Rebuttal

Dear Todd,

Being 30 and single is not a bad thing. But your list of reasons for being glad you're single is all wrong. Please review my rebuttal and take notes.

1. You never have to share the covers, but you also never get to share your bed.
2. You already put the toilet seat down. This is not a valid reason because no woman will ever have to make you do what you already do.
3. If you've ever had to wonder whether that particular pair of underwear is clean or dirty, then this method does not work as well as you think it does.
4. See #1
5. Ummm, ewwww.
6. The leftovers from home-cooked meals make very nice lunches.
7. Order something she doesn't like.
8. This one is tricky. The best I can come up with is: back row, lights out, who cares what's on the screen, an extra ticket is a small price to pay...
9. Great, so you're just going to bottle it up inside and let it consume you from within.
10. Less family = Less presents
11. Watch something she does like.
12. Some of us don't like chick flicks...give us some credit.
13. Being married means you can act like you're hanging out with the guys even when you're with your wife. Just ask Dustin.
14. Hanging out with females vs. getting some action from your hot wife...hmm, tough one.
15. Just remember: When you decide not to shave your face, she might decide not to shave her legs.
16. How is this a difficult question? There is clearly only one answer and that is: "Of course not, honey. You're hot!"
17. Or you can notice the new haircut and get MAJOR points.
18. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone else to blame?
19. And no one to spend it on...
20. All alone.
21. Think of weddings as a means to an end. They get us in the mood for luv.
22. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. You do want to be a man of God, don't you?
23. See #2.
24. Talking in your sleep would actually be kinda cute.
25. Better-Dealer
26. You also never, EVER get to purchase lingerie. Think about it.
27. BOR-ING. And not true. You still feel the repercussions from your girl friends.
28. "Fun single events" like...eating out and seeing movies and watching the playoffs...? Yeah, you're right. You can't do those things as a couple. No way.
29. Wow. It makes me sad that you list sleeping on the floor as one of the pluses of being single.
30. Well, this whole rebuttal blew that theory out of the water.

*********
Nota Bene:
Don't freak out, people. I got permission to write a rebuttal to Todd's list. Isn't that submissive of me? ;)

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I bet they weren't getting massages."

"I am trying to come up with a Top 30 Reasons I am glad I am Single...but I can't get past 3."

"Adam and Eve realized they were buck naked."

"I think we all just witnessed a mass DTR."

"God, you know I can be a real jackass sometimes."

Under-Achiever

I just got back from my assignment. I was interviewing the sponsors and participants of a science camp for inner city youth. I now feel stupid. Seriously, these 13-year-old students are smarter than I will ever be. I wish you all could have been there for the interviews. There I am, surrounded by engineers and astronauts who are demonstrating scientific and mathematical formulas. I am talking to this scrawy kid with glasses who looks an awful lot like Urkel and he's telling me about the robots they've been building this week. He's going on and on about how great it's been to participate in biology, math and physics classes all week and how he is so excited about one day becoming an aerospace engineer. He's 13, people!

Hello, Hello

The other night I was involved in a minor car accident. I scratched a car as I was pulling alongside of it while parallel parking. It was totally my fault. The owner wasn't around, so I left a note on the car. Did I mention it was a BMW? Dang it!

The owner has since called me back and we met. Can I just say...he is HOTT!!! And sooo nice! He's not even really that worried about the damage and told me not to stress about it. He's friends with my next-door neighbor and told me the next time I see his car parked out front, I should drop by and say hello. To which I say "Hello, Hello." ;)

The Break-up

I have a problem. I have two days to figure out how to break-up my roommate and her boyfriend. Dave is taking Dinah to see The Lion King on Thursday night. Several weeks ago, Dave made a deal with me that if he and Dinah were to break up for any reason, he would take me with him to see the show. Ever since then, I have been praying hard for the demise of their relationship. They are still going strong and my chances of getting that free ticket are rapidly evaporating. Anyone have any good ideas on how I could facilitate a break-up within 48 hours?

I'm losing my funny

It's happening. I've been trying to fight it. I've been trying to avoid it. I keep telling myself it just can't be. But I can't run from the truth any longer. I'm not as funny as I used to be. I don't know when the downward spiral started. I suspect it may directly correlate to the number of roaches in my life. My funny meter was still full when I moved into the hellhole. It seems to have steadily dwindled since then. (Random observation: I like the word "dwindled.") I collect funny people around me, which makes me seem funny. But I have a sinking feeling that I'm not as funny as people think I am. I fear my funniness is all a ruse. I'm just a foil for the funniness of others. Even the "Friday Funnies" are quotes that other people said; none of them come from me. If the trend continues, there is great potential that I could become downright boring and un-in-ter-est-ing. Blech.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"It's a good thing we have our umbrellas." ~ said by man and teenage son walking in rain carrying tiny drink umbrellas.

"Will you marry me? We can register at Pottery Barn." ~ my second marriage proposal from a girl.

"Dude, your car is getting more action than we are! It's copping a feel!" ~ said by two guys after learning the car seat belt was uncomfortably squishing a certain female body part.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good: I am on vacation all week and am taking a road trip to visit my dear friend Katy in Oklahoma.

The Bad: I probably won't be blogging much this week and you will all have to find something else to amuse you at work each day.

The Ugly: There are seven dead roaches in my house right now.

Friday Funnies

I don't have much for this version of the Friday Funnies. To be honest, it wasn't a very funny week. The few things I do have all came from the same person. So here are the...

Things that made me laugh this week:

"The inside of your purse is cavernous."

"I should be bottling my own 'essence' and selling it. I'd make a killing!"

"If you really want me to get a mini, you could give up 2.5 Starbucks drinks a month and subsidize the extra cost."

"Kirkie-pooh and Kirkalicious are perhaps appropriate for certain business dealings, but not the kind that I am pursuing here."

Circle of Friends: Part Four

Before I start waxing eloquent about my friends, please note the Starbucks tally is updated. Today is the first day of my vacation, so this morning I walked over to Starbucks and enjoyed the "usual" and a piece of banana bread. It was $6.17 worth of relaxation and peaceful time with God. What a lovely start to my holiday.

Okay, enough about me, let's talk about Troy.

When I think of Troy, I think of two scriptures: "...aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands...so that you may live properly before outsiders..." and "do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others" (1 Thes 4:11-12 and Phil 2:3-4). Troy exemplifies these verses. He truly strives to live quietly, drawing little attention to his own merits and service, but living in such a way that outsiders notice the difference in his life. I have actually heard one of his co-workers say they could never imagine Troy saying or doing anything unkind. Troy has a true servant's heart. If I were to list off all the ways he has served me and given selflessly of himself, this would end up being my longest blog entry ever. Just yesterday, he humbled himself and served me when I was acting like a total brat.

Which is another reason why I appreciate him. Troy is my friend who still likes me when I am being totally and completely myself. Which means I am probably being childish and selfish and more than a little annoying. Troy definitely sees more of the ugly side of me than I show to most people. He's seen the ugliness and hasn't run away or abandoned our friendship. Instead, he quietly sees me through those times and patiently encourages and instructs me to grow in God's grace. He's not afraid to call me out, but usually he doesn't even have to because I am convicted simply by watching how he lives.

Troy is also stinkin' hilarious. He never ceases to surprise me. Every time I think I have him figured out, he throws me a curve ball. He is a man of contradictions. He is one of the most methodical, analytical people I know. But he still manages to be completely random and unpredictable. I love being around him because I never know what will happen next. We could be having a deep, theological discussion and next thing I know, we're talking about how a verse in Isaiah reminds him of Jack Black! Who thinks of these things?! Better than just about anyone else, Troy knows how to push my buttons. And he takes advantage of that frequently. He takes an evil delight in getting me riled up. I pretend to be mad about that, but anyone who knows me knows that I secretly like it. Which is probably why we get along so well. Like peas and carrots.

Troy, you are always teaching me what it means to be a true friend. Your friendship is invaluable to me.

Circle of Friends: Part Three

I almost didn't make it with my blog entry today. Too many things happening all in one day. But I managed to pull it off after all and I am here to tell you about my wonderful friend Laurie Lau.

Laurie Lau is my long-lost twin sister. She is Chinese and I am cajun and we share the same name, so we were clearly separated at birth (it makes sense in our minds). Laurie is the one person that I am most likely to spend time both laughing and crying with (sometimes simultaneously). We get together and act completely silly and random but it never fails that our conversations go deep and we get down to the raw things in our hearts.

Laurie is the most spiritually fervent person I know. Her passion to know Christ and share Him with others permeates her entire being. She is amazing. I often say I think she is the single most incredible person in Summit. All of her goals are centered around being used by and for Christ.

Laurie's heart for missions is what gave me a passion for other countries. When we first started hanging out, I was content to stay right here and let others go to the tough places. But her testimony, exhortation and prayers helped birth in me a desire to serve the nations. Laurie's passion for world missions is so strong that she actually feels oppressed in her spirit if she stays in the U.S. for too long. She's already been to Cuba this year and has plans to go to China and Sudan before the year is over. That's just the kind of person she is.

In addition to being the most zealous Christian I know, Laurie is also my soul sistah. She is a completely American, Chinese girl who thinks she is a black woman. And I can relate to that. I'm Hot, she's Mama, together we're one Hot Mama. Because we're long-lost twin sisters and we look so much alike, people are always getting us mixed up. Those are the kinds of jokes we make and laugh for hours about.

