Absolutely Ridiculous

I bought the most ridiculous pair of shoes the other day. I was at DSW looking for a pair of stylish, but sensible, black heels for work outfits. Just as I was about the leave the store, my glance fell on a pair of shoes that literally caused me to catch my breath. It was like love at first sight. I tried to stay grounded, reminding myself that they probably weren't my size and even if they were, they would probably be out of my price range.

But love doesn't listen to reason.

I picked up the box and discovered to my joy that they were my size. (Okay, they're actually a little big. I wear a 7. These are a 7 1/2.) They're probably way too expensive, I thought. I checked the price tag. They were marked 40% off of an already reduced price. In fact, with the reductions they would end up costing less than $40. Could it be possible? Does love ever work this way? It's true, dear friends. Some stories do have happy endings. Some people are lucky enough to have their dreams come true. And some shoes can make a girl happy.

The above shoe is NOT an example of a stylish, but sensible, black heel.

My PP

I have patio furniture! On Monday, Fountain and I drove out to Katy to pick up this set from my mom. She decided she didn't want it any more. So I am now the owner of free patio furniture. Project Patio is starting to take shape! I think the next phase will be a water garden.

Of course, by the time I get everything in place, it'll be so freakin' hot outside that we'll all just look at the patio from inside the air conditioned comfort of the living room.

Weekend Wrap-up

Drove a friend to the airport. Baked bread. Replaced thermostat. Napped. Partied. Lunched with the girls. Shopped. Went to church. Drove to Katy. Picked up patio furniture. Washed laundry. Partied. Pruned plants. Chilled with one of the girls. Watched a movie. Reluctantly admitted the weekend was over.

Homemade Bread: Before

Homemade Bread: After

Friday Funnies: The Anniversary Edition

Today is my two-year blogiversary! On this day, two years ago, I began what would become one of the most meaningful relationships of my life. Okay, perhaps that's an overstatement. But it has been really fun and I hope it continues for at least another...whatever...

Anyway, in celebration of Two Years of Dedicated Service to my QQ readers, I am posting some of the Greatest Hits of the Friday Funnies. I actually combed through every FF entry and culled my favorites out of the bunch. Enjoy!

These are the things that made me laugh each week:

"My mother is pushy and stubborn. You would like her."

"Would you really want your speedo mounted anywhere else?"

"Quick! Tell her she's pretty!"

"I'm looking forward to meeting Laverne and Shirley."

"All metaphors should be cold and delicious."

Me: "Because of you, I'm not getting any."
Guy: "Sleep! She's referring to sleep!"

"Are you two involved in a bro-mance?"

"I'm nobody's bubba."

Me: "I bought a new dress for our date."
Guy: "Me too."

"I hope I didn't pressure him with my eyes."

"I think I bit Laurie on Thanksgiving Weekend."

"Are you practicing safe text?"

"I need to work on my Schlitter-body."

"I'm glad our church supports pagan fertility rituals."

"I touched your boob with the love of the Lord."

"Giving me my own radio show would be like giving an atomic bomb to Kim Jong-il."

"You can't put that on a felt board."

Overjoyed

You'll never believe what I received this week! A couple of days ago, I checked my office mailbox and noticed a large white envelope. It was inter-office mail from another department. I opened it and nearly fainted with the extreme joy and honor of receiving a Certificate of Recognition in Sincere Appreciation of 5 Years of Dedicated Service!

That's right. I've worked here for five years now and that kind of dedication does not go unrewarded. I am so proud of my Certificate of Recognition. It is SO much better than a bonus.

I'm in love

I met an incredible person today and fell totally in love. Her name is Lula. That's right. She's a she.

Lula is in her 70's. She is what I term a spitfire. She is sassy, smart and hilarious. She writes love poems to her husband, who she's been married to for 52 years. She wears bright red dresses. She likes to dance. She laughs at her own jokes. She is friends with everyone. She loves telling stories. She is beautiful.

I hope I can grow up to be like Lula.

It's nearly 4pm

I just realized I forgot to eat lunch today.

Call me Martha

I don't have any plans on Saturday. So I have decided I am going to install a new thermostat in our house and bake homemade bread. I am super excited about the bread. I don't make it very often because it's so time-consuming. But it's one of my favorite things to bake. Nothing compares to the incredible aroma of warm, yeasty bread filling the whole house. And nothing compares to the taste of homemade, fresh-from-the-oven bread. Delightful.

