Be careful what you say

Today I covered the weekly Houston City Council meeting. I was sitting next to my colleague Matt Stiles, who works for the Chronicle. At one point I leaned over to Matt and made a humorous remark. Next thing I know, I've been quoted in his Chron blog!

9:08 a.m. There' so much activity around the council dais. It's becoming clear
that something remarkable is happening. They're here! Reporter Laurie Johnson
with KUHF-FM (88.7) quips, "There must not be breakfast today."

You can read the complete entry on Matt's blog. I guess I'm moving up in the world.

Lil' Shorty

I call her...Me. Okay, my skin's a bit more pale and my eyes are green, but the likeness is pretty good. Right down to the coffee cup.

Battle of the Sexes

What women are thinking: Do I look alright? I should lose a few pounds. Why doesn't he ask me out??? How can he possibly be unaware that I like him?! I need something to cheer me up. I'll go shoe shopping. Oh my gosh! I love those! But they are waaay out of my budget. Maybe if I just eat salad until my next payday...plus that would help with those extra pounds. Oh, those boots would look SO cute on my BFF! Of course, she looks cute in everything. Why doesn't he call??? He can't really be that clueless. What is he THINKING???

What men are thinking: Mmmm, chicken nuggets.

Meh

I got nuthin.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I might get to have the word 'gynecology' on my business cards."

Single Girl: "My mom gave me some cute underwear for Valentine's Day. They came in a bag that said 'For the Happy Couple.'"

"The State of Texas will be the first to put a human papillomavirus on the moon."

"I may pimp you this evening."

On the subject of Old Earth vs. New Earth creation: "Paradigm believes in Middle Earth."

"Let's get all sizzly."

"My thighs are glorious."*

"Darn. KSBJ caught on to our evil, secular-humanist, left-wing public radio plot to mask their signal out in the 'burbs."

"I was going to have you show off those Way of the Master street babe skills."

"I just Murray'd you."

"I just used the potty. That's what was on my mind. Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. We won't mention other overflows."



*This quote breaks one of the two rules of the Friday Funnies. It was included on the list by special request.

I'm Doomed

Remember the purse incident? Well who would have thought after that debacle there would be a second date. But there was. Last night, the gentleman in question and I had our second outing. It held great promise. The plan was to attend the preview party of a museum exhibition that's about to open. It was going to be a lovely evening of culture and conversation. But for reasons that are best left unexplained, we decided to skip the party and opted for a quiet evening at Starbucks instead.

So here's how the evening went.

We arrived at Starbucks and placed our order: hot chocolate and cinnamon dolce latte. He paid for the beverages (the barista handed them to us at the register instead of placing them on the counter) and we went to find a table. The weather was really lovely, so we decided to sit outside. As we were walking toward a table, I took a sip of my hot chocolate. Oh no! I taste cinnamon! This isn't my drink, it's his! So I had to tell him that our drinks were switched and ask if he wanted to trade drinks or if it bothered him that I drank out of his cup. Geez. Not the best way to start the date. Fortunately, it didn't bother him and we were able to both laugh at the mix-up.

Conversation was really great. Topics covered include: Christian maturity; travel experiences; pornography; discipleship; touching each other; and plans for date #3. Not necessarily in that order. Quite the list, isn't it?

We chatted for a few hours and then he drove me back home. We got out of the car. He didn't try for the kiss this time, although there was lots of touching and several prolonged hugs...and that's when it happened. He made me cry.

That's right. The second date ended with me crying. Fantastic. Again, it's not the whole story, but I'm not making any of it up. Those things really happened and the ending is completely true. Like I said, I'm doomed.

Freakish

Well folks, it's that time again. Time to tell you all the wacky, weird phrases people plug into search engines that lead them to the QQ. I give you...the search terms:

"You touch my soul" -- no, really I don't.

"How roaches procreate" -- multiple people have searched this. I know one of them was Troy. I can't speak for the rest, but they probably need mental services.

"Andy Cerota gay" -- lots of people search "Andy Cerota" but apparently this person wanted to confirm his sexual orientation. FYI Anonymous Searcher Person, I'm pretty sure he's straight.

"Belly dancer yailen" -- so many thoughts...

"Carissa, belly dancer" -- even more thoughts...

"Pictures of things that begin with Q" -- I hope a five-year-old googled this.

"Third date woes" -- I'm sorry. I hope there was a fourth date.

"Clay Collum" -- haven't we all googled this guy at some point? Sweet Sunshine.

"How to kiss without slobber" -- I hope this person found the advice they were looking for.

"Troy Hollister, Houston" -- hmmm, secret admirer, perhaps?

"Nap dancing" -- googled by someone in Istanbul, presumably a teenage boy with a limited grasp on English.

"How to hang a wall sconce" -- I hope this person didn't follow my step-by-step instructions.

