season out of the dryer and shook it."

"Laurie Goo. My favorite."

Me: "Don't get your panties in a wad."
Him: "Actually, I'm not wearing any."

"We have HR now. No more sexual harassment or anything fun like that."

"I do not like coconut in my pies or cookies. I will not eat it with flies or wookies."

"We're living in the state of big-haired, big-boobed blondes cooked in the sun over-easy."

"The Word of God is sexy on him."

"Giving me my own radio show would be like giving an atomic bomb to Kim Jong-il."

Visions of Grandeur

I'm brainstorming a new project. I'm all kinds of excited about it. The only person I've shared the details with is Troy. I've been annoying him with internet links on the subject and asking his opinion about various elements. He offers insightful comments like "that's nice" or "I think that would be lovely" or "interesting." He's loads of help. But I digress...

The next step is to take things offline and get my hands dirty. I'll need to talk with some experts to find out exactly how I should move forward. This project could get expensive fairly quickly, so I'll need to set a budget. I hope to document the whole thing here on my blog. It should be riveting. My goal is to start on Sunday. Stay tuned.

Lunch and a Show

There's this story I've been wanting to blog about all week, but I just don't know where to even start. A friend of mine alluded to it on her blog. She left it up to me to elaborate.
Oh Mommy.

It started out with one white girl and one black girl going on an adventure in soul-food. (I was the white girl, in case anyone was wondering.) We thought it was going to be an afternoon of fried catfish, smothered pork chops and sweet potato pie.

It turned out to be afternoon filled with stories about a 6'7" drag queen named Lou-Lou who wanted to have a baby and who was told there was no way in H-E-Double-hockey-sticks he was ever going to be able to squeeze a baby out his you-know-what. Except those weren't the words used. The real words were used. Along with another word that starts with "mother" and rhymes with "trucker" but doesn't have much to do with parenting.

Did I mention we were the only two people in the restaurant? We were considered the "audience" and were given quite a show. It was like having tickets to the theatre. Except it was at less than half the price...and it was the R-rated version.

Aim High

I added an item to my wish list. I figured since my amazing friends came through for me with the mixer, I might as well throw another hint out there. You never know when your wishes may come true. ;)

Good and Bad

Good: I ordered a grande latte at Starbucks. The barista gave me a wink and a smile and said he "accidentally" made me a venti instead.

Bad: I dropped my contact lens in the sink and rinsed it down the drain.

Friday Funnies (on Saturday)

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Girls are usually the ones accused of manipulating, but I do it as well. That's why it's called MANipulation."

"I woke up this morning...to the sound of your voice."

"I've developed a whole new sin."

"What I need is the love of a good woman."

"I touched your boob with the love of the Lord."

"You can be my hood ornament any time."

"These cushions we're rubbing our butts on are really expensive."

"At least I know someone is attracted to me...he's a middle-aged homeless man...but at least it's something."

"I think you have reached the point of humor self-actualization."

"I want to make several jokes about Satan having your phone number, but none of them are even close to being in good taste."

"Scientists tell us we only use 5% of our brains. But if they only used 5% of their brains to reach that conclusion, then why should we believe them?"

Tragedy! Horror! Disaster!

I left my notes for the FFs at work. Tune in tomorrow.

Mail Call

I got a letter in the mail yesterday. It was addressed to me, with no return address. On the back, someone wrote "Photos Enclosed. Do Not Bend." The envelope looked like someone had put it through the washer and dryer before mailing it. There was nothing inside.

Weird Day

That's all.

Hollywood...glamour

I had a movie-moment last night.

Most of us have pictured ourselves in that perfect movie scene. For the girls, it's that moment when the man she loves finally comes to his senses and realizes that yes, he IS actually madly in love her, then he pulls her into his arms and kisses her.

For the guys...well I don't know what movie-moment guys want to be in. I'm guessing it's the one where the hero commandeers the spaceship and then proceeds to dismantle the bomb just seconds before it goes off, while simultaneously fending off a half-dozen martial-arts experts while also exchanging witty innuendo with the amazingly hot and scantily-clad female sidekick. But that's just a guess.

Naturally my movie-moment would fall more along the lines of slapstick than romantic comedy. No Hollywood-sweep-her-off-her-feet kisses for me. No such luck. Instead, picture to yourself the lovable but doomed heroine who stands near the street, waiting for Mr. Right to come around the corner. She pauses for just a moment, and in that split-second...a car comes zooming by and splashes a gigantic puddle all over her.

Yes. That happened to me. No. You can't make this stuff up.

Gasp!

This may be the cutest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. You must watch all the way to the end to understand what I mean.