Friday Funnies

I don't have much for this version of the Friday Funnies. To be honest, it wasn't a very funny week. The few things I do have all came from the same person. So here are the...

Things that made me laugh this week:

"The inside of your purse is cavernous."

"I should be bottling my own 'essence' and selling it. I'd make a killing!"

"If you really want me to get a mini, you could give up 2.5 Starbucks drinks a month and subsidize the extra cost."

"Kirkie-pooh and Kirkalicious are perhaps appropriate for certain business dealings, but not the kind that I am pursuing here."

Circle of Friends: Part Four

Before I start waxing eloquent about my friends, please note the Starbucks tally is updated. Today is the first day of my vacation, so this morning I walked over to Starbucks and enjoyed the "usual" and a piece of banana bread. It was $6.17 worth of relaxation and peaceful time with God. What a lovely start to my holiday.

Okay, enough about me, let's talk about Troy.

When I think of Troy, I think of two scriptures: "...aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands...so that you may live properly before outsiders..." and "do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others" (1 Thes 4:11-12 and Phil 2:3-4). Troy exemplifies these verses. He truly strives to live quietly, drawing little attention to his own merits and service, but living in such a way that outsiders notice the difference in his life. I have actually heard one of his co-workers say they could never imagine Troy saying or doing anything unkind. Troy has a true servant's heart. If I were to list off all the ways he has served me and given selflessly of himself, this would end up being my longest blog entry ever. Just yesterday, he humbled himself and served me when I was acting like a total brat.

Which is another reason why I appreciate him. Troy is my friend who still likes me when I am being totally and completely myself. Which means I am probably being childish and selfish and more than a little annoying. Troy definitely sees more of the ugly side of me than I show to most people. He's seen the ugliness and hasn't run away or abandoned our friendship. Instead, he quietly sees me through those times and patiently encourages and instructs me to grow in God's grace. He's not afraid to call me out, but usually he doesn't even have to because I am convicted simply by watching how he lives.

Troy is also stinkin' hilarious. He never ceases to surprise me. Every time I think I have him figured out, he throws me a curve ball. He is a man of contradictions. He is one of the most methodical, analytical people I know. But he still manages to be completely random and unpredictable. I love being around him because I never know what will happen next. We could be having a deep, theological discussion and next thing I know, we're talking about how a verse in Isaiah reminds him of Jack Black! Who thinks of these things?! Better than just about anyone else, Troy knows how to push my buttons. And he takes advantage of that frequently. He takes an evil delight in getting me riled up. I pretend to be mad about that, but anyone who knows me knows that I secretly like it. Which is probably why we get along so well. Like peas and carrots.

Troy, you are always teaching me what it means to be a true friend. Your friendship is invaluable to me.

Circle of Friends: Part Three

I almost didn't make it with my blog entry today. Too many things happening all in one day. But I managed to pull it off after all and I am here to tell you about my wonderful friend Laurie Lau.

Laurie Lau is my long-lost twin sister. She is Chinese and I am cajun and we share the same name, so we were clearly separated at birth (it makes sense in our minds). Laurie is the one person that I am most likely to spend time both laughing and crying with (sometimes simultaneously). We get together and act completely silly and random but it never fails that our conversations go deep and we get down to the raw things in our hearts.

Laurie is the most spiritually fervent person I know. Her passion to know Christ and share Him with others permeates her entire being. She is amazing. I often say I think she is the single most incredible person in Summit. All of her goals are centered around being used by and for Christ.

Laurie's heart for missions is what gave me a passion for other countries. When we first started hanging out, I was content to stay right here and let others go to the tough places. But her testimony, exhortation and prayers helped birth in me a desire to serve the nations. Laurie's passion for world missions is so strong that she actually feels oppressed in her spirit if she stays in the U.S. for too long. She's already been to Cuba this year and has plans to go to China and Sudan before the year is over. That's just the kind of person she is.

