Friday, September 29, 2006

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I'm not speaking to you today because I'm not on the Friday Funnies."

"Smells like ambush."

"Justin Isaac Fountain isn't a good assassin name."
"But Jiffy is!"

"Do you smell something stinky? Because I think you might be spoiled."

"I don't know if that's funny enough for the Friday Funnies. I've had two glasses of wine...I'm not a good judge."

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Some things money can't buy...

Detergent: $2.49

Razor and shaving cream: $1.96

The feeling of soft, clean sheets on just-shaved legs: Priceless

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Mixed Emotions

Every week the mayor's information officers send out his public schedule to the media. This week we were excited because he will be attending an event at our station. Check out the media notification:

6:30 p.m. ~ Mayor White will attend the KUFH high-definition station "switch flipping" ceremony. Location: Melcher Center for Public Broadcasting, University of Houston.

That's great and all...except those aren't our call letters.

True Love & True Pain

You know you love someone when you agree to meet them for breakfast at 6:30am simply because they tell you "it will be fun."

You know you should exercise more when you go running on Monday and your body screams expletives at you on Tuesday.

Monday, September 25, 2006

I'm goin' out to eat worms

That's right. Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me.

For the first time since I can remember, my Evite inbox is empty.

Population of the World

Nominal Christians: 1.2 billion
Muslims: 1.2 billion
Secular Religions: 938 million
Hindus: 820 Million
Active Christians: 680 million
Buddhists: 400 million
Chinese Folk Religions: 383 million
Tribal Religions: 176 million
Other: 95 million

Out of all those groups, an estimated 2 billion people are completely unreached with the gospel of Christ. One of these unreached groups is the Baluch. The Baluch people are Sunni Muslims who live in regions dominated by Shiite Muslims. There are 4.5 million Baluch living primarily in Pakistan and some scattered in Iran, Turkmenistan, the Gulf States and Sweden. There are only ten known Baluch Christians in the world.

Do I know you?

Last Friday I experienced a career first. I was out on an assignment at a press conference. I was innocently minding my own business, when a TV camerman standing behind me gave me a love pat on my rear! I whirled around to look at him and he gave me a sly smile and commented about the event. I was so flabbergasted, I didn't even know how to react. One of my guy friends told me I should have asked for his number. Riiiight.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I can't pimp out Jonathan."

"Hey, you two over there in the love bubble..."
loooong pause before the love bubble responds
"Huh? What?"

"Shanna, how do you feel about all these teachers getting their groove on with young boys?"

"It's all false advertising."

Me to police officer: "It's really warm in here. Is the A/C broken?"
Police officer to me: "It's like this all the working in hell."

"We'll live here for the first year, then we'll get you pregnant and move to the suburbs."

"I was just in a happy non-Bandaid world before you dropped that bombshell."

A friend speaking on the assumed advantages of being married over being single: "I'd rather have even a few months of earth-shattering, mind-blowing, furniture-destroying melees in the my husband...and then be taken for granted for 40 years."

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Further Explanation Required

I am not in the business of blogging a survey of the Old Testament. There's no way we can possibly hash out all the implications of God's plan for the Israelites on my blog. I also need to restate that my posts on world missions are about just that -- world missions. I am merely looking at one aspect of God's work and how He used His people to make His glory known to the nations. So let me clarify and address yesterday's post and Troy's comments regarding the topic.

The Abrahamic covenant states: "Now the LORD said to Abram, "Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed." Gen 12:1-3 (my emphasis added)

The blessing referred to in this passage connotes more than the receiving of good things. This blessing refers to the conferral of a family name, responsibility, obligation and privilege. So we see that God intends the Abrahamic Covenant to result in His blessing being poured out on all peoples. We know this is ultimately fulfilled through Christ. So does this mean that the covenant lies dormant for 2000 years until the arrival of Christ? Or does it mean that Abraham and the Israelite nation are to confer the blessing to the nations around them?

