Oh I Hope Not

Last night I went to dinner with a couple girls. We opted for a little Chinese place near my house. After the meal, they handed us the ubiquitous fortune cookies. I opened mine and couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry.

It said "You and your wife will be happy in your life together."

Crazy: It Runs in the Family

My family is crazy. I know what you're thinking...you think your family takes the cake. But no, let me tell you your family has nothing on mine. I share this story for illustrative purposes. Please don't hold it against me.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a family birthday gathering. A nice meal out was followed by cake at gramma and pawpaw's house. At one point, my aunt shared a tragic story about my uncle's coworker who committed suicide by hanging himself.

Of course, we were all saddened to hear this terrible story and there was much shaking of heads and frowning. After a short pause, someone in the bunch declares "Suicide by hanging...what a horrible way to go. If I were going to commit suicide I would shoot myself."

Relative #2: "Oh NO! I could NEVER shoot myself! I would just take an overdose of sleeping pills."

Relative #3: "But what if it didn't work and you just had to have your stomach pumped? I've always though I would just drive my car into a tree."

Relative #1: "You might end up a quadriplegic. Or a vegetable. I still think shooting myself in the head would be the fastest way."

Meanwhile, I'm actually contemplating suicide as a desperate attempt to escape from these crazy people.

Complimentary Service

Last week I was hurrying through a store, shopping for a gift for a friend, when a man walked past me, stopped, turned around and stared at me. Then he said "I'm sorry, I just have to tell you...you have the most beautiful hair."

Normally I would be quite flattered and pleased by such a compliment. Except he sorta had a mini-mullet...and no teeth.

Leftovers

This morning I was rushing out of the house, running a bit late for city council. I was juggling several items in my hands, including my laptop, purse, tupperware of homemade turkey chili, keys and jacket.

I got to my car, opened the door and leaned in to put my belongings inside...and guess which of those items fell out of my hand, popped open and splatted all over the garage floor and just inside the edge of the car? That's right. That would be the chili.

Fortunately, it splattered in a pattern flowing away from me and didn't land on my clothes or person. But I did have to clean up several spots on the seat, door and floorboard of my car.

I guess I now have an excuse to buy lunch today.

Email Excerpts

This email exchange made me chuckle.

Laurie,
So I was just looking at the tickets to confirm the start time for the show. It starts at 7:30. Can you make it to that or should we try for another show another time? I don't want to cause you to be stressed as a result of rushing to get there.

Have a great.

Guy

*****

Guy,
Thanks for checking with me! Any other time that would be a problem, but that night we'll be in fundraising mode which means I can slip out early.

And I hope you have a great too. ;)

~Laurie

*****

Fantastic.
I almost commented on your last line...you know, to correct you. But thankfully, I re-read my own email first. Doh!!!

Talk to you.

Guy

Words of Encouragement?

Last night I was chatting with a lady in the bookstore at church. She started telling me about how she and her husband met there back in the 70s. It was a sweet, cute story that I really enjoyed hearing. After she finished she looked at me, patted my arm and said "Oh, and just so you know...a friend of mine just got married for the first time at the age of 60!"

Lord, take me now.

Speaks for itself

True Story

*These events have not been embellished or altered in any way. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

My phone rings. Oh! It's "Nick"!
"Hey! What's up?"

Nick: "I'm in your house."
Me: "Um ok. I know you have a key. What are you doing?"
Nick: "I'm dropping off some stuff. Do I need to reset the alarm?"
Me: "No, it's fine. Don't worry about the alarm."
Nick: "So...(in a sultry voice)...do you want me to leave you a present while I'm here?"
Me: "Yes, yes I do."
Nick: "Oh. I guess I kinda backed myself into a corner on that one."
Me: "You suuure did. I'm looking forward to whatever you come up with."
Nick: "Well ok, I'm about to get creative. Talk to you later."

Twenty minutes later...phone rings again.

Me: "Hey there"
Nick: "Ok, I left you a surprise. But you're gonna have to go looking for it."
Me: "Um ok, will it be easy to identify?"
Nick: "Yes, you'll know it's from me. Oh and I should tell you, it's not exactly Baptist-approved."
Me: "I'm nervous."
Nick: "You'll like it. See you soon."

I sure hope he meant sci-fi...

I've been to several weddings recently, which is always an interesting experience for me because you end up having a whole bunch of random people thrown into one big party together whether they're compatible or not.

At one of the weddings I went to, I ended up at a table with an eclectic assortment of people. Among them was a woman who informed me she married at the age of 30. Her husband was 23 years older than her. They had their first child when he was 56.

Next to her, there was another lady who seemed like the kind of woman I will be in about 30 years. She was outgoing, sassy and irreverent, but clearly trying to behave herself. She was a hoot. It was taking quite a long time to get food and be served at the reception. At one point she announced to the table that Subway has better service than this place.

And then there was the old uncle across the table. There he sat in his suspenders...waxing eloquent about his life and various illnesses. At one point he invited us to visit his store. "What kind of store do you have?" the lady next to me asked. "It's a fantasy store," the old uncle said.

Our smiles froze in place. All I could think was "don't make eye contact!" He then rambled on about selling candy and sweets which left me even more puzzled.

We finally concluded he must have said something else and we all mistakenly heard 'fantasy.'
But really I prefer thinking he runs a fantasy store. In his suspenders.

Just Another Day

As a reporter, I often get calls to respond to breaking news situations. I've covered natural disaster scenes, hostage situations, plane crashes and various other tragedies. But it's not often I get a call from a friend saying "oh my gosh get over to my house quick! The whole place is surrounded by cops...the SWAT team just arrived!"

Yeah. That happened today. Five canisters of tear gas later and the situation is under control.