Brian's Back!

Okay, well not back exactly. But he's blogging again. Love ya Brian!

Me Again

I can't do any work right now. The program we use to write our news reports in is down and they can't figure out what's wrong. This means all the work I've already done may be lost. I saved it, but the tech guy thinks the program wasn't even connecting to a network, so it may not have actually saved. Fantastic.

But there is good news. Roger Clemens has signed with the Astros to play out the 2006 season. I was at Starbucks on Sunday morning and read "The Way I See It" quote on the cup. Here's what it said.

"It's often said that baseball is life, or is like life, or that going to a baseball game is like going to church. Piffle. Baseball is like baseball, and that's plenty good enough because nothing else is quite like baseball." ~Rob Neyer, ESPN.com columnist

That is my second favorite Starbucks cup quote.

Two for the price of one

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, two blog entries in one day. More entries could be forthcoming...I feel like I have a lot of material right now.

Now that I've slept on it, I feel the need to elaborate on yesterday's post. The day started out well. I met a friend for breakfast at Buffalo Grille. As I was placing my order, the manager of the restaurant told me I was beautiful. Suddenly, Buffalo Grille became my favorite restaurant in the world! He then pointed to my eyes and said "beautiful" again. By this time, I am feeling pretty good about life.

You would think this would get me through the day. But Pastor Gregg was right when he said "words wound."

Yesterday afternoon I was walking down the hall at my office and walked past one of my co-workers. He was standing near the mailboxes and had opened a package containing a book. He read the book jacket and then turned and handed the book to me. The title was Baby Proof. He said "Here, you'll enjoy this. It's a book for women who aren't going to have children."

I don't even remember what my response to him was. It was probably some sort of jumbled up sentence that didn't make sense. I just turned, walked straight into the ladies room and started crying.

It was awful.

How Cool is That!!!

I just had an instant messenger conversation with Todd...while he's in Cuba!!!

There I was, just minding my own business, when a little box popped up on my screen and it was Todd saying "what up sista." We got to chat a bit and he said everyone on the team is doing well and they are all having a great time. Remember to pray for them: for their safety, for salvation for the people they come into contact with and for the government to turn from wickedness and back to the Lord.

I'm back...sort of

I'm back in the blogging universe after handing over the QQ reins to five guest-bloggers last week. However, one of my co-workers made me cry this afternoon and I am just in a sad mood now. I don't feel like blogging. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and have something funny or fascinating to offer.

Blogiversary: Day Five

Well it's the final day of guest-blogging. I hope you have all enjoyed the experience. I love to hear feedback from you when I try something new on the blog. (I know Moms liked it. I'm betting the kissing entry was her favorite.)

Today's guest-blogger is Dinah Quintero. That's right folks, Dinah is making her blog debut right here on QQ. Her entry is a photo-documentation of events at our house.
*Warning: This entry contains graphic images and adult situations. Some material may not be suitable for children under 17.

~Laurie
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Have you ever wondered how roaches procreate?

Blogiversary: Day Four

Sorry for the delay in posting today's entry. The Enron verdict came down this morning, so it's been a bit hectic around here.

I have noticed the QQ guest-bloggers seem to have one thing in common: They like lists. Today's guest blogger is the fabulous Miss Beth Richards. Tell it, Sistah!

~Laurie
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Cleaning Tips for Bachelor(ette)s

THE FRIDGE

1. Take out can only survive in your fridge for about a week. After that, unless you want to microwave it until it becomes brick-like, it probably isn't safe.
2. If something is moldy in your refrigerator, throw it away. Mold can be green or white.
3. If a milk carton date is two months before today's date, DO NOT OPEN IT. If you try to pour out the milk down the sink, you will want to throw up. It will look like the butter you made in third grade pioneering, but it isn't the same.
4. Remember that drawer in the bottom of the fridge? Be careful. If you store fruits and veggies in it from that week you did South Beach four months ago, they might still be in there. Fruit that is squishy is not good. Vegetables that leak brownish-green fluid are not good.
5. Never use a stool to check out the top of the fridge. It's too scary. And never, ever, ever, look under the fridge or behind. It's WAY too scary.

