Surprise Endings

Not long ago, I was visiting a friend at his house where he was hosting a handful of people for a small party. After the party, as people were clearing up and heading out, he asked me if I'd like a quick tour of his home. Of course, I told him.

He showed me around in the few downstairs areas I hadn't seen before proceeding upstairs. Upstairs, he ushered me into the study (messy), the master bedroom (large) and moved on to the guest bedroom.

He opened the door, we both screamed and he slammed the door shut again.

Any guesses what was behind Door #3?

Yes, dear readers, it was one of my good guy friends, changing clothes before he went to another event.

They called it the special "LJ Tour."

Words of Encouragement?

Last night I was chatting with a lady in the bookstore at church. She started telling me about how she and her husband met there back in the 70s. It was a sweet, cute story that I really enjoyed hearing. After she finished she looked at me, patted my arm and said "Oh, and just so you know...a friend of mine just got married for the first time at the age of 60!"

Lord, take me now.

The Evil Within

Sometimes I really like to mess with people. I mean I get all giddy just thinking about little jokes and pranks.

Last night I was at a party and felt the jokes just bubbling up out of me. My good friend, we'll call him Tim Possibly, was at the party. He was chatting with some mutual friends, so I walked right past him, looked at one of the girls he was talking with and said "Have you ever thought about how the name Laurie Possibly sounds?"

The group went silent, then all the girls started cracking up laughing while Tim Possibly stood there sputtering...um..uh..uh uh ummm...wha?

Oh sometimes I am just so BAD!

Oink!

This week I've had to do a lot of coverage on the ubiquitous swine flu. I interviewed a doctor about trends and patterns in the spread of the virus.

This doctor is a chinese national and has a rather strong accent. I asked him why swine flu was such a concern. His response? "Well, the fru is the fru. All fru is bad."

Believe me, all my powers of self-control were in full use as I struggled not to laugh every time he called it the "fru."

Unsolved Mysteries

A few days ago I was going through my laundry and found a pair of women's underwear that didn't belong to me. I assumed somehow my roomie's laundry got mixed up with mine, so I gave them to her. She looked at them and said "these aren't mine."

Yeah so...we dunno.

If a tree falls in the forest...

A couple days ago, I was finishing up my air shift at work and preparing to leave the office. I walked out of the studio and headed into the newsroom and somehow...I really don't know how...I completely face-planted.

Yep. Totally wiped out, ate carpet, on my face on the ground. I was completely alone in the room and was able to jump up, dust myself off and laugh at the absurdity of the experience.

And I can now tell you that yes, if a Laurie falls in the newsroom and there is no one there to see it, it's still embarrassing.

Old Timer's Disease

I recently had a severe ear infection that left me temporarily partially deaf in my right ear. I was at home one evening, talking to a friend on the phone. Naturally I held the phone against my left ear so I could hear her side of the conversation. While talking on the phone, I had the water in the kitchen sink running so I could wash some dishes. Nearby, the dryer was also humming along.

I finished up the dishes, turned out the kitchen light and walked into the living room only to notice out of the corner of my eye that there was another person in the house with me! I literally leaped off the ground as I let out a yelp and did a sort of pirouette in the air. As I landed, I started hysterically laughing...the kind of laughing that comes from nerves...as I realized it was my friend Erin who had let herself in with her spare key.

She stood there with a shocked expression and said in a tiny voice "I rang the doorbell. No one answered."

Yeah. I was so deaf I couldn't even hear the doorbell.

Bad Luck and other failures

Last night a friend of mine forwarded a text message to me. She was amused because a high school girl that she knows sent her the following text:

"1boy tomorrow will say hey can i have your number? Or they will ask you out. txt to 10 girls or hav bad luck 2morr0"

Now it's just rather ironic and depressing when high schools girls are worried about your dating status and forwarding chain text messages. But we both got a good laugh out of it...while secretly hoping it didn't really mean bad luck if we don't forward the message on to ten other girls.

I can't help but be worried, though. I just missed my first and only phone call from the Moscow Correspondent. I hope this isn't a sign of more missed connections.

Right and Wrong

There is a right way to talk to a girl and a wrong way. I experienced both on Saturday.

Exhibit A: The Right Way

"Laurie, I don't understand why you're not dating anyone. You're so BEAUTIFUL."

Exhibit B: The Wrong Way

"Are you sweating like a pig?"

