Monday, May 22, 2006

Blogiversary

This week marks the completion of my first year as a blogger. I decided to do something a little bit different to celebrate the momentous occasion. In honor of my blogiversary, I have asked five people to be guest bloggers on QQ. So each day this week, you will read an entry from a new guest blogger. Some of these bloggers will choose not to reveal their identities. Others will let the whole world know who they are. I put no limitations on their entries. They were told they could blog about any topic, for any length and use any alias they want. So sit back and enjoy the musings of your first guest blogger.

~Laurie
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Kissing is Hot

When Laurie asked me to be a guest blogger on her site, I was delighted. You see, I don’t have a blog because I am too vain. Too vain you say? Yes, and having a blog would just make things worse. You see, a blog would require me to indulge daily in my fabulous humor and occasionally post devastatingly gorgeous pictures of myself on the net. Such actions would cause me to fall deeper and deeper in love with myself until I completely obliterate any guy’s chance of loving me more than I love myself. Consequently, I refrain from blogging.

Ah, but a guest spot on a blog? Oooooh. That’s hot. Yet subtle. It only allows me to completely indulge in myself for one day. And I get to speak my mind. Sexy. But what to write about? I must be witty and clever, yet serious and educated. The pressure! There is just one topic that I can write about that covers all of my criteria. Kissing. Yep, you heard me: Kissing. Snogging. Frenching. I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of kissing.

So here you have it, my guest blog spot on kissing. Drum roll please…

Kissing 101 by Shanna

As many of you know, Mr. Johnson (Laurie’s Dad) has declared 2006, The Year of the Kiss. In honor of that declaration, I would like to reveal my opinion on the different types of kissers.

Bad kissers:
When I think of bad kissers, I think of one thing. Eel tongue. Easy there, Johnny Tongue. We like you slow and sweet. Too much tongue is like too much soup. It leaves you dripping from the mouth. Not cute. So, cut back on the tongue. And cut back on the pace. This is not a 100-meter dash. Nobody is waiting at the finish line to give you the fastest kisser award. So Carl Lewis Kisser, slow down, take your time. And wipe that slobber off your cheek.

First date kissers:
There are two types of people who fall into the first date kissing category. 1) Drunk and/or skanky people; 2) People who like to break rules. I will ignore #1, as all of my Southern Baptist friends are neither drunk nor skanky and refrain from such atrocious acts. I will, instead, address #2.
People who kiss on first dates are the rebels who laugh in the face of kissing rules. They rebuke the rules of kissing. They think that people who don’t kiss on the first date are kissing sissies. Plus, they think that people who don’t kiss on the first date have a flawed mathematical kissing formula. You see, guys who don’t kiss on the first date don’t want to seem too aggressive and want to “respect the girl,” so they go home empty mouthed. Then they go on a second date and think, “I can’t kiss her tonight. If I kiss her this soon, she will know that the only reason I didn’t kiss her on the first date is because I didn’t want to break the first date kissing rule.” So, Mr. No Kiss, Esq. goes home again sans kiss. On the third date, he definitely can’t kiss her because EVERYONE kisses on the third date. It is so the date to kiss. If the third date kiss were a clothing brand, it would sell out of Barney’s and would be in US Weekly. So, again, Mr. No Kiss, Esq. leaves without swapping spit. This type of kissing math proof has yet to be cracked by mathematical scholars. So, while Mr. No Kiss, Esq. is sitting around waiting for a mathematically appropriate time to kiss, Mr. First Date Kisser, Ph.D. has kissed his gal on five different occasions. Do the math. First date kissing adds up.

Good kissers:
Next to napping and Diet Coke, nothing beats a great kisser. But how does one become a great kisser? It is simple. Just follow the What Makes a Good Kisser Guide below and you will be locking lips in no time. Money back guarantee.
What Makes a Good Male Kisser:
1) Slow and steady wins the race.
2) Touch her face before you kiss her and pull her in.
3) Peck her first and slowly move in for a good kiss.
4) Act like you are going to kiss her. Get really close, slide your lips across hers and then pull away.
5) Don’t use too much tongue!
6) Tell her she is a good kisser

What Makes a Good Female Kisser:
1) Beats me, I haven’t kissed any. A male will have to blog about this one.

So, there you have it, my very special guest-starring role on Laurie’s blog. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time with you. I would be happy to help you personally with any kissing practice you may need. On second thought, the charming and utterly kissable Laurie Johnson would be happy to help you. This is the year of the FIRST Kiss. I’m tainted.

I leave you with the following kissing quotes:

For those who enjoy my kissing humor:

“A peach is a peach,
a plum is a plum,
a kiss ain't a kiss without some tongue,
so open up your mouth, and close your eyes,
and give your tongue some exercise.”

For those who think I am destined for Hell after this blog posting:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.
~ Song of Solomon 1:2
Honey and milk are under your tongue. ~ Song of Solomon 4:11b

For those who think I am a ridiculous idiot:
Kiss my grits.

For those who are completely charmed by me and think I am splendidly clever:
Kiss ME!

9 comments:

rwt said...

Song of Solomon prooves that the original kiss with a tongue is a "Hebrew Kiss" and not a "French Kiss"

Great post!

On a side note:
I must say that although we get a tainted view from 'outsiders', Aggies have this MUGGING THING down PAT!! Now if we could just get our football team to score more then WE COULD!!

Sarah said...

Hilarious!

Justin said...

Post too long. Need summary.

Eye Doctor Justin said...

funny stuff Shanna, and informative... Maybe we should all start greeting each other with a holy make-out.

EBay said...

I think eye doctor justin has the right idea... a few of us tried to implement this practice in the Illuminate class a few months ago, but it never took off....

dovie said...

There are so many lines in this post that need to be included on the next "We Salute You" beer commercial (was that Bud or Miller?).

Shanna said...

Dovie, You are the first person to notice! I intentionally wrote the post to the tune of the Bud Light commercials. Nice job. Lush.

dovie said...

Lush? ME?? Ahem...I resemble that comment. Those are some of my favorite ads, and thanks to my good friend Paige I actually have a few of them in my iTunes for on-demand listening pleasure!

Eddie V. said...

Hi-

I believe Song of Solomon is referring to a married couple not singles making out. Since I am now married, my best advice would be to hold out on that type of kissing until you're married. If someone experiences this type of kissing, it can go too far in a hurry.