How to Annoy a Reporter

A step-by-step tutorial:

First, send out a press release about an event. Include the time, address and purpose, but don't include any contact information or phone numbers.

Next, make sure the address causes the reporter to end up at a huge locked gate in front of the building, with no access point, call button or security shack.

After the reporter uses her smart phone to look up a phone number for your organization, make sure the main number routes her through a generic automated answering system.

Reporters are wily, so she'll probably figure out how to get a live person to answer her call eventually. When she succeeds, be sure to have the operator direct her around to the back gate of the facility for access. Don't tell her that the back gate is flooded.

After she discovers the flooding, she will probably call again, demanding answers. Make sure someone different answers the phone this time.

Tell the reporter you will put her on hold while you investigate the matter. Leave her on hold for at least five minutes. During this time, you can choose whether or not to actually investigate the issue regarding access to the building. Your call. Finally, pick the line back up and in doing so "accidentally" disconnect the call.

Depending on her tenacity, she may give up altogether and leave without attending the press conference. In this case, you have been successful in your handling of the situation.

However, be advised that she may be so angered that she takes measures into her own hands, drives back around to the front of the building, honking her horn until someone walks out, at which point she may demand to be allowed inside to attend the now completed press conference.

If this happens, know that you did everything in your power to make the process as frustrating as possible. Good job.

Adventures in House-Hunting

I'm planning to move in a few weeks and have looked at one or two places so far. I'll just be renting, not buying, but the experience has been...interesting...so far. I've only checked out a couple spots because it's a bit early to finalize anything.

The first place I looked at came about by driving through a neighborhood. I spied a cute little place with a For Rent sign out front. So I called the number and chatted with the owner about the details of price, size etc. He told me his wife could meet me there to show me the property if I wanted to see it right away, so I agreed.

A few minutes later she pulled up...a very cute little old lady bundled in a sweater, cheerily waving at me. Mentally, I thought this could be a good sign.

As we walked up to the apartment she was telling me about the property. "There's the main house, which we own, and the apartment in the back which we lease out. We're the landlords, so you'd be dealing directly with us."

"Oh, so do you and your husband live in the house?" I asked, politely, trying to make conversation.

She stopped, looked at me and said, in a none too pleasant voice, "NO. I told you. I know it's hard to listen, but I already informed you we're the landlords. We don't live here. We just rent it. Landlord means we rent it."

Then she headed up the stairs, cheerily informing me of the various amenities.
I made a mental note to scratch this one off the list.
Even if the apartment was adorable, the landlady was not.

Now this is a chemistry class I would enjoy...

The Chain

the sky looks pissed
the wind talks back
my bones are shifting in my skin
and you, my love, are gone

my room seems wrong
the bed won't fit
I cannot seem to operate
and you, my love, are gone

so glide away on soapy heels
and promise not to promise anymore
and when you come around again
then I will take the chain from off the door

I'll never say I'll never love
but I don't say a lot of things
and you, my love, are gone

so glide away on soapy heels
and promise not to promise anymore
and when you come around again
then I will take...
then I will the chain from off the door

Beans, beans...the magical legume

I made a big pot of beans last night. I figured I could eat some for lunches this week and freeze the rest. I tried out a new recipe. It has white beans and herbs with Italian-style turkey sausage. The only problem is, I don't like it very much. I mean, it's not bad...but it's not all that great either. So now I'm left with a dilemma. Do I force myself to eat the leftovers? Or do I throw out perfectly good food that just doesn't appeal to me?

What do you do in these situations?

Secret Footage

Yesterday I saw a woman in the grocery store wearing skin-tight white pants, with red and white striped underwear. Naturally, I know what her underwear looked like because I could see them straight through her pants. Incidentally, she had the beginning of a wedgie forming.

I really wanted to film her for secret footage on What Not to Wear. (If you aren't familiar with this show, you MUST check it out. I can honestly say it's the only fashion show out there that actually makes me want to get rid of things instead of buy things.)

I think it's going to be a new goal of mine to get someone onto the show. So beware...when you're around me I may be looking for fashion violations. You have been warned.

Splish Splash

Last night I was out with some friends at the uber-trendy Benjy's location on Washington. We were enjoying happy hour on the terrace. We were definitely part of "the scene." Everyone looked fierce, dressed to the nines. (What does that phrase even mean?)

Can you picture it? A bunch of 20- and 30-somethings, sipping wine and noshing on upscale bits and bites, laughing and talking under the soft lights of the chic patio.

It was a birthday celebration. We presented a gorgeous fruit tart with sparkling candles to the birthday girl. The flames flickered in the dusk, as we softly sang and laughed under the stars. It was like a scene out of a movie.

Chatting with my friends, I began slicing pieces of the tart, dishing them out to those around me. And in the process, knocked over my entire glass of RED wine directly onto the guy sitting across from me. He, along with his lovely suit, was drenched in Pinot Noir. I was mortified. It was literally dripping off of him, streaming down his jacket.

He was very kind and gracious about it. The suit was dark and he assured me it wouldn't be ruined. His white shirt, on the other hand, won't be so fortunate. But he laughed and said "You know, Laurie...I've always secretly wanted to have a moment where a woman threw her glass of wine in my face. Thanks for making that happen for me."

Maybe the evening was more like a movie than I realized.

There's a TV on the wall above my head. (This is normal in a newsroom...go with it.) I just glanced up and saw Oprah on her fishing/camping expedition that has been much hyped on the network. Right now she is wading into a stream, attempting to fly-fish.

The thought struck me...what if video crews followed me around all day long on vacation? I have the day off tomorrow. Maybe I should document my activities. I think they will go something like this:

Sleep late
Eat some breakfast (contents TBD)
Wash laundry
Shop for groceries
Check Facebook
Eat lunch
Take nap
etc etc etc

I think this is going to be a big hit.