Top Secret

I have a secret. Only two other people know about it and they are also sworn to secrecy. We have had this secret for less than 24 hours and it is already killing me. We have to keep this secret for two months. I have already said too much.

For Beth

Beth is bored today. She is sad because no one has emailed her, the blog updates are few and she hasn't received any personal text messages today. So I will hereby relate my Tale of Two Text Messages. (Cue dramatic, scary music.)

Last Wednesday, I received a text message from a number I did not recognize. The message was of a shady nature. An unidentified person asked me "What is the plural of penis? My friend wants to know." Of course, I was shocked and horrified that someone would send such a disgusting text message to me (translation: I thought it was really funny, but had no clue who sent it). I did not reply to the text because I figured it was some sort of prank.

On Sunday, I received another text message from the same phone number. This time the person asked "What is your address?" and that was a little creepy. Hmmm, let me see...should I reply to Mr. Anonymous Pervert Texter with my home address? Riiight. Again, I did not respond to the message.

On Monday, the same person called me. They're calling now! Ok, I am officially creeped out. I did not answer and hoped the person would leave a voicemail. They didn't. I started to send a text message to Troy, telling him about this latest attempt to cellphone stalk me, when they called AGAIN! I was in the process of typing the text message and I accidentally hit the "accept call" button on my phone. Ooops! I was stuck. I had to answer the phone and confront this wacko and deal with whatever obscenity they were about to spew over the phone line.

"Who IS this?", I demanded into the phone.

"This is Linda Brook*" a timid, meek voice answered.

I nearly died laughing. It was a girl from church! A girl I know! A girl who is very funny and sweet and had no idea she was freaking me out with her text messages. I have now programmed her number into my phone...so the next time she sends me a text of a shady nature I won't accuse her of being a perverted stalker.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

New "Secret" Crush

I might have a new crush. Don't tell Andy. It's just that I never see him these days. Our schedules are so different. It's like we have grown apart. Sometimes these things just happen. I'm not saying I don't still love him. I'm just saying that my love for him has changed. I mean, it's really hard to make long-distance relationships work. I need more from him than the occasional smile or glance across the room. I need real commitment, not just random encounters once every month or two. He will always hold a special place in my heart, but I think I have to give my secret fantasy crush status to someone else.

I refer you back to a previous entry.

I guess even then, deep inside, I knew the truth between us. I see Matt pretty often, usually at city council meetings. He's a newspaper guy. Newspaper guy=brilliant. Yesterday he offered to share story ideas with me. This is unheard of in newsworld. Reporters just don't share leads with reporters from other organizations. It's one thing to offer a lead to a co-worker, it's a completely different thing to offer a lead to a colleague at another outlet. Anyhoo, he made the offer and I accepted. Then I got his phone number. Now I just have to wait for a slow news day so I can have an excuse to actually call him.

The days are waning

August is almost over. You know what that means: I will be able to spend money at Starbucks again! I am so excited about the thought. In the meantime, I have a new Starbucks card that a kind benefactor tucked into my purse to tide me over until September. I will go do some studying tomorrow night and use it then. It makes me giddy just thinking about it. :)

Thanks to all who so willingly gave to the cause. Amy, Mrs. Warfield, Michelle, Todd, Troy and Darrick: because of you, I was able to have six Starbucks drinks and two croissants this month. You warm my heart.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"'Come back!' said all the pale little villagers as one of their own was swept up in the dark current of people..."

"Capella Haiku:

Oh sweet Capella
keeper of Katrina ambi
Wade is so gleeful

Republicans meet
Capella is on late night scene
She is excellent"
(A colleague wrote this for my co-worker Capella. I realize it's not funny to most of you, but it made me laugh and that's what the Friday Funnies are all about.)

"I take my dating much more seriously than my football."

"Laurie, have you ever been so drunk that the room was spinning?"
(A co-worker asked me this. I'm not sure he believed me when I said "no.")

"People I hate: A 427-Part Series"

"You and Ross should write a book together...'A Day in the Life of Shady People.'"