THE HOUSE

1. Discard dead insect bodies by sucking them up with a vacuum cleaner hose. Large roaches can be scooped up using a credit card application and the envelope it came in. (Editorial note: This idea is insane and I do not advise following this advice. Instead, call your bestest guy friend and get him to come dispose of the vile intruder for you.)
2. The Swiffer is your friend. Only use it for fun. Put on some fun music with the Swiffer. It's neat to do experiments with it and to see if you can make a Wookie out of all the items collected on it. Something they don't tell you on the box: You can flip the Swiffer sheet over and use that side, too. Not quite as effective, but a cost-saving move.
3. If friends are coming over, grab a box and put all miscellaneous junk items laying around in it. Shove the box in the back of the closet. If you've put a Blockbuster movie in there, make sure you don't forget about it. Because that whole "No late fees" thing is a crock. They'll make you buy the movie.

THE BATHROOM

1. If it's conducive, put on swim goggles and yellow rubber gloves and spray down the whole bathroom with Scrubbing Bubbles. It will do all the work for you.
2. Only real Windex can get the toothpaste polka dots off your mirror. Use anything else, and you'll be disappointed with the results.

Blogiversary: Day Three

I hope you are all enjoying the QQ guest bloggers. I do want to post a small clarification. There has been some guessing as to identities. Just so you all know, the guest bloggers were chosen from a group of people who do not have their own blogs. So for all of you who think Todd is Mr. X, you're wrong. Mr. X, like all the others, does not have a blog.

Today's guest blogger is also anonymous. In fact, I'll be keeping this guest blogger's gender a secret as well. The entry is intended to be ambiguous...draw your own conclusions. Enjoy.

~Laurie
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The "18 Observations List" Originator

1. Chicken box lunches are ($500-70-9) expensive.
2. Cars are never to be considered "an investment."
3. Just because you think it, does not mean you should say it.
4. Shooting guns can be fun, I guess, but "Shotgunning" is not.
5. With the most eligible bachelor gone, men might not be so intimidated to ask.
6. Cool is a very relative term.
7. Sometimes wounds, when rubbed raw, can give you the greatest comfort.
8. Stories are best told in Sequence.
9. I hate Prairie Dogs -- Not Literally.
10. You're looking very "makie-outie" today! -- Can't hear that enough.
11. T-Holla needs to step up to the plate and represent.
12. "Dorkiness" can be so attractive!
13. You may not be a "favorite", but 'acquired tastes' can leave a lasting impression.
14. WE are never the Bridesmaid -- WE are all Brides!
15. Luggage Racks on cars are not very conducive to man.
16. Observer and Server: Nearly similar in spelling, but vastly different when considering their roles.
17. Who knew that laziness could look so good?
18. 18 observations -- that is just one too many...

Blogiversary: Day Two

Yesterday's post was enlightening and informative for many. I also heard from several people who told me the entry made them want to kiss. May I remind everyone that I am available for practice purposes. Ahem.

Today's entry comes from an anonymous guest-blogger who we will refer to as Mr. X. I hope you enjoy this entry as much as I do.

~Laurie
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Ten things that are great about being a single Christian guy.

1. Asking girls out.
2. A yes.
3. Good dates.
4. Forgetting about a no, moving on and asking again.
5. Learning to trust the Lord to bring the right woman into your life.
6. Watching people you care about find love.
7. Being set-up with a great Christian girl.
8. Making new single friends.
9. Dancing with a lot of girls.
10. Going to parties where there are single people.

Ten things that are hard about being a single Christian guy.

1. Asking girls out.
2. A no.
3. Bad dates.
4. Knowing what to do with an unclear answer.
5. Waiting for the Lord to bring the right woman into your life.
6. Watching people you care about find love.
7. "Losing" your friends as they get married.
8. Making new single friends
9. Loneliness.
10. Going to parties where there are couples and families.

Blogiversary

This week marks the completion of my first year as a blogger. I decided to do something a little bit different to celebrate the momentous occasion. In honor of my blogiversary, I have asked five people to be guest bloggers on QQ. So each day this week, you will read an entry from a new guest blogger. Some of these bloggers will choose not to reveal their identities. Others will let the whole world know who they are. I put no limitations on their entries. They were told they could blog about any topic, for any length and use any alias they want. So sit back and enjoy the musings of your first guest blogger.

~Laurie
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Kissing is Hot

When Laurie asked me to be a guest blogger on her site, I was delighted. You see, I don’t have a blog because I am too vain. Too vain you say? Yes, and having a blog would just make things worse. You see, a blog would require me to indulge daily in my fabulous humor and occasionally post devastatingly gorgeous pictures of myself on the net. Such actions would cause me to fall deeper and deeper in love with myself until I completely obliterate any guy’s chance of loving me more than I love myself. Consequently, I refrain from blogging.