In addition to being the most zealous Christian I know, Laurie is also my soul sistah. She is a completely American, Chinese girl who thinks she is a black woman. And I can relate to that. I'm Hot, she's Mama, together we're one Hot Mama. Because we're long-lost twin sisters and we look so much alike, people are always getting us mixed up. Those are the kinds of jokes we make and laugh for hours about.

Laurie, your example is a constant source of inspiration to me. I want to be more like you because I know that being like you means being more like Christ. Thank you for loving me.

Circle of Friends: Part Two

Today's friend of note is Todd. I have had the privilege to be Todd's friend for about three years now. I am about to embarrass him publicly on my blog. Tee-hee-hee.

When I first met Todd, I had the biggest crush on him! He was just so cute with his spiky hair and glasses and dimples and his laugh that fills up the space around him. It was a dark day when I discovered that someone told him about my crush! A lesser man would have gotten all awkward and weird and dropped the friendship. But Todd is a man of integrity who values honesty and openness above comfort and ease. He made it a point to make sure my heart was well-protected, while simultaneously maintaining a lasting friendship. My crush turned into deep respect for him as a man and a friend. His desire to be transparent and honest with people is one of my favorite things about him.

Todd longs to know God more deeply and intimately. He is so honest about his walk with the Lord and the ways in which he desires to grow. He's also honest about his failures and struggles. He encourages me through his trials and joys because he's real about what God is doing in his life. Todd is one of those people who makes me want to be more transparent. I so frequently put up walls and keep certain parts of my life off-limits from others. Without even knowing it, Todd challenges me to change those parts of me and allow my brothers and sisters to see inside to the "real" Laurie.

For some crazy reason, Todd thinks I am cool. It's always good to have a person in your life who knows how stupid and silly you can be and still thinks you're one of the cool people. I am not cool. He persists in thinking I am. This has the effect of making me actually feel cool. Which is nice. (Insert inside joke here).

Plus, Todd is just plain fun. I smile just being around him. Right now, as I'm typing, I'm smiling just thinking of him. We share the same wicked sense of humor. This can be good...and it can be bad. ;) Many a sketchy joke has passed between us. Good times. I heart Todd.

Toddy, you're the best. And I'm not just saying that!

Circle of Friends: Part One

I had grand plans this week to post a series of favorite romantic songs. But I'm not in the mood. Pun intended. Instead, I will blog about four important friendships and how these people bless and encourage me. Today, I give you Shanna.

Shanna is one of my favorite people to be around. Have you ever heard her laugh? It's this great combination of joy and badness. :) She's predictably unpredictable. She's always surprising me with something she says or does. Yet, it's not a surprise because that's just Shanna. I love hearing her pray. Only Shanna can get away with saying "Dear God, You ROCK!"

She makes fun of me when I get puffed up. She encourages me when I am down. She loves the good AND the bad things about me. Shanna is the kind of person that always makes me feel loved and special. When I spend time with her, I leave feeling encouraged and cared for. She always makes it a point to ask me how I am doing...and she really wants to know the answer.

She remembers everything. She remembers when I had a bad day two weeks ago and follows up on how things are going. She remembers prayer requests that I share with her and she prays for me and asks me for updates. She notices things that I don't even tell her about. She can look at my face and instantly know whether I am happy, sad, frustrated or tired. She sends me random text messages and notes, telling me she's thinking about me and she loves me. She always wants the best for me and believes the best about me.

Shanna, you are a wonderful friend and a blessing to me. I love you.

Update: Two Topics

One: The starbucks tally is updated. Yesterday afternoon, I purchased a grande, peppermint mocha frappuccino at a cost of $4.64.

Two: I am informed by one of the previously mentioned intelligent, well-educated men that he knew all of the information, but was so delighted by my reaction to the others' ignorance that he decided to play along. I am also informed that he was in no way disappointed by the ensuing conversation.