Laurie, your example is a constant source of inspiration to me. I want to be more like you because I know that being like you means being more like Christ. Thank you for loving me.

Circle of Friends: Part Two

Today's friend of note is Todd. I have had the privilege to be Todd's friend for about three years now. I am about to embarrass him publicly on my blog. Tee-hee-hee.

When I first met Todd, I had the biggest crush on him! He was just so cute with his spiky hair and glasses and dimples and his laugh that fills up the space around him. It was a dark day when I discovered that someone told him about my crush! A lesser man would have gotten all awkward and weird and dropped the friendship. But Todd is a man of integrity who values honesty and openness above comfort and ease. He made it a point to make sure my heart was well-protected, while simultaneously maintaining a lasting friendship. My crush turned into deep respect for him as a man and a friend. His desire to be transparent and honest with people is one of my favorite things about him.

Todd longs to know God more deeply and intimately. He is so honest about his walk with the Lord and the ways in which he desires to grow. He's also honest about his failures and struggles. He encourages me through his trials and joys because he's real about what God is doing in his life. Todd is one of those people who makes me want to be more transparent. I so frequently put up walls and keep certain parts of my life off-limits from others. Without even knowing it, Todd challenges me to change those parts of me and allow my brothers and sisters to see inside to the "real" Laurie.

For some crazy reason, Todd thinks I am cool. It's always good to have a person in your life who knows how stupid and silly you can be and still thinks you're one of the cool people. I am not cool. He persists in thinking I am. This has the effect of making me actually feel cool. Which is nice. (Insert inside joke here).

Plus, Todd is just plain fun. I smile just being around him. Right now, as I'm typing, I'm smiling just thinking of him. We share the same wicked sense of humor. This can be good...and it can be bad. ;) Many a sketchy joke has passed between us. Good times. I heart Todd.

Toddy, you're the best. And I'm not just saying that!

Circle of Friends: Part One

I had grand plans this week to post a series of favorite romantic songs. But I'm not in the mood. Pun intended. Instead, I will blog about four important friendships and how these people bless and encourage me. Today, I give you Shanna.

Shanna is one of my favorite people to be around. Have you ever heard her laugh? It's this great combination of joy and badness. :) She's predictably unpredictable. She's always surprising me with something she says or does. Yet, it's not a surprise because that's just Shanna. I love hearing her pray. Only Shanna can get away with saying "Dear God, You ROCK!"

She makes fun of me when I get puffed up. She encourages me when I am down. She loves the good AND the bad things about me. Shanna is the kind of person that always makes me feel loved and special. When I spend time with her, I leave feeling encouraged and cared for. She always makes it a point to ask me how I am doing...and she really wants to know the answer.

She remembers everything. She remembers when I had a bad day two weeks ago and follows up on how things are going. She remembers prayer requests that I share with her and she prays for me and asks me for updates. She notices things that I don't even tell her about. She can look at my face and instantly know whether I am happy, sad, frustrated or tired. She sends me random text messages and notes, telling me she's thinking about me and she loves me. She always wants the best for me and believes the best about me.

Shanna, you are a wonderful friend and a blessing to me. I love you.

Update: Two Topics

One: The starbucks tally is updated. Yesterday afternoon, I purchased a grande, peppermint mocha frappuccino at a cost of $4.64.

Two: I am informed by one of the previously mentioned intelligent, well-educated men that he knew all of the information, but was so delighted by my reaction to the others' ignorance that he decided to play along. I am also informed that he was in no way disappointed by the ensuing conversation.

Flabbergasted

Yesterday I had a conversation with four intelligent, well-educated men. In the course of that conversation, it became clear that not one of them knew the most basic elements of how the female reproductive cycle works. Seriously???!!! One of the men was even under the impression that a woman "generates" a new egg every month. Like "poof! there's an egg." I found myself explaining the scientific process of the menstrual cycle to four grown men who all happen to be good friends of mine. I never, ever, ever thought I would ever, ever, ever be called upon to do something like that.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Mark this day. At 8:53pm on Monday, June 19th, I reminded you of something you have to do this week!"

"I'm looking for my IBM -- Ideal Black Man"

"Don't you think it's weird for a grown man to have a pet frog?"

"I'm calling to tell you about a kinky bumper sticker I just saw"

"I may be all man on the outside, but on the inside beats the gentle heart of a woman...with a beard"

"Why don't we just go get naked?!"

*********
Starbucks tally is updated: the "usual" PLUS a piece of coffee cake -- $6.17.

Great Memories

Last Saturday, I spent a long, rainy morning with two sweet friends. We drank coffee, laughed, prayed, told secrets and shared special memories that are precious to us. I was reminded of one of my fondest childhood memories and want to share it with all of you.

I am the oldest grandchild in my family and also the only girl. This means I am a princess. :)
My family adores me and I have a suspicion that I was quite spoiled when I was little. Explains a lot, doesn't it? Everyone in my family paid attention to me, but it was my relationship with my pawpaw that is really special to me.

My pawpaw is not a very affectionate man. He doesn't know how to communicate well and he has a very hard time expressing love to people. He isn't very good at interpersonal relationships and he doesn't know how to hug or pat or be physically affectionate. But growing up, I always knew how much he loved me because of the special trips he would take me on.

My pawpaw and I have been to England, France, Switzerland, Germany, Australia and many other places together. We never left his backyard, but we traveled all over the world. He had this big porch swing in his back yard, set underneath his willow tree. We would sit on that swing and he would push it back as far as he could and then he would tell me to buckle in and get ready because our flight was about to take off. He would lift his feet and the "plane" would soar into the air and our journey would begin. As we were flying through the willow leaves, he would describe the scene down below. He would tell me all about the countries we were flying over. We visited many exotic places and had hundreds of adventures.

Sometimes we would take domestic trips by "rail" instead. He would shout "All Aboard" and I would jump on the train and we'd take a trip through the countryside. We saw everything and we never got tired of traveling. We always took a box of Nilla wafers along for sustenance.

Looking back on that, I laugh because I realize that my pawpaw really just wanted to spend time in his beautiful garden, half snoozing on his swing. But he turned those lazy, summer evenings into magical moments for his little garden fairy. He gave me his time, his imagination and his love.

Some day soon, the Heavenly Father is going to shout down and say "All Aboard" and my pawpaw will jump on that train and take the trip of a lifetime. I'll be left standing under the willow tree, looking at an empty swing. But before that happens, I think we have a last-minute flight to Italy scheduled. He'll bring the Nilla wafers.

The Nightmare Spreads

Last night my phone rang at about 9:30. It was my friend Beth, who told me she was about to cry and she was calling me because I was the first person she thought of that could relate to her distress. I have asked her to guest-blog her experiences for the rest of you. Here is an account of what she told me last night.

~L
*********
I am not an unclean person. I regularly clean my sink. And I have roaches invading my apartment. Every time it rains, they find their way in. I should probably just install a tiny swinging door for them.

Last night, I had the worst roach attack ever. I was entering my bathroom when I was abruptly stopped by the scene which was before me. My precious purple Oral-B toothbrush was being grotesquely fondled by a three-inch roach (not including length of the swirling antennae). At that point, I kind of blanked out. For the next hour or so, I was in a fog (and not just because of Raid). When I got back my strength, I picked up my Dr. Scholl's wooden sandal and smacked that baby down yelling, "You deserve to die!"

Somehow I made it to CVS and purchased a new toothbrush and a protective tube to cover it up. It didn't say "roach protector" on the label of the tube, but I think it will do the job. And right now, while I'm at work, my apartment is getting fogged by Raid. I might have to sleep with a gas mask on, but it's worth it.

Newsroom Humor

Perry signs "Rain Cut" bill
by David Benzion 06/20/2006 12:07 am


Acting quickly in response to widespread flooding across the Greater Houston area, Texas Gov. Rick Perry has signed emergency legislation to reduce rain by about one-third over the next three days, and provide a number of other weather-related changes, including a one-time, 2,000-percent, Super-Dee-Duper increase in dryness.

"This is a rain cut Texans can take to the bank," Perry said during a signing ceremony early Tuesday morning at TransStar central command.
"Letme be completely clear: for the next three days, one out of every three raindrops that would have fallen on Houston won't, and the ones that do will dry 2,000-percent faster. That's something Super-Dee-Duper, and I'm pretty darn proud of it. How 'bout you?"

The reductions in local rainfall will primarily be recouped through a new state business flood, which will target all corporations and limited liability partnerships, many of which had previously succeeded in remaining dry.

Even before the rain cut bill was signed, however, debate was sparked over how significant the precipitation reductions will be.

Perry, in television and radio commercials that began airing this morning, is claiming that the "average" Houstonian will avoid 2 million rain drops over the next three days.

But Comptroller Carole Keeton Strayhorn and other critics say that degree of dryness is much more than most Houstonians will realize. Strayhorn, who is seeking to unseat Perry as an independent challenger, has said precipitation reductions will average a modest trickle, perhaps a puddle or two during that period.

Surveying the damage to Houston via a barroom television in downtown Austin, independent candidate Kinky Friedman assured fellow drinkers that while he could do nothing to actually stop the rain, as Governor he would be willing to stand atop the Astrodome and implore the God of Israel to part the waters flooding the 610-Loop, just like Charlton Heston in "The 10 Commandments."

Meanwhile, Republican nominee and presumptive State District 7 Senator Dan Patrick took to the airwaves late Monday and called for the immediate construction of a regional "horizontal wall" manned by 10,000 umbrella-wielding National Guard troops, to protect the city from, as he put it, "the unrelenting invasion of undocumented water that is crossing the borders of our roadways."