If you're in the neighborhood, drop by and join me for a slice.

Got Creeps?

The following is a transcript of an actual voicemail message I received.

"Hi Ms. Johnson...this is Greg Leach with Leach's Creepy Guy Exterminator Service. I was...uh...notified you were having some...uh...issues with a certain individual and I just wanted to call and offer my services...and just so that you can have all the information...I do take cookies as payment. So please give me a call back when you get a chance...and when you stop laughing."

I have decided to contract for services with this company. For any of you who may be having similar problems, I'll let you know if I am pleased with the work performance and will be happy to provide a referral.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"There are definitely feet in that movie."

"I can hold my water."

"Lord, we pray that NPR would become a Christian, conservative talk show. Amen."

"I am the smartest woman alice. I mean alive."

"I figured that would be a good picture for you to get some ideas on what you could have in your garden."

"NPR Ultimate Fighting Challenge."

"Your mom is the true American Idol."

"You can't put that on a felt board."

"We have matching lip gloss. It'll confuse peeps even more. They won't know who to kiss."

"I realized that I am afraid of men. Crazy, huh? Especially since I like them so much."

Creepy Stalker Fan

Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call at the office. One of my co-workers answered the phone and the person on the other end asked to speak to me. So I took the call. The man on the phone proceeded to tell me how much he enjoyed listening to the station.

"Oh, that's nice. It's always good to hear from a listener who likes what we're doing."

Then he started talking about how much he loves listening to my stories and how I sound like I really love my job.

"You're very kind."

Now he's talking about how great our website is. He's been looking around on there and...oh...by the way...he noticed my picture. It's in black and white. He really likes it. He thinks I look very...nice. He was thinking maybe he could mail me a card or something...if there's an address he could mail it to. He really likes that picture of me.

"Thanks for calling! Have a great day! Buh Bye!"

The Apple...

Doesn't fall far from the tree. Apparently shadiness is in my DNA. It runs in the family.

I was talking to my mom this week when she told me she was thinking about changing jobs. She works as a nurse in Labor & Delivery. She usually works the overnight shift, and she gets tired of it. So I was expecting to hear her say she was thinking about leaving the hospital to work at a clinic. I was wrong. My mom looks at me with a completely straight face and says...

"I think I'm going to start a phone sex company."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Mom: "Yeah. I'm already used to working nights and I figure it would be really easy. I've already thought of a name for the company: Night Nurses."

Me: *absolute and utter silence*

Mom: "I figure all I have to do is say things like 'Oh Baby' and ask questions."

Me: "Ask questions?"

Mom: "Yeah. Like 'do you know what I'm touching right now?' Things like that."

Me: "Please don't ever mention this conversation again. I feel sick to my stomach."

Of course, my mom was just joking. I think.

Drum Roll, Please

You know her. You love her. Please welcome bbrown to the blogging world. The blog is really great...and not just because I've already been mentioned by name in one of her entries.

She'll be signing autographs at her next public appearance.

How does your garden grow?

Project Patio is actually starting to look pretty. My mom is all excited that I am gardening now. She has always loved to garden, so I think she feels like I am following in her footsteps. Plus, she knows a lot about plants and can teach me some mad gardening skills. It's sort of a bonding thing.


She bought me a watering can (see photo). She also gave me a lovely Boston Fern and a red bromeliad (see second photo).


See the container on the ground next to the gate? That's an entire "Laurie-themed" container garden. She picked out all the plants because they made her think of me. The plants represent my love of cooking, my faith and my girliness. So the container holds a Shrimp plant, "Grape Expectations" Coleus (which also gives nod to my love of literature), Pineapple Coleus , Wandering Jew, Angel Wing Begonia, Pink Polka-Dot plant, Blusher Coleus and Maidenhair Fern among other things.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

On snoring:
"There's no way his lungs could possibly make that kind of noise."

"Don't burn your butt when you sit down."

On the subject of guys and girls liking each other:
"Not those two. Those two."

"Have you heard the one about the narcoleptic bird?"

"We are not going to indiscriminately snuggle."

