"...in bed"

You know that whole fortune cookie thing people do where they tag on the words "in bed" to the end of the fortune? Beware, this can backfire.

Yesterday several of my coworkers went to lunch to discuss a project that's underway. They were at a Chinese restaurant and one of my colleagues reminded the others of the "in bed" gag. Just then, the elderly professorial gentleman at the table with them read his fortune out loud.

"You can't always please others, so just please yourself."

Christmas "Surprises"

My mom called me last night as I was driving home and asked if I was warm.
"Well Mom, it's pretty cold outside and I'm wearing a coat, but my feet are a bit chilly right now," I said.
"Have you ever thought that a snuggie would make a great Christmas present?" she asked.
"No. No, I have not ever thought that. I'm pretty sure a snuggie would NOT make a great Christmas present," I answered.
"Are you sure you wouldn't love to get a leopard-print snuggie for Christmas?" she asked again.
"I'm positive that is not what I want for Christmas," I declared emphatically.
"Well, you better get excited about it...because that's what gramma is giving you..." she snickered.
Yes, my mom snickered at me.
And yes, I'm getting a leopard-print snuggie for Christmas. Whether I like it or not.