Shorthand

Yesterday it was pointed out to me that most people (except James) don't know what things like "wx" mean. I use several abbreviations and acronyms as part of my radio "lingo" and sometimes they find their way into my regular conversation. So I thought I'd write up a list of the most common shorthand words in my business and see if they make sense to anyone. I'll put them in context.

Record severe wx update.

TX XGR approves funding.

Gather 15 min SOT.

TRT is 1:15.

MOS interviews needed.

Please use NATS in report.

SCOTUS decision is in.

Definitely a Starbucks kind of day

the "usual" $4.06.

Hurry up...and hurry up

I'm no longer bored. Now I am stressed. My back and shoulders are hurting because that's where I carry my tension. My noon presser with the judge and mayor triggered a whole pile of memories from covering Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. I think I've blogged about this before. Journalists are a little bit like doctors. We look at the job that needs to be done and push down the emotions that go along with it. I don't have time to freak out over the shuttle falling out of the sky. I have to cover the debris field and attend press updates and get the facts out to the public. But six or eight months later, something will happen to trigger those emotions and I have to deal with them. It seems today's flooding and emergency responses are the trigger for the stuff I didn't deal with during Katrina and Rita. Just seeing the mayor and judge standing there, briefing the community on the emergency, was enough to bring it all back.

Hurry up...and wait

Sometimes my job is exciting and sometimes it's boring and sometimes it's a grand combination of the two. My regular assignment was cancelled and I am on flood duty. I've been making calls to emergency officials all morning. It was a hectic start to the day. Now the boring part comes in. I am waiting for people to call me back. There is really nothing I can do during the waiting time. When the calls start to come in, things will get hectic again. But for now...good thing there are blogs to read.

Friday Funnies: The Shady Version

Things that made me laugh this week:

"You two are like peas and carrots. You're the pea to his carrot."

"Anyway, you live with Laurie. You should be used to shady humor, I don't even have the guts to repeat the shady things she has emailed to me before."

"Would you really want your speedo mounted anywhere else?"

"Roaches in the bed gives a whole new meaning to 'Baits Motel.'"

"Surely a sweet, innocent and unmistakeably beautiful girl like Laurie Johnson wouldn't know what 'porn' is."

*Please know that all these comments, when taken in context, are not nearly as shady as they appear.

Also, the Starbucks tally is updated. I met Shanna for coffee last night and ordered a grande, no whip hot chocolate. I paid $2.65 for it. Unfortunately, I received a tall, no whip hot chocolate. Shanna and I decided that God, in His sovereignty, ordained for me to save the calories but not the money.

Blogging the Bible

I've been meaning to post a link to this for quite some time. A writer for Slate has been blogging his thoughts on a verse-by-verse reading of the Bible. It's really fascinating. He is Jewish and has a completely different perspective on scripture. It has been interesting to see insight into how an unbeliever perceives God and the Word. He writes in a very funny and honest style. Check it out and gain some insight into how the world thinks about God and His plan for His people.

The Technology Age

Last night, I spent an hour and 17 minutes talking on the phone with a friend. This would not be unusual, except for the fact that more than half of the conversation took place as we each surfed the web and discussed the various web pages we were browsing. At one point, we were even reading the same blog at the same time. Furthermore, it was not enough to simply talk on the phone. Said friend also sent me an email and informed me of each step in the email process. Then I was told to check my email and provide feedback...again while talking on the phone.

I can't decide if this is oddly strange or oddly normal.

Totally Awesome

A few minutes ago, I was composing an email to a friend. I intended to say "I won't be participating in the activity because I am trying to dedicate this week to God...." But instead of typing "week" I typed "weed." So the sentence read: "I am trying to dedicate this weed to God."

Gives a whole new meaning to presenting the pleasing aroma of sacrifice to the Lord.

Troy Starbucks

Those are the key words someone googled this morning that led them to my blog.

Tally is updated. Grande, non-fat, no whip peppermint mocha (the usual). $4.06.

Contemplation

Last week I heard three different sermons all centering around the same thing: Obedience to Christ through wholehearted devotion to Him. Two of the sermons were built around the same verse: Luke 9:23 "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." A few days ago I mindlessly popped a CD into the car stereo. It's an album Brian gave me last year called Passion: Hymns Ancient and Modern. I love many of the songs on this album and recommend it to anyone. But I keep stopping on one song. I've been listening to it over and over this week, meditating on how it fits in with the sermons I've been hearing and the ways God wants to grow me. I pray you read the words and find conviction and encouragement in your journey as a disciple of Christ.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to thee;
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect and use
Every power as Thou shall choose.

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be,
Ever, only, all for Thee.

I'm moving

Dinah emailed me this morning. She found a cockroach in her bed last night. Clarification: She woke up and found a cockroach in bed with her last night.

This is no longer a nightmare. It's hell on earth.

Banana Mocha Frappucino

I don't recommend it. $4.01.
When I left Starbucks, I noticed an SUV parked directly behind my car. It was just sitting there in the middle of the parking lot. I was completely blocked in and couldn't leave. I waited around for a while to see if the owner of the vehicle would show up. Finally, I went back into Starbucks and went up to the flashy businessman who was placing his order. "Excuse me, sir. Is that your SUV parked out there?" He gave me a scathing look. "I don't drive SUVs," he said.

Well excuse me and my plebian mindset for daring to think you might drive an SUV.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I have stanima. Stanima. I can't say the word, but I have it."

"Thanks for thinking I'm so FRIGGIN' HUGE!"

"It's hard out here for a pimp."

"Does exchanging digits provide upward mobility on the 'Laurie Johnson's Guy List'?"

"My mother is pushy and stubborn. You would like her."

"When you said you wanted a chocolate milkshake, I recognized God's sovereign design in the situation."

Lattes, Teas and Brownies! Oh My!

In the interest of full disclosure and of sending myself on one heck of a guilt-trip, I have decided to blog my Starbucks purchases for the month of June. I plan to post a description of items and their cost. I'll keep a running tally of my Starby's expenditures. My hope is that I will be faced with either a) the extravagance of my wasteful spending or b) the realization my coffee habit is not a dreadful as some might think. I am aware that I may be tempted to alter my Starby's habit in an attempt to hide the truth. I will make every effort to be honest about my addiction. We all fall sometimes.

Today is the eighth day of June in the Year of Our Lord, 2006. I have been to Starbucks twice in the past eight days. Purchase #1 included a grande non-fat, no whip, peppermint mocha for myself and a grande chai tea latte for my friend. Total cost: $7.63. Purchase #2 was a grande hot chocolate. Total cost: $2.65. Total Starbucks expenditures for the month of June: $10.28. Will keep you posted.

I heart Google

I am about to call some people out. Fortunately, they are people who don't know me and I don't know them. So it's all good.

I have this web-based service which allows me to track how many people visit my website each day. I can see things like IP addresses, frequency of visits from a particular address and the time of day they hit the site. The gold mine is that I can see if someone did an internet search to reach my site and what key words they entered that led them to QQ. Hehehehe. This leads to much fun. Over the past few months here are some of the word searches that led people to my site.

"Sexxxx" ~ At least three different people from Saudi Arabia, Dubai and Canada reached my site through searching this word. I am thinking they probably did not find exactly what they were looking for.

"How to flirt" ~ Here's something they are much more likely to learn by reading QQ. I am pretty good at flirting. One of the best, actually. I can teach anyone the art of flirting. Are you a young, single, attractive male? I can definitely teach you. Call me.

"Single christian girls" ~ So many thoughts...

"Laurie and Brian" ~ Hello, hello. :}

"Fixodent kiss commercial" ~ Clearly someone else was disturbed by this ad campaign as well. Old people making out in the back of a cab...reminds me of something...

"How to become a great kisser" ~ Okay, I don't know whether it's cute or sad that someone googled this. To the kiss-student, whoever you are, you go guy!

"What peppermint says about your personality" ~ Ummm, I think googling this says something about your personality.

"Spit in her mouth" ~ Yikes. I don't know whether this was an angry query or a shady one. Either way...yikes.

"Beat her up" ~ I hope this wasn't the same person that did the previous search.

"How do roaches procreate" ~ Troy, please tell me you are the one who googled this. Otherwise, it means someone else out there really wanted to know the answer to this question.

That Laurie is such a flirt

Last night I was at Starbucks, waiting at the counter for my drink order, when my cell phone rang. When I saw who was calling, I answered the phone with a special greeting. "Hello, Handsome," I said. The guy on the phone responded...but so did the Starbucks guy behind the counter! He said "Why, hello there." Then he started laughing at me and said he couldn't resist messing with me a little. I told him that he was very nice looking also and then I told my phone-friend that I was busy picking up guys at Starbucks. It was all quite funny.

My Protege

My influence astounds me. I have a blog protege. Check her out. You will love her. Please read her first entry before you read subsequent entries. You simply must understand the genesis of her blog.

Old Age...?

Something hilarious happened to me last week. It was so funny and I immediately thought "I am going to blog about this on Monday." All weekend I was looking forward to blogging about it. I thought about it several times on Saturday and was even thinking about how I would phrase the story.

Yeah, so...ummm...I forgot what it was.

Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"In-ter-est-ing"

"Sinead O'Connor as Pharaoh"

"The Bacon Blog"

"Good Morning, Miss Johnson"

"I think on your next mass-date, there should be a little less 'mass'"

"Make sure the hand you're holding in the popcorn is the right hand"

"Thanks for being my chicken-buddy!"

Tremens

I drank an entire pot of coffee this morning. I am just now coming down from the high. I am having difficulty forming complete thoughts. Blogging seems out of the question.

Brian's Back!

Okay, well not back exactly. But he's blogging again. Love ya Brian!

Me Again

I can't do any work right now. The program we use to write our news reports in is down and they can't figure out what's wrong. This means all the work I've already done may be lost. I saved it, but the tech guy thinks the program wasn't even connecting to a network, so it may not have actually saved. Fantastic.

But there is good news. Roger Clemens has signed with the Astros to play out the 2006 season. I was at Starbucks on Sunday morning and read "The Way I See It" quote on the cup. Here's what it said.

"It's often said that baseball is life, or is like life, or that going to a baseball game is like going to church. Piffle. Baseball is like baseball, and that's plenty good enough because nothing else is quite like baseball." ~Rob Neyer, ESPN.com columnist

That is my second favorite Starbucks cup quote.

Two for the price of one

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, two blog entries in one day. More entries could be forthcoming...I feel like I have a lot of material right now.

Now that I've slept on it, I feel the need to elaborate on yesterday's post. The day started out well. I met a friend for breakfast at Buffalo Grille. As I was placing my order, the manager of the restaurant told me I was beautiful. Suddenly, Buffalo Grille became my favorite restaurant in the world! He then pointed to my eyes and said "beautiful" again. By this time, I am feeling pretty good about life.

You would think this would get me through the day. But Pastor Gregg was right when he said "words wound."

Yesterday afternoon I was walking down the hall at my office and walked past one of my co-workers. He was standing near the mailboxes and had opened a package containing a book. He read the book jacket and then turned and handed the book to me. The title was Baby Proof. He said "Here, you'll enjoy this. It's a book for women who aren't going to have children."

I don't even remember what my response to him was. It was probably some sort of jumbled up sentence that didn't make sense. I just turned, walked straight into the ladies room and started crying.

It was awful.

How Cool is That!!!

I just had an instant messenger conversation with Todd...while he's in Cuba!!!

There I was, just minding my own business, when a little box popped up on my screen and it was Todd saying "what up sista." We got to chat a bit and he said everyone on the team is doing well and they are all having a great time. Remember to pray for them: for their safety, for salvation for the people they come into contact with and for the government to turn from wickedness and back to the Lord.

I'm back...sort of

I'm back in the blogging universe after handing over the QQ reins to five guest-bloggers last week. However, one of my co-workers made me cry this afternoon and I am just in a sad mood now. I don't feel like blogging. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and have something funny or fascinating to offer.

Blogiversary: Day Five

Well it's the final day of guest-blogging. I hope you have all enjoyed the experience. I love to hear feedback from you when I try something new on the blog. (I know Moms liked it. I'm betting the kissing entry was her favorite.)

Today's guest-blogger is Dinah Quintero. That's right folks, Dinah is making her blog debut right here on QQ. Her entry is a photo-documentation of events at our house.
*Warning: This entry contains graphic images and adult situations. Some material may not be suitable for children under 17.

~Laurie
*********
Have you ever wondered how roaches procreate?

Blogiversary: Day Four

Sorry for the delay in posting today's entry. The Enron verdict came down this morning, so it's been a bit hectic around here.

I have noticed the QQ guest-bloggers seem to have one thing in common: They like lists. Today's guest blogger is the fabulous Miss Beth Richards. Tell it, Sistah!

~Laurie
*********
Cleaning Tips for Bachelor(ette)s

THE FRIDGE

1. Take out can only survive in your fridge for about a week. After that, unless you want to microwave it until it becomes brick-like, it probably isn't safe.
2. If something is moldy in your refrigerator, throw it away. Mold can be green or white.
3. If a milk carton date is two months before today's date, DO NOT OPEN IT. If you try to pour out the milk down the sink, you will want to throw up. It will look like the butter you made in third grade pioneering, but it isn't the same.
4. Remember that drawer in the bottom of the fridge? Be careful. If you store fruits and veggies in it from that week you did South Beach four months ago, they might still be in there. Fruit that is squishy is not good. Vegetables that leak brownish-green fluid are not good.
5. Never use a stool to check out the top of the fridge. It's too scary. And never, ever, ever, look under the fridge or behind. It's WAY too scary.

THE HOUSE

1. Discard dead insect bodies by sucking them up with a vacuum cleaner hose. Large roaches can be scooped up using a credit card application and the envelope it came in. (Editorial note: This idea is insane and I do not advise following this advice. Instead, call your bestest guy friend and get him to come dispose of the vile intruder for you.)
2. The Swiffer is your friend. Only use it for fun. Put on some fun music with the Swiffer. It's neat to do experiments with it and to see if you can make a Wookie out of all the items collected on it. Something they don't tell you on the box: You can flip the Swiffer sheet over and use that side, too. Not quite as effective, but a cost-saving move.
3. If friends are coming over, grab a box and put all miscellaneous junk items laying around in it. Shove the box in the back of the closet. If you've put a Blockbuster movie in there, make sure you don't forget about it. Because that whole "No late fees" thing is a crock. They'll make you buy the movie.

THE BATHROOM

1. If it's conducive, put on swim goggles and yellow rubber gloves and spray down the whole bathroom with Scrubbing Bubbles. It will do all the work for you.
2. Only real Windex can get the toothpaste polka dots off your mirror. Use anything else, and you'll be disappointed with the results.

Blogiversary: Day Three

I hope you are all enjoying the QQ guest bloggers. I do want to post a small clarification. There has been some guessing as to identities. Just so you all know, the guest bloggers were chosen from a group of people who do not have their own blogs. So for all of you who think Todd is Mr. X, you're wrong. Mr. X, like all the others, does not have a blog.

Today's guest blogger is also anonymous. In fact, I'll be keeping this guest blogger's gender a secret as well. The entry is intended to be ambiguous...draw your own conclusions. Enjoy.

~Laurie
*********
The "18 Observations List" Originator

1. Chicken box lunches are ($500-70-9) expensive.
2. Cars are never to be considered "an investment."
3. Just because you think it, does not mean you should say it.
4. Shooting guns can be fun, I guess, but "Shotgunning" is not.
5. With the most eligible bachelor gone, men might not be so intimidated to ask.
6. Cool is a very relative term.
7. Sometimes wounds, when rubbed raw, can give you the greatest comfort.
8. Stories are best told in Sequence.
9. I hate Prairie Dogs -- Not Literally.
10. You're looking very "makie-outie" today! -- Can't hear that enough.
11. T-Holla needs to step up to the plate and represent.
12. "Dorkiness" can be so attractive!
13. You may not be a "favorite", but 'acquired tastes' can leave a lasting impression.
14. WE are never the Bridesmaid -- WE are all Brides!
15. Luggage Racks on cars are not very conducive to man.
16. Observer and Server: Nearly similar in spelling, but vastly different when considering their roles.
17. Who knew that laziness could look so good?
18. 18 observations -- that is just one too many...

Blogiversary: Day Two

Yesterday's post was enlightening and informative for many. I also heard from several people who told me the entry made them want to kiss. May I remind everyone that I am available for practice purposes. Ahem.

Today's entry comes from an anonymous guest-blogger who we will refer to as Mr. X. I hope you enjoy this entry as much as I do.

~Laurie
*********
Ten things that are great about being a single Christian guy.

1. Asking girls out.
2. A yes.
3. Good dates.
4. Forgetting about a no, moving on and asking again.
5. Learning to trust the Lord to bring the right woman into your life.
6. Watching people you care about find love.
7. Being set-up with a great Christian girl.
8. Making new single friends.
9. Dancing with a lot of girls.
10. Going to parties where there are single people.

Ten things that are hard about being a single Christian guy.

1. Asking girls out.
2. A no.
3. Bad dates.
4. Knowing what to do with an unclear answer.
5. Waiting for the Lord to bring the right woman into your life.
6. Watching people you care about find love.
7. "Losing" your friends as they get married.
8. Making new single friends
9. Loneliness.
10. Going to parties where there are couples and families.

Blogiversary

This week marks the completion of my first year as a blogger. I decided to do something a little bit different to celebrate the momentous occasion. In honor of my blogiversary, I have asked five people to be guest bloggers on QQ. So each day this week, you will read an entry from a new guest blogger. Some of these bloggers will choose not to reveal their identities. Others will let the whole world know who they are. I put no limitations on their entries. They were told they could blog about any topic, for any length and use any alias they want. So sit back and enjoy the musings of your first guest blogger.

~Laurie
*********

Kissing is Hot

When Laurie asked me to be a guest blogger on her site, I was delighted. You see, I don’t have a blog because I am too vain. Too vain you say? Yes, and having a blog would just make things worse. You see, a blog would require me to indulge daily in my fabulous humor and occasionally post devastatingly gorgeous pictures of myself on the net. Such actions would cause me to fall deeper and deeper in love with myself until I completely obliterate any guy’s chance of loving me more than I love myself. Consequently, I refrain from blogging.

Ah, but a guest spot on a blog? Oooooh. That’s hot. Yet subtle. It only allows me to completely indulge in myself for one day. And I get to speak my mind. Sexy. But what to write about? I must be witty and clever, yet serious and educated. The pressure! There is just one topic that I can write about that covers all of my criteria. Kissing. Yep, you heard me: Kissing. Snogging. Frenching. I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of kissing.