"Justin Fountain, Houston" -- sorry, Justin! I hope my blog didn't scare off any prospective employers!

"How to prank a texter" -- ohhh, I hope they read my entry on the "dirty" text I received!

"Cards to rhyme with tonsil" -- I'm thinking drug-induced search.

"Nilla wafer jokes" -- if you find such jokes, please don't tell them. I guarantee you're the only one who thinks they're funny.

"Kissing sissies" -- better than kissing bullies!

"Hindus cockroaches blessing" -- definite proof I will never convert to Hinduism.

How to Date a Friend

Okay, this is hilarious and brilliant. There's a lot of information, but at least scroll down to the bottom and check out the flow chart. I think this guy might actually be on to something... :}

You Decide

What do you think is going on in this picture?

More of Me

An excerpt from my journal:

Sitting here in the early morning, I can see the grass covered with dewdrop frosting. There is just a slight chill in the air...enough to make it pleasant to be outside. I want to go lie on the grass and stretch out my body and be covered with glistening diamond dew. Then the cold drops will seep into my skin.

First my fingers and toes will feel it - they will grow cold and slowly become numb. Then the cold will move to my arms and legs and my neck. It will keep advancing to my back and my stomach and breasts. Then it will start crawling inside and, maybe, if I lie very still and wait long enough it will reach the deepest place in my heart and it will stop there.

The cold will settle in and become comfortable and grow and spread until I can't even tell how numb I am. When you're numb you can't feel anything so I will just be numb. It won't hurt. And no one will be able to see it. The cold dew will be buried deep inside - protecting me from everything that tries to make its way in. I won't be sad - how can you be sad when you're numb?

This is what would happen if I went to lie in the grass and dew. But instead, I write in this book and cry.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh this week:

"I am NOT Anna Nicole's baby daddy."

"Todd's new nickname is Wild Donkey."

"I'm ready to give it up right now!"

"Laurie, you are crazy in the kitchen!"

"You're my favorite forest friend."

"I just had the best shot I've ever had in my life. It was called the Kama Sutra."

Nap Dance

A few weeks ago, many of us had the pleasure of seeing Napoleon Dynamite perform at our local variety show. I happen to be good personal friends with Mr. Dynamite and he graciously offered to show us all his cheat-sheet for his mad dancing skillz. I give you...the Nap Dance.

Why I'm Single...?

I had a date last night. It was truly lovely. My date picked me up at my house. He showed up on my doorstep wearing a snazzy suit and tie and holding a bouquet of roses along with a card which mentioned my unfading beauty.

I was then whisked off to dinner at a very trendy, very classy restaurant where I was told we were going to take a "leisurely stroll through the courses on the menu" accompanied by a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Throughout the evening, I was handed additional little cards with various words and phrases on them...all adding up at the end to a wonderful message about the beauty of a godly woman.

After a fantastic evening filled with excellent conversation, my date drove me home, walked me to my door and kissed me. At which point I hit him on the head with my purse.

So okay, maybe this isn't the full story...but I'm not making any of it up. All of those things happened, including the ending. Sigh.

A True Gentleman

A few days ago I had an encounter with a Summit guy that really struck me. It was a small, seemingly insignificant moment that carried more weight than he could have imagined.

I was at a party and had to leave early. One of the guys at the party who I have only met a couple times noticed me leaving and offered to walk me to my car. I told him my car was literally right in front of the house. His response was "okay, I'm still going to walk with you." As we left the house, I expected him to do the typical Summit guy thing: walk me half-way down the driveway and watch me walk the rest of the way to the car. This has happened to me countless times. For some reason, the guys think it is sufficient to only take the girl half-way. I've even had guys watch me from their balcony or front porch, instead of taking the time and care to actually escort me to my vehicle. I kept expecting him to stop and just stand there. I even pointed out my car and told him "it's just right there" but he continued walking with me. I got to my car and unlocked the door and that's when he did something that completely floored me. He reached over, opened my car door for me, made sure I got safely inside and carefully shut my door as he waved goodbye and wished me a good night.

That one act touched me so deeply. That's the first time a Summit man has done that for me. I've had plenty of doors opened for me, but it's always when I am getting into their car -- never when they are helping me into my own car. It was such a simple act: the way a gentleman treats a lady. He did it without making a show of it, without expecting any accolades, without giving the wrong signals. I didn't drive away thinking "oh, he likes me!" or "I wonder what he meant by that?". I drove away thinking "that is a man who is unafraid to be a man and unafraid to treat me as a lady."

Men, don't be afraid to be gentlemen. Don't worry about what the girl will think or whether she'll get the wrong idea. If you treat every lady just the same and truly treat her as a lady, she'll know that your intentions are to value and protect her. You have no idea how much it means to us, how much we appreciate those small acts and how much respect you gain in our eyes when you do something as simple as open a car door.