Call Me...Karina

I was chatting with a coworker today who informed me that her brother-in-law is in love with my voice. She wants to set me up with him. The problem is that based off my voice he thinks I am tall, dark and exotic.

Oh the irony.

Blogging Laurie-Style

Last night I felt like I was playing out some sort of chick-flick single girl stereotype. I found myself cooking stir-fry at 10pm while waiting for a guy to come over.

He turned up around 10:30. During the short time he was over I had to push him away several times, tell him not to get physical and remind him that no means no. Of course, this only made him try harder.

Oh, and as he was leaving he looked at me and said "when you blog about me tomorrow...be sure and make it sound like this was a booty call."

Done.

Straightforward

I recently started hanging out with a high school girl named Luzy and brought her to church with me last night. I was reminded how few filters teenagers have on their thoughts and comments. We were in the hall at church, grabbing a cup of coffee before the service and Luzy turned to me and said "when do you want to get married?"

I was a bit startled (I've only known this girl for a week) but good-humoredly replied "now." An older woman standing nearby heard this exchange and smiled at me.

Luzy immediately followed up with "how many kids do you want to have?"
I paused and moment and then decided honesty was the best policy so I said "three or four."

The older woman gave me a sharp look and said "oh honey, you ARE ready to get married."

Status Report

In our newsroom we have an assignment board that lists what stories or projects each reporter is working on. For example it might say "Bill: Dog Fighting Ring. Pat: Indigent Defense Fund" etc...

We also sometimes are assigned to come up with stories to air in the upcoming week -- a sort of evergreen or undated piece that can run at any time.

We recently upgraded our assignment board to an electronic display. One of my co-workers from the music department ambled in this week and noticed the new display. He studied the assignments and then said (in his very British accent) "I'm so glad the assignment board gives us all an update on Laurie's relationship status."

I looked up to see what he was talking about and realized he was right. There on the assignment board it said "Laurie: Undated."

Hello, Clarice

This morning as I was getting ready for work, someone knocked on the front door. I opened the door to find an attractive young man wearing a tool belt standing on my doorstep. I quickly dismissed the thought that perhaps someone had sent me an early Valentine's Day present and asked him what he needed.

He proceeded to explain that he was replacing some siding on our townhouses and needed to make two quick cuts in the siding. The problem was he didn't have access to an electrical outlet and was wondering if he could use one of my outlets to connect his extension cord. I immediately had a vision of Silence of the Lambs. In the span of five seconds I imagined this man handing me an extension cord and then while my back was turned, shoving his way into my house, kidnapping me and stowing me away in his basement where I'd become his reversed version of a veal.

I plugged the extension cord into the wall and then nervously hovered near the front door as he cut up his siding. He chatted with me the whole time, telling me about how his boss left to run an errand and that's when he realized he didn't have a power supply. Then he asked me if I had caught the awful cold that's been going around and made sure I had been taking antibiotics and mucinex. Within five minutes he was done and I handed the cord back to him.
Clearly I lived to blog about it.

It was an innocent encounter. But it bothered me. I can't decide if the influences of our culture --fearfulness, suspicion, distrust -- affected me, or if it was the influence of the Holy Spirit prompting me to be cautious with this man and protect myself. Either way, I'm glad I'm not stuck in a basement rubbing lotion on myself.

Honesty

How exactly am I supposed to respond when men make inappropriate or suggestive remarks to me?

Exhibit A:

Guy: "What kind of chapstick is that?"
Me: "It's called Kiss My Face."
Guy: "You'd better be careful about saying that, I might take you seriously."

Um...I just met you. That's creepy.

Exhibit B:

Guy: "I bet girls get angry when guys stare at their boobs."
Me: "Ummm....sometimes. Depends on how obvious you're being."
Guy: "The whole time I'm talking to you I have to tell myself not to stare. But really I'd rather stare at your legs than your boobs anyway."

Um...I thought we were just friends. I don't know what to do with that.

Ok perhaps that's a bit much to put out there on the blog. But those are two actual conversations I had this week. And I am still puzzling over what the right response is in those situations. I'm just sayin'....

Cuban Coincidence

Last night I was shopping at Target and noticed this guy that looked REALLY familiar. I tried to place where I might know him from and finally concluded it must just be my imagination. I continued my shopping and didn't think about it again.

A little while later, I was in a different part of the store and the guy walked by again. He turned and looked at me, walked over and handed me a postcard. He said "I'm an artist and I'm having a show. I'd like to invite you to come to the reception."

I looked at the post card and saw that it was an invitation to his exhibit titled "Cuban Chronicles."

