Close Encounters

Today I was covering a political event, interviewing candidates and milling about in a room full of people. At one point, I was standing alone off to the side, recording the sound of the busy room. A man walked up, stood directly in front of me and announced "I'm your cousin."

I laughed and said "oh really..."
I thought he was about to make some joke about having the last name Johnson or something like that. I was prepared to be unimpressed. Instead, he looked me in the eye and said "Yes. I'm your cousin. I'm Shane."

I literally gasped and threw my arms around him. It WAS my cousin Shane, who I haven't seen, talked to or heard from since I was 12 years old! I have no idea how he recognized me. We chatted for just a few minutes -- there wasn't time for a lengthy conversation. I just kept staring at him, amazed by the seemingly random encounter and the rush of emotions I was experiencing.

You see for a number of reasons, my father cut off ties with his family members when I was a young girl. As a result of that family break, I never saw my cousins again. It wasn't my fault and it wasn't my cousins' fault that we parted ways -- but we suffered the consequences of the separation. It wasn't until today that I realized I've missed my connection to my cousins. Growing up, we weren't close. We lived in different cities and only saw one another a few times a year. But there is something special about having family and relatives who are connected to you in a way your friends can never be.

I didn't realize how deeply that affected me -- it hit me today that it was a loss I had never really grieved. It's not so much that I missed Shane, specifically (although seeing him again was wonderful). It's that I miss having those bonds with people who are irreversibly connected to me, my history and my blood.

Maybe I miss the idea of what was lost -- images of picnics under the pecan tree in my grandmother's back yard -- sharing the excitement of Christmas with other kids my age -- enjoying my role as princess among a passel of boy cousins -- those are the mental images flying through my mind today. It's the loss of what was and also what could have been --lost possibilities that are probably idealized, mostly unrealized and certainly a defining part of who I am.

Oh what a day is today!
Nothing can stand in my way.
Now that you've shipped out from under my skin,
I think I'm ready to win.

Oh what a night is tonight!
I think I'm ready to fight.
Now that my broken bones all have been healed,
I think I'm starting to feel...

Something good...
Something good...
Now that you're gone, I can roll on to something good.

Oh what a way that we died!
Plenty of tears were supplied.
My eyes are wrung out and dry as a bone,
and I taste much better alone.

Now that you're gone, I can roll on to something good.

~Ingrid Michaelson

The Lady Doth Protest!

Back in December, I won the grand prize at my office Christmas party. It included a fancy dinner for two, transportation to a show at the Wortham Center and a suite at a luxury hotel. I decided to invite a guy friend of mine to join me for the dinner and show portion of the evening. We'll call him Tom, since that's his name.

So Tom and I enjoyed a really nice dinner, a chauffeured towncar to the Wortham and a fun live performance. After the show, while waiting for our car to pick us up (that sounds so important, doesn't it?), we were chatting with some work acquaintances. The subject of my grand prize came up and they wanted to know what all was included in the package.

"Well," I said, "it included dinner at a very nice restaurant, transportation down here and I get a one-night stay in a suite at the hotel."

"A one-night-stand?!" one of the guys exclaimed. Then he winked knowingly at Tom, shook his hand and proclaimed "Congratulations, man! You go! All right...a one-night stand!"

Cue Laurie turning about ten shades of red and stammering out a protest, while Tom is laughing and shaking the guy's hand.

How do I get myself into these messes? Sigh.

Another Day in the Life...

I finally have blog material again. Shall we commence? Ok.

Last Thursday I was working in the studio, minding my own business, doing my air shift. I finished a break and turned off my mic. Just then, two of my bosses walked into the studio and stared at me. I nervously asked if everything was ok. One boss said "I have something to tell you and it's going to give you a heart attack." The other boss snickered and said "I can't wait to see the look on her face when she hears this..."

Needless to say my heart started pounding a little faster.

Boss #1 then tells me that one of the cast members of an extremely popular radio program has been delayed because of the snowstorm in DC and his flight will not land in time for him to appear on stage at a live event here in Houston. His absence leaves a gaping hole in the event. The show must go on, but what to do without him? Then she says "we want you to go on in his place."

