I drank one of my tears today.
It dropped into my coffee cup this morning while I was grieving over decisions made and losses suffered.
I gulped it down anyway.
If life were a book, that would be poetic.
But, in reality, I think it's just pathetic.

Facebook Updates I'm tempted to Post But Won't for the Sake of Decency and Harmony

"Laurie thinks you're not nearly as funny as you think you are."

"Laurie wants to xoxo."

"Laurie finds your fashion decisions highly questionable."

"Laurie had Sex in a Pan. Twice."

Ooops! It happened AGAIN!

Ok I'm starting to think there's some sort of conspiracy going on.

Yesterday my phone rang at the office. I answered the call and it was a work colleague who wanted to talk about a story idea for the news. After chatting about the story, he casually said "so this is off the clock and off the record, but I really enjoyed seeing you at that event last week." "Oh. Yeah. It was nice running into you," I said. "Yes. I was standing behind you the whole time and I started getting a little bored during the event until I realized what a nice view I had looking at you from back there," he replied.

Ummmm. Wow.

Giddy

I'm in a new relationship and it's giving me that giddy feeling where I smile all the time, even though it's definitely still in the starting stages of getting to know each other. When we're apart, I can't wait to be together. When we're together, I feel a little awkward but so happy and excited. I know the awkwardness will wear off eventually and even the giddiness too. But I hope it will settle into something fun and long-term that retains a little bit of mystery.

I'm not ready to call it love, but I really REALLY like my Droid.

RETREAT!

I went on a church retreat with friends this weekend. We spent the weekend in the country, mostly just relaxing and playing games and enjoying a time of intentional restfulness.
While on the retreat, I met a new guy who I hadn't seen before. We were chatting and going through the usual get-to-know-ya questions.

We were out on the porch and I turned to look out at the pasture and take in the beauty of the outdoors. He was sitting in a chair behind me and I realized I was standing right in front of him, blocking his view of the scene. I quickly stepped to the side and apologized to him for blocking him.

He gave me a huge grin and said he didn't mind me standing in front of him as he had been enjoying the view from behind and that I was welcome to stand in front of him any time.

Now I ask you, how does a girl even respond to that?

I saw the movie 300

FAIL

Be My Guest

Let me just preface this blog entry by saying men are gross. That should clue you in to the nature of this story, continue reading at your own peril.

I recently hosted a small birthday party for a friend. As a group, we went to dinner, to be followed by dessert at my house. Circumstantially, I was the only girl in the group who stuck around for dessert (and I sorta HAD to be there since it was at my house and all).

So there I am, with seven guys circling the dessert like vultures. Or perhaps more like sharks scenting blood in the water. After the brownies were cut, I retreated to the other side of the table in fear that I might lose a limb in the feeding frenzy.

Once they were sufficiently sated with brownies and ice cream, they decided to lounge about and watch TV. Now this does not bother me one bit, except for the fact that one of the guys (who I have only met once or twice) made himself EXTREMELY comfortable on my couch. Sorry for the graphic description here, but the way he rolled around on my sofa made me think of a walrus attempting to mate with a sea serpent. He pretty much ravaged the couch.

Did I mention he had a cold? Because he did. And he kept loudly blowing his nose into a napkin. Again, I don't have a problem with that. Except for the fact that after he left, I found his snotty used napkin open and exposed ON THE COFFEE TABLE!!! EWWWWWWW! I almost gagged. I picked up two paper plates and scooped the napkin up to throw it away. Then I proceeded to wipe down the coffee table with 409 and spray Lysol all over the couch.

And don't even get me started on the other guy at the party who kept farting loudly while we played games. He blamed it on the ice cream.

And they wonder why they're single...

I'M ALIVE!

Hello Blog-World!

So much has changed in the past few weeks since I saw you last. I've accepted a job in Chicago, a city that I absolutely LOVE, and will be moving after the New Year. I'm super excited about this!

Or you know, I'm just making that whole job thing up and trying to make it seem like I had a flashy excuse for my blogging absence. The truth is I have been so busy lately that I haven't even had time to generate funny stories, let alone blog about them.

But I'm back in the saddle and promise new hilarity soon. And in case you're still confused, that whole thing about Chicago was a joke. Houston is home. For now.

Oh I Hope Not

Last night I went to dinner with a couple girls. We opted for a little Chinese place near my house. After the meal, they handed us the ubiquitous fortune cookies. I opened mine and couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry.

It said "You and your wife will be happy in your life together."

Crazy: It Runs in the Family

My family is crazy. I know what you're thinking...you think your family takes the cake. But no, let me tell you your family has nothing on mine. I share this story for illustrative purposes. Please don't hold it against me.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a family birthday gathering. A nice meal out was followed by cake at gramma and pawpaw's house. At one point, my aunt shared a tragic story about my uncle's coworker who committed suicide by hanging himself.

Of course, we were all saddened to hear this terrible story and there was much shaking of heads and frowning. After a short pause, someone in the bunch declares "Suicide by hanging...what a horrible way to go. If I were going to commit suicide I would shoot myself."

Relative #2: "Oh NO! I could NEVER shoot myself! I would just take an overdose of sleeping pills."