"I have no words for you. You are mean and evil. I loathe you, Laurie, I loathe you."

Big Plans

I've been on vacation all week. Each day has had a theme.
Monday = "Perfect Hostess Day"
Tuesday = "Errands and Details Day"
Wednesday = "Catch Up with Friends Day"
Thursday = "Trendy Cosmopolitan Day"
Tomorrow, Friday, was supposed to be "Beach Day"

The forecast for tomorrow is "mostly cloudy with a good chance of showers and thunderstorms. Strong storms will be possible with gusty winds, hail and heavy rain."
Not exactly Beach Day weather.

So now...
Friday = "Stay in My PJs and Watch Movies Day"

Taking up my cross

Yesterday I was feeling a little sad. It was just one of those days. So this morning I began contemplating some of that sadness and examining my emotions. The Lord brought to mind a particular wound in my heart that seems as though it will never heal.

I began to cry out to the Lord about that pain and sorrow and I said out loud "This is killing me, God. You're killing my heart with this sorrow."

Right in that moment the Lord responded and said "Yes, I am. I am killing all the things in you that are not from me. I am killing every thought, every emotion, every hurt and every comfort that keep you bound. I will put to death all of those things, and it will hurt. But it is my good and perfect plan for you."

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ~ Galatians 2:20

The Adventures of Tom

It's time for Tom to make another appearance on my blog. He's quite the guy. There aren't many men out there who get their own blog entries on the QQ.

So here's what I learned about Tom over the course of a weekend spent in East Texas.

If I had needed him to, he could have foraged for roots and berries, killed and butchered a wild hog, built a shelter, created natural mosquito repellent and sunscreen, and rescued me out of a burning building.

As it was, all he actually had to do over the weekend was play some serious sand volleyball, wear a dress, rendezvous by the containment pond, show off a boar tusk, kill a cockroach and rescue a puppy out of a burning building.

You really should get to know Tom.

Help!!!

I don't know what to get for my mom for Mother's Day. Ideas?

Retreat Recap

I really want to blog about my East Texas Adventures from the weekend, but it's hard to know where or how to begin. I think maybe a list of bullet points will get the message across without going into the whole story.

• 100 miles on my car just to get dinner
• La Enchilada...like a Taco Cabana gone bad
• El Burrito. Nuff said
• Shrimp Boat Manny's...finest seafood in Livingston
• Containment Pond...not Consummation Pond
• Birds falling out of the sky
• Centipedes vs. Scorpions
• Foraging for roots and berries
• Romantic three-party walks around the lake

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I was jaded by his tallness."

"Council Votes to Cage Children."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to grab you there."

"I guess this means we're getting a new mom and dad."

On the subject of the Dalai Lama being nearly 40 minutes late for a lecture:
"The Dalai Lama is either a procrastinator, disorganized, anal, or he is implicitly giving a lesson on patience. Whatever it is, I like it."

Growing Herb

Phase One of Project Patio is going well. I planted an herb garden. I now have a thriving patch of chives, dill, cilantro, marjoram and basil. Last night I used some of the cilantro with mashed avocado and dry spices to make a rustic guacamole. Tonight I plan to use some of the basil in a fresh tomato salad. It makes me feel like I am doing my part to promote a sustainable lifestyle.

Pearly Confusion

Buying toothpaste sets my teeth on edge.

I went grocery shopping last night and made it all the way through the store without having to make a complicated decision...until I got to the toothpaste aisle. Suddenly I was confronted with a multitude of options. I had more choices than a Chinese buffet.

Whitening. Extra Whitening. Pro-Health. Cavity Protection. Tartar Protection. Tartar Protection Whitening. Baking Soda Peroxide Whitening with Tartar Protection. Maximum Strength Sensitivity Protection Whitening Plus Scope. Gel. Paste. Mint. Vanilla Mint. Citrus Clean Mint. Green Tea Mint. Lemon Ice. Cinnamon.

And all of that JUST from Crest. Don't even get me started on Colgate, Aquafresh, Aim, Sensodyne, Oral-B...

I don't even know which one I purchased.

An Alarming Trend

Yesterday morning I woke up two hours before my alarm went off and I couldn't go back to sleep.

Today I woke up 45 minutes before my alarm went off.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.