You get a food processor for your birthday. And that's actually what you asked for.
I celebrated my birthday with my family this weekend. Within the first ten minutes I was on the verge of tears. I quietly texted a friend, hoping for some affirmation or encouragement. The response I got back was "remember they wiped your ass when you were a baby."
Okay, that's not exactly the response I was looking for...but it did the trick. I laughed, moved on and enjoyed the rest of the day.