"All metaphors should be cold and delicious."

"Let me know if you want help picking out your first-date outfit."

"I dreamed about your blog last night. I was reading the Friday Funnies and, well, they just weren't funny."

Unfinished Business

A random list of bloggable items. I probably won't get around to blogging about any of these things.

• I had Starbucks on Tuesday. Thanks, Michelle!
• Katie and I got "shushed" at La Madeleine this morning. Apparently we were laughing too loud for the man at the next table who was talking on his cell phone.
• Yesterday I was at a restaurant when a man told me I am beautiful and he'll always remember my eyes.
• I miss Jessica and wish more of you knew her.
• I can cry more tears than I ever thought possible. Sometimes they won't stop coming.
• Sometimes I just need to be held. Sometimes there is someone there to hold me. Usually there isn't.
• I received my first dirty text message.
• I have believed a lie and I don't know how to unbelieve it. It's one of my deepest wounds.
• Two live cockroaches on Monday. One in the kitchen drawer.
• Ice cream makes me happy.
• I've journaled more this week than I have all year. Seriously.
• I need to meet Moms.

The Office

Our HR administrator sent out an email yesterday. The subject line is "Training Opportunity: Rape and Aggression."

I don't want to be trained in how to do these things.

And the days are not full enough

And the days are not full enough
And the nights are not full enough
And life slips by like a field mouse
Not shaking the grass

~Ezra Pound

Every good and perfect gift...

Sometimes blessings come in unexpected ways from unexpected sources.

On Saturday, I joined with several girls from my Sunday School class for a prayer breakfast. Amy's mom, Linda, came and shared a bit of her testimony. She was great -- very warm and engaging. In addition to sharing her testimony, she also shared goodie bags! Each package had an assortment of odds and ends: gum, pencil, chocolate etc... But the BEST part was the Starbucks gift card tucked inside! That's right! Without even knowing it, she blessed me with the one thing I was desperate for!

I am treasuring up my little Starbucks card. I plan to use it on Saturday. I have promised not to schedule anything on Saturday and have written the words "DO NOTHING" in my planner. Part of my "do nothing" day will include a delightful trip to my beloved Starbucks. I'm counting the hours until we can be together again.

As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love -- a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

~C.S. Lewis

The Office

Our elevator is really slow. So slow, it would appear someone requires a chair while waiting.

Friday Funnies

"Do you have any water? Because if you do, we'll stand here and pour it all over our bodies."

"In transexual relationships it can be hard to maintain plutonicity."
translation: in cross-gender friendships it can be hard to maintain platonic boundaries.

"I'm looking forward to meeting Laverne and Shirley."

"He staggers around like a drunk pirate."

Wardrobe Malfunction

This entry should probably fall under the "too much information" category. But I am past caring, at this point. Incidentally, I was accused of sharing TMI last night on the phone with a guy friend. Sorry Friend! You're about to get a double dose!

This morning I was planning my wardrobe for the day. I have one of those crazy days where it started out with an early breakfast meeting, then off to work after which I'm having dinner with a friend, then meeting up with another group of friends at another restaurant, then heading off to go dancing. Whew. So I knew I needed to wear something that would be appropriate for work, but still be fun and cute for a night out because I will have no time to go home and change.

I headed out the door feeling pretty good about my selection. V-neck shirt with jeans and heels and, because I am a Good Baptist Girl, a tank top under the shirt to keep anything questionable from showing. Yes, well, good intentions are better than nothing, right? As the day has progressed, said tank top keeps sliding lower and lower and lower. Like, really low. As in, "Hi, my name is Laurie and please also meet Laverne and Shirley who are making a public appearance today."

I can't decide which is better: do I keep tugging the darn thing up every five minutes or just embrace the situation and work it?

Flirting Baristas

Random thought: shouldn't a male "barista" actually be a "baristo"?