So here you have it, my guest blog spot on kissing. Drum roll please…

Kissing 101 by Shanna

As many of you know, Mr. Johnson (Laurie’s Dad) has declared 2006, The Year of the Kiss. In honor of that declaration, I would like to reveal my opinion on the different types of kissers.

Bad kissers:
When I think of bad kissers, I think of one thing. Eel tongue. Easy there, Johnny Tongue. We like you slow and sweet. Too much tongue is like too much soup. It leaves you dripping from the mouth. Not cute. So, cut back on the tongue. And cut back on the pace. This is not a 100-meter dash. Nobody is waiting at the finish line to give you the fastest kisser award. So Carl Lewis Kisser, slow down, take your time. And wipe that slobber off your cheek.

First date kissers:
There are two types of people who fall into the first date kissing category. 1) Drunk and/or skanky people; 2) People who like to break rules. I will ignore #1, as all of my Southern Baptist friends are neither drunk nor skanky and refrain from such atrocious acts. I will, instead, address #2.
People who kiss on first dates are the rebels who laugh in the face of kissing rules. They rebuke the rules of kissing. They think that people who don’t kiss on the first date are kissing sissies. Plus, they think that people who don’t kiss on the first date have a flawed mathematical kissing formula. You see, guys who don’t kiss on the first date don’t want to seem too aggressive and want to “respect the girl,” so they go home empty mouthed. Then they go on a second date and think, “I can’t kiss her tonight. If I kiss her this soon, she will know that the only reason I didn’t kiss her on the first date is because I didn’t want to break the first date kissing rule.” So, Mr. No Kiss, Esq. goes home again sans kiss. On the third date, he definitely can’t kiss her because EVERYONE kisses on the third date. It is so the date to kiss. If the third date kiss were a clothing brand, it would sell out of Barney’s and would be in US Weekly. So, again, Mr. No Kiss, Esq. leaves without swapping spit. This type of kissing math proof has yet to be cracked by mathematical scholars. So, while Mr. No Kiss, Esq. is sitting around waiting for a mathematically appropriate time to kiss, Mr. First Date Kisser, Ph.D. has kissed his gal on five different occasions. Do the math. First date kissing adds up.

Good kissers:
Next to napping and Diet Coke, nothing beats a great kisser. But how does one become a great kisser? It is simple. Just follow the What Makes a Good Kisser Guide below and you will be locking lips in no time. Money back guarantee.
What Makes a Good Male Kisser:
1) Slow and steady wins the race.
2) Touch her face before you kiss her and pull her in.
3) Peck her first and slowly move in for a good kiss.
4) Act like you are going to kiss her. Get really close, slide your lips across hers and then pull away.
5) Don’t use too much tongue!
6) Tell her she is a good kisser

What Makes a Good Female Kisser:
1) Beats me, I haven’t kissed any. A male will have to blog about this one.

So, there you have it, my very special guest-starring role on Laurie’s blog. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time with you. I would be happy to help you personally with any kissing practice you may need. On second thought, the charming and utterly kissable Laurie Johnson would be happy to help you. This is the year of the FIRST Kiss. I’m tainted.

I leave you with the following kissing quotes:

For those who enjoy my kissing humor:

“A peach is a peach,
a plum is a plum,
a kiss ain't a kiss without some tongue,
so open up your mouth, and close your eyes,
and give your tongue some exercise.”

For those who think I am destined for Hell after this blog posting:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.
~ Song of Solomon 1:2

Honey and milk are under your tongue. ~ Song of Solomon 4:11b

For those who think I am a ridiculous idiot:
Kiss my grits.

For those who are completely charmed by me and think I am splendidly clever:
Kiss ME!

Overheard in Houston

I was walking through the Kroger parking lot last night and noticed four guys loading a bunch of stuff into their car. They looked like they were around my age. They were talking and all I heard of the conversation was Dude #1 saying "This weekend is going to the best EVER!" and Dude #2 replying "Yeah, and I'm really excited about our s'mores!"

It made me laugh.

Everyone else is doing it

Since two fantastic guys already posted about The DaVinci Code I figured I needed to do the same. I just have one thing to say: The only thing controversial about that movie...is Tom Hanks hair. I mean seriously, it's just wrong.

The Single Life

The other day, I was waiting at an intersection when I noticed some pigeons on the ground. One of the male pigeons was clearly trying to impress one of his female friends. He was strutting around, puffing up his feathers and generally attempting to look as attractive, competent, successful and studly as possible. I could just imagine what he was saying to the cute chick he was pursuing. Probably things like "Hey, have you noticed the size of my wingspan?" or "yeah, I bring in a good 40-50 worms per week...work keeps me pretty busy these days" or maybe "your feathers look great, I bet they're soft too." He was really doing a great job of showing off. Unfortunately, the girl he was trying to impress could not have been less interested. Ain't that always the way...

Update

Bongo-Boy is playing his heart out at this very moment. If only it were Matthew McConaughey. He can play bongo drums at my next-door neighbor's house any time he wants. But no such luck. I think it must be a relative of my neighbor's. I saw a youngish man walking out with him the other day, looked like they could be father and son. Whoever it is, they love them some bongos.

Getting the message

I think maybe God is trying to tell me something. I think He's trying to tell me to get out of Houston's cutest hellhole while I still have life and limb.

Yesterday evening I was preparing to go for a walk. I had just finished lacing up my tennis shoes, grabbed my best friend (ipod nano) and was about to walk out of my room...when my light fixture dropped from the ceiling and landed on the floor just inches in front of me. Literally, if I had been standing three inches to the west it would have crashed onto my head. I stood there, dumbfounded. Then I just started laughing. If I don't laugh, I will cry.

Bedroom Eyes?

I am barely awake today. In fact, for the past several days my sleep has been fitful at best. Why? Simply because my next-door neighbor has decided to take up the art of bongo drums. That's right. Bongos. This wouldn't be so bad if the drumming were in the evenings, or even 10pm. But my bongo-lovin' neighbor apparently gets creative inspiration around 3am. That's three in the morning, people! For the love of all that is holy!

Go Coogs!

I got this mailout from my alma mater today. It's promoting the Moores School of Music's Texas Music Festival. This is the opening sentence:

"Here the best in chamber music, orchestra and jazz at the 2006 Texas Music Festival!"

Wow.
UH Learning. Leading.

I Want...

People have certain expectations from this blog. They come here to get a laugh and marvel at the insanity of my mind. I often refrain from posting serious topics for many reasons. It's not that I don't think of serious things. It's just that usually the things I think deeply on are not necessarily things that I want to share with the entire blogosphere. I like sharing my "real" moments with my closest friends. But today, I feel like being real on the blog. So here's some stuff I have been thinking about over the past few days...

I don't want an exciting life. I used to think I wanted a life of glamour and adventure. You know, an Indiana Jones meets Pride and Prejudice kind of life (now there's a movie for ya). But I have come to realize my desires are much more simple.

~I want to drink lemonade while sitting on a porch swing. ~I want to watch kids playing in a sprinkler. ~I want to spend my life with a man who will always be my best friend. ~I want to walk in a forest and hear the wind sailing through the trees. ~I want to bake bread. ~I want to invite friends over for coffee. ~I want to see the wonder on a child's face when he sees his first rainbow. ~I want to grow vegetables.~I want to hug someone and know that I don't have to let go if I don't feel like it. ~I want to find the beginning of a country road and drive on it all the way to the end. ~I want to say "I love you" and hear someone say those words to me. ~I want to play in the rain. ~I want to conform my will to that of the Father's.

So Lord Jesus, if any of these "wants" are not of you, take them upon Your altar.

In Da Club

The Troy is sweeping the nation.

Two- or Three-ply?

Another thing I learned last weekend was that guys have deep thoughts about the quality of toilet paper and how it should be utilized. Apparently whether you wad or fold says a lot about your personality. Yes ladies, these are the kinds of things they talk about.

Run Away, Run Away

I "retreated" this weekend. Here's a list of some of the things I learned over the course of my 37-hour retreat with other Summit peeps. (I have been informed that 18 is the perfect number of observations and I did it wrong last time. So 18 it is...)


1. It is very nice to have other people chauffeur, cook for and generally take care of me all weekend.
2. I will never think about bananas in the same way again.
3. Eye Doctor Justin will never think about BandAids in the same way again.
4. I'm not sure I am strong enough to confront the giants in my life.
5. I can never hear the words "you're pretty" too many times.
6. Some friendships mean more to me than I can ever possibly express.
7. I have control issues.
8. Three guys, one girl and a small sedan is a recipe for hilarity and shadiness.
9. Nobody doesn't like canoodling.
10. I feel most blessed when I am able to bless others.
11. Two words: dripping ooze.
12. Organic is good.
13. While it's natural for me to lead, it's so much nicer to be led.
14. When I have leftover meat all I have to do is slide it across the table.
15. Camp houses in Texas are like luxury hotels compared to camp houses in Cuba.
16. People owe me hugs. I will collect.
17. No phone service or email for a full weekend can be a very good thing.
18. I have no idea why I am so loved by my friends, but it is one of the greatest joys of my life.