Ah, but a guest spot on a blog? Oooooh. That’s hot. Yet subtle. It only allows me to completely indulge in myself for one day. And I get to speak my mind. Sexy. But what to write about? I must be witty and clever, yet serious and educated. The pressure! There is just one topic that I can write about that covers all of my criteria. Kissing. Yep, you heard me: Kissing. Snogging. Frenching. I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of kissing.

So here you have it, my guest blog spot on kissing. Drum roll please…

Kissing 101 by Shanna

As many of you know, Mr. Johnson (Laurie’s Dad) has declared 2006, The Year of the Kiss. In honor of that declaration, I would like to reveal my opinion on the different types of kissers.

Bad kissers:
When I think of bad kissers, I think of one thing. Eel tongue. Easy there, Johnny Tongue. We like you slow and sweet. Too much tongue is like too much soup. It leaves you dripping from the mouth. Not cute. So, cut back on the tongue. And cut back on the pace. This is not a 100-meter dash. Nobody is waiting at the finish line to give you the fastest kisser award. So Carl Lewis Kisser, slow down, take your time. And wipe that slobber off your cheek.

First date kissers:
There are two types of people who fall into the first date kissing category. 1) Drunk and/or skanky people; 2) People who like to break rules. I will ignore #1, as all of my Southern Baptist friends are neither drunk nor skanky and refrain from such atrocious acts. I will, instead, address #2.
People who kiss on first dates are the rebels who laugh in the face of kissing rules. They rebuke the rules of kissing. They think that people who don’t kiss on the first date are kissing sissies. Plus, they think that people who don’t kiss on the first date have a flawed mathematical kissing formula. You see, guys who don’t kiss on the first date don’t want to seem too aggressive and want to “respect the girl,” so they go home empty mouthed. Then they go on a second date and think, “I can’t kiss her tonight. If I kiss her this soon, she will know that the only reason I didn’t kiss her on the first date is because I didn’t want to break the first date kissing rule.” So, Mr. No Kiss, Esq. goes home again sans kiss. On the third date, he definitely can’t kiss her because EVERYONE kisses on the third date. It is so the date to kiss. If the third date kiss were a clothing brand, it would sell out of Barney’s and would be in US Weekly. So, again, Mr. No Kiss, Esq. leaves without swapping spit. This type of kissing math proof has yet to be cracked by mathematical scholars. So, while Mr. No Kiss, Esq. is sitting around waiting for a mathematically appropriate time to kiss, Mr. First Date Kisser, Ph.D. has kissed his gal on five different occasions. Do the math. First date kissing adds up.

Good kissers:
Next to napping and Diet Coke, nothing beats a great kisser. But how does one become a great kisser? It is simple. Just follow the What Makes a Good Kisser Guide below and you will be locking lips in no time. Money back guarantee.
What Makes a Good Male Kisser:
1) Slow and steady wins the race.
2) Touch her face before you kiss her and pull her in.
3) Peck her first and slowly move in for a good kiss.
4) Act like you are going to kiss her. Get really close, slide your lips across hers and then pull away.
5) Don’t use too much tongue!
6) Tell her she is a good kisser

What Makes a Good Female Kisser:
1) Beats me, I haven’t kissed any. A male will have to blog about this one.

So, there you have it, my very special guest-starring role on Laurie’s blog. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time with you. I would be happy to help you personally with any kissing practice you may need. On second thought, the charming and utterly kissable Laurie Johnson would be happy to help you. This is the year of the FIRST Kiss. I’m tainted.

I leave you with the following kissing quotes:

For those who enjoy my kissing humor:

“A peach is a peach,
a plum is a plum,
a kiss ain't a kiss without some tongue,
so open up your mouth, and close your eyes,
and give your tongue some exercise.”

For those who think I am destined for Hell after this blog posting:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.
~ Song of Solomon 1:2

Honey and milk are under your tongue. ~ Song of Solomon 4:11b

For those who think I am a ridiculous idiot:
Kiss my grits.

For those who are completely charmed by me and think I am splendidly clever:
Kiss ME!

Overheard in Houston

I was walking through the Kroger parking lot last night and noticed four guys loading a bunch of stuff into their car. They looked like they were around my age. They were talking and all I heard of the conversation was Dude #1 saying "This weekend is going to the best EVER!" and Dude #2 replying "Yeah, and I'm really excited about our s'mores!"

