To Dad

All in all it wasn't bad
All in all it wasn't good, but I still care

That's the problem with the days
They're never long enough to say
What it is you never said
All the books you never read

I throw myself into the wind
Hoping somebody might pick me up and carry me again

Where are you now? Do you let me down?
Do you make me grieve for you?
Do I make you proud?
Do you get me now?
Am I your pride and joy?

I believe this to be true
There's nothing sacred, nothing new
No one tells you when it's time
There are no warnings, only signs

And you know that you're alone
You're not a child anymore, but you're still scared

All your mountains turn to rocks
All your oceans turn to drops
They are nothing like you thought
You can't be something you are not

Life is not a looking glass
Don't get tangled in your past, like I am learning not to

Where are you now? Do you let me down?
Do you make me grieve for you?
Do I make you proud?
Do you get me now?
Am I your pride and joy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1g7PrM8GOhQ

TMI

My coworkers were just having a conversation about our aging relatives. My grampa recently was ill, but is now recovering. One of my coworkers shared that his grandmother's health has greatly improved, but her mind has slipped. Now she has a habit of sharing a little too openly about her past.

One day the family was together and gramma (who was 83 at the time) started talking about some of her boyfriends from when she was young. She concluded her story with a big sigh and said "I miss having sexual relations."

GRAMMA!

What's in a name?

I've been thinking about changing my on-air name. It would be nice to have a little more anonymity when in public and not have to worry about protecting my identity. I was thinking of something hyphenated...that way my radio listeners will just think it's my married name and it won't be too confusing for people.

What do y'all think of Laurie Anderson-Mabie Warner...? Too wordy?

Do I KNOW you??!

I've been pretty stressed lately and decided I needed a day of self-nurturing on Monday. I spent the day doing things that make me happy and spending time with people who encourage me. I decided the perfect wrap-up to the day would be a massage.

I made an appointment at a location I hadn't been to before and looked forward to a relaxing and soothing experience.

I got there, checked in, met the massage therapist and settled in. She asked me a few questions about where I was tense and what my trouble spots were. She then asked me if I ever grind my teeth. "No, I don't think so," I said. "Do you clench your jaw?" she asked. "Oh, yes. Yes, sometimes I do clench my jaw when I'm concentrating," I replied. "Ok, I'm going to give you a small facial massage and work on your jaw if that's ok." "Yes, that's fine."

There I am, on the table, breathing in the aromatherapy lavender scents, eyes closed, waiting for her to work her magic. "Open your mouth and relax your jaw," she says. I obey.

And she promptly shoves her finger in my mouth and pushes hard into the joint where my lower and upper jaws connect! "How does that feel?" she murmurs. Ummm....awkward and uncomfortable, I'm thinking. Out loud "uhhh...iss ok I guessh...ish difficult to shay how thish feels," I slur, talking around the probing digit.

I don't think I'll try that again.

Warning

This post may not be suitable for all audiences. Namely, guys. Well, actually I'm pretty sure you guys can handle it...but I wanted to put the disclaimer out there just to cover my...ahem...bases.

Chalk this up under the heading of Things You Do NOT Want to Hear When Meeting Your New Gynecologist: "Ok, regarding sexual activity...let me just look over your paperwork here...oh wait...are you THE Laurie Johnson?! I listen to you every day!"

Let's just say there are some places where I prefer NOT to be recognized.

This makes me happy

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass from OK Go on Vimeo.

Available in Blood or Crip

The QQ Welcomes Guest Bloggers

A guest blogger contributed today's entry. He asked to remain anonymous, although I informed him that if he allowed me to post his name I'm pretty sure he'd never get shot down again.

I have to be honest and say it's extremely humbling to post his entry because I know how far I fall short of his list. Nevertheless, I give you the following from an amazing guest blogger.


10 Things that are Great about Single Christian Women

1. They care about modesty.
2. They want the men in their lives to be leaders and they genuinely want to follow them.
3. They say no to a lot of dates. Nobody knows why, they just do, get over it.
4. They are really sweet when they shoot you down.
5. They are servants.
6. They are patient in waiting for a husband.
7. They take care of the children, elderly, and men in the church.
8. They love to cook for the men in their lives.
9. They hold the men in their lives accountable.
10. They don't settle.

Who and Who? Wow.

Don't worry if it's not good enough for anyone else to hear

"...in bed"

You know that whole fortune cookie thing people do where they tag on the words "in bed" to the end of the fortune? Beware, this can backfire.

Yesterday several of my coworkers went to lunch to discuss a project that's underway. They were at a Chinese restaurant and one of my colleagues reminded the others of the "in bed" gag. Just then, the elderly professorial gentleman at the table with them read his fortune out loud.

"You can't always please others, so just please yourself."