My Brush with Greatness

Yesterday my assignment involved covering an event where former President Bush was speaking. I recorded his comments and then afterward went up front with the other journalists to snap pictures and hopefully catch a few extra remarks on tape. Here's one of the pictures I took...yes, I really was that close. After he shook hands and chatted with a few people, he walked away and disappeared from sight. I turned around to another person to wait for an interview opportunity. I was just standing there with my microphone and recorder, waiting patiently, when I heard a man's voice behind me saying "excuse me miss, do you mind if I come through here?". A hand brushed my shoulder and a very tall person (no snickering) squeezed by me and I looked up to see the president towering over me! Mr. Bush touched my shoulder! The former leader of the free world talked to me! The father of the current president asked my permission to cut through the crowd! It was so cool. I love my job.

Engrish

I had dinner at a Thai restaurant earlier this week. One of the dishes being advertised was "Chicken with Oily Chili Sauce." Mmmmm, I sure do love me some oily chicken.

Pretty much sums it up

I See Old People

This morning I was watching Good Morning America while getting ready for work. This commercial came on that showed two old people sitting in a taxi during a rainy, foggy day in some nondescript city. Next thing I know, the old couple is making out in the back of the cab! I mean, I'm not talking a sweet little peck, I'm talking serious tonsil-hockey! Then the announcer says "One of these people is wearing dentures. Can you tell which one?" For the Love! It was a commercial for Fixodent and was the most disturbing thing I have seen in ages. If you see this commercial come on, run away!

There Are Some Things Money Can't Buy

Talking on phone: free
Downloading one rap song while talking on phone: .99
Listening to your friend bust into an impromptu rap while on the phone: Priceless

High Maintenance

That's my personality type, according to the all-knowing Oracle of Starbucks. This thing is hilarious and you should definitely check it out. Just type in your drink of choice and it will tell you your personality type, accuracy guaranteed, satisfaction not so much.

My drink is the grande, non-fat, no-whip, peppermint mocha. I am described thus:

Personality Type: High Maintenance.
You pride yourself on being assertive and direct; everyone else thinks you're bossy and arrogant. You're constantly running your mouth about topics that only you would find interesting. Your capacity for wasting other people's time is limitless. Your friends find you intolerable, that's why they're plotting to kill you.

Also drinks: Water. Bottled, chilled with four ice cubes, a twist of lemon, in a crystal glass

Can also be found at: Trendy martini bars

O Wise, All-Knowing Oracle of Starbucks! How do you know me so well?!

I've Got Issues

My life is so crazy-busy right now that I have to use every available moment left to me. This evening I had 15 minutes to spare between two meetings, so I stopped by CVS to get a Mother's Day card for my mom. I figured I may as well do it now while I have an extra 15 minutes on my plate. So I am looking through the cards and none of them seem quite right. I picked up a card..."well that's nice, but not really what I want to say"..."this is sweet, but I'm not sure it fits the relationship"..."nice picture, but I am so not about the cards that rhyme"...as I looked through the cards I started thinking about what I was looking for. What did I want the card to say? How would I know that I found "the one"?

Then it dawned on me. I hadn't even been aware of it, but deep down inside I was looking for the card that would bring tears to my eyes. Nothing says Happy Mother's Day like the words "here Mom, I hope this card makes you cry." A few moments later I found it! The card that made my eyes well up. It was perfect. As I was leaving the store I couldn't decide if my desire for a card that made me cry was really sweet...or really sick. I think maybe a little of both...

Friday

Friday is a good day to leave you pondering one of life's greatest questions. I got a package in the mail that I was really excited about (I knew it was a birthday present from a friend). I saw the box was marked "Sephora" which made it even better (for all you guys, Sephora is a high-end retailer of cosmetics). So here's the box.

To give you an idea of the actual size of the box I placed a baseball next to it.

Clearly the box is MUCH larger than a baseball. I am very excited about what might be inside the box. I open it to find a very cute Sephora giftbox inside.

Can anyone see what the little note on the box says? It says "Happy Mother's Day." Awww, how sweet...wait a minute...that's not right. Oh well, hopefully one day...
So here's the smaller box next to the baseball.

What could this darling, mother-present possibly contain? I open with breathless anticipation and pull back the tissue to find...

The teeny-tiniest little case of lip gloss in the entire world. Each little tube is about half the size of my pinkie finger. The entire case is smaller than the palm of my hand. It's precious and it's attached to a keychain so I can carry it with me everywhere. But would someone please explain to me the irrational packaging and shipping phenomenon??? It could easily have been shipped in a padded envelope for a tenth the cost. Here's a picture of the whole collection.

There you have it, talk amongst yourselves.

Fishy

I am going to eat sushi for the first time tonight. I am excited.
It's sort of like anticipating your first kiss. There's a whole lot of build-up and just a teeny bit of disappointment after the experience is over. Although, I don't plan to engage in first-time sushi-eating with first-time kissing. Kissing and fish breath is probably not the best combination.

Funny

Last night I had a dream that I met the family members of a friend of mine. We were in an airport because they were flying in for a visit. My friend and I walked into the airport and he pointed out his family to me...and they were hippies! All of them. Parents, siblings...the whole bunch. The dad had long, curly hair. The mom was wearing love beads and a tunic. They were all very granola. It was the most shocking and funny experience. Now I wonder what they really look like...

Freaky

I just interviewed an eight-year-old kid who has so much going on in his personal life that he didn't have time for school. His parents enrolled him in an online school so he would have enough time for his piano lessons, drum lessons, children's symphony and golf. It is just sad to me when an adorable, freckle-faced boy tells me he just didn't have enough time in his day to fit everything in.

His mother says "He, at first, really missed going on the playground, but I think he's accomplishing so much more."

Fornication

You may be wondering about the title of this post. Well this entry is going to be about sex (sort of) and I felt I had to continue with the one-word titles beginning with the letter "f." I could only think of three words relating to sex that begin with an "f" and since this is a family blog...

So here's the deal. The Big Church Across the Street is advertising a series called...wait for it..."Great Sex-pectations." Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Aren't they clever?

Last Sunday was the first in the series and the pastor was (presumably) going to answer the question "who invented sex?". Of course, any woman could have told him men invented sex, but that is a whole other topic. I think he was probably actually going for the answer that God invented sex. I'm just guessing here, seeing as how I didn't actually attend the service or listen to his sermon.

This Sunday's sermon is titled "Sex: Why Wait?" and is sure to be the most unpopular in the series.

This morning The Big Church Across the Street aired a commercial about the Great Sex-pectations series, asking the question "Sex: What Does it Take?". Ummm, health class anyone? Anybody remember the answer to this question? At the end of the commercial, Pastor Smooth leans in toward the camera and says "join us this week as we talk about....(voice drops to a conspiratorial whisper)...Sexxxx." Ewww.

I know what you're thinking...okay Laurie, what's the point. My point is this: why do Christians feel they have to sell Christianity to get people in the door of the church? What happened to the good news that Christ Jesus died on the cross for our sins and rose again to overcome death? When will we figure out that 12-step Christianity just doesn't work? When will we figure out that feel-good Christianity is misleading? What does sex have to do with the crucified Christ?

Let me be clear. I don't think there is anything wrong with pastors teaching Biblical truths about sex. I just get riled when Christians try to use these tactics to allure people into the church. It reminds me of 1st Thes. 1:3-4 "For our appeal does not spring from error or impurity or any attempt to deceive, but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts" (emphasis added).

I know someone is probably going to misunderstand what I am trying to say or get upset with me. I know all the normal responses -- "God can use anything" "this could get someone into church" "sex is in the Bible" -- I know, I know. I just wonder why humans think they can come up with something better, more clever or more appealing than the Word of God which does not return void, but always accomplishes His purposes. Why use sex to sell the gospel when we've got the greatest story ever told of Jesus Christ. That should be enough.

Fabulous

Thanks to all the people who had suggestions for how to handle the current roach situation. Apparently Raid has many uses: kills roaches; kills flies; freshens carpets. And whoever had the idea of duct taping the cup to the floor was brilliant. That's what we did, sort of.

Dinah decided it would be a great idea to slide an index card under the cup, thereby enabling her to transport the roach out of her room. But she was afraid the index card would slip and allow the beast to escape. So she taped the edges of the cup to the index card and carried the whole thing to the trash. I freaked out. Although he was taped into a cup...there was a LIVE ROACH IN OUR TRASH CAN! Not to mention FOUR dead roaches scattered throughout the house (I found another one when I got home from work).

Fortunately for us, a knight in shining armor dropped by for a visit and vanquished our dragons (i.e. swept up the roaches and took the trash out). So our domicile is roach-free at the moment. Let the nightmare end.

Fantastic

This picture is from the sweep-up that the guys did a couple weeks ago...
The current body count at our house is at three...and rising. I found three dead cockroaches scattered throughout the house (one in the dining room, one in the kitchen and one in the atrium). The count is rising because Dinah found a LIVE one in her bedroom and trapped it under a cup. She put a bowl on top of the cup and Mr. Roach is theoretically sitting in there waiting for her to get home and figure out what to do with him. I have no idea how she managed to get close enough to him to set a cup down on top of him. Makes my skin crawl just imagining it.

Meditations

I am sitting at home surrounded by beautiful flowers and gifts -- evidence of how much I am loved. The sun is shining and there is a gentle breeze. The warm, sweet smell of freshly-baked brownies fills the house. Words of encouragement fill me; kind words speak of what my life means to other people. Joy fills the space. Although I am all alone, I look across the room and see people everywhere: people laughing and talking, people singing and joking, people engaged in intense conversation and others just listening. I soak up sounds -- vignettes. Just over there stands the sweet friend who loves me through everything. Oh, and look! Walking through the door is the one who believes I can accomplish anything! The one standing in the corner is the one who makes me want to be a better person. And here, here is the one whose good opinion of me means more than any other. I smile at the one who catches my eye and knows exactly what I am thinking. These are the moments I treasure. This is what makes life breathtakingly bittersweet. My heart overflows with happiness and sorrow. Every minute is precious and fleeting.