It made me laugh.

Everyone else is doing it

Since two fantastic guys already posted about The DaVinci Code I figured I needed to do the same. I just have one thing to say: The only thing controversial about that movie...is Tom Hanks hair. I mean seriously, it's just wrong.

The Single Life

The other day, I was waiting at an intersection when I noticed some pigeons on the ground. One of the male pigeons was clearly trying to impress one of his female friends. He was strutting around, puffing up his feathers and generally attempting to look as attractive, competent, successful and studly as possible. I could just imagine what he was saying to the cute chick he was pursuing. Probably things like "Hey, have you noticed the size of my wingspan?" or "yeah, I bring in a good 40-50 worms per week...work keeps me pretty busy these days" or maybe "your feathers look great, I bet they're soft too." He was really doing a great job of showing off. Unfortunately, the girl he was trying to impress could not have been less interested. Ain't that always the way...

Update

Bongo-Boy is playing his heart out at this very moment. If only it were Matthew McConaughey. He can play bongo drums at my next-door neighbor's house any time he wants. But no such luck. I think it must be a relative of my neighbor's. I saw a youngish man walking out with him the other day, looked like they could be father and son. Whoever it is, they love them some bongos.

Getting the message

I think maybe God is trying to tell me something. I think He's trying to tell me to get out of Houston's cutest hellhole while I still have life and limb.

Yesterday evening I was preparing to go for a walk. I had just finished lacing up my tennis shoes, grabbed my best friend (ipod nano) and was about to walk out of my room...when my light fixture dropped from the ceiling and landed on the floor just inches in front of me. Literally, if I had been standing three inches to the west it would have crashed onto my head. I stood there, dumbfounded. Then I just started laughing. If I don't laugh, I will cry.

Bedroom Eyes?

I am barely awake today. In fact, for the past several days my sleep has been fitful at best. Why? Simply because my next-door neighbor has decided to take up the art of bongo drums. That's right. Bongos. This wouldn't be so bad if the drumming were in the evenings, or even 10pm. But my bongo-lovin' neighbor apparently gets creative inspiration around 3am. That's three in the morning, people! For the love of all that is holy!

Go Coogs!

I got this mailout from my alma mater today. It's promoting the Moores School of Music's Texas Music Festival. This is the opening sentence:

"Here the best in chamber music, orchestra and jazz at the 2006 Texas Music Festival!"

Wow.
UH Learning. Leading.

I Want...

People have certain expectations from this blog. They come here to get a laugh and marvel at the insanity of my mind. I often refrain from posting serious topics for many reasons. It's not that I don't think of serious things. It's just that usually the things I think deeply on are not necessarily things that I want to share with the entire blogosphere. I like sharing my "real" moments with my closest friends. But today, I feel like being real on the blog. So here's some stuff I have been thinking about over the past few days...

I don't want an exciting life. I used to think I wanted a life of glamour and adventure. You know, an Indiana Jones meets Pride and Prejudice kind of life (now there's a movie for ya). But I have come to realize my desires are much more simple.

~I want to drink lemonade while sitting on a porch swing. ~I want to watch kids playing in a sprinkler. ~I want to spend my life with a man who will always be my best friend. ~I want to walk in a forest and hear the wind sailing through the trees. ~I want to bake bread. ~I want to invite friends over for coffee. ~I want to see the wonder on a child's face when he sees his first rainbow. ~I want to grow vegetables.~I want to hug someone and know that I don't have to let go if I don't feel like it. ~I want to find the beginning of a country road and drive on it all the way to the end. ~I want to say "I love you" and hear someone say those words to me. ~I want to play in the rain. ~I want to conform my will to that of the Father's.

So Lord Jesus, if any of these "wants" are not of you, take them upon Your altar.

In Da Club

The Troy is sweeping the nation.

Two- or Three-ply?

Another thing I learned last weekend was that guys have deep thoughts about the quality of toilet paper and how it should be utilized. Apparently whether you wad or fold says a lot about your personality. Yes ladies, these are the kinds of things they talk about.

Run Away, Run Away

I "retreated" this weekend. Here's a list of some of the things I learned over the course of my 37-hour retreat with other Summit peeps. (I have been informed that 18 is the perfect number of observations and I did it wrong last time. So 18 it is...)