Two more times, God repeats the promised blessing to Abraham (Gen 18:18, 22:18). He also repeats it to Isaac (26:4) and to Jacob (28:14-15). The blessing falls on the Israelites, but it's not intended to stop there. There are five epochs before the appearance of Christ: Patriarchs, Captivity, Judges, Kings, Second Captivity/Diaspora. Surely God meant for the blessing to be shared throughout these periods.

The Israelites were sinful, so God established the Law. The Law was a specific revelation for the Israelite nation. It was intended to set Israel apart. "They were to live out the righteousness of the one true God, whose glory they were to declare in the whole earth (Isaiah 19, Numbers 14, Deuteronomy 28:10)." ~ Paul Borthwick, A Mind for Missions

The nation turns from God and the Law, so He sends the prophets.

"By the time we come to the prophets it is clear that the calling of Israel as a nation is for the sake of the whole world...Israel then is to be preserved so that she can mediate God's promises for His creation as a whole. They are to exhibit a people, institutions, and a land which will reflect God's glory so that this can one day be communicated to the whole earth and to all peoples." ~ William Dyrness, Let the Earth Rejoice

Isaiah, Habakkuk and Micah all reminded Israel of God's plan to include the whole earth in the blessing. The Psalmists also frequently refer to the mandate to glorify God through all the earth. The Old Testament proves over and over that God is a missionary God. Elisha demonstrated God's redemption to Gentiles (2 Kings 4:8, 2 Kings 5), Esther served as God's messenger to her Gentile captors, Joseph was God's agent of redemption in Egypt, Daniel and Jonah witnessed to pagan nations.

The Exile and the Great Commission are not the same thing. In my previous post, I wasn't trying to imply that God commissioned the Israelites out to other nations. But He did expect them to demonstrate His righteousness for the purpose of making His glory known. "He prepared His people Israel, as children of Abraham, to be a blessing to all nations. In the Old Testament, God's people made choices that kept them from fulfilling His perfect plan, but they could not stop His purposes from being plainly stated. God was in the business of redemption, and He would accomplish His purposes through His Messiah." ~ Borthwick

Whew. Time to take a break. Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday and you know what that means...

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

World Missions...and Things cont'd.

God has a heart for missions. His final word of command was to send His followers to every people group on the earth to share the good news of Christ. However, His followers don't seem to be nearly as excited about missions as God is. It seems that missionaries throughout the ages have been reluctant to leave the comfort of home and safety for the unknown perils of the mission field. In God's Story in History, we are told how the gospel spread through the world despite the believing community.

"Where possible God accomplished His will through the voluntary obedience and godliness of His people, but where necessary, He did His will through involuntary means." ~ Ralph Winter

In Genesis 12, God unfolds the vision for His plan for the world. From Genesis 12 to the end of the Bible, one long drama unfolds: God's plan to redeem His fallen creation through the giving of His Son. God intended the Israelites, starting with Abraham, to be a missionary people. The "blessing" He promised to Abraham was conditioned upon Abraham sharing his blessing with the nations. But the Israelites failed over and over. They refused to go willingly. So God sent them unwillingly. Time and time again, God used the Israelites' disobedience to display His power and might to the surrounding nations, whether His children were cooperative or not. This often meant sending them into captivity. Their captors saw the power of God, even when the Israelites did not.

Then Jesus appears on the scene. He was sent to His "own" but the second He reveals God's plan to share the blessing with the Gentiles, His "own" erupt in fury. The Israelites just aren't okay with serving a missional God. They failed in their job of blessing the nations, so God moves on to the next group: the Gentiles.

Unfortunately, the Gentiles don't do much better. More on that tomorrow.

On a lighter note...I am tempted to watch the season premiere of America's Next Top Model tonight. This is probably the only TV show that I have a desire to watch.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

World Missions...and Things cont'd.

In Understanding God's Story, we are reminded that it is His story and not ours. One of the reasons people reject the gospel is because of the method in which it is presented to them.