This Day Just Keeps Getting Better

I was going to post additional thoughts on kissing today, including the need for liqueur-flavored lip gloss, but instead leave you with more evidence of how great this day is. Laurie is turning into a squishy love-puddle as we speak!

Awwww

How sweet is this? Makes me all squishy...

Random Things

I am going to plagiarize Troy's concept of listing off observations and supply you with my own list of random things today.

1. I feel weird about my birthday
2. I don't feel weird about fun birthday cards, especially ones with roaches on them
3. Hair Dryers can spark hours of entertainment
4. Last night I "had plans" AND a boy bought my dinner
5. Two words: Sweetie Pie
6. For the next few weeks I plan to expand my vocabulary of military terms
7. There is no reason to craft your own underwear
8. Certain things should just NOT be part of the public domain
9. Car repairs are not fun
10. My day is all messed up because I can't dance in these shoes
11. Narnia Geeks ROCK!
12. My occasional lack of self-awareness can lead to startling observations (bouncing is not cool)
13. Two more words: Pirates and T-Shirts
14. I have the best job and boss in the world
15. Don't hate
16. Sometimes I glow in the dark

His Mercies are NEW Every Morning

I had every intention of continuing my "Dear Blog" entries this morning, but something too wonderful and miraculous happened this morning and I simply don't have anything silly to say. All I can think of is how truly amazing our God is! He has brought healing to a deep wound that I never thought would be healed. He is a God who binds up the broken-hearted! He is able to do immeasureably more than we ask or even imagine. Think about it...the Living God can do more than our imagination can even grasp! My imagination can take me a lot of places, but Immanuel, God With Us, can do so much more than that. He is Jehovah-Jireh...He provides all our needs according to His glorious riches through Christ Jesus. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! Amen and amen.

Tuesday

Dear Blog,

It's another fabulous day in my life where everyone wants to be me. Sometimes my popularity and success is a heavy burden to bear, but I remind myself that I have to be glamorous and exciting for all the little people out there. I can't forget them. So I go on shouldering the burden of fame to bring light and happiness to all the people who only have normal lives.

Sometimes people think that because I am a glamorous radio reporter, life is always perfect. But it's not. For instance, right now my "service engine soon" light is on in my car. There's nothing perfect about that. In fact, my car has been acting funny for a while now. It does this weird thing when I accelerate where it sometimes starts shuddering and takes a while to increase speed. And yesterday it was just idling and it shuddered again and I thought the engine was about to die. So Blog, there's a lesson to be learned from this also: don't stop hanging out with boys because one of them might be able to fix my car. I guess I spoke too soon yesterday.

Monday

Dear Blog,

It seems like ages since I have written to you. I have to admit that last week I toyed with the idea of putting you away forever. But then I heard from my 2.7 readers (shoutout to Moms!) and I realized you and I have a relationship that can't be put aside that easily.

Well Blog, last week was interesting. Of course, my life is always interesting...when you're a glamorous radio reporter there's never a dull moment. I bet people want to be me. They are probably so tired of their boring, mundane lives. I wonder what it's like to be boring. I wouldn't know...

So last week a lot of people said interesting things to me.
On Tuesday a boy at work gave me the appreciative up-down look and told me I was "lookin' good." Then on Friday another boy told me I was beautiful -- but then he followed that up with a clarification that he meant that in a platonic way. Then on Saturday another boy told me I am one of the beautiful people and that he was stalking me. By the end of the week, I felt pretty...pretty confused that is.

On Monday a boy told me I am very easy to talk to. On Thursday another boy told me I am approachable and easy to talk to. Then on Thursday, the Monday boy told me I talk enough for the two of us. Friday boy told me I like to talk a lot and on Saturday another boy told me I talk too much. When I offered to Monday/Thursday boy that I could just be silent for the rest of the evening, he decided he liked my talking after all. And they say girls are confusing...

Listen Blog, there's a lesson to be learned from all of this: Stop hanging out with boys.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!

The pressure is just too intense. It would appear that I have reached my blogging pinnacle. I have been noted on Steven's blog as having one of the best blogs (based on frequency of posting). Do you have any idea what this does to me psychologically?! I am only 26 and I have already reached the top in my blogging career!

There's nowhere to go but down from here. I can't fail to disappoint. There will come a day when I will miss posting, and then it will all be over. My 2.7 readers will drift. Oh sure, at first they will check faithfully every hour to see if I've posted anything. But by the end of the day when they realize they're not gettin' any, they will turn to other blogs to fulfill them. My blog will be meaningless and abandoned. Gone will be the days of blog-comments. No more will I hear the words "Hey, I was reading your blog the other day." People will mock me. I will end up depressed, sad and lonely...just me and my 7 cats, knitting my days away in solitude.

I was wrong

The hearing didn't last until midnight. It lasted until 1am. I filed my morning version at 2am. The upside to working a 17 hour day is that my boss called me this morning (and woke me up) to tell me not to come in today.

On a serious note (yes Troy, I used the word "serious")...I saw an interesting lesson played out in this hearing. There was a simple reason for the extreme length of the hearing. It all came down to lack of leadership and effective authority. The chairman of the commission was supposed to hold each attorney to a certain time limit and enforce various rules throughout the proceeding. Instead, he just let the attorneys walk all over him and run the show. They kept running out of time and would just keep talking and he wouldn't make them stop. He allowed all sorts of comments to be made that should have been overruled. He attempted to be "fair" and ended up being weak. If he had been more forceful the hearing would have been carried out in a more judicial and timely manner.

The part that really struck me was that although the attorneys were running away with the show, they would have preferred a more structured hearing. They took advantage of the opportunity to do what they wanted. But it backfired on them by making the process so much longer and more difficult. How many times do we do that with God? We treat Him like a weak leader, like we think we know what is better for us and we don't have to listen to Him. We try to run the show and we end making everything more complicated and painful. God is not a weak, ineffective leader. But in our flesh we choose not to accept His authority and end up getting stuck in a miserable situation.

I pray I will have the humility to let the Lord lead, resting in the knowledge that He knows the schedule, the methods and the final decisions for my life.

It Happened

Dinner. It was pizza. Matt is the best and ordered several large pies for all of us to share...then he paid for mine. Awww.
They gave us a 15 minute break, so we all rushed out into the snack room. It was like a shark feeding frenzy. There were journalists everywhere, all rushing toward the boxes of pizza, grabbing whatever they could get their grubby hands on. Everyone was eating and talking at the same time...it's not a pretty picture when you get a bunch of analytical, Type A, writer-geeks together in one room with food and caffeine and a limited amount of time in which to digest everything.

Now we're back in the hearing room, where we are enduring the cross-examination of witness #3. Councilwoman Alvarado is testifying that she had no knowledge of these bonuses and pay raises. She will likely be on the stand for at least another hour. Then we still have at least two more witnesses after that. At least. Joy.

The glamorous life of a reporter

For those of you who think I have a really cool job...well, I do. But sometimes it sucks. Like today. It is 6:08pm and I am sitting in a room at City Hall listening to a hearing into whether four city employees improperly received pay raises and bonuses. This hearing started at 9am...they didn't hear from the first witness until almost 1pm. All morning was spent arguing over procedures and whether certain documents could be submitted as evidence. We are currently hearing cross-examination of the second witness. That's two witnesses. Total. There are at least a half-dozen more. Which means we're lucky if this thing wraps up by 9pm. That's a generous estimate. Probably more like midnight. The part that makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a sharpened pencil is that I don't need to listen to all this testimony...all I need for the purposes of my report is a final decision. But that decision won't come until some time tonight. In the meantime, a reporter buddy of mine just stepped out to order pizza for us. We'll probably get a 15 minute break for dinner in about an hour. Woo hoo. After the decision comes, I will still have to do interviews and then put together a version for tomorrow morning. Then tomorrow I have a press conference at NASA at 9am...which means late night tonight, early morning tomorrow. Fantastic.

Shocker

This just in! Men like books about isolation and suppressed emotions and women like books about passion and inspiration! Who knew? My favorite graf from the article is this one: "The researchers also found that women preferred old, well-thumbed paperbacks, whereas men had a slight fixation with the stiff covers of hardback books." So many metaphors for life right there in that sentence.

Read the full story here.

I've got nothin' to say

Sorry everyone. Laurie's in a down mood today, so no funny stories. Here's how I'm feeling:

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I found no meaning.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I could save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

~James Blunt

I'm in luv

Mark this day on your calendars. April 7, 2006 is currently the bestest day ever! Let me explain why.

My day started at an ungodly hour. I had an early morning meeting to go to before work. After my meeting I went back home and had some down time before going to the office. I was looking forward to my assignment today. I was supposed to go to the Habitat for Humanity headquarters where they were going to surprise 25 families with the announcement that they were approved to get a Habitat home. These families are all Hurricane Katrina evacuees who have been hoping to settle in Houston and weren't sure if they were going to get approved for the housing. A nice, warm, squishy story. Totally feel-good Friday kind of piece where you get all teary-eyed just being there to see it happen.