My life summed up in a comic strip

I'm "It"

I've been tagged by Dovie and am now charged with telling you all six weird things about me. Blame her if you learn something that's just too weird for you to handle.

1. I can't wear button-down shirts. I have this habit of taking one button and unbuttoning and buttoning it...over and over and over. I will sit there and just absentmindedly play with that button for hours. So instead of just breaking this habit, I eliminated most button-down shirts from my wardrobe. If you ever see me wearing one, consider that I am probably making a HUGE conscious effort not to unbutton the thing.

2. I missed the 80's. I grew up in the 80's, but I completely missed out on most of the things that others remember. I've never seen The Goonies. I couldn't quote a single line from Ferris Bueller or The Breakfast Club. I don't know the words to any Michael Jackson songs and have never seen the entire music video of Thriller. In fact, I am unfamiliar with most music of that time. I grew up listening to Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith. I don't think I ever saw MTV until I was in college.

3. I like driving from one end of the road all the way to the other end. Let me explain. When I'm on a road trip or joy-riding, I want to see everything on that particular road. I don't feel like I've really experienced all the road has to offer if I missed a half-mile section. This is not a problem when you're driving down a road that's a few miles long. It becomes an issue when you're on a road that stretches from coast to coast and you really want to see the whole thing from one end to the other.

4. I don't like chick flicks. Most people know this about me already, but I still suspect it's weird. I'm told that almost all women LOVE chick flicks. I usually can't stand them. I think How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days was one of the most ridiculous movies ever made. Sweet Home Alabama? Ooey gooey awfulness. Coyote Ugly? Despicable. There are a few exceptions to this hatred. My Big Fat Greek Wedding was so stinkin' funny and so true to real life that I liked it. While You Were Sleeping was another one that I enjoyed, mostly because it was also more about dysfunctional families than about improbable love stories.

5. I find necks attractive. Some men have really nice necks. Really I'm talking about the back of the neck. It's something about the way the hair tapers down into a nice, clean line and the way the neck curves into the shoulders. Bonus points if the neck is tanned. Sexy.
Nota Bene: The neck is not a deal-breaker.

6. I'm slightly non-conformist. Most of the time, I am happy to swim in the same direction as all the other fishes. But occasionally I have to about-face and go the other direction. Case in point: I'm supposed to post the rules to this blog-game and then tag six other people. But I just don't feel like it. If tagging others hadn't been one of the rules, I probably would have done something to that effect. But because it was required of me, I decided not to. Furthermore, many of you probably think this particular quirk shouldn't count as one of my "weirdisms." Again, I'm breaking (or at least slightly bending) the rules because I simply don't care. But I'm only non-conformist in the little things. When it comes to obeying laws, fashion sense, social norms, taste in music and posting all six weirdisms, I'm pretty darn average.

Friday Funnies

Things that made me laugh since the last FF:

Her: "Have you ever noticed at weddings how there is always one couple, off in a corner, all over each other?"
Him: "Oh. So you noticed me and Laurie making out in the back pew."

"Don't encourage the gays."

Me: "I can't believe how crowded this bus is!"
Him: "Makes it easy to score an anonymous pinch."

"Discussing castrated bees is thrilling"

Taxiing to the terminal at the Denver Airport: "Ladies and Gentleman, the reason our fares are so low is that we actually landed in Colorado Springs and we're driving to Denver."

"I'm impressed with how you're able to sleep so...erect."

12 Days of Traveling (or so it seems)

Twelve bucks for a burger.
Eleven hours traveling.
Ten dollars to access internet.
Nine hundred emails.
Eight slot machines.
Seven falls off the ski lift.
Six nights in a strange bed.
Five different airports.
Four drunk women.
Three nasty bruises.
Two engaged people.
One broken hand.

Blogging from the Strip

I'm in Las Vegas. No part of my plans for this trip included Las Vegas. But it seems that travel for me is never easy. Cuba, anyone?

I got up at 3:45 this morning to meet Bethany and head to the airport. We made it there by 5:20 to check in for our 6:35 flight. That's when we were informed our flight was...cancelled. Yep. Cancelled. Now that wouldn't be so bad, if we didn't have to be in Salt Lake City by 11:30 in order to meet up with the rest of our group and board the charter bus. But instead, we were placed on a 6:55 flight to Las Vegas. The only good thing I have to say about Vegas is free wireless! We're here for two hours before we can catch the next flight to SLC. They tell us we'll arrive in SLC at 12:50. That's more than an hour AFTER the rest of our group leaves the airport to head to Park City. Which means we're stuck.

By the time we reach our final destination at the Canyon Resorts, I'll have been traveling for eight hours. I could have crossed the Atlantic in that time!

And so begins my vacation.