Flabbergasted

Yesterday I had a conversation with four intelligent, well-educated men. In the course of that conversation, it became clear that not one of them knew the most basic elements of how the female reproductive cycle works. Seriously???!!! One of the men was even under the impression that a woman "generates" a new egg every month. Like "poof! there's an egg." I found myself explaining the scientific process of the menstrual cycle to four grown men who all happen to be good friends of mine. I never, ever, ever thought I would ever, ever, ever be called upon to do something like that.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Mark this day. At 8:53pm on Monday, June 19th, I reminded you of something you have to do this week!"

"I'm looking for my IBM -- Ideal Black Man"

"Don't you think it's weird for a grown man to have a pet frog?"

"I'm calling to tell you about a kinky bumper sticker I just saw"

"I may be all man on the outside, but on the inside beats the gentle heart of a woman...with a beard"

"Why don't we just go get naked?!"

*********
Starbucks tally is updated: the "usual" PLUS a piece of coffee cake -- $6.17.

Great Memories

Last Saturday, I spent a long, rainy morning with two sweet friends. We drank coffee, laughed, prayed, told secrets and shared special memories that are precious to us. I was reminded of one of my fondest childhood memories and want to share it with all of you.

I am the oldest grandchild in my family and also the only girl. This means I am a princess. :)
My family adores me and I have a suspicion that I was quite spoiled when I was little. Explains a lot, doesn't it? Everyone in my family paid attention to me, but it was my relationship with my pawpaw that is really special to me.

My pawpaw is not a very affectionate man. He doesn't know how to communicate well and he has a very hard time expressing love to people. He isn't very good at interpersonal relationships and he doesn't know how to hug or pat or be physically affectionate. But growing up, I always knew how much he loved me because of the special trips he would take me on.

My pawpaw and I have been to England, France, Switzerland, Germany, Australia and many other places together. We never left his backyard, but we traveled all over the world. He had this big porch swing in his back yard, set underneath his willow tree. We would sit on that swing and he would push it back as far as he could and then he would tell me to buckle in and get ready because our flight was about to take off. He would lift his feet and the "plane" would soar into the air and our journey would begin. As we were flying through the willow leaves, he would describe the scene down below. He would tell me all about the countries we were flying over. We visited many exotic places and had hundreds of adventures.

Sometimes we would take domestic trips by "rail" instead. He would shout "All Aboard" and I would jump on the train and we'd take a trip through the countryside. We saw everything and we never got tired of traveling. We always took a box of Nilla wafers along for sustenance.

Looking back on that, I laugh because I realize that my pawpaw really just wanted to spend time in his beautiful garden, half snoozing on his swing. But he turned those lazy, summer evenings into magical moments for his little garden fairy. He gave me his time, his imagination and his love.

Some day soon, the Heavenly Father is going to shout down and say "All Aboard" and my pawpaw will jump on that train and take the trip of a lifetime. I'll be left standing under the willow tree, looking at an empty swing. But before that happens, I think we have a last-minute flight to Italy scheduled. He'll bring the Nilla wafers.

The Nightmare Spreads

Last night my phone rang at about 9:30. It was my friend Beth, who told me she was about to cry and she was calling me because I was the first person she thought of that could relate to her distress. I have asked her to guest-blog her experiences for the rest of you. Here is an account of what she told me last night.

~L
*********
I am not an unclean person. I regularly clean my sink. And I have roaches invading my apartment. Every time it rains, they find their way in. I should probably just install a tiny swinging door for them.

Last night, I had the worst roach attack ever. I was entering my bathroom when I was abruptly stopped by the scene which was before me. My precious purple Oral-B toothbrush was being grotesquely fondled by a three-inch roach (not including length of the swirling antennae). At that point, I kind of blanked out. For the next hour or so, I was in a fog (and not just because of Raid). When I got back my strength, I picked up my Dr. Scholl's wooden sandal and smacked that baby down yelling, "You deserve to die!"

Somehow I made it to CVS and purchased a new toothbrush and a protective tube to cover it up. It didn't say "roach protector" on the label of the tube, but I think it will do the job. And right now, while I'm at work, my apartment is getting fogged by Raid. I might have to sleep with a gas mask on, but it's worth it.