"Some people reject the gospel not because they perceive it to be false, but because they perceive it to be alien." ~Stott

The basis of missions is to reveal the glory of God to the nations. When Christ delivered the Great Commission, He sent us to share the gospel with every nation. In the Greek, this is "pente ethne" which means every people group. There are an estimated 16,011 people groups in the world. Of those, 6,650 people groups have never been reached with the gospel. That represents about 2.59 billion people who don't even have the ability to hear about Christ. That seems daunting and insurmountable. But...

"God is not in a rush; He has not lost control of the world; His ultimate purposes are not being thwarted; He is still all-powerful, all-glorious, and still seeks to bring humanity back to Himself so that we might experience His glory." ~Paul Borthwick

On a lighter Dovie pointed out, today is National Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Three Men and a Little Lady

Last night I cooked dinner for three men. I showed up at the house bearing a pot roast and bags of groceries. They hovered around like kids in a candy store. Then they wandered into the living room and discussed football while I started cooking.

A few minutes later, one of them came into the kitchen to be sociable for a bit. He asked me if I needed any help. I asked him if that was a serious offer or a courtesy offer. His reply seemed to indicate it was a courtesy offer, so I didn't press him into service.

A short time later, he asked if they had permission to turn on the TV while I worked on the meal. I acquiesced. They became absorbed in an episode of 24. I mashed the potatoes, sauteed the onions, steamed the green beans, thickened the gravy and baked the brownies.

I thought to myself "so this is what marriage is like."

Monday, September 18, 2006

World Missions...and Things

I am taking a Perspectives class at church. The class is designed to give people an understanding of God's work in the nations and His movement in missions. I was already familiar with many of the facts and statistics, but it is still mind-blowing to hear these truths over and over. I plan to share some of the quotes and illustrations that have most resonated with me.

The first lesson of the course starts with Understanding God's Story. Just two paragraphs into the reading, this sentence struck me.

"The degree of the church's commitment to world evangelization is commensurate with the degree of its conviction about the authority of the Bible." ~ John Stott.

If you can't say amen you'd better say ouch.

And further down, Stott says: "Individual Christians and local churches not committed to world evangelization are contradicting (either through blindness or through disobedience) an essential part of their God-given identity. The biblical mandate for world evangelization cannot be escaped."

Chew on that for a bit.

On a lighter note, I had another crazy dream. I was pushing a shopping cart through an assisted living center. I got lost in the maze of hallways and came across an old man who seemed a bit like a pirate. Then I turned a corner and found two cockroaches crawling toward me.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I thought Troy said 'you're in charge of Laurie.'"

"I have a teeny, dumb husband brain."

"I'm nobody's bubba."

"Laurie, which is more disgusting: boogers or poop?"

"I'm going to tell you a dirty joke."

"Gives a whole new meaning to 'potty mouth.'"

"You're a great cook, you serve people and you insult me. You're irreplaceable!"

Thursday, September 14, 2006

O Twisted Fate

I spoke too soon. Just last night, I told Moms that the roach problem was getting better. Just this morning, I woke up and opened my eyes to see a HUGE cockroach on the wall above my bed. I thought to myself "maybe I'm dreaming again." Unfortunately, this was all too real. But in all things, God provides. Kristen was still at home and came to my rescue. She climbed up on my bed and killed the thing.

The part that scares me is the connection between my dreams and reality. Are my dreams manifesting themselves into life? If I see any homeless men today, I am running away as fast as I can.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


I think all the medicine I've been taking is causing me to have weird dreams.

A couple nights ago, I dreamt a homeless man shot me in the leg. Anyone care to analyze that one?

Last night, I dreamt a cockroach was chasing me. It was one of those dreams where your body moves in slow motion and you can't get away. I kept trying to dodge him and he kept running straight at me. I was crying and feeling panicked. I realized the only thing I could do was kill him. I had a tissue in my hand (I do have a cold, after all) and I reached down and squashed him with it. He popped. I screamed and fainted. Then I woke up feeling clammy and scared.