"Are you Cuban?" I asked.

"Yes, I'm actually from there," he replied.

So I said, "Oh! I've been to Cuba! It's a beautiful country. I love it."

We started talking about Cuba and he asked me how I had been able to visit his country and that's when it dawned on me. "I know you! We met in Cuba! Near Santa Clara!"

He looked surprised and then recognition dawned on his face. "Yes!" he said, "We talked about the war!"

It's true...we had a really long, intense conversation about the Cuban perspective on the war versus the US perspective.

Unbelievable. I just reconnected with a guy in Target on San Felipe, who I first met in Cuba nearly three years ago. But you know me...there always has to be something funny in every story.

It just so happened that I had been shopping for undergarments and was holding two bras the entire time we were talking. Seriously.

Gender Confusion

I placed my order at the counter.
"One grande non-fat, no whip, peppermint mocha twist please."

"What's your name?" the barista asked.

"Laurie," I replied.

A few minutes later I hear this:

"I have a non-fat peppermint mocha twist for...Larry."

Sigh.

Misguided

I needed to find the website for a specific organization.
I typed "nameoforganization.org" into my browser.
I was told by the website to "F**k off and die."

A Sad Tale

My roommate recently took a vacation to Puerto Rico. She brought back a gift of coffee for me. A couple days ago, I decided to try the new coffee. I was a little disappointed. It had an odd flavor that I couldn't quite identify.

I tried it again the next day, thinking perhaps my taste buds were just "off." Nope. Still tasted weird. So yesterday I switched back to my old standby. I made a pot of coffee at 4am, poured it into my thermos, added cream and splenda and headed out the door on my merry way. I was a few blocks down the road when I took my first sip. What the?! That weird funky taste had invaded my old coffee beans too! That's when the truth dawned on me.

The cream had turned.

The Adventures of Laurie & Laurie

If I ever try to say my life is boring, just smack me.

It was Saturday afternoon and my roomie and I were quietly spending the day at home. I walked up to my room to retrieve something and smelled a very slight odor of smoke. Not wood smoke, more like plastic or an electrical fire. I checked around the room and inspected the light fixtures, but didn't notice anything unusual.

Then I heard what sounded like a loud diesel engine outside. I peeked out the window.

"Um, LL, there are two large fire trucks parked outside our house," I called out.

"Ok," she said.

I walked downstairs and looked out the front door. Firemen were suiting up and unrolling hoses. Then I noticed smoke billowing out of the upstairs window in the townhouse next to us.

"Hey LL, I think the house next door is on fire," I said. "Maybe we should have some shoes on and be ready just in case we need to evacuate our house."

I turned back inside to get flip flops and grab my purse. When I turned back around there were about five firemen walking through our front door. They were fully suited with masks, oxygen tanks, hatchets, the whole works.

"You need to leave the house immediately," they said. "The house next door is on fire. Please leave now."

LL and I walked out the front door while the firefighters stayed in our home and went upstairs.

We stood across the street for about ten minutes, watching the process. Smoke curling out the windows, then a fireman smashing out the glass and the spray from the hose glistening in the hot air.

It didn't look like the fire had spread past that one room, but those five firemen were still in our house which was making us a bit nervous.

"LL, if the fire spreads to our house it will hit my closet first," I said. "All my clothes will be ruined. And my shoes!"

We can see where my priorities lie.

Finally the firemen exited our home and a few minutes later it appeared the fire was out in the house next door. The men started taking off their equipment and removing burnt furniture from the house. Out came the mattress...all that was left was the metal springs. Then from the upstairs window came sailing a burnt-out TV, lamps, drapes, various odds and ends melted into unusual shapes.

Finally, one of the firemen came up to us.

"You can go back inside your house now," he said. "We did a little bit of damage inside. I'll show you what happened."

Um, ok. We looked at each other nervously.

He led us inside. "We had to tear a couple of holes in your ceiling. We needed to see if the fire had spread from the unit next door."

Sure enough, we have matching holes in our bedrooms. The firemen drove their hatchets up through the ceiling, one in my room and one in hers. There was a thick covering of sheet rock and insulation on the carpet.

"Sorry about that," he said. "We had to make sure the fire was contained. Call your insurance company and they'll arrange to take care of it."

Sigh. Well, we needed to vacuum and dust anyway.

And our hero, James, came over and taped plastic over the holes. So while it's not patched, we don't have to worry about insects and squirrels paying us any visits.