Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Dating Game: Thanks, But No Thanks

Let's talk about rejection. Since the first entry in my dating series was primarily for the guys, I thought it would be a good idea to address the girls this time.

Rejection is not fun, no matter which side of it you're on. Men don't like to be rejected and women don't like to do the rejecting. It's unpleasant and uncomfortable for everyone involved. That said, there are some guidelines for how to make it easier and less painful.

I talked to a couple of trusted guy friends and asked them specifically if they're going to be turned down, how they would like that to play out. This entry is based directly on their feedback. These guidelines are formed on the presumption that you are rejecting a first date or rejecting someone after a handful of dates...not rejection in a long-term relationship.

Before we get into the nitty gritty...ask yourself this question: Why am I rejecting this guy?

Is it because you have a crush on someone else? That's probably not a valid reason. Is it because you just don't think you're all that attracted to him? Consider giving him a chance. You might be surprised how quickly attraction can develop when you get to know him a little better. There are valid reasons for rejecting someone...but be sure to examine your motives when doing so.
Are you going to regret rejecting him in 6 months or a year? If so, don't reject him, you may not get him back.

Ok, let's talk about what NOT to do. Girls, we have a hard time with wanting to let a guy down easy...we don't want to be mean or rude or we tend to make some of the following mistakes. DON'T!
  • DON'T tell him that God is telling you not to date right now. God is probably not telling you not to date, and even if He is your date does not need to know this.
  • DON'T tell him that you prayed about it. Chances are you have not actually prayed about dating this guy, and even if you have your date does not need to know this.
  • DON'T tell him that if your feelings change you will let him know.
  • DON'T flirt with him.
  • DON'T ignore him when you run into him. It's rude, and will cause him to lose respect for you.
  • DON'T tell him you want to be friends. He is pursuing you, he is not just a friend and does not want to be "just friends" right now.
  • DON'T tell him that you hate rejecting guys. It sounds prideful, as though he is one of a long list of men pursuing you.
  • DON'T tell him "you are a nice or great guy, but...". Guys hate hearing this.
  • DON'T try to encourage him about his life/personality/ministry etc. Allow others to build him up, your job is to leave him alone.
  • DO be careful about telling him the things you like about him. He will wonder why you are rejecting him.

Now for the right way to reject a guy:
If the rejection is for a first date...
  • DO thank him for asking you out.
  • DO decline the offer.
  • That is all that is required
If the rejection is after a few dates...
  • DO thank him for taking the time to get to know you.
  • DO tell him that you have enjoyed getting to know him.
  • DO tell him that you do not want to be in a relationship with him right now.
  • DO answer any questions he asks you truthfully, but try to stick to all the previous guidelines.
  • That is all that is required.
I know this sounds incredibly blunt, straightforward and simple to reject someone this way...but guess what Ladies, MEN PREFER STRAIGHTFORWARD! They want a simple answer that is honest, respectful and uncomplicated. Let's do our part to make rejection as painless as possible for them.


Mimi said...

where's the like button? I appreciate this!

Anonymous said...

you could bold the part about "a guy isn't asking you out to be friends" and that would be ok.

Mimi said...

I read this today and thought it was fitting: an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. Proverbs 24:26

I guess it also depends on if it's the desired answer.

Laurie said...

Mimi, I think they might prefer an actual kiss on the lips rather than the rejection! ;)
But thanks for sharing a great scriptural reference for this idea...basically saying respect a man enough to give him an honest answer. I love having scripture to support that!

Becky Kiser said...

you are so right on here!

here's another don't (my hubs did this to one girl he broke up with)... out of no where he turned to her and just said: "when i look into the future, all i see is black." not a real gentle way to break up. honesty, but too honest. :)