Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week (and last week):

Husband and wife speaking simultaneously to me:
Husband~ "You'd like her. Y'all are a lot alike."
Wife~ "She's really dirty."

"Here, have a lemon. It'll help you pucker."

One dude talking to another dude:
"If you were a woman, I'd marry you."

"Would you like to donate a dollar to the trans-gender community?"

"Happy Jesus Music"

"Laurie, I promise he was NOT naked in my bedroom!"

"You're on Laurie's blog. It's like being on Oprah."

"It sucks being a sex object, but it's a price I'm willing to pay."

"I am watching Bob Ross do his "happy little strokes." Can you ever imagine him being angry? He is Clay Collum."

When you think it can't get any worse

People amaze me.

Happy Little...

My friend Beth's new blog brought back Happy Little Memories of Bob Ross. I LOVED him! If you don't remember Bob Ross and his Joy of Painting series you are either a behbeh or you were too cool for PBS. Either way, you missed out. But thanks to the wonders of modern technology, you can relive the past and experience the Joy of Bob Ross in all his afro-hair glory.

Random Observations (although not a list of 18)

• Saw Hot BMW Owner again today. We chatted for a bit. He asked me how my conference in L.A. went. We talked about work. Guess what he does...he started a hedge fund last year and does his own trading. He has amazing eye lashes. Darrick, you've got competition for the Best Male Lashes of the Year award.
• I'm not nearly as nice as I seem. I am impatient, arrogant, supercilious and I probably think I am better than you. It's not pretty.
• Singles jump to conclusions way too easily. Despite appearances, things aren't always what they seem.
• The things that most intimidate me are usually the things I need to welcome into my life. I have a challenge ahead of me that I am going to tackle, but it scares me. If you want to know more, ask me after Sunday.
• I've been listening to too much sappy music lately. It's making me sad. Must stop playing Izzy's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Also must remove the "Sad Songs" playlist from my ipod.
• Starbucks cup quote of the day "Food is the great equalizer...Remember, you can always love people through food." I often show my love to people by cooking for them. If I have ever cooked you dinner or made something because you said you liked it, I was showing you how much I love you.
• Bongo-boy is back with a vengeance. He's been playing a variety of songs every night and sometimes in the morning. *Clenching teeth.*
• Several of you will be disappointed because this blog entry isn't funny enough. Sorry. See the sappy songs entry above. Feeling more sad than funny right now. Hopefully the funny will be back tomorrow.

There's No Place Like Home

For my 2.7 readers who were worried about the absence of the Friday Funnies last week: have no fear! The Friday Funnies are still around. I was unable to post them because I was at a conference in Los Angeles. Said trip gave me plenty of material for this entry. I don't like L.A. I have visited there before and this second trip confirmed that it is just not the city for me. I have no desire to ever go there again. But L.A. is good for stories, so here are a few of the things that happened while I was in La La Land.

Things I saw:
A 6'5" transvestite in a mini-dress
An attractive, well-dressed 30-something African-American man with a mohawk
A 50-something woman with the word "vagina" on her t-shirt


Things that happened within a 50 mile radius of me:
Hundreds of lightening strikes
One mudslide
One earthquake
One day of 112 degree temperatures

People staying in my hotel:
A Master Spiritualist and his conferees
All of the Miss Universe contestants

Number of live roaches I saw outside my house the moment I got home:
Two
Ahhh. Welcome home.

How Poetic

I am beside myself. Seriously, it's like I'm sitting next to me right now. How can this be possible, you ask? Well, all sorts of wonderful and magical things happen once you have become the subject of an ode.

Ok, so I just re-read the ode and I guess maybe I'm not technically the subject of the ode after all. But I think we can safely say I did inspire the ode.

Hmmm, just read it again. I guess I didn't really inspire the ode either. But the brownie I baked...that baby got this whole ode thing off the ground.

So maybe it wasn't my brownie that started the ode trend. Looking back, it might have actually been something more like a blueberry.

But there is no denying I am named in the ode and my brownie is praised. I think I am even referenced as the best baker...errr, no...never mind.

Good Times

This week I realized that the most random things make me happy. I'm not talking about the joy of life. This isn't a spiritual post about the meaning of the universe etc etc etc... I'm just talking the little things that happen on any given day that make smile, feel good or revel in the moment. Here are some of the things I have delighted in this week.

My dear friends Dustin and Megan called me on Sunday to invite me to join them for last-minute dinner plans. I was so excited I found myself skipping around my house and bouncing up the stairs.

Coffee has made me very, very happy this week. Just holding the mug makes me feel better.

Yesterday I opened the fridge and realized I still had some fresh cherries from my last trip to the grocery store. Cherries are my favorite fruit.

Simultaneous to the cherry moment, I had a basil moment. Jeanine's basil plant went crazy and all "woo hoo" last week and produced an abundance of basil. She shared. I incorporated the herb into the meal I was cooking.

Speaking of the meal, it made me happy too. It was an experiment. No recipe. Just a bunch of random things like basil and tomatoes and red pepper flakes and presto! I had a meal. I have to admit, it was really good.

A new friend paid me the highest compliment I have ever received. I was truly touched and it made me immensely happy.

And finally, when I just ran spellcheck on this entry the program suggested I change "woo hoo" to "woo ho."

*Updated*
Reggie Aqui makes me happy for a whole host of reasons. O Reggie of the sweater vest and puffy jacket, your live shots bring joy to my otherwise mundane existence.

PMS

Someone sent me this email and it made me laugh.

There are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide to help the guys navigate those hazardous times.