As previously mentioned, my Date from Last Night took me to Starbucks yesterday. Keep in mind that I had not been there in more than a week. Wow...eight days even. So my Date from Last Night and I walked up to the counter to place our order. When the barista saw me he exclaimed "Hey! It's been a while since I've seen you around here!" I had to explain to him that I am on Starbucks hiatus and that my absence wasn't the result of any personal animosity or lack of interest. I couldn't decide whether the fact that he missed me was funny or sad. But it drove the point home...my love affair with Starbucks runs deeper than even I realized.

My Love Story

I had a date tonight. Yes, it's true. I don't want to go overboard and start gushing all over this blog...but it was pretty magical. The date was with someone I've known for some time, but tonight was different. There was a spark in the air, like the feeling in the atmosphere just before a storm. I savored the moment, knowing I wouldn't have another like it for a long time. I had to treasure it up because there won't be a second date...at least not for a while. I have told my sweet Starbucks we must part ways for a time. We came together tonight and it was like I had never breathed before that moment. But it couldn't last. I had to leave and I won't return...

Taking My Vows

Last night I had dinner with all seven sides of Shanna. At least, I think all seven sides of her were there...I'll have to check and make sure. Anyway, the very young high-school hostess who seated us kept giving me odd glances and staring at me. As I sat down, she said "you look just like my chemistry teacher!" I laughed and said chemistry would be the last thing you would ever find me teaching. Throughout the evening, high-school hostess would pass by our table and stare at me. One time she walked by and said "Hi again. Is this your first time to eat here? I've never seen you here before." A few minutes later she referred to herself as "teacher's pet." When we left, she called after me "Goodbye, Teacher!" The funniest part is she attends a Catholic school. So I not only look like her chemistry teacher...I look like her chemistry teacher who happens to be a nun!

Call me Sister Laurie Elizabeth

Get Real

Some of you might be wondering about the poem I posted last night. Others have noticed and pointed out that I have been posting lots of poetry lately. One friend observed yesterday that he wasn't sure what to think about that or what it meant. Well, I am here to enlighten you. I think my blog is going through growing pains. Which really means I am going through growing pains. My blog has served as an outlet for my silly stories, off-beat humor and shady anecdotes. But I feel like it has been very one-dimensional. People who read my blog and don't know me personally will get a very skewed idea of who I am. I fear even the people who do know me may be misled by what they read here. The reality is...

I am not always happy.
I laugh a lot, but I don't always enjoy life.
I am easygoing, but I carry many deep hurts.
I put on a brave face, but I am scared.

In other words, I am just like every other person on the planet. I want my blog to reflect more of the complete me. So, from time to time, I will post things that reflect the way I am feeling. I may share a little bit more about my personal journey. I might make myself vulnerable. And I will still laugh and tell funny stories and relate the shady comments that get made to me each week. Have no fear! You will still be able to come to this blog and find something amusing to entertain you. But you might also find out a little more about me. I hope you'll like what you see, because it's just me trying to get real with you.

To ___

See me standing here?
I hope I look tough
to you. Tough and strong
and unafraid and
maybe defiant as well.
Maybe you look at me
and you are scared. I
hope so. I hope my
defiance convinces you
to never hurt me again.
Not that I will let you. You
aren't allowed in any more.
At the center
there is a heart dripping blood
telling you how much you're hurting me.
But it's lying. I won't let you
Hurt me.

~Laurie Johnson

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"In the name of Laurie Johnson, DIE!"

"Why do so many marriages fail? I mean, I know there's porn and stuff..."

"Where's Keira Knightley?" "Probably throwing up in a toilet somewhere."

"Improve your marriage in less than 24 hours!"

"I know what you're thinking...and this is not a booty call."

Advice to a Girl

No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed;
Lay that on your heart,
My young angry dear;
This truth, this hard precious stone,
Lay it on your hot cheek,
Let it hide your tear.
Hold it like a crystal
When you are alone
And gaze in the depths of the icy stone.
Long, look long and you will be blessed:
No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed.

~Sara Teasdale

The Big Time

My story made it onto the network this morning! Woo hoo! You can listen to it here.

Risk

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom.

~Anais Nin

Exclamation Points

I paid off my car this week!

