Dear Socially Awkward Man,
I hope this letter finds you well. I'd like to take a moment to share with you a few tips on how you could make life for yourself and everyone around you just a little bit easier and more pleasant. Consider these suggestions and see if you could incorporate them into your daily lifestyle.
1) Don't high-five people when you see them. It isn't as cool as you think it is. High-fives are only acceptable at sporting events, Wii tournaments and when you're hanging with your dudes and talking about scoring chicks. If you simply MUST high-five someone, don't soft-hand or limp-wrist them. Be firm and follow through. Only high-five if you can do it like a man.
2) Don't follow the high-five with a hug, unless you are REALLY good friends with the person. High-fives and hugs do not usually mix. The only exception is if you're celebrating a major softball victory.
3) If you're not sure who someone is, don't guess. It makes people feel uncomfortable when you talk to them about their teaching job or their acting gig only to discover that they're actually a reporter. It is perfectly acceptable to admit that you don't remember someones name or profession after the first or second time of meeting them. It's ok to ask, but be prepared to be gracious about the answers. See 4) for more details.
4) Don't criticize someones workplace after they tell you where they work. This is considered rude and will not help you get dates. Also, don't attack a particular department (i.e. the newsroom) before you know which department the person works in. Most people find it unattractive and offensive when strangers try to make conversation by denigrating their profession.
5) NEVER ask a girl what her name is and then whip out your cell phone and start typing. This will give her the impression that you are about to ask her for her phone number. Based on your violation of rules 1-4, she will not want to give you her phone number and this could create an awkward situation. She will send unspoken pleas for help to her male friends and they will beat you up. It's better for everyone involved if you just leave your cell phone at home.
I hope you find these tips practical and helpful in your journey to become less socially awkward. Remember, you can start small. Try one or two of these things and practice them until they become a comfortable part of your routine. Once you have a few of these suggestions incorporated into your repertoire, you're probably ready to add a few more. Before you know it, you'll be having normal conversations and interactions with other adults!