Newsroom Humor

Perry signs "Rain Cut" bill
by David Benzion 06/20/2006 12:07 am


Acting quickly in response to widespread flooding across the Greater Houston area, Texas Gov. Rick Perry has signed emergency legislation to reduce rain by about one-third over the next three days, and provide a number of other weather-related changes, including a one-time, 2,000-percent, Super-Dee-Duper increase in dryness.

"This is a rain cut Texans can take to the bank," Perry said during a signing ceremony early Tuesday morning at TransStar central command.
"Letme be completely clear: for the next three days, one out of every three raindrops that would have fallen on Houston won't, and the ones that do will dry 2,000-percent faster. That's something Super-Dee-Duper, and I'm pretty darn proud of it. How 'bout you?"

The reductions in local rainfall will primarily be recouped through a new state business flood, which will target all corporations and limited liability partnerships, many of which had previously succeeded in remaining dry.

Even before the rain cut bill was signed, however, debate was sparked over how significant the precipitation reductions will be.

Perry, in television and radio commercials that began airing this morning, is claiming that the "average" Houstonian will avoid 2 million rain drops over the next three days.

But Comptroller Carole Keeton Strayhorn and other critics say that degree of dryness is much more than most Houstonians will realize. Strayhorn, who is seeking to unseat Perry as an independent challenger, has said precipitation reductions will average a modest trickle, perhaps a puddle or two during that period.

Surveying the damage to Houston via a barroom television in downtown Austin, independent candidate Kinky Friedman assured fellow drinkers that while he could do nothing to actually stop the rain, as Governor he would be willing to stand atop the Astrodome and implore the God of Israel to part the waters flooding the 610-Loop, just like Charlton Heston in "The 10 Commandments."

Meanwhile, Republican nominee and presumptive State District 7 Senator Dan Patrick took to the airwaves late Monday and called for the immediate construction of a regional "horizontal wall" manned by 10,000 umbrella-wielding National Guard troops, to protect the city from, as he put it, "the unrelenting invasion of undocumented water that is crossing the borders of our roadways."

Shorthand

Yesterday it was pointed out to me that most people (except James) don't know what things like "wx" mean. I use several abbreviations and acronyms as part of my radio "lingo" and sometimes they find their way into my regular conversation. So I thought I'd write up a list of the most common shorthand words in my business and see if they make sense to anyone. I'll put them in context.

Record severe wx update.

TX XGR approves funding.

Gather 15 min SOT.

TRT is 1:15.

MOS interviews needed.

Please use NATS in report.

SCOTUS decision is in.

Definitely a Starbucks kind of day

the "usual" $4.06.

Hurry up...and hurry up

I'm no longer bored. Now I am stressed. My back and shoulders are hurting because that's where I carry my tension. My noon presser with the judge and mayor triggered a whole pile of memories from covering Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. I think I've blogged about this before. Journalists are a little bit like doctors. We look at the job that needs to be done and push down the emotions that go along with it. I don't have time to freak out over the shuttle falling out of the sky. I have to cover the debris field and attend press updates and get the facts out to the public. But six or eight months later, something will happen to trigger those emotions and I have to deal with them. It seems today's flooding and emergency responses are the trigger for the stuff I didn't deal with during Katrina and Rita. Just seeing the mayor and judge standing there, briefing the community on the emergency, was enough to bring it all back.

Hurry up...and wait

Sometimes my job is exciting and sometimes it's boring and sometimes it's a grand combination of the two. My regular assignment was cancelled and I am on flood duty. I've been making calls to emergency officials all morning. It was a hectic start to the day. Now the boring part comes in. I am waiting for people to call me back. There is really nothing I can do during the waiting time. When the calls start to come in, things will get hectic again. But for now...good thing there are blogs to read.

Friday Funnies: The Shady Version

Things that made me laugh this week:

"You two are like peas and carrots. You're the pea to his carrot."