Relative #3: "But what if it didn't work and you just had to have your stomach pumped? I've always though I would just drive my car into a tree."

Relative #1: "You might end up a quadriplegic. Or a vegetable. I still think shooting myself in the head would be the fastest way."

Meanwhile, I'm actually contemplating suicide as a desperate attempt to escape from these crazy people.

Complimentary Service

Last week I was hurrying through a store, shopping for a gift for a friend, when a man walked past me, stopped, turned around and stared at me. Then he said "I'm sorry, I just have to tell you...you have the most beautiful hair."

Normally I would be quite flattered and pleased by such a compliment. Except he sorta had a mini-mullet...and no teeth.

Leftovers

This morning I was rushing out of the house, running a bit late for city council. I was juggling several items in my hands, including my laptop, purse, tupperware of homemade turkey chili, keys and jacket.

I got to my car, opened the door and leaned in to put my belongings inside...and guess which of those items fell out of my hand, popped open and splatted all over the garage floor and just inside the edge of the car? That's right. That would be the chili.

Fortunately, it splattered in a pattern flowing away from me and didn't land on my clothes or person. But I did have to clean up several spots on the seat, door and floorboard of my car.

I guess I now have an excuse to buy lunch today.

Email Excerpts

This email exchange made me chuckle.

Laurie,
So I was just looking at the tickets to confirm the start time for the show. It starts at 7:30. Can you make it to that or should we try for another show another time? I don't want to cause you to be stressed as a result of rushing to get there.

Have a great.

Guy

*****

Guy,
Thanks for checking with me! Any other time that would be a problem, but that night we'll be in fundraising mode which means I can slip out early.

And I hope you have a great too. ;)

~Laurie

*****

Fantastic.
I almost commented on your last line...you know, to correct you. But thankfully, I re-read my own email first. Doh!!!

Talk to you.

Guy

Words of Encouragement?

Last night I was chatting with a lady in the bookstore at church. She started telling me about how she and her husband met there back in the 70s. It was a sweet, cute story that I really enjoyed hearing. After she finished she looked at me, patted my arm and said "Oh, and just so you know...a friend of mine just got married for the first time at the age of 60!"

Lord, take me now.

Speaks for itself

True Story

*These events have not been embellished or altered in any way. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

My phone rings. Oh! It's "Nick"!
"Hey! What's up?"

Nick: "I'm in your house."
Me: "Um ok. I know you have a key. What are you doing?"
Nick: "I'm dropping off some stuff. Do I need to reset the alarm?"
Me: "No, it's fine. Don't worry about the alarm."
Nick: "So...(in a sultry voice)...do you want me to leave you a present while I'm here?"
Me: "Yes, yes I do."
Nick: "Oh. I guess I kinda backed myself into a corner on that one."
Me: "You suuure did. I'm looking forward to whatever you come up with."
Nick: "Well ok, I'm about to get creative. Talk to you later."

Twenty minutes later...phone rings again.

Me: "Hey there"
Nick: "Ok, I left you a surprise. But you're gonna have to go looking for it."
Me: "Um ok, will it be easy to identify?"
Nick: "Yes, you'll know it's from me. Oh and I should tell you, it's not exactly Baptist-approved."
Me: "I'm nervous."
Nick: "You'll like it. See you soon."

I sure hope he meant sci-fi...

I've been to several weddings recently, which is always an interesting experience for me because you end up having a whole bunch of random people thrown into one big party together whether they're compatible or not.

At one of the weddings I went to, I ended up at a table with an eclectic assortment of people. Among them was a woman who informed me she married at the age of 30. Her husband was 23 years older than her. They had their first child when he was 56.

Next to her, there was another lady who seemed like the kind of woman I will be in about 30 years. She was outgoing, sassy and irreverent, but clearly trying to behave herself. She was a hoot. It was taking quite a long time to get food and be served at the reception. At one point she announced to the table that Subway has better service than this place.

And then there was the old uncle across the table. There he sat in his suspenders...waxing eloquent about his life and various illnesses. At one point he invited us to visit his store. "What kind of store do you have?" the lady next to me asked. "It's a fantasy store," the old uncle said.

Our smiles froze in place. All I could think was "don't make eye contact!" He then rambled on about selling candy and sweets which left me even more puzzled.

We finally concluded he must have said something else and we all mistakenly heard 'fantasy.'
But really I prefer thinking he runs a fantasy store. In his suspenders.

Just Another Day

As a reporter, I often get calls to respond to breaking news situations. I've covered natural disaster scenes, hostage situations, plane crashes and various other tragedies. But it's not often I get a call from a friend saying "oh my gosh get over to my house quick! The whole place is surrounded by cops...the SWAT team just arrived!"

Yeah. That happened today. Five canisters of tear gas later and the situation is under control.

Best Line of the Day

"Sometimes I just want to wear the pants and not the pantiliners."

Pondering

"The best women belong to the men most daring. Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top. Men do not want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. They prefer to get the rotten apples that are on the ground that are easy to reach. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in fact they are wrong. They simply have to wait a little longer for the man who is brave enough to climb to the top of the tree."

~Machado de Assis, Brazilian Poet