Christmas "Surprises"

My mom called me last night as I was driving home and asked if I was warm.
"Well Mom, it's pretty cold outside and I'm wearing a coat, but my feet are a bit chilly right now," I said.
"Have you ever thought that a snuggie would make a great Christmas present?" she asked.
"No. No, I have not ever thought that. I'm pretty sure a snuggie would NOT make a great Christmas present," I answered.
"Are you sure you wouldn't love to get a leopard-print snuggie for Christmas?" she asked again.
"I'm positive that is not what I want for Christmas," I declared emphatically.
"Well, you better get excited about it...because that's what gramma is giving you..." she snickered.
Yes, my mom snickered at me.
And yes, I'm getting a leopard-print snuggie for Christmas. Whether I like it or not.

I drank one of my tears today.
It dropped into my coffee cup this morning while I was grieving over decisions made and losses suffered.
I gulped it down anyway.
If life were a book, that would be poetic.
But, in reality, I think it's just pathetic.

Facebook Updates I'm tempted to Post But Won't for the Sake of Decency and Harmony

"Laurie thinks you're not nearly as funny as you think you are."

"Laurie wants to xoxo."

"Laurie finds your fashion decisions highly questionable."

"Laurie had Sex in a Pan. Twice."

Ooops! It happened AGAIN!

Ok I'm starting to think there's some sort of conspiracy going on.

Yesterday my phone rang at the office. I answered the call and it was a work colleague who wanted to talk about a story idea for the news. After chatting about the story, he casually said "so this is off the clock and off the record, but I really enjoyed seeing you at that event last week." "Oh. Yeah. It was nice running into you," I said. "Yes. I was standing behind you the whole time and I started getting a little bored during the event until I realized what a nice view I had looking at you from back there," he replied.

Ummmm. Wow.

Giddy

I'm in a new relationship and it's giving me that giddy feeling where I smile all the time, even though it's definitely still in the starting stages of getting to know each other. When we're apart, I can't wait to be together. When we're together, I feel a little awkward but so happy and excited. I know the awkwardness will wear off eventually and even the giddiness too. But I hope it will settle into something fun and long-term that retains a little bit of mystery.

I'm not ready to call it love, but I really REALLY like my Droid.

RETREAT!

I went on a church retreat with friends this weekend. We spent the weekend in the country, mostly just relaxing and playing games and enjoying a time of intentional restfulness.
While on the retreat, I met a new guy who I hadn't seen before. We were chatting and going through the usual get-to-know-ya questions.

We were out on the porch and I turned to look out at the pasture and take in the beauty of the outdoors. He was sitting in a chair behind me and I realized I was standing right in front of him, blocking his view of the scene. I quickly stepped to the side and apologized to him for blocking him.

He gave me a huge grin and said he didn't mind me standing in front of him as he had been enjoying the view from behind and that I was welcome to stand in front of him any time.

Now I ask you, how does a girl even respond to that?

I saw the movie 300

FAIL

Be My Guest

Let me just preface this blog entry by saying men are gross. That should clue you in to the nature of this story, continue reading at your own peril.

I recently hosted a small birthday party for a friend. As a group, we went to dinner, to be followed by dessert at my house. Circumstantially, I was the only girl in the group who stuck around for dessert (and I sorta HAD to be there since it was at my house and all).

So there I am, with seven guys circling the dessert like vultures. Or perhaps more like sharks scenting blood in the water. After the brownies were cut, I retreated to the other side of the table in fear that I might lose a limb in the feeding frenzy.

Once they were sufficiently sated with brownies and ice cream, they decided to lounge about and watch TV. Now this does not bother me one bit, except for the fact that one of the guys (who I have only met once or twice) made himself EXTREMELY comfortable on my couch. Sorry for the graphic description here, but the way he rolled around on my sofa made me think of a walrus attempting to mate with a sea serpent. He pretty much ravaged the couch.

Did I mention he had a cold? Because he did. And he kept loudly blowing his nose into a napkin. Again, I don't have a problem with that. Except for the fact that after he left, I found his snotty used napkin open and exposed ON THE COFFEE TABLE!!! EWWWWWWW! I almost gagged. I picked up two paper plates and scooped the napkin up to throw it away. Then I proceeded to wipe down the coffee table with 409 and spray Lysol all over the couch.

And don't even get me started on the other guy at the party who kept farting loudly while we played games. He blamed it on the ice cream.

And they wonder why they're single...

I'M ALIVE!

Hello Blog-World!

So much has changed in the past few weeks since I saw you last. I've accepted a job in Chicago, a city that I absolutely LOVE, and will be moving after the New Year. I'm super excited about this!

Or you know, I'm just making that whole job thing up and trying to make it seem like I had a flashy excuse for my blogging absence. The truth is I have been so busy lately that I haven't even had time to generate funny stories, let alone blog about them.

But I'm back in the saddle and promise new hilarity soon. And in case you're still confused, that whole thing about Chicago was a joke. Houston is home. For now.