So I was already feeling good when I walked into the building. I looked around to appraise the situation, make some mental notes about the room (podium up front, no mult box, bad acoustics etc...). Then I glanced over to where some TV cameramen were setting up and I saw him. There he was , just across the room, shining like a beacon of pure preciousness. The only other reporter in the room was ANDY CEROTA!

Now some people crush on George Clooney. I crush on Andy Cerota. Some people fantasy-date Josh Hartnett. I fantasy-date Andy Cerota. He is just the cutest ever! Can we say U.C.L.A.? I heart him!

We were the only reporters there. THE ONLY ONES! To fully understand the magnitude of this, I suppose I have to explain a little bit of journalism etiquette here. Usually TV reporters talk to TV reporters, radio reporters talk to radio reporters, cameramen talk to everyone and newspaper reporters talk to no one. Sometimes there's some cross-pollination, if you will, but usually that's the pattern. The exception to this is when there's a small number of reporters in the room. Then everyone bonds together and forms one big, happy family. Which means...you guessed it. Andy and I are now tight. We chatted, we laughed, we made jokes, we whispered little comments during the press conference, we engaged in non-verbal communication (i.e. the eyebrow lift, the sideways glance, the hidden half-smile).

Can I just say...he smelled really good. Yes, we were that close. Sigh.

Cubans are Cute

I got two emails from people I met in Cuba this week. I haven't posted them before because I didn't have them translated. They are so sweet and encouraging. The first is from a girl I met on the college retreat named Lili. She and I really connected and spent a lot of time talking over the course of three days. (She's the one who introduced me to my Cuban boyfriend.) :) Lili is studying to be a doctor and has an interview with American officials about the possibility of moving to the U.S. Her interview is later this month. We also discovered that her birthday is just a few days before mine. We hung out a lot and had a great time just being together. Pray for her faith to be strengthened and nurtured and for her possibility of coming to the U.S. Here's her email (translated into English).

"Dear Laurie, we miss you so much. All of you have had a great impact in our hearts. If God willing, I hope to see you again one day. Keep your faith in God because only He can make anything possible. Help the people in need and each day you will take a step forward. I'd never want to lose this friendship. When you see the other people from the group tell them that they are very special because with you guys I learned that we must give our lives to God and that's what you all do. Thank you for being who you are, God has good things in store for you just put yourself in His hands.
"To cultivate life as a community requires humility."
I wish that you be very blessed by God, a friend Lili."

The other email I got this week was from Yalien. He was this guy who just seemed absolutely fascinated with our whole group. He could barely speak any English at all and would force one of his friends to follow him around everywhere and translate conversations with us. He gave me his phone number which cracked me up because it's not like phone calls to Cuba are a piece of cake and it would be pretty darn difficult to talk to him over the phone considering we don't speak the same language. Here's his email (also translated).

"Well you told me I could write to you in spanish and I will but if you prefer for me to do it in english, I could try. How are you? I haven't been able to write but this is an opportunity to test it and if it works then I will write to you with more patience. I have a lot of things to tell you and share with you but I have to go to class.

A kiss and write to me,
Yailen"

Now here's the really cool part about this whole emailing thing. I speak a little Spanish, but not enough to fully translate these emails. So I have been asking a co-worker of mine to help me. She is not a Christian, but she is translating for me and reading the comments about God etc. When she first translated Lili's email her reaction to it was "this is so sweet!". So I am praising God not only for the opportunity to write to my friends in Cuba, but also the ministry to my co-worker. Pray that her heart would be softened toward the things of God and that He would use these emails to create opportunities to share the gospel.

Gloria a Dios!

I Don't Kiss and Tell

Okay, well...maybe I do. But the point is there are frequently soooo many things that I want to blog about but I can't blog about. Sometimes it's more than I can stand. Which is why you will occasionally see something questionable on my blog. So here I give you a list of subjects in no particular order which are associated with recent stories or conversations. Some may seem obvious, but you really don't know what they mean. I want to blog about all of them. I just can't.

Placentas
BLANK IS DATING BLANK!!!
Men in Spandex
Tampons
Slow-growing toenails
Not at all, bad timing, too early
I'm going to slit my wrists and...
Honorable Gentleman
Dishonorable Player
Hot Mocha seeks Iced Caramel

My Life is an Acid Bath

My hate-hate relationship with roaches is well-known and documented. If possible, my hate for them has increased over the past few days. Join me in my vendetta against them.

It all started last Wednesday with what I thought was going to be a truly wonderful day. The pest control people came out to spray the house on Wednesday afternoon (thanks for the tip Moms!). I breathed a sigh of relief just knowing that the poison was seeping through and spreading death in my house. I realized I would probably see a few dead roaches here and there for a couple days. Little did I know the revenge they would exact upon me.

It started Thursday evening. The fabulous three had some girls over for dinner. As we were sitting around the dining room table I heard someone gasp. I immediately realized what must be happening and jumped up on my chair. At that moment a cockroach ran out FROM UNDER THE DINING TABLE and ran across the room. He had been lurking under there...where our feet were. I was barefoot even! Kristen grabbed some paper towels and crushed him as I screamed from atop the chair. I wasn't really comfortable for the rest of the evening.

Friday morning comes around and Kristen finds FOUR dead ones scattered around the house. Well good, at least they're dying.

Saturday evening I have a friend over for dessert. I prepare some freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies to make cookie sundaes. She arrives and I give her a tour of the hellhole. The tour lasts approximately 15 minutes, after which we go back into the kitchen to serve dessert. I am standing in front of the tray of cookies, warming up the fudge sauce in the microwave. I reach out to pick up a cookie and nearly faint in the process. There is a HUGE roach ON MY COOKIES!!! He is raping the sanctity of my cookies. It was one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen. He looked at me and laughed as he violated my cookies. Then he ran into our stove! Kristen turned on the burners and the oven in the hopes that we could fry him.

Sunday is roach-free. Praise God.

Monday I get home from work and find dead roaches everywhere. I am incapable of picking them up and my roommates decide they can't handle it either. So I send cry for help to a friend. Here's what the text said: "I need your help! There are SIX dead cockroaches in the house. I am frightened." My friend calls me immediately to see how bad the situation is. Turns out he is watching the NCAA championship game and isn't really in the area. So I decide to move on to my next victim, err, I mean friend. Another text message goes out. A desperate plea for assistance. By this time ANOTHER dead roach is found which brings our count up to seven. I get a call back and tell my friend about the predicament. He starts laughing at me because I can't even get my thoughts out in complete sentences. He puts me on speaker phone so the other person in the room can laugh at me too. I am not amused. He takes me off speaker phone and tells me he will be there in about 15 minutes. I feel a little better.

As I wait for him to arrive I decide I need a calming influence. I sit on my bed and open my Bible. I am there for about five minutes when I hear a slight rustling sound and notice some movement out of the corner of my eye. I look to my left and there is a GIANT cockroach CRAWLING UP MY CURTAINS JUST INCHES FROM MY HEAD!!!! I literally scream and fly off the bed and out of the room, clutching my Bible and starting to cry. My roommates come running and they don't see the beast right away. I am jumping up and down in the hall pointing at the curtains, trying to communicate the horror of what is happening. Finally they see him and go on the offensive. He drops onto my bed (shudder) and starts running around on my bed before jumping down to the floor. He is now scurrying on the floor in my room and Kristen shouts for someone to hand her a shoe. All three of us are screaming. Dinah grabs a shoe off my shoe rack (my second favorite pair) and Kristen beats him to death.

I am hyper-ventillating in the hall, still clutching my now crumpled and bent Bible. We all start laughing/crying and begin to settle down. I glance back into my room and realize HE IS NOT DEAD. The roach has resurrected and is attempting to make his getaway. I start screaming again and run into the bathroom to grab a can of Raid. Dinah sprays him and he starts twitching and convulsing. We leave the room again. Next thing I know, he is making ANOTHER getaway. Dinah sprays him into oblivion and I run downstairs hoping desperately for my friend to show up and rescue me from this nightmare.

My friend knocks on the door about five minutes later. He has arrived and he brought back-up. The two men go through the house, sweeping up cockroach carcasses. They end up with piles of roaches...they lose count. Then they go into my room to collect the bodies from in there. We think the beast is under my armoire. One of them leans down to look under and tells me my carpet smells really good, like Febreze. I inform him that he's smelling Raid. They can't find the roach. He's like the Houdini of vermin. After much searching, he is discovered burrowed under a corner of my comforter on the floor. I plan to burn my comforter tonight.

Finally all the bodies are removed from the premises and after much consolation and counseling from the two knights-in-shining-armor, I am calmed down enough to sit on the furniture and start normal breathing patterns.

I am going apartment hunting tomorrow...in Siberia. I am told they don't have roaches there.

Fairest Lord Jesus

Fairest Lord Jesus, Ruler of all nature
O Thou of God and man the Son;
Thee will I cherish, Thee will I honor
Thou my soul's glory, joy and crown.

Fair are the meadows, fairer still the woodlands
robed in the blooming garb of Spring.
Jesus is fairer, Jesus is purer
Who makes the woeful heart to sing.

Fair is the sunshine, fairer still the moonlight
and all the twinkling starry hosts.
Jesus shines brighter, Jesus shines purer
than all the angels heav'n can boast.

Beautiful Savior,Lord of all nations,
Son of God and Son of man!
Glory and honor, praise, adoration
now and forevermore be Thine.

You are fairer still today.
Precious Jesus, Lord you are adored
as we worship. We worship.