Dangerous: What's for dinner?
Safer: Can I help you with dinner?
Safest: Where would you like to go for dinner?
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

Dangerous: Are you wearing that?
Safer: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
Safest: Wow! Look at you!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

Dangerous: What are you so worked up about?
Safer: Could we be overreacting?
Safest: Here's my paycheck.
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

Dangerous: Should you be eating that?
Safer: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Safest: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

Dangerous: What did you DO all day?
Safer: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
Safest: I've always loved you in that robe!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some more chocolate.

Rebuttal

Dear Todd,

Being 30 and single is not a bad thing. But your list of reasons for being glad you're single is all wrong. Please review my rebuttal and take notes.

1. You never have to share the covers, but you also never get to share your bed.
2. You already put the toilet seat down. This is not a valid reason because no woman will ever have to make you do what you already do.
3. If you've ever had to wonder whether that particular pair of underwear is clean or dirty, then this method does not work as well as you think it does.
4. See #1
5. Ummm, ewwww.
6. The leftovers from home-cooked meals make very nice lunches.
7. Order something she doesn't like.
8. This one is tricky. The best I can come up with is: back row, lights out, who cares what's on the screen, an extra ticket is a small price to pay...
9. Great, so you're just going to bottle it up inside and let it consume you from within.
10. Less family = Less presents
11. Watch something she does like.
12. Some of us don't like chick flicks...give us some credit.
13. Being married means you can act like you're hanging out with the guys even when you're with your wife. Just ask Dustin.
14. Hanging out with females vs. getting some action from your hot wife...hmm, tough one.
15. Just remember: When you decide not to shave your face, she might decide not to shave her legs.
16. How is this a difficult question? There is clearly only one answer and that is: "Of course not, honey. You're hot!"
17. Or you can notice the new haircut and get MAJOR points.
18. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone else to blame?
19. And no one to spend it on...
20. All alone.
21. Think of weddings as a means to an end. They get us in the mood for luv.
22. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. You do want to be a man of God, don't you?
23. See #2.
24. Talking in your sleep would actually be kinda cute.
25. Better-Dealer
26. You also never, EVER get to purchase lingerie. Think about it.
27. BOR-ING. And not true. You still feel the repercussions from your girl friends.
28. "Fun single events" like...eating out and seeing movies and watching the playoffs...? Yeah, you're right. You can't do those things as a couple. No way.
29. Wow. It makes me sad that you list sleeping on the floor as one of the pluses of being single.
30. Well, this whole rebuttal blew that theory out of the water.

*********
Nota Bene:
Don't freak out, people. I got permission to write a rebuttal to Todd's list. Isn't that submissive of me? ;)

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I bet they weren't getting massages."

"I am trying to come up with a Top 30 Reasons I am glad I am Single...but I can't get past 3."

"Adam and Eve realized they were buck naked."

"I think we all just witnessed a mass DTR."

"God, you know I can be a real jackass sometimes."

Under-Achiever

I just got back from my assignment. I was interviewing the sponsors and participants of a science camp for inner city youth. I now feel stupid. Seriously, these 13-year-old students are smarter than I will ever be. I wish you all could have been there for the interviews. There I am, surrounded by engineers and astronauts who are demonstrating scientific and mathematical formulas. I am talking to this scrawy kid with glasses who looks an awful lot like Urkel and he's telling me about the robots they've been building this week. He's going on and on about how great it's been to participate in biology, math and physics classes all week and how he is so excited about one day becoming an aerospace engineer. He's 13, people!

Hello, Hello

The other night I was involved in a minor car accident. I scratched a car as I was pulling alongside of it while parallel parking. It was totally my fault. The owner wasn't around, so I left a note on the car. Did I mention it was a BMW? Dang it!

The owner has since called me back and we met. Can I just say...he is HOTT!!! And sooo nice! He's not even really that worried about the damage and told me not to stress about it. He's friends with my next-door neighbor and told me the next time I see his car parked out front, I should drop by and say hello. To which I say "Hello, Hello." ;)

The Break-up

I have a problem. I have two days to figure out how to break-up my roommate and her boyfriend. Dave is taking Dinah to see The Lion King on Thursday night. Several weeks ago, Dave made a deal with me that if he and Dinah were to break up for any reason, he would take me with him to see the show. Ever since then, I have been praying hard for the demise of their relationship. They are still going strong and my chances of getting that free ticket are rapidly evaporating. Anyone have any good ideas on how I could facilitate a break-up within 48 hours?

I'm losing my funny

It's happening. I've been trying to fight it. I've been trying to avoid it. I keep telling myself it just can't be. But I can't run from the truth any longer. I'm not as funny as I used to be. I don't know when the downward spiral started. I suspect it may directly correlate to the number of roaches in my life. My funny meter was still full when I moved into the hellhole. It seems to have steadily dwindled since then. (Random observation: I like the word "dwindled.") I collect funny people around me, which makes me seem funny. But I have a sinking feeling that I'm not as funny as people think I am. I fear my funniness is all a ruse. I'm just a foil for the funniness of others. Even the "Friday Funnies" are quotes that other people said; none of them come from me. If the trend continues, there is great potential that I could become downright boring and un-in-ter-est-ing. Blech.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"It's a good thing we have our umbrellas." ~ said by man and teenage son walking in rain carrying tiny drink umbrellas.

"Will you marry me? We can register at Pottery Barn." ~ my second marriage proposal from a girl.

"Dude, your car is getting more action than we are! It's copping a feel!" ~ said by two guys after learning the car seat belt was uncomfortably squishing a certain female body part.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good: I am on vacation all week and am taking a road trip to visit my dear friend Katy in Oklahoma.

The Bad: I probably won't be blogging much this week and you will all have to find something else to amuse you at work each day.

The Ugly: There are seven dead roaches in my house right now.