"Anyway, you live with Laurie. You should be used to shady humor, I don't even have the guts to repeat the shady things she has emailed to me before."

"Would you really want your speedo mounted anywhere else?"

"Roaches in the bed gives a whole new meaning to 'Baits Motel.'"

"Surely a sweet, innocent and unmistakeably beautiful girl like Laurie Johnson wouldn't know what 'porn' is."

*Please know that all these comments, when taken in context, are not nearly as shady as they appear.

Also, the Starbucks tally is updated. I met Shanna for coffee last night and ordered a grande, no whip hot chocolate. I paid $2.65 for it. Unfortunately, I received a tall, no whip hot chocolate. Shanna and I decided that God, in His sovereignty, ordained for me to save the calories but not the money.

Blogging the Bible

I've been meaning to post a link to this for quite some time. A writer for Slate has been blogging his thoughts on a verse-by-verse reading of the Bible. It's really fascinating. He is Jewish and has a completely different perspective on scripture. It has been interesting to see insight into how an unbeliever perceives God and the Word. He writes in a very funny and honest style. Check it out and gain some insight into how the world thinks about God and His plan for His people.

The Technology Age

Last night, I spent an hour and 17 minutes talking on the phone with a friend. This would not be unusual, except for the fact that more than half of the conversation took place as we each surfed the web and discussed the various web pages we were browsing. At one point, we were even reading the same blog at the same time. Furthermore, it was not enough to simply talk on the phone. Said friend also sent me an email and informed me of each step in the email process. Then I was told to check my email and provide feedback...again while talking on the phone.

I can't decide if this is oddly strange or oddly normal.

Totally Awesome

A few minutes ago, I was composing an email to a friend. I intended to say "I won't be participating in the activity because I am trying to dedicate this week to God...." But instead of typing "week" I typed "weed." So the sentence read: "I am trying to dedicate this weed to God."

Gives a whole new meaning to presenting the pleasing aroma of sacrifice to the Lord.

Troy Starbucks

Those are the key words someone googled this morning that led them to my blog.

Tally is updated. Grande, non-fat, no whip peppermint mocha (the usual). $4.06.

Contemplation

Last week I heard three different sermons all centering around the same thing: Obedience to Christ through wholehearted devotion to Him. Two of the sermons were built around the same verse: Luke 9:23 "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." A few days ago I mindlessly popped a CD into the car stereo. It's an album Brian gave me last year called Passion: Hymns Ancient and Modern. I love many of the songs on this album and recommend it to anyone. But I keep stopping on one song. I've been listening to it over and over this week, meditating on how it fits in with the sermons I've been hearing and the ways God wants to grow me. I pray you read the words and find conviction and encouragement in your journey as a disciple of Christ.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to thee;
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect and use
Every power as Thou shall choose.

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be,
Ever, only, all for Thee.

I'm moving

Dinah emailed me this morning. She found a cockroach in her bed last night. Clarification: She woke up and found a cockroach in bed with her last night.

This is no longer a nightmare. It's hell on earth.

Banana Mocha Frappucino

I don't recommend it. $4.01.
When I left Starbucks, I noticed an SUV parked directly behind my car. It was just sitting there in the middle of the parking lot. I was completely blocked in and couldn't leave. I waited around for a while to see if the owner of the vehicle would show up. Finally, I went back into Starbucks and went up to the flashy businessman who was placing his order. "Excuse me, sir. Is that your SUV parked out there?" He gave me a scathing look. "I don't drive SUVs," he said.

Well excuse me and my plebian mindset for daring to think you might drive an SUV.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I have stanima. Stanima. I can't say the word, but I have it."

"Thanks for thinking I'm so FRIGGIN' HUGE!"

"It's hard out here for a pimp."

"Does exchanging digits provide upward mobility on the 'Laurie Johnson's Guy List'?"

"My mother is pushy and stubborn. You would like her."

"When you said you wanted a chocolate milkshake, I recognized God's sovereign design in the situation."