1. It is very nice to have other people chauffeur, cook for and generally take care of me all weekend.
2. I will never think about bananas in the same way again.
3. Eye Doctor Justin will never think about BandAids in the same way again.
4. I'm not sure I am strong enough to confront the giants in my life.
5. I can never hear the words "you're pretty" too many times.
6. Some friendships mean more to me than I can ever possibly express.
7. I have control issues.
8. Three guys, one girl and a small sedan is a recipe for hilarity and shadiness.
9. Nobody doesn't like canoodling.
10. I feel most blessed when I am able to bless others.
11. Two words: dripping ooze.
12. Organic is good.
13. While it's natural for me to lead, it's so much nicer to be led.
14. When I have leftover meat all I have to do is slide it across the table.
15. Camp houses in Texas are like luxury hotels compared to camp houses in Cuba.
16. People owe me hugs. I will collect.
17. No phone service or email for a full weekend can be a very good thing.
18. I have no idea why I am so loved by my friends, but it is one of the greatest joys of my life.

My Brush with Greatness

Yesterday my assignment involved covering an event where former President Bush was speaking. I recorded his comments and then afterward went up front with the other journalists to snap pictures and hopefully catch a few extra remarks on tape. Here's one of the pictures I took...yes, I really was that close. After he shook hands and chatted with a few people, he walked away and disappeared from sight. I turned around to another person to wait for an interview opportunity. I was just standing there with my microphone and recorder, waiting patiently, when I heard a man's voice behind me saying "excuse me miss, do you mind if I come through here?". A hand brushed my shoulder and a very tall person (no snickering) squeezed by me and I looked up to see the president towering over me! Mr. Bush touched my shoulder! The former leader of the free world talked to me! The father of the current president asked my permission to cut through the crowd! It was so cool. I love my job.

Engrish

I had dinner at a Thai restaurant earlier this week. One of the dishes being advertised was "Chicken with Oily Chili Sauce." Mmmmm, I sure do love me some oily chicken.

Pretty much sums it up

I See Old People

This morning I was watching Good Morning America while getting ready for work. This commercial came on that showed two old people sitting in a taxi during a rainy, foggy day in some nondescript city. Next thing I know, the old couple is making out in the back of the cab! I mean, I'm not talking a sweet little peck, I'm talking serious tonsil-hockey! Then the announcer says "One of these people is wearing dentures. Can you tell which one?" For the Love! It was a commercial for Fixodent and was the most disturbing thing I have seen in ages. If you see this commercial come on, run away!

There Are Some Things Money Can't Buy

Talking on phone: free
Downloading one rap song while talking on phone: .99
Listening to your friend bust into an impromptu rap while on the phone: Priceless

High Maintenance

That's my personality type, according to the all-knowing Oracle of Starbucks. This thing is hilarious and you should definitely check it out. Just type in your drink of choice and it will tell you your personality type, accuracy guaranteed, satisfaction not so much.

My drink is the grande, non-fat, no-whip, peppermint mocha. I am described thus:

Personality Type: High Maintenance.
You pride yourself on being assertive and direct; everyone else thinks you're bossy and arrogant. You're constantly running your mouth about topics that only you would find interesting. Your capacity for wasting other people's time is limitless. Your friends find you intolerable, that's why they're plotting to kill you.

Also drinks: Water. Bottled, chilled with four ice cubes, a twist of lemon, in a crystal glass

Can also be found at: Trendy martini bars

O Wise, All-Knowing Oracle of Starbucks! How do you know me so well?!

I've Got Issues

My life is so crazy-busy right now that I have to use every available moment left to me. This evening I had 15 minutes to spare between two meetings, so I stopped by CVS to get a Mother's Day card for my mom. I figured I may as well do it now while I have an extra 15 minutes on my plate. So I am looking through the cards and none of them seem quite right. I picked up a card..."well that's nice, but not really what I want to say"..."this is sweet, but I'm not sure it fits the relationship"..."nice picture, but I am so not about the cards that rhyme"...as I looked through the cards I started thinking about what I was looking for. What did I want the card to say? How would I know that I found "the one"?

Then it dawned on me. I hadn't even been aware of it, but deep down inside I was looking for the card that would bring tears to my eyes. Nothing says Happy Mother's Day like the words "here Mom, I hope this card makes you cry." A few moments later I found it! The card that made my eyes well up. It was perfect. As I was leaving the store I couldn't decide if my desire for a card that made me cry was really sweet...or really sick. I think maybe a little of both...