EXCUSE ME??

"Yes, we'd like for you to head over to the Wortham Center right now and start rehearsing with the rest of the cast. You will have a script to work from and you won't have to worry about memorizing anything, but you should head there now to get familiar with the material and the rest of the team."

So in a daze, I turned off my computer, handed over my air shift to someone else, went to the Wortham Center and calmly announced that I was Carl Kasell's understudy for the live taping of Wait Wait Don't Tell Me.

I spent the next two hours backstage, reading scripts, prepping for the show, joining the cast for dinner and preparing in my own dressing room.

About 15 minutes before show time, Carl Kasell walked in, hurriedly changed his tie and was briefed just in time to make it on the show. I never went on.

BUT, although it would have been a blast to do the show with a live audience, I was so relieved. I kept imagining walking out there to a sold-out audience with the knowledge that every person in the room was wishing I was an old white guy.

Behind the News

Ooops! I did it again!

Sometimes technology works against us.

A couple of days ago I had plans to meet up with some girlfriends for dinner after work. The other girls went a bit early to catch happy hour and I planned to meet them a bit later. About half an hour before I got off work I sent a text message to one of the girls, asking her to order a Texas martini for me before happy hour ended. I never heard back from her and just assumed that she didn't hear her phone in the noisy restaurant.

The next morning I got a text from a friend of mine who is a missionary attending seminary.
He wanted to know why I had asked him to order a martini for me.

*Slaps hand to forehead AGAIN*

Tele-Miscommunication

Sometimes technology works against us.

The other day I was searching through my call history on my phone, looking for a specific number. A few moments later I carried my phone (along with all my groceries) into the house. As I was putting my groceries away, my phone rang and I looked and saw the person calling me was a guy I used to be in a relationship with.

I answered the phone with that tone in my voice reserved for these situations...you know the one that says "hello, I may or may not be happy to hear from you but WHY are you calling me?!"

"Hey, is everything ok?" he asked.
"Yes, everything is fine. What's going on?" I replied.
"You just called me," he said.
"I didn't call you. You're calling me," I responded.
"No. You just called me and left a long message with nothing but silence. I was worried that something was wrong or that you might be in trouble. Are you ok?" the Ex said with confusion.

(This is where I slapped my hand to my forehead and realized what must have happened.)

"I'm sorry. I didn't intend to call you. I think I must have bumped something on my phone and called you without realizing it," I said, sheepishly.

"Oh. Ok. Well good because I was worried. Next time you call if you're in trouble, leave a message."

Tune in tomorrow for the next installment of Tele-Miscommunication...

To Dad

All in all it wasn't bad
All in all it wasn't good, but I still care

That's the problem with the days
They're never long enough to say
What it is you never said
All the books you never read

I throw myself into the wind
Hoping somebody might pick me up and carry me again

Where are you now? Do you let me down?
Do you make me grieve for you?
Do I make you proud?
Do you get me now?
Am I your pride and joy?

I believe this to be true
There's nothing sacred, nothing new
No one tells you when it's time
There are no warnings, only signs

And you know that you're alone
You're not a child anymore, but you're still scared

All your mountains turn to rocks
All your oceans turn to drops
They are nothing like you thought
You can't be something you are not

Life is not a looking glass
Don't get tangled in your past, like I am learning not to

Where are you now? Do you let me down?
Do you make me grieve for you?
Do I make you proud?
Do you get me now?
Am I your pride and joy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1g7PrM8GOhQ

TMI

My coworkers were just having a conversation about our aging relatives. My grampa recently was ill, but is now recovering. One of my coworkers shared that his grandmother's health has greatly improved, but her mind has slipped. Now she has a habit of sharing a little too openly about her past.

One day the family was together and gramma (who was 83 at the time) started talking about some of her boyfriends from when she was young. She concluded her story with a big sigh and said "I miss having sexual relations."

GRAMMA!

What's in a name?

I've been thinking about changing my on-air name. It would be nice to have a little more anonymity when in public and not have to worry about protecting my identity. I was thinking of something hyphenated...that way my radio listeners will just think it's my married name and it won't be too confusing for people.