I am afraid of going to sleep tonight.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


I feel blah. I'm getting sick. I have a sore throat, a slight cough and a little bit of congestion. These things combine together to make me feel like whining and being generally cranky. But instead of indulging in my misery, I give you a list of "nevers."

  • I have never smoked.
  • I have never been to a professional football game.
  • I have never been to New York.
  • I have never liked lima beans.
  • I have never been kissed.
  • I have never gone sailing.
  • I have never seen The Goonies.
  • I have never wanted to go to Las Vegas.
  • I have never been to Disneyworld.
  • I have never watched a horror movie.
  • I have never been skiiing.
  • I have never broken a bone.
  • I have never learned to roller skate.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Internet Romance

It all started here. It began innocently enough. One comment led to another which led to another and so on. Next thing I know, I'm involved in a blog-relationship. Our love is set to music.

I haven't even had a chance to tell my mother. She'll be so happy.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Can you tell I'm bored today?

I may have to start a video clip version of the Friday Funnies...

Friday Funnies: Bonus Edition

Oh my gosh! A friend just sent me this saying it made her think of me. Eeek.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"You just said that with 'seductive voice.'"

"We gotta keep those cellos apart. They breed."

"I'm so hot, it is sinful to go on a date with me."

"Are you two involved in a bro-mance?"

"I had a random dream last night about you and Dave. YOU GOT MARRIED."

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Random. Scary.

I have the song "John Jacob Jingle-Heimer Schmidt" stuck in my head today. I don't know how it got there. I don't know how to get it out. All I know is now you have it stuck in your head too.

Rumors, Buzz, Bragging etc...

So I have a secret. Apparently my secret has caused quite a buzz. Numerous people have tried to guess the secret. One guy informed me that another guy bragged he could get the secret out of me. Not so, my friend.

None of you will ever guess this secret. It's not something that would be within the realms of anything you will think up. I won't tell ANY of you what the secret is until the two month period is up. So those of you who think you can find out the secret are wrong. Those of you who plan to ask certain well-connected friends for information will find it a useless endeavor.

I will dispel some rumors about the secret. No one is pregnant. No one is engaged. No one is about to get pregnant or engaged. No one is stealth-dating. No one has plans to stealth-date. In fact, my secret has nothing to do with male-female relationships at all.

You are all evil. There is no hope. That's it. Thank you.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Somewhat Questionable?

We all know I'm not afraid of the shady. Sometimes I even embrace it. Shocking, I know. Well apparently I have taken things too far. A friend informed me that QQ shows up as "Somewhat Questionable" on his Covenant Eyes account. So every time he hits my site, Covenant Eyes sends a report to his accountability partners, informing them that he is surfing a website with somewhat questionable content. He had to explain to said accountability partners why he's been visiting the site so frequently and why it's okay for him to do so.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Oh no she di'int!

I thought it was just another calm afternoon at Starbucks. I should have known things would go wrong. We weren't at my Starbucks...we were on foreign soil.

I had already noticed a few odd sights: those two women seem a tad bit friendly with each other; yikes! lady, rethink the dueling gingham checks; oh no, you are clearly almost 50 years old and you're wearing that!

But then it happened. The couple at the table behind us prepared to leave. They started bundling up their bouncing baby boy who was absolutely precious. My friend and I were admiring his adorableness when we noticed something alarming happening. The mom began removing the baby's garments. She then proceeded to change his diaper on the table in Starbucks! Ewwww!

My friend and I looked on in horror. I had to turn away. I couldn't watch. She finished the job. They left the store. A short time later a group of people came in and sat down at that table. The poor fools had no clue.

My friend looked at me and said "which one of us is going to blog about this?"
Both of us. Definitely.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"Like a presidential whack-a-mole."

"You are probably very irritated right now. I enjoy that."

"It's because I'm Black, isn't it?"

"My desk has FLEAS!"

Me: "Because of you, I'm not getting any!"
Guy Friend: "Sleep. She's referring to sleep."