Lattes, Teas and Brownies! Oh My!

In the interest of full disclosure and of sending myself on one heck of a guilt-trip, I have decided to blog my Starbucks purchases for the month of June. I plan to post a description of items and their cost. I'll keep a running tally of my Starby's expenditures. My hope is that I will be faced with either a) the extravagance of my wasteful spending or b) the realization my coffee habit is not a dreadful as some might think. I am aware that I may be tempted to alter my Starby's habit in an attempt to hide the truth. I will make every effort to be honest about my addiction. We all fall sometimes.

Today is the eighth day of June in the Year of Our Lord, 2006. I have been to Starbucks twice in the past eight days. Purchase #1 included a grande non-fat, no whip, peppermint mocha for myself and a grande chai tea latte for my friend. Total cost: $7.63. Purchase #2 was a grande hot chocolate. Total cost: $2.65. Total Starbucks expenditures for the month of June: $10.28. Will keep you posted.

I heart Google

I am about to call some people out. Fortunately, they are people who don't know me and I don't know them. So it's all good.

I have this web-based service which allows me to track how many people visit my website each day. I can see things like IP addresses, frequency of visits from a particular address and the time of day they hit the site. The gold mine is that I can see if someone did an internet search to reach my site and what key words they entered that led them to QQ. Hehehehe. This leads to much fun. Over the past few months here are some of the word searches that led people to my site.

"Sexxxx" ~ At least three different people from Saudi Arabia, Dubai and Canada reached my site through searching this word. I am thinking they probably did not find exactly what they were looking for.

"How to flirt" ~ Here's something they are much more likely to learn by reading QQ. I am pretty good at flirting. One of the best, actually. I can teach anyone the art of flirting. Are you a young, single, attractive male? I can definitely teach you. Call me.

"Single christian girls" ~ So many thoughts...

"Laurie and Brian" ~ Hello, hello. :}

"Fixodent kiss commercial" ~ Clearly someone else was disturbed by this ad campaign as well. Old people making out in the back of a cab...reminds me of something...

"How to become a great kisser" ~ Okay, I don't know whether it's cute or sad that someone googled this. To the kiss-student, whoever you are, you go guy!

"What peppermint says about your personality" ~ Ummm, I think googling this says something about your personality.

"Spit in her mouth" ~ Yikes. I don't know whether this was an angry query or a shady one. Either way...yikes.

"Beat her up" ~ I hope this wasn't the same person that did the previous search.

"How do roaches procreate" ~ Troy, please tell me you are the one who googled this. Otherwise, it means someone else out there really wanted to know the answer to this question.

That Laurie is such a flirt

Last night I was at Starbucks, waiting at the counter for my drink order, when my cell phone rang. When I saw who was calling, I answered the phone with a special greeting. "Hello, Handsome," I said. The guy on the phone responded...but so did the Starbucks guy behind the counter! He said "Why, hello there." Then he started laughing at me and said he couldn't resist messing with me a little. I told him that he was very nice looking also and then I told my phone-friend that I was busy picking up guys at Starbucks. It was all quite funny.

My Protege

My influence astounds me. I have a blog protege. Check her out. You will love her. Please read her first entry before you read subsequent entries. You simply must understand the genesis of her blog.

Old Age...?

Something hilarious happened to me last week. It was so funny and I immediately thought "I am going to blog about this on Monday." All weekend I was looking forward to blogging about it. I thought about it several times on Saturday and was even thinking about how I would phrase the story.

Yeah, so...ummm...I forgot what it was.

Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"In-ter-est-ing"

"Sinead O'Connor as Pharaoh"

"The Bacon Blog"

"Good Morning, Miss Johnson"

"I think on your next mass-date, there should be a little less 'mass'"

"Make sure the hand you're holding in the popcorn is the right hand"

"Thanks for being my chicken-buddy!"

Tremens

I drank an entire pot of coffee this morning. I am just now coming down from the high. I am having difficulty forming complete thoughts. Blogging seems out of the question.