What do y'all think of Laurie Anderson-Mabie Warner...? Too wordy?

Do I KNOW you??!

I've been pretty stressed lately and decided I needed a day of self-nurturing on Monday. I spent the day doing things that make me happy and spending time with people who encourage me. I decided the perfect wrap-up to the day would be a massage.

I made an appointment at a location I hadn't been to before and looked forward to a relaxing and soothing experience.

I got there, checked in, met the massage therapist and settled in. She asked me a few questions about where I was tense and what my trouble spots were. She then asked me if I ever grind my teeth. "No, I don't think so," I said. "Do you clench your jaw?" she asked. "Oh, yes. Yes, sometimes I do clench my jaw when I'm concentrating," I replied. "Ok, I'm going to give you a small facial massage and work on your jaw if that's ok." "Yes, that's fine."

There I am, on the table, breathing in the aromatherapy lavender scents, eyes closed, waiting for her to work her magic. "Open your mouth and relax your jaw," she says. I obey.

And she promptly shoves her finger in my mouth and pushes hard into the joint where my lower and upper jaws connect! "How does that feel?" she murmurs. Ummm....awkward and uncomfortable, I'm thinking. Out loud "uhhh...iss ok I guessh...ish difficult to shay how thish feels," I slur, talking around the probing digit.

I don't think I'll try that again.

Warning

This post may not be suitable for all audiences. Namely, guys. Well, actually I'm pretty sure you guys can handle it...but I wanted to put the disclaimer out there just to cover my...ahem...bases.

Chalk this up under the heading of Things You Do NOT Want to Hear When Meeting Your New Gynecologist: "Ok, regarding sexual activity...let me just look over your paperwork here...oh wait...are you THE Laurie Johnson?! I listen to you every day!"

Let's just say there are some places where I prefer NOT to be recognized.

This makes me happy

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass from OK Go on Vimeo.

Available in Blood or Crip

The QQ Welcomes Guest Bloggers

A guest blogger contributed today's entry. He asked to remain anonymous, although I informed him that if he allowed me to post his name I'm pretty sure he'd never get shot down again.

I have to be honest and say it's extremely humbling to post his entry because I know how far I fall short of his list. Nevertheless, I give you the following from an amazing guest blogger.


10 Things that are Great about Single Christian Women

1. They care about modesty.
2. They want the men in their lives to be leaders and they genuinely want to follow them.
3. They say no to a lot of dates. Nobody knows why, they just do, get over it.
4. They are really sweet when they shoot you down.
5. They are servants.
6. They are patient in waiting for a husband.
7. They take care of the children, elderly, and men in the church.
8. They love to cook for the men in their lives.
9. They hold the men in their lives accountable.
10. They don't settle.

Who and Who? Wow.

Don't worry if it's not good enough for anyone else to hear

"...in bed"

You know that whole fortune cookie thing people do where they tag on the words "in bed" to the end of the fortune? Beware, this can backfire.

Yesterday several of my coworkers went to lunch to discuss a project that's underway. They were at a Chinese restaurant and one of my colleagues reminded the others of the "in bed" gag. Just then, the elderly professorial gentleman at the table with them read his fortune out loud.

"You can't always please others, so just please yourself."

Christmas "Surprises"

My mom called me last night as I was driving home and asked if I was warm.
"Well Mom, it's pretty cold outside and I'm wearing a coat, but my feet are a bit chilly right now," I said.
"Have you ever thought that a snuggie would make a great Christmas present?" she asked.
"No. No, I have not ever thought that. I'm pretty sure a snuggie would NOT make a great Christmas present," I answered.
"Are you sure you wouldn't love to get a leopard-print snuggie for Christmas?" she asked again.
"I'm positive that is not what I want for Christmas," I declared emphatically.
"Well, you better get excited about it...because that's what gramma is giving you..." she snickered.
Yes, my mom snickered at me.
And yes, I'm getting a leopard-print snuggie for Christmas. Whether I like it or not.

I drank one of my tears today.
It dropped into my coffee cup this morning while I was grieving over decisions made and losses suffered.
I gulped it down anyway.
If life were a book, that would be poetic.
But, in reality, I think it's just pathetic.