I'm working on a pretty big national story which will air on the network tomorrow!

I get to have Starbucks tonight!

The Astros won last night!

You Who Never Arrived

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of
the next moment. All the immense
images in me -- the far-off, deeply-felt
landscape, cities, towers, and bridges, and
unsuspected turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods--
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house--, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,--
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence, and
started, gave back my too-sudden image.
Who knows? Perhaps the same
bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening...

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Coffee Lovin'

Apparently blog desperation works. Within 24 hours of posting my intention of going on Starbucks hiatus I have had three offers from people who want to purchase the liquid gold for me. I have now have a coffee "date" set up for this week and a second one scheduled for next week. I am trying to space them out so I don't get my Starbucks fix all at once. I am currently accepting applications from people who want to take me to Starbucks between August 17th and August 31st. I also have an opening tonight. I'm just sayin'...

Tremens

After receiving lots of flack from a certain friend about my Starbucks expenditures (note the June tally in the left column), I have sworn off Starbucks for the month of August. I determined I will not make any purchases at said coffee shop for an entire month. I will be $42.04 richer by September 1st. The only way I will get any Starbucks in me, is if you buy it for me. I am now accepting donations in the form of gift cards, cash, checks and blood platelets. This would also be an excellent opportunity for some of you guys to ask me out. All you have to say is "Laurie, I'm really interested in spending some time with you. Are you available to go to Starbucks this Friday?" I guarantee I will say yes...as long as you're buying...and as long as it's August.

The Sweetest Kind of Night

I admit, I love to lie by someone as they fall asleep,
to hear their cautious breath turn to an unrestrained rhythm,
like a perfect prayer, to hear their chest exhale and swell
like a silent promise of life, to listen so intently to their heartbeat,
pulsing, like an ancient lullaby, and then slowly,
to realize your heart is beating as well, cautiously at first,
but later breaking, into a coaxing surge,
much like the hushed flapping of a giant bird's wings,
yet as calm as the sun in August.

~Erin Agee

Friday Funnies

"How cute! You're taller sitting down than you are standing up!" ~ A comment from someone who noticed I am shorter when standing than when sitting on an elevated barstool.

"If you live with your parents, you won't be using those 'curtains' very often." ~ Curtains = lingerie

"New Potatoes!" ~ You had to be there.

"Quick! Tell her she's pretty!" ~ One guy telling another guy what to do after second guy offended me.

"Give him a womb for his children." ~ No explanation forthcoming.

Reason # 58 Why I Love My Job

I had to cover a cadet firefighter training procedure today. My job was to follow the team as they ran through a rescue drill. These are the sacrifices I make for you, the public. Someone has to disseminate the news and that someone is I. You can thank me the next time you see me.

We Wear the Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes --
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

~Paul Laurence Dunbar

Aedh Wishes for the Clothes of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread upon my dreams.

~W.B. Yeats

Get Excited

Cakewalk 2006 is practically around the corner! Check here for frequent updates, baking tips and maybe even some of Laurie's top secret recipes!

Apologies

I didn't blog yesterday. You have probably figured that out. I'm sorry. I have nothing to say for myself. I won't even offer any excuses. I will simply face what I have done, express remorse and attempt to move on and regain your trust. I can only hope this hasn't damaged our relationship.

While you are working on forgiving me for my fall, I will share some random things about myself that you may not know about me.

• I don't like American cheese.
• I was scared of Mr. Snuffleupagus.
• My hair used to be so long that I could sit on it.
• When I was 12, my baking won the blue ribbon at the county fair.
• I never went to school until I started college.
• I don't have a favorite flower.
• I have been on one blind date.
• I know how to make quilts.
• I don't like the beach very much.
• I love forests.
• I had two pet ducks named Howard and Fluffy.
• I hate dusting.
• I like Pepsi better than Coke.
• I don't like Dr. Pepper.
• I can't roller skate.
• My favorite book is Bleak House.
• I hate the sound of squeaking windshield wipers.
• I hate being late.
• I love the smell of rain.
• I have